My wife and I have been married 4 years, no kids. After the first year, things have become very rocky. We have accumulated debt that I want to get rid of and my wife doesn't seem to have any interest in doing so. She is always wanting to buy stuff and we can't afford it. I do the bills all the time and have asked her numerous times to help out and at least participate and see where our money is going, how much we have, how things are going financially, ect. She will do it once or twice and then stop again. She never asks how much money we have, she just buys stuff when the wants it. She recently wanted a new wedding band for her diamond because she was not happy with hers and it didn't fit anymore. We didn't have the money. She wanted to put it on a credit card at 0% and pay it off before interest accrues with her money in her separate checking account. I asked her to wait until we could afford it because I was uncomfortable adding to our debt and she went out and purchased it anyway. Funny how she wants to celebrate our marriage with a ring she's happy with but chips away at the thing she's trying to celebrate.

She doesn't get along with my family. It has increased to the point that she won't go to my family events with me. She found out that my parents think she needs personal counseling (which I've slowly realized she does) and became very offended that they talked about her behind her back. I don't want my wife to be estranged from my family because I continue to go to events in her family. We all miss her but I can't make her go with me. She tells me that she only wants to go to main holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas and nothing else. I can't imagine bringing up children like this where if they want to go to Grandma and Grandpa's house, I have to take them because mommy doesn't like them.

She hates (yes, hates) my brother's girlfriend, she didn't like my older brother's wife for a long time but likes her now for some reason. She doesn't like my grandma anymore (she's a pain in the [censored]). She doesn't like a lot of people and it really hurts me that my spouse can act like that and actually HATE somebody. She has a real self-esteem problem and I don't know how to help her.

Her parents divorced in 2004 and I don't believe ever had a normal marriage. I think my wife was brought up in that and thinks that it was normal but it never was. I think that their divorce has really screwed her up and I now regret not having her go to counseling when it happened.

We rarely have sex anymore and she doesn't seem to care. I don't seem to care either because all these problems affect my feelings for her. Anytime I've brought up sex in the past, she's been pretty ambivalent about it. "why? will that make you feel better?" is what she asks if I ask about why we don't have a normal sex life.

In May, she found a house she wanted to buy. I was uneasy about it because it was expensive and would be a difficult mortgage to pay when we decide to have kids and she stops working full time. We went all the way to having a contract on the new house and our's on the market. I became very depressed and physically ill because I felt it was the wrong decision. She told me if I didn't want to do it, I had to call the realtor and back out. I even cried in front of her because I was so depressed and stressed out and found out later in counseling that she thought I was just doing it to try and manipulate her. I told her after we took our house off the market that she was an unhappy person and continually trying to fulfill herself with things wasn't going make her happy. I told her that happiness comes from the inside. The next day, she moved out to live with her mother and that lasted for over a month before she moved back home. To tell you the truth, I really didn't miss her that much and it was very liberating. When she came over to the house or we talked, she tried to act like nothing was wrong, trying to tell me she loved me and stuff that I really didn't want to hear. I was very hurt by her moving out. I now think that she left because she didn't get the house she wanted and was upset at me for denying her of it. It really was the first time in our marriage that she didn't get what she wanted. She's gotten the expensive ring she wanted, the expensive car she wanted, the third dog she wanted and I didn't want that we had a HUGE blowout over.

We've been going to counseling since early in 2005 and have continually talked about all these things. It seems like something always happens to bring up all the bad things in our marriage. She will do something like spend money that was for something else that damages my trust in her. I don't trust her with any type of credit card whatsoever.

I've gotten to the point now that I wonder what it would be like on my own. I wonder what it would be like to be able to date other people and see if this is a normal marriage or if I'm missing out on something special. However, I'd have to get divorced to do it.

I do know that I'm not happy with things the way they are and my wife is a HUGE part of the problem. But, I also know that the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.

I really don't know what to do. I've gotten to the point where I'm just going to tell her what I need from her as a spouse and if she can't provide it, then we're through.

How old is your wife? She sounds like she's mentally about 14. To save yourself from financial ruin, you must cancel any credit card that she can use. Take the checkbook away and remove it from the house. If she's going to behave like a child when it comes to money, you must treat her like a child. She gets a cash allowance and nothing more, all purchases must be approved by and made by you until she can learn fiscal responsibility. This isn't the way a marriage is suuposed to work, but sometimes radical solutions are required.

You are married, but your wife isn't. She's just playing married. Worse, she is addicted to American mass culture and believes that she has to have a lot of "stuff" to be happy.

I'd advise you to MB, you can learn a lot here. Unfortunately, MB won't work unless both partners are dedicated to the process. I know this from hard experience.

If you stay together, do not have a child with this woman until she grows up. If you do, you will be raising two children alone. You will also end up in divorce court with problems that make the ones you are having now seem like a Sunday picnic.

Hey man, I can totally relate!

Unfortunately I don't have much advice. My W was the spender. She bought every thing - she couldn't pass up a bargain no matter how much it was.

It got to the point that we had no idea where our money was going anymore so we made a binder to track EVERYTHING we bought and catagorised them to see where we spent the most to try and limit those areas. We did this for about 8 months, keeping every receipt, tracking all cash coming in and going out, and found where we spent the most.

I also found it helpful to avoid going to the mall where there is greater temptation to buy things.

Alas, it didn't work for very long because I was a doormat. I've always been trying to make up for my indiscretion in the past that I just allowed it to go on because it made her happy. It didn't make me happy though.

We accumulated a lot of debt through our marriage and luckily I had a job where overtime was frequent and allowed without prior approval. I worked a lot to try and keep money in the bank. We have always lived paycheck to paycheck. It doesn't help that we have 3 kids because they are expensive to raise!

We bought a large, expensive, 4 bedroom house in November. I was working in Chile at the time and had not even been in the house before my W bought it. I of course knew about it, had seen digital pics of it, and had to sign documents to purchase the house, but it was all done while I was overseas for a month. Now we are separating, my W wants a D, and we are selling the house. We're going to lose a lot of money just on realitor, lawyer, and bank penalty fees.

My point is that I just stood back and let it happen, afraid to voice my opinion for the fear of getting a tongue lashing and feeling like I failed her. Now that we've been separated I am beginning to see how much I just let things happen because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Don't let this happen to you because it will never stop until someone with a right mind puts their foot down. That's you.

My wife has various mental health conditions (depression, anxiety, OCD) and had major insecurities and low self-esteem. Your wife seems to be acting just like mine. I don't know if these conditions contributed to her spending habits but I think that she bought things so that she would be happy to battle her depressions. It's hard to come up with a rational explanation for someone who cannot think rational. Insist to your W for her to get personal counselling, not for you or your marriage, but for her. It can't hurt and can only help. Also make sure the counsellor is pro marriage or this will back fire.

My W hates my family too. They always had to watch what they said around her and felt like they were walking on needles every time they were around her. She is very judgemental and hated her own parents and sister for a long period of her life. This has seemed to have subdued but I'm sure she still feels resentment towards them (she never lets things go) and is now starting to dislike her other sister because my W does not approve of how she acts.

Your W should go see a doctor. She seems to have something wrong with her that possibly can be treated with a prescription. She may need to see a psychiatrist.

I agree with Check, don't have kids with her until she is better. It will not make the situation better at all. Trust me, I'm living it right now.

You are here to do one thing: rebuild your marriage. This is what MB is all about. However, like Check said, it does take two. Your W is not at a point to contribute to this until she gets some help. Help her right now get that help. Don't give her an ultimatum that if she doesn't do this than we're done. This is a LB and will only lead to more resentment. Again, trust me, I know.

So I'd say that the best thing for you to do is to help your W get help so that she can get to a point of seeing how she acts and treats people and can contribute to rebuilding your marriage. And try to do the things listed in this website, like meeting EN's.

Cambridgeman, you have just described my wife.

Manic depressive, OCD, Anxious. Control freak, aggressive, bad with money.

Ugh, it's not just me then.

Nodiggity, Please go over to Emotional Needs board and read Holdingontoit's threads.He's been living a variation of your life for years now.

For what it's worth, and it ain't much, here's my advice.

Have you seen any change since MC? If not, find another counselor, maybe someone with some individual counseling experience. Most marriage counseling techniques won't work if one spouse has seroius eomtional issues and/or personality disorders. You'll be wasting time and money.

I would suggest you read up on the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA, and bring a copy of it to your next session. If I were in your shoes, I would insist that POJA is followed in everything. She doesn't get to spend money if it causes you distress, however, she doesn't have to visit your family if it causes her distress.

If she refuses to follow it, find out why. She may not understand the principle. If she does understand the principle and still refuses to follow it, you have an insight into how she values you.

My really important piece of advice is this: If you do have sex with your wife, wear a condom. Do not re

I assume you've cut up all the credit cards and closed as many of the accounts as you can. If you haven't, you should.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

I will jump on the bandwagon also, my wife is the same way. Always buying things, never happy.