Hi, it's me again. Had a great weekend with my husband, just like I hoped. I think we've really turned the corner. Since discovery, he totally committed to me again. He broke it off that night, quit the job he worked with her, and hasn't seen or spoken to her since. He is very sorry for what he's done, and says he wants me and only me. I have been the only one to ever bring up divorce in the heat of anger. He said that was never an option for him. He always loved me and always would. He said if I ever left him, he would keep trying to win me back if it took him the rest of his life. We've been together for 7 years and married for two. He has known that all my life my biggest and most important goal was to have children. I am a teacher and being with 15 children all day is still not enough for me. Here's the question: Is it a good idea to have kids within two years of discovery? I discovered it in February of 1999. We want to get pregnant in the summer of 2000 (1 yr. 6 mo. after discovery). He says he will be ready by then and is very anxious for us to have a child. He wants his children to be able to know their grandfather who is getting on in years (43 when my husband was born) and so we can't wait too much longer. I need any of you out there that had children with their spouse after discovery to give me some advice on this. I want children desperately with him, but I'm so scared. I don't want to be a single mother, and I would be if he was to stray again. HELP!!!!!!!

Hurtone;<BR> I may not be the best person to be answering this right now, being my husband still hasn't discovered my infidelity, as of today anyways...but I can tell you where I'm at with children. We already have a son, 2 years old...the love of our lives, and regardless of whatever happens with our marriage, I would never deny my H access to our son. We have discussed having another one, but until things are stable between us, I don't want the responsiblily of another child. Being you are both on the road to recovery, and by the sounds of it, things are going good for you, then I would say go for it. There really is nothing in the world that can bring more happiness than having a child, a product of your love...and it just may be what you both need to celebrate your new found love for each other. And by the time you have the child, things should be going GREAT consistently....that's just my opinion, but I wish you the best in what you choose. <BR>~Bren~

Thanks Benna. I really appreciate your words of encouragement. I do think a child would bring us closer together. He acts as if he really wants this as much as I do. I hope things work out for you and your husband. Thanks again!

Hurtone:<P>I don't have kids, so I may not be the best one to ask, but just remember (as I'm sure you do) that children are a BIG responsibility. I don't think there's a timetable for having them after an affair.<P>I think, when you and he are BOTH ready, then you should try. Be wary of the urgency of having kids as a way to avoid dealing with the issues of your marriage. I would advise you to be SURE that your marriage is in a healthy recovery before bringing a child into it.<P>Just my two cents. Good luck on the decision.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

I would say, don't push it. Do it when you're comfortable with the idea, not when it scares you.<P>Here's the thing about getting pregnant and having kids. It puts you through the biggest changes you'll ever probably deal with in your life. It's a great and wonderful thing - I have three kids I can't imagine not having in my life; they are great.<P>But, it is also a huge change and a huge job. And just being pregnant is a lot to deal with, too, and a lot of changes and challenges.<P>Also, the best of marriages experience strains when the first child comes along - it just becomes so much harder to have time for each other, to put the marriage first. Can be done, but it's harder.<P>So, I would say, take your time, get comfortable, wait till you're confident and relaxed again about your marriage, unless your biological clock is ticking really loudly and you just can't wait. <P>But only you will know when the time is right, and I would go with your instinct and do what feels right to you.<P><BR>

Only you can know if it is really right for you and H. <P>Writer is correct...babies, children bring great stress and strain, even on healthy marriages. They also bring great joy. <P>I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with our second child when H had his afair. I regretted being pg at the time and had to work through a lot of guilt after she was born. It put tremendous strain on the recovery process for me and dredged up a lot of emotion...still does.<P>Waiting is a good thing. Strengthening your marriage and exploring your committment is important too. <P>Good luck. I will say that children are precious and a gift from God. <P>------------------<BR>Joan

Like Lone Star, I don't have children, but I cringe when I hear the word "baby" used in conjunction with the phrase "bring us closer together."<P>I call these "glue babies." They are babies born because one or the other partner or both decided that a baby would "bring them closer together."<P>It takes a lot of hard work and a very strong bond to raise a family and maintain a marriage. Children require a level of utter selflessness that often leaves nothing left for the spouse. I don't know anyone with children where the marriage hasn't taken a back seat.<P>To introduce a child to a less-than-strong marital bond does NOT bring you closer together, it often is the final wedge driving you apart.<P>Only YOU know when your marriage has healed sufficiently to bring a child into it. Be sure that your H wants children as much as you do before proceeding.