Uncovering more methods of communication (I think) between WH & OW. I havent' really been checking WH's cell bill lately, I didn't think any clues would show up there since both OWH & I knew of the A and they figured we would both be on the lookout for calls on the cell bill. I would check call history daily on both WH's personal cell and work cell(but then figured he was just deleting any pertinent calls anyway.)

Well, last night I decided to look at his personal bill & it hit me right in the face! There were calls in the early morning hours from his WORK PHONE to his PERSONAL CELL PHONE.(OW & WH both work nights) The calls were very long, one at 75 minutes, 30, 40, 20 and so on. Not really during the week, mainly on the weekends. The calls stopped abruptly when WH got transferred to a different location. WH was giving OW his personal cell phone so they could chat without OWH or myself knowing about it. Devil's advocate here: WH has told me before that he has had to give his phone to a trainee before when they were going out on the road.....so maybe some of those calls were back & forth to a trainee???

Most likely not. However; there have been no more calls like that on his cell bill since he got transferred a number of weeks ago.

Question: This is info that I could or could not share with OWH. I could or could not confront WH. It is over a month ago. WH & I had a good day today at the fair with DS. I even got a squeeze as WH was going up to bed. Should I utilize this info??????

Second Discovery: I knew that WH had a voice mail set up for his second job. In the back of my mind I always wondered if OW used that voicemail to leave messages for WH. Well, now I know for certain that she has. I noticed on WH's cell bill him dialing that voice mail at odd hours of the morning - a weird time to be checking voice mail for that second job. The voicemail number also showed up on a day that WH told me that "OW had just left him a long, rambling message about how I had contacted OWH and she wanted to come and confront me." The time and date match exactly, followed by another sequence of #'s that I remember clearly.

Question: This might even save me some $$ from buying that digital recorder....Should I e-mail OWH & ask him if he can check OW's phone records to see if the voice mail # is showing up on her bill?? That would tell me for sure that they are still communicating.

I believe I know the answer to that question, but need some encouragement. When WH finds out that I shared that info he is going to be even more mad. I guess I can't do anymore harm since he is not wearing his ring and sleeping in the other room.

Have my counseling session with SH in the morning......I look forward to him adding his insights to all of the excellent advice I have received here.

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS, age 5
Married 13 years
Re-Exposed 2 weeks ago....WH sleeping in other room, not wearing ring.

Kim, why not wait and ask SH what he thinks? You already knew that your H was still in touch with the OW, so this is all nothing new. What is new is that you have figured out that she is using his voicemail. Can you check that voicemail?

I would still look into placing the voice activated recorder in his car.

ML - Thanks! I will see what SH says....

As far as the voicemail - I don't have the password. I have tried to figure it out before with no luck.

I put my minicassette recorder in the car w/intentions of going to Radio Shack & exchanging the other day. Just haven't done it yet.......

Take care!!

Kim

Kimberly,

That sequence of numbers you remember clearly may be his voicemail access code....just a thought.

BB
(who is waiting for Rita to knock on her door)

Make sure you get a digital voice activated recorder they are silent on and off...minicassette "click" off at the end of a tape. Digital recorders can record up to 3 hours. I got one at Walmart for under $30.

I was under the impression that you were going into Plan B if you find continued "evidence" of the affair? What is the "plan"?

Lem

BB - I should have been more clear with sequence of numbers on his bill. The numbers were OW's numbers as she called WH while I was standing right there.....that's a day I remember vividly.

Confused - Wow. $30 is pretty cheap compared to the $90 at Radio Shack. I think the one at Radio Shack goes up to 8 hours???

Lem - the evidence that I found was from August. I knew they were still in contact at that point. I was just unaware how. I am looking at contact since September 8th......As I said before, I am prepared mentally for Plan B. I am not however prepared on paper(steps to take, letter, etc.) That is something I will need help on.

I am still going to do Plan A right now. I spoke with SH this morning and he helped me considerably. It is amazing the difference between the MC that WH & I were going to and SH. I feel like I have someone who truly has the goal of helping me put my M back together.

Rather than try to "catch" WH in contact, I am going to just assume that he is(which is what I read consistently on the boards) until WH comes forward to me and states/proves otherwise. SH had some great info for me and things I could say to WH to strengthen my position and get WH to have a session with SH.

I feel much better! I plan on talking to WH tomorrow.....

Kim

Kim, I am so happy you spoke to SH! How did your session go?

Kim,

As someone else who did regular MC and counseling with MB (I talked to Jennifer Chalmers and not SH, but it's all the same) ... I completely agree with you. There really is such a difference. MB is all about plans and steps. For me, MC was all about sharing your feelings, with maybe a few suggestions of how to communicate.

I hope my H can see the benefit of MB like you do!

Melody - The session went very well. He reinforced a lot of what I have read here and then was able to give me specific things that I could say to WH to strengthen my position. SH recognized that WH was good at "softening" me and I don't need to let that happen. SH wanted to make sure that I knew that I was not the guilty one, who is the one doing something wrong here?

I will Plan A and get WH to talk to SH.(I will be sharing this in a separate post) We also talked a little about DS. I told SH that DS didn't deserve to go through this and DS didn't deserve to grow up without his Dad. SH helped me realize though that I couldn't do this all just for DS and that there could be the point where I would have to make that break -----that I needed to be sure to teach him how a spouse should be treated and WH is NOT a good example. I will have to stand up for myself.

There was so much more, but wanted to share a bit of the session......

Cinnymd - Oh, I hope that your BS will come around for you. You hit it right on with the description of my regular MC. She wanted us to "talk" more and communicate about the past, etc. How do you feel??? stuff.

Kim

Kim,

In a a lot of our sessions, my MC would say things like "Tell me about your childhood." We talked a lot about the effect that my parent's relationship had on me. It was all great for understanding who I am, but didn't do too much in the way of rebuilding a M. Just made me feel frustrated and more distant from my family. That was in IC.

We did a lot of work on communication when I was with my H. I agree that communication is important. But we have learned that we never really knew how to communicate well. But we still got married. Why? Because we loved each other. Because we were in love. Our MC never really helped us rebuild that love. It's interesting that she would say things like "When you say that" or "When you do that" you are setting the other person up to fail. I feel like by only addressing one real issue (and an issue that is secondary), we set our M up to fail.

I want to share this information with my H, but I don't think he is emotionally in place to hear any of that.

Cinnymd -

Is you H going to speak with SH? By the way, I am glad to see a WS here trying to work out the M. We don't see that often here. I wish my WS would come out of the fog that he's in. I feel so heartbroken this morning....

I have had to tell my DS that I am just really sad this morning and that is why I am crying. WH is working right now & I told DS that I just missed his Daddy. DS is trying to cheer me up. So sad that a 6 year old has to take care of his Mommy.

Kim

Take your comfort where you can get it. My kids try to cheer me up too. Even my big fluffy dogs can sense when I'm down. Nothing like a 50 lb ball of fur on top of you to make you feel well...warm and fuzzy.

There will be lots of bad days but it gets better. Do your family have a Sunday morning routine that isn't happening now? Maybe it's time for a new routine. My kids and I have more of a partnership than we had before.

Take care.

Grapegirl -

On occasion we will got to church.....I kept asking myself this morning o.k., Kim, what would you be doing if WH was not in the picture????? Well, I would have been getting ready for church. If it was just me and DS I would be exposing him to the things I grew up doing. Church, Youth Choir, etc.

I have not done a good job teaching him about God. WH is not religious. So, I tried to get myself geared to go to church, but just couldn't do it...

Kim

Our family has never been a church going family. Although WH was raised in a devout Cathlic family, he hasn't gone to church since he left home. Through the years, Sunday morning has often been the only time that we didn't have a lot of things going on. It was a time we could all be together and that is worthwhile to. I tried to push church a few times. When it seemed like it was going to be one more activity that I did alone with the kids, I backed off.

Even though my kids haven't had any formal religious training or put in "church time", they are great kids. They have good values, excellent morals and do the right things. No drugs, no drinking, good grades, do community works, kind to their elders and polite. That's more than I can say for a lot of the kids who do go to church all the time. In the end, it seems that I am the one who has helped them learn to be good people.

This is a good time for you to start a new routine with DS. Make a big breakfast together. My daughter loves to bring me breakfast in bed on the occasional morning. Even cold toast and a teabag plopped into tap water is nice. Take a walk together every Sunday morning or do your shopping together.

A funny story about church: As I said, we've never had a church home and don't attend. When the kids were little, my very religious Inlaws would fly out to visit for Christmas. I encouraged them to take the kids to Christmas services. Through the years it evolved that we'd all go as a family. When DS#2 was about 6, his grandpa asked him if he was going to go to church. DS answered "No thanks, Grandpa, I've already been." Like he's already been to Disneyland and the park. He just didn't get the concept that people go to church every week. Thirteen years later, even without going to church, this kid has an amazing moral compass.

Hang in there. Make new routines, it helps.

Kim,

SH only has morning appointments. My H is soooooo not a morning person. He manages a bar so he has late hours. That being said, I have counseled with Jennifer Chalmers (she has late evening appointments because she is in the Phillipines). Last week, my H agreed to listen in on the conversation, but not participate. She made an appointment with him tomorrow. I don't know if he cancelled it or not. I am just hoping that if he didn't cancel it, he will answer when she calls, because the sessions are being charged to my credit card!

A lot of BS's out there tell me how great they think it is that I am here and I am fighting for my M. I would give anything to hear my H say that.

Thanks Grapegirl - A routine like that sounds great! It sounds like you have had a great positive influence on your kids. I know many kids grow up to be super w/out church. Some of my best memories were of my summer Youth Choir Tours - I would like for DS to have a memory like that too. He is so musical and is already playing the guitar(thanks to his Dad) and I would like for him to be able to use his talents.

I love that story you shared about DS#2 - that is so cute and funny!!!!

DS and I also have Saturday mornings together too - We could do the big breakfast thing on Saturdays....

Thanks!

Kim