Wh left the house last Fri night an has been staying in a motel to "think". He did tell me that he went out with OW Sat night, I thanked him for his honesty and went on about my business.

I have been trying to "fall out of love" with him, trying to look at the reality, but still had hope that the alien would leave. Wednesday night, I couldn't sleep, so I started driving. I found his car at a hotel. I realized that if I could see them together, I could finally stop believing in him and move on another step.

So I stayed in the parking lot. OW came in the AM and left something on his car. I took it and tapped on her car and asked her if she realized that WH was married. We talked fo a minute, she was scared to death, I felt bad for her. Well, WH found out that I had talked to her, he is full of hate for me, he has to protect his mistress at all cost.

He said I cannot try to control him, I cannot try to save him from himself, I have no right to meddle in his life. For a month he has been telling me how close it is to over with OW. It was almost over when I found out, it was over when I did find out, last night was a good bye... this is a really long break up!

I tried to expose, the family knew, friends knew, his boss knew (but his boss lied to me and made it look like WH has lied so that was damaging). Everyone has been just sitting idly by and watching this car race towards the brick wall.

I don't know what there is to be learned from this experience. Maybe just that I was really second best to him, I was OK as long as I would keep putting up with his crap. But when I started to make decisions for my own life-hummm, little wifey is a problem.

What you did was expose beyond denial. He wasn't planning to break up at warp speed. He was planning to stay warped until he fell to earth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

So what did the OW say? Why was she in the car? What did she put in his car? Seems pretty sneaky doncha think?

Ok, what r u ready t/d vs what you should do?

L.

OW put a four leaf clover on his car as a good bye token. She just seemed scared and ashamed, she honestly did seem sweet. I can see what WH saw in her, I do wish he would look at me like he must have looked at her.

She just said she was sorry, they had been trying to stop, nothing very important. I was not angry or confrontational. I was just, please respect my children's family.

I don't know what I should do, and today, I don't have a plan. I feel like I should just go ahead and file for divorce. I think it will always hurt too much that he was so damned protective of her. When he realized what had happened, it was much more interested in what she had left and what she had said, as opposed to realizing that I knew that it was still going on. That reality sucks. Maybe he can get over his anger at me, but I am not sure that I could ever trust the alien is gone again. So I guess divorce seems to be the next right thing.

I just don't know. Nothing anyone has said or anything I have read a made any sense. Well, it makes sense, it just doesn't make him love me any more...

The four leaf clover signified what?!?!! Oh don't even try to find logic in that. Of course it ain't real, like the A isn't real.

As for him, you'd best get into a plan and fast. Can you consel with Steve @ MB? You definitely need a plan.... for you.

Let him stew out there. They can't end it because the A is deeply entrenched. They efforts to end are superficial at best. You haven't see the ugly side of the OW. Don't let her fool you. Her ugliness will come out.

Get into your plans A & B. Because of what is happening you s/b closer to implementing a plan B. You are wasting valuable time. What have you read?

L.

I guess I am in plan B thinking. Basically trying to cover my butt preparing for divorce. I have read SAA, so I will reread all the plan B. I just need to be at the point where I am not plan Bing to get him back, but plan Bing to improve myself for whomever comes along.

I would love for DH to come back, but I want DH, not this brain infected heartless cruel man that looks like him. So, I can hang out plan Bing. I need to discuss finances with him. He is still pretty foggy on all that. I guess he thinks that everyone can just live on love.

We were separated for two years after my EA. I did come home and I thought he had forgiven me. I cannot ever think that he will come home. But I don't have to stop loving that man that I was married to. I guess I feel much like I would if he died. He is gone, I need to move on, and if someone comes along that loves me like my dear departed DH did-then great. But just because my husband has departed, does not mean I need to accept any half-a$$ed treatment from any Joe Schmo.

Jean,

U don't want a WS back. You want and need an H in your life if you choose to have an H in your life. You deserve no less.

Point is, if he is a WS, then you'd better be headed for plan B but I don't think you are ready for it yet.

Have you read His Needs/Her Needs and Love must be Tough? In addtion you need to setup some phone counseling time with Steve if possible. You will get your plans and boundaries better identified and ready to implement with less pain if you work with Steve. No kidding. He is worth every penny, even if it is a lot of pennies. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Do you have a choice but to plan B when they are gone? Well, yeah, I guess I could still try to be meeting his needs, but that would be silly since I have no clue what the alien needs.

I guess I am just done with trying to do anything towards reconciliation. If I am living my life and that life looks appealing to him at some point, I would give DH a crack at being in my life. But DH has not been heard from in a long time. I am done with WH, this man is totally screwed in the head. I tried to be his support, but I hope he has some good friends to help him now-I just can't do it anymore.

I have been working on some boundary issues in my head before I talk to him again. We need to discuss some financial stuff, visitation with the kiddos, and that you don't get to be disrespectful to me on the phone-I am a business partner now, not your wife, so talk to me with the same respect you talk to everyone else.

He is going out of town to pick up the kids this weekend. I am sure his sister will have an earful for him. But I just don't see that change is going to come soon. It took me a long time for my fog to clear when I was the WS. He has so many more pride and ego issues, he may never come back.

I would like him to know, I don't need an apology, repentance, 20 lashes with a noodle. I need my DH back and the BS to stop. If he can be the man he once was, AND we can work on affair prevention, then I'm all game. I really don't need to dissect this crap anymore, I do want to stop it from happening again though.

It has been a very long two days. I was up all night Wednesday playing in Jerry Springersville, I slept part of Thursday and now it is 3:30 AM and I am fully up writing.

Just work on getting yourself to a point where letting go isn't scary. Plan A is for you just like plan B is for you. The difference is plan B requires less effort and less stress.
It does require you stand firm and that's where most BS' lose it. The WS likes to fool the BS into the false sense of recovery security. Be smart don't get fooled like many of us did and have to suffer false recovery tooo many times.

Can you counsel with Steve? You need a bit more support to boost your strength. You have the right idea and direction but it needs t/b firmed up.

Please read Love must be tough by Dr. James Dobson.

take care,
L.

I will go check out that book today, thanks for the recommendation. I do feel Ok today. I actually woke up realizing that I was not having a dream that was NOT about WH or the A-first time that has happened in a month!

My sister told her husband (WH's best friend) what happened the other night. BIL was shocked and very dissapointed that the lies were continuing. I guess I wasn't the only one that was buying all his BS.

He was like a rabid animal after the OW confrontation. So frantic about what I had said to her, never seemed concerned that I knew he was still lying...

This alien is good, he was able to lure me into a false sense of security. But fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I do not see any advantage to attempting reconciliation with the alien.

He says he can't afford a divorce, but I think that a legal separation would be prudent on my part. I need to establish some financial guidelines. Since he is acting so uncharacteristic, it wouldn't be smart to assume that he still feels financially obligated to care for his children.

Hit him where it hurts .... $$$$

Help him reach bottom by showing him what the price tag might be for continuing the affair.

I have had a pretty good weekend. WH has gone to pick up our daughters from his sisters. They have been gone 9 days, the longest I have ever been away from them. I have not talked to him since Thrusday AM, he hasn't called, but I haven't called either (I am proud of that)

I have been hitting lots of AA meetings, not out of fear of drinking, but a realization that I need some spiritual tuning up. Everything that I have done since D-Day has been fear based. WH says he doesn't love me "enough". Today, I know that my Higher Power loves me enough and that I love me enough.

Actually, I feel kind of foolish, I freaked out when this pitiful little mortal WH said he didn't love me enough. I had lost so much of my spirituality-that was so frightening to me. I do deserve so much more than this. I am not scared anymore.

I read Dobson's "Love Must be Tough". I can plan B with a clear mind. Open the cage door and I wish you well. I will mourn for my marriage and my dearly departed DH. But the sadness will subside, this I do know.

I have an appt with an attorney Monday, and the STD clinic on Tuesday. I can have faith in me and God, but I still need to do the legwork to deal with the human flaws-right?

I am not closing the door on reconciliation. But, for now, I have to take a break from the betrayal and deceit. I have no idea at this time, how I would ever know that the alien is gone (should WH ever say he wants the marriage). But I also know that I don't have to decide that today. Today, will be hard, when he comes back with the kids. I guess we will have to break the news to the girls that Daddy no longer lives here. That will be very hard, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Jean, have you considered using Marriage Builders principles?

The exposure thing is just not going to pan out for me. I have exposed and no one really gives a damn. There seems to be a small green card issue. Everyone involved with OW is a ****** of a lot more concerned with that than with this little affair. His boss lied, WH lies, OW lies, OWH wants this to go away to protect his own [censored].

I was in plan A, but the contact was continuing apparently. I did not know about MB until 2 weeks after D-day. Too little, too late. I can plan B now, I am done dealing with the alien. But, since there has been more exposure, MAYBE the OW will stay away-there seems to be a risk of deportation if little wifey raises a stink.

If he wants to come home, I will ask for more guidance if plan A is possible at this point. I am assuming that Plan B is in order now.

Jean, why haven't you exposed to her husband? You say "his family knew" and his boss knew. They knew what? Did you tell them about the affair or are you guessing that they "know?" HOW do they know and how do you know they know?

Plan B is not in order until a SOLID Plan A has been done. Otherwise it is a waste of time. If you go to Plan B without having done Plan A, the WS is just relieved. On the other hand, if you do a solid Plan A, Plan B can be good leverage because they have something to miss. Your H is detached from you so he won't miss you if you do it now.

I have talked to his boss, his boss knew everything and lied to me to protect OW and her husband. They are a very tight knit community, everyone knows everything. No one cares about my family, there are immigration laws, fraud laws, and all this other crap at stake for them.

I can not plan A with him at a motel with her. maybe a charcter flaw of mine, but I am not going to cook his dinner for whenever he climbs off of her. I just can't do that. He wants to leave with his dignity, well, I would like to have a little dignity too.

I wish I had found this site before I needed it, things would have been different.

But I have no idea where he is mentally right now. I would think that a weekend with his FBW sister may have an inpact on him-but I cannot bank on the alien reacting to anything rationally.

He has begged me to not cause OW immigration issues. He is risking his own children's well being and the well being of this woman he claims to love so much. I am not going to blackmail him to come home. My one hope is that OW has realized I know who, when, where and what she is. Perhaps she will back off for fear of deportation. Then WH can deal wih the reality of his actions. He wanted me to back off so he could think, perhaps if she backs off, he can think with his big head instead of his his little head.

Jean, are you just giving up? This is far from a hopeless situation and you have all the power in your hands. I just don't understand why you are throwing in the towel before you ever get to the battle field.

For today, I have larger priorities, my sanity. I want off the roller coaster. Yeah, I can always have the ****** deported. I can tell her husband that he is risking fraud charges if he doesn't keep the woman away. He is a husband in name only.

I know I have a handful of aces, but I am not going to blackmail that man into coming home. I have some self respect. I deserve a whole lot better than this.

Tonight will be interesting. We will have to tell the kids something. If I decide that there is something to save, I would love to have the support of this community. My hat is off to you all for staying in the fight.

Jean, I am not in a fight. Nor has anyone ever suggested blackmail. What I am suggesting is following a strategic plan designed to bust up the affair and attract your H back instead of reacting emotionally to his every move. You are letting a crazy man drive the ship right now and instead of taking over the navigation, you are jumping ship when you have ample opportinity to take over. See what I mean?

How about telling the kids the truth?

OK, what should I do. OW's HINY doesn't care about the affair. My WH fixed his equipment at his business, he is probably more concerned with who is going to keep his equipment running (this per conversation between OW and WH's workmate). Wh's boss doesn't care about affair, he just wants me to let it alone and not cause trouble. WH does not care about anything but OW.

IF (and this is a big IF) he wanted to come home, it would be because OW is not willing to risk more communication. So, if that happened, I could theorectically plan A. It would take a lot of pop eating on my part, knowing that I was the dedault partner, but, it is doable.

If he wants to stay gone, plan B seems to be the only way to go. All I keep hearing from everyone in his camp is "back off". OK, I'm out, know let him wallow in his adulterous muck and write me a big check.

I am tired of fighting a rabid, caged animal.

Tell me exactly what you said to OW's H and what he said. What did you tell your H's family about the affair?