I have been married for 18 years and we have two kids. Over the last thirteen years our marriage has been a mixed bag, some good times, sometimes almost brutal. We both engaged in destructive behaviors over this time period and niether was truly happy, we managed I guess for the kids sake. As the kids got into highschool, I realized that we had to get to the bottom of our issues or there would be no relationship when the kids were gone. I was unhappy and could not go on with the status quo.

I knew that my wife felt guilty about something and whatever the source of that guilt was not only impacting her actions towards me as a defense mechanism but also causing me to rationalizing actions that were not healthy for our marriage. I knew that my wife was dishonest with me about numerous things and did not seem to be able to change. I value honesty above all.

We tried to talk about different things many times over the years but it always became confrontational and if anything took us backward instead of forward. Finally, I wrote her a letter and told her how that I felt and that if we could not get to the bottom of the issues that sparked the fires with us, that I could no longer continue in this relationship. I also told her that if she was honest with me, I had forgiven her regardless of how bad things might be because I was sure that I had imagined far worse than it really was and in my own way I had punished her for many years.

Thinking back through our relationship, there was a day certain where things changed forever for the worst. Our financial situation was detoriating but she wanted to take a trip to see an event that was very important to her. I told her that we could not afford to go and we had two young kids (2 and 3) that could not be left with someone for a week. After much thought, I decided to let her go with one of her girlfriends while I stayed home with the kids. I did this because I loved her and I believed that she needed this. What a mistake on my part. That was twelve years ago.

After my letter, my FWS did reveal two things that I was not aware of until then. First that she had became addicted to a prescription diet pill (started shortly after some post partum depression after kid #2) and that while out of state on that trip she had met someone at a celebration party, they drank, talked, and ultimately had a PA. When she came home the next day, all I wanted to do was spend time with her. She avoided me and focused on what wasn't done in the house, etc. I should have known then except that she was the last person that I could ever imagine even entertaining the thought of an A no matter how unhappy she was. Although as far as I know, there was only 1 time that they where physically together, the EA lasted for more than one year.

Since, D-Day she has been very honest with me and we have started to rebuild our relationship with honesty, respect and renewed love. I believe that in the long run our marraige will be stronger than ever. She wants to move forward and so do I but there is still some information that I feel like I need in order to get past this. I don't want the gory details but I feel like I am entitled to know who the OP was, how they met, how long the EA lasted and how it ended. According to her, the last time that he called her she told him that she had to devote her attention to her marriage and family. I want to believe this but there were so many times of lies and deceptions over the years that the mistrust creeps back into my mind espcecially when she won't reveal the OP. She says this is because it doesn't matter at this point and that involving others would only cause additional pain and make me dwell on the issue.

I don't know why that he should not be exposed as well. Although I have forgiven her for her mistake and look forward to spending the rest of my life with her, I feel like that complete honesty and openess is necessary for both of us. Although I have a lot of hate for the OP and harbor some resentment towards her (I trust that Dr. H's article is right and that this will pass with time) and even though this happened and ended long ago, the wound for me is fresh. I don't feel like that I can share how deeply I am hurt with her for fear of setting our process backwards but need a forum such as this to express those feelings.

Am I wrong to want to know who the OP is and how it ended?

BS 40
FWS 38
D-Day 8/25/05
PA 1993
EA 1993-1994??
NC 1995??

hMM.

NC since 1995. And yet she won't admit who it is... she is protecting someone. Who is an old friend of yours that you've stopped contact with?

You get to choose if you get to know who it is, not her. If she won't tell you, you get the choice of what to do next, not her. If she says no, you can take that as her committment to you, to the marriage, and to your concept of honesty. At that point, you have very few options...plan b...to plan d.

Secrets create barriers to true intimacy. They create a negative feedback effect in a relationship.

Your wife’s secrets have built huge barriers between the two of you. Witness the state your M for the past 13 years.

Actually she has created barriers even within herself. She cannot be a fully integrated person with all the compartmentalization required to live with her secrets.

How much hard work, and yes even pain, are you willing to accept to help bring these barriers down?

In some ways, she will have to accept even more hard work and pain than you to bring these barriers down. So be gentile.

All that being said, I personally need detail - especially who, what, when and where. I mean, what if you run into the dude, man?

And don’t forget why. She needs to know why so you can feel safer.

BTW, a sincere willingness to answer any and all questions truthfully goes a long way towards not even having to ask some of the questions.

With prayers,

Aphleion:

I showed your post to my FWS and we discussed all the things that needed to be discussed. Thank you for your great advice. For others out there similarly situated I will tell you that when the BS starts asking the questions the first thing that happens is the WS to become defensive. If you are gentle and reassuring and tell them why it is important for you to know certain things, if they are sincere about reconciliation, they will be radically honest with you. After that happens, both of you will feel better. The barriers that you talk about come from both sides. They have at the root of them deception and lies. Trust is harder to rebuild than it is to earn the first time. Radical honesty is absolutely necessary for the BS to start to trust again. However, once the trust was betrayed the first time it is best to take the advice of Ronald Regan...trust, but confirm independently. I appreciate all of you on this site. When D-Day occurred, I had few outlets to state how I was feeling and understand how to react. This site has been a phenomenal tool to help me and my wife start to rebuilt and recover.

BS (me) 41
FWW 39
PA 1994
EA 1994-1995
NC 1995
D-Day 8/26/05
Recovering day by day