My FWH and I are a couple of weeks into recovery. He is going out of town to our niece’s birthday party (a family function) this weekend. I am not welcome at my SIL’s house.

The reason why SIL does not want me there is a little complicated. I was friends with my SIL before I met my H. I met him through her. When all of the mess of the A surfaced and I called her to expose she asked me to not talk to her about my M because she cares about us both and doesn’t want to be in the middle. Fine. I understood. But as months went on and I discovered more and more details about my H’s behavior I called her again. I was really upset. I told her that I didn’t know if I could stay in this marriage. And she said, ‘okay’…basically cut me off.

This really hurt me. This girl was my friend. I was there for her when she was going through a divorce and through a pregnancy out of wedlock and then a marriage to a man with two teenage sons. I held my niece the day she was born….weeks before my H even saw her. The moment I met my future MIL she thanked me for being so good to her daughter. And now my ‘friend’ couldn’t be there for me.

I realized the complexity of the situation and sent my SIL an email. I explained to her that I love her and her family very much and that I understand that she can’t be there for me like I expect a friend to be. Essentially, I stepped out of our friendship to alleviate any stress on the sibling relationship between her and my H.

I’ve not had any communication with her since then. That was the first week of June…3 ½ months ago. I know that my H speaks with her regularly so she has to know what’s going on with our recovery. He even asked her about my coming this weekend and she told him no…that she would be tense and uncomfortable and that this b-day is very important to her…the timing wasn’t good. What is it with this family and conflict avoidance? I was trying to make things easier on her so she wouldn’t feel this way.

I told my H that I didn’t think that it would be a good idea to go without me… that we really need this time together. He worked all last weekend and things have been rocky this week. I asked him to put us first. I suggested that we could go there the following weekend after the confusion of the party to see his niece.

I think he needs to take a stand regarding our marriage. There are going to be future family functions and if and when we recover this will come up again. I also hinted at the fact that the situation between my SIL and I are an effect of his actions.

He was really upset last night. He said he knows that the conflict between her and me are because of him. But he has decided that he is going to go without me anyways. I got really upset, crying. I said that there will be many other birthdays…but our window of opportunity to save our marriage is so small.

I know I should have remained calm and just allowed him to go without all of this fuss. But what do I do now? He knows how I feel but he’s going to do what he wants to do. I’m so ready to just walk away. He was starting to show me that we had potential. Am I being selfish because I want him to choose us?

I know this is long…thanks for reading. Any help here would be greatly appreciated.

sorry newlywed55
but it is my opinion that your
sisterinlaw
and
your husband are correct in this situation..

inspite of the friendship she is her brothers sister first..and you are actually blessed to have such a wize sil who clearly cut the boundary in you discussing your husband with her ...

no good would ever have from that...

and I a way you punished her for that wisdom....

the good news is that she was not totally against you and her reconciling...she has just requested it not be at THIS event with all these people and festivities...

it is a valid request and not hostile at all...

I also hinted at the fact that the situation between my SIL and I are an effect of his actions.

that is not a true statement...you placed your SIL in a no win situation and she did what she had to do..
you did that...

tell your husband you are sorry about what you said and you thought about it and he should go and have a good time..

have him deliver your SIL a letter in which you apologize souly for ALL of it...and tell her you miss her...and would love to get together with her in the very near future....

in the blip of life, marriage and recovery this IS not a big deal....in my opinion..

you sil took actions that were loving and protective of both you and him..
and SHE and your HUSBAND should not be punished...

ARK

You have framed the question as a battle between his family (specifically, the SIL) and you. It really isn't. He "is" both your husband and their son/brother/uncle.

Whether we like it or not, life goes on even during recovery. E.g., a FWS (like me) still has to take business trips, even though he may have used business trips in the past as a cover for an A.

The question is really what do you "need" from your H?
What specifically do you want out of the weekend? What specifically should you and he do? What can he do to give you what you need this weekend or any weekend?

You should explain to him what you feel and what you want and need, and then work out a solution. There are many, many possible compromises rather than "all or nothing" to this.

E.g., is it possible for him to go just for a few hours rather than all night? Is it possible for him to call you? Can he take an extra day off and spend it with you? Can you get a commitment on what to do NEXT weekend?

Also, you should really talk this through over "why" you weren't invited rather than "why" he is going. Is it because SIL is worried or is it because FWS is worried?

I agree with this completely and I thought I was being supportive of this when I stepped back. I know he doesn’t open up to many people and that he needs her.



I didn’t think I was.



I agree but it hurts…like she thinks I’ll make a scene or something?



Thank you for the suggestion. I do want him to go but I’ve created such a big mess I didn’t know how to fix.

I need for him to make me and our marriage a priority. He works most weekends and is very tired every evening after work so I don't see very much of him. We don't get very much quality time together.

I have tried to communicate my needs to him but rather than doing anything about it he complains that all I want to do is talk about things.

I'm not welcome because of SIL. H does not have a problem with me going. In fact we were there a few months ago several weeks after D-day and SIL knew what was going on. There were no outbursts or scenes. This is all because of the email I sent her in an attempt to avoid things like this.

What specifically do you want? "Making the M a priority" is vague.

Also, he and you can have radically different ideas of what "make the M a priority" means. Does that mean he should not go to work in order to spend time with you? Does it mean that he should spend all of time other than working with you?

This is simply a negotiation. It isn't wrong for him to want to go visit his family. It isn't wrong for you to want him to stay with you. So, this is really about getting a "deal" worked out that is acceptable to both of you. There is no "right" answer.

As to SIL, you have to let it go. You've got enough problems with your H.

I disagree - I think SIL should welcome you to the B-Day party. If she stands behind her brother she whould welcome his W. This is sseperating a M couple. They are in R and should be doing things together. 15hrs a week. I thought when M a man an woman forsakes all others. If my H were not welcome in my sisters home I would not go.

SIL has the right to request at this party that no reconcilliation take place in my opinion....

SIL was placed in a very very very bad position by newlywed when she attempted to vent to SIL

she had to make this request twice....because even after being asked newlywed approached her and tried again to put her in a no win situation...

SIL has not been non receptive to reconcilliation she is just requesting it NOT take place at her OWN daughters birthday...

and it is evident from newlyweds post that they could possibly go the next weekend and so it seems there is a lot of hope for reuniting these folks..

whats more dangerous is newlyweds desperation...

her stating ..things like

I said that there will be many other birthdays…but our window of opportunity to save our marriage is so small.

there is no way the recovery is quick and instant...this weekend does not make or break recovery and if she is willing to make this the hill the marriage dies on...then she may as well give it up now....

this way to much pressure for recovery to be productive...
and both parties will get frustrated and start to withdrawal...

she also said...
I’m so ready to just walk away. He was starting to show me that we had potential

well there's some drama..

imagine sending husband away feeling really good and really proud of his wife..

imagine him going to sister and telling her how sorry they both are...him especially..

imagine him handing a small gift and letter to sister written by newlywed...with her apology....

imagine a great dinner on the stove
and some new sexy lingerie for later that night...

big big big picture....here...
step back...

I think husband should go as the marital diplomat and THEN if newlywed is still not welcome after this.. then it is a different story...

just my opinion mam...Lord knows I'm full of em..

ARK