Okay everyone I posted a thread a few weeks ago and now things have changed a little but not exactly what I had in mind. Just need a little advice and support I guess.

I start a condensed short story, and if anyone can give me advice please do so. My wife started having an emotional A back in the middle of June with OM. I found out about 5 weeks into the A and had all the normal reactions but I realized how I have not been meeting her needs for some time due to work and moving across the word and school. Well anyways when I found out she said that she needed time to think so I pretty much gave her that time. She also went back in forth for about a week on whether she was going to move into this apartment down the street because she felt that was something she missed out on in her life. She kept asking me through that time if we could work things out if she stayed but nothing definite. Of course I told her, but she never committed to that because she moved out in the beginning of August, and she told me that she broke it off with the OM so I would stay around and shut her out of my life. At this point she had not told me anything about the A except for that she had feelings for him and that it was not sexual. About a week later I found out who the OM was and that they did not break it off so, I confronted her and told her I knew and I called the OM wife and told her. After, this happened my wife told me about part their relationship. She told me that she does love him and trust him and has answered most of my questions except for the one about how he makes her feel or what does he give you that I can't? According to both of them it was not a sexual relationship. After all this I asked her what she wanted and she told me that she doesn't know I just need time which was alone in her apartment; this was at the end of August. Well I told her fine but her time was running out. Well this went on for about three weeks which in those three weeks she still called me and wanted to come over sometimes but could not make a decision. Finally I told her that our anniversary was coming up and either we were going to work on us or she was going to need to get completely out of my life and she had until our anniversary to decide. Well by this time she said that her and the OM had not communicated since the week I told OM wife. Well I don't know how true that is but o well.

Okay now we get into the last two weeks on our anniversary she said that she wants to work on us because she knows we owe it too ourselves and to our history to try, but she still had those feelings for the OM. She also said that she was not ready to leave her apartment yet because she wants to make sure this is what she wants. When I asked how long she said she didn't know for how long and she said maybe 2 months but I don't know. I told her that she had to separate herself from OM completely and that meant quitting her job. She was reluctant but she agreed and next week is her last week. She had also told me that her fears of trying to make us work are that it doesn't work and she hurts me all over again or that she gets those loving feelings again and I turn around and abandon her. Well over the past 12 days since we agreed to try to work on us we have spent a great deal of time together doing things and I have tried to be romantic but she told me that she doesn't want affection (kisses, holding hands, cuddling) right now because she says that she wants it to really mean something when we do. I have only kissed her once and that was completely 100% my doing. We almost hug once every night when she leaves but nothing more. Since affection and romance is her number 1 need I have tried to meet it but she won't let me. When I brought it up she got mad and told me that didn't want to pretend and that those feeling will come with time and it should just happen and we shouldn't plan for it. She also said that she is giving me all of her time right now to work on us, but I don't see how we are going to get back to us if we do not have the affection and romance. I am not talking about sex I am just talking about the kissing and holding of hands hugging and cuddling to try to restore the love. I told her that I didn't think that we were going to fully be working on us until we meet each others needs and she said that she knew she was not meeting mine and that she was sorry but right now she just needed time so she can let me back into her life. I just don't understand how she expects to get to that special place with me without doing the affectionate things? She told me the other night that she was not over the OM yet while we talking about these and she says they haven't had any going on since I found out who it was. She says she's trying but when I question her like I did she feels that I think shes not trying enough of course I tell her that I know she trying but I haven't told her that I feel that she is not trying hard enough yet. Should I?

I guess I just need some advice on how long should I wait for her to really open up to me again and for her to allow me to be affectionate to her. I feel the role should be reversed here.

One other thing I guess I just don't get is that this man is 10 years older and is in his second marriage which his first ended because of him doing the same thing and he has some kids and my W loves him eve after knowing this. My W is a very intelligent lady and has never though twice about our marriage until him.

Well sorry for the length everyone I just had to get it off my chest and if anyone can give me advice or comments please do so
Thanks

Dear Toby,
I am so sorry for your situation. It is so tough being the betrayed spouse. I can't offer any advice, I'm pretty new at this myself. There are plenty of folks her that will be able to steer you in the right direction. This board is a godsend for those of us betrayed spouses. Almost every normal instinct the betrayed spouse naturally has, usually is counterproductive to restoring their marriage.
This website is a great tool in knowing what the right thing to do is.
Best of luck,
Sincerely
K.D.'s Heartbreak

Your situation sounds very promising to me. Your wife is agreeing to quit her job. That is HUGE. Right now, she is in withdrawal, but if she continues to have no contact with OM, that won't last long. Hang in there, and keep doing what you are doing.

Hi Toby

I just wanted to say that I'm with Believer on this one. Your wife leaving her job is an important (positive) indicator.

It's about 6 months since I found out about my H's 1yr A with a co-worker, and he's just started his new job. It does help, but we're hoping to move house to a new area too.

What I wanted to say is that although there are far more experienced people out there than me, who I'm sure will comment, I think you need to find ways to try and reassure your wife that you're in it for the long haul. You're not about to change your mind and just leave her. Even if you just tell her regularly. If she wants to work it out, and is prepared to commit to it, then there is nothing she could say to you about the past that would make you leave (assuming that this is how you feel!).

I'm starting (slowly) to understand that my H has needed as much reassurance from me over the last few months as I have from him. I think it's harder for me to believe his reassurance (but then I would say that, wouldn't I - he probably thinks the reverse).

Whatever you do, it is going to take a lot of time. Don't expect things to be fixed over night. Try to take care of you in the meantime - try and do some of the things that just make you feel good.

Take care

unhappy_badger