For over a year now we have been in recovery so to speak. We have both been WS/BS. Me 8 years ago, Her last year.

For the majority of the past year I was just happy we were still together knowing it would take time to repair all the damage done. Now I am at a point where I feel we have made little progress considering the time alloted.

I feel we lack good communication. I have suggested on numerous occasion we complete the EN Q and A's, and other tools the MB site has. I am always met with no interest.

W will not say she loves me, so I have stopped saying it as well because it just hurts not to get a response. She knows this is why I stopped telling her. Showing affection, SF, spending time together, etc. are all good.

We sit and talk occasionally, I tell her the things that are bothering me, she listens great, but offers nothing in return.

I informed her one thing that bothers me was how often I have poured my heart out with how important she is to me, and how nothing matters more to me than our M. The most meaningful thing I have heard from her is "If I wanted to leave I would have done so".

She argued "I'm sure I have told you our M is important to me also". I informed her that is something I would not have forgotten.

Later that day while I was thinking about our conversation. I email her asking why if that was truthly the case, why did she not take that moment to say it again? I never got a response to the email, just told "I got your email" no response...

I feel as if we are only together for the kids, and finacial convenience. I have no doubt without children we would be D.

I am positive there is no OP, and hasn't been since D-day.

I am really feeling at the end of my emotional rope. Looking for any suggestions or idea's from those who may have simular experience.

JKT,


i'm not sure i have any advice to give you but i wanted you to know you were heard and boy do i relate!!!

the above quote happens to me too.

no response.

how does one deal with no response. i get that so much.

and somehow it always comes back to me doing something wrong.

emails... "well you have to tell me when you send me an email because i don't check my email often" ok, so the next time i tell him that i emailed him... still no response. and a hate having to ask him... did you read my email yet.

i won't attempt to communicate that way anymore. last monday, i stayed home during the day because i was going to have to work late, we were going to play raquetball. he changed his mind because a golf outing with a person who had a business idea for him got arranged instead. but he should be able to get home in time to have a lunch with me before he had to leave for an afternoon photo shoot. so he says. but the game goes long and when he calls to say he is going to be home in 15 min and is the shower free cuz he is going to have to shower quick and then take off, he says NOTHING about lunch. and i feel rather neglected by this time.

so i email him (instead of posting here even). and i tell him i emailed him. two days go by.... i finally ask him. honey... did you read my email... (ok, folks this is an email about feeling neglected and he is neglecting me more by not reading it!!!). "oh, i forgot, i will tommorow."

tommorow came and went, he did not read it. i signed on to his email and deleted it.

i don't mean to highjack.... i just want you to know i understand.

and yet, i CHOOSE to stay cuz of the kids and because i do love him and i would not want to divorce him, not after all we have been though. i mention that because remembering everyday that i am here because i CHOOSE to be here is very empowering for me.

i'll be watching for other words of wisdom to help you and perhaps me too.

I choose to stay also, but also feel without more from her, she will get less from me. Eventually this will lead to one of us looking for emotional support elsewhere.

I don't see how she or I could expect this M to survive under these conditions. Eventually one of us is going to seek emotional support elsewhere, and we all know the results of that.

I will not wait for that day to come. Would rather end the M on the "we tried, it just didn't work, we can be friends, and civil" instead of the alternative: I'm leaving because there is an OP, this is going to be ugly.

I imagine that she feels she has a gun to her head and is expected to perform under duress. That is how I would feel with you, and I am not even a WS. Have you considered taking a different approach? Such as, instead of demanding that she meet your needs [a lovebuster], try to attract her back into the marriage by meeting her needs. I have found that when I consistently meet my H's needs, he knocks himself out to meet mine because he craves the attention he gets.

Also, a year into recovery is a not very much time. My H and I were still pretty detached at a year. After that year mark, things just got better and better all the time.

What was your marriage like before her affair? Have you told her what you told us here, that if things don't improve you might seek emotional support elsewhere?

i also fear that things will just spiral down for us. although i suspect with MB's help, i can hold on for a while before i get to a breaking point.

i'm at a point where i want less from him. i'm just tired of trying to get something that he is not capable. JL has touched on this a bit with me. i have to change my expecation of him.

but i'm not so convince that is a good path to take.

point in case... right now, i honestly want nothing to do with being on the recieving end of SF. i can still give, i have no problem with that. i want to give to him, i truely do love him and enjoy making him feel good. but i don't want to be touched many times. it does not feel good. it does not feel authentic because of how our relationship is. and at this point in my life, i don't want to be touched (read: give my body to) ANYONE who does not love me. and i don't mean to say H does not love me, but he is not loving me as in the verb. and so that is how it goes now. and it does not seem to bother him.

am i in denial thinking i can just keep our marriage like this long term??

end the M on the "we tried, it just didn't work, we can be friends, and civil"

i just can't do that. i can't do that to him, i can't do that to the kids. been there before... not going there again, i'm here for life.

hey ML, are you giving out guarentees with that stmt???

we are almost at the 1yr point.

ML: thanks for the portion of your post that was constructive and helpful.

As for the gun to the head, and "the thats how I would feel with you" comments. I certianly don't think you have near enough information to make these comments. Way off mark.

In regards to how was the marriage prior to the A? To keep it short and sweet: She was a great wife and I was a lousy H for many years.

I have told her everything, and continue to do so. Also I would not have an emotional affair while married, I have learned my lesson. Just suggested it's these type of enviroments that lead to searching for emotional needs being met elsewhere.

Your quote from Patriot is very much a problem for my W, regarding avioding conflict.

Respectfully, JKT

I spoke with W for about an hour after she read my last email. Again to keep it short (I'm tired).

Probably the most constructive conversation we have had in 6 months.

she agreed we need to open the communication, and suggested we return to MC. I am not against going to MC. I am definately against returning to our previous trainwreck in motion councelor we had last time. I suggested again we try to utilize some of the tools offered on this and other sites. If not no avail, I would gladly return to MC with her. She agreed that was the logical route. Reasons being we know where the problem areas, we have the same goals, and a reasonable amount of common sense.

All in all I feel much better now!

FLT2M: I can certianly understand how you feel. the W and I were having our D talks prior to my finding out about her A. I felt our situation was 100% my fault, and there was nothing I wouldn't do or tolerate for another opportunity to make my M right!

After finding out she was having an A (2 monthing into recovery) I certianly did not feel so guilty, and had a whole new issue to deal with.

I can say with all honesty it would have been much easier if I would have never found out about her A. It would have been my burden to carry alone. Not having to struggle with the thoughts, trigger, etc...

Please don't take that wrong, I wouldn't have it any other way, it's all out now, and we can begin the healing. Without the lies, and baggage.

I truly hope you can regain what you and your H deserve! I will be looking for you on here. Thanks for listening to me vent

Has she gone No Contact with the OM or is the affair still continuing? Did you expose the affair to the OM's wife if he is married? Have you both been checked for STD's? Good luck.

JKT,

i'm glad you had a good conversation with your W and it has helped you feel better. I am surprised you are not jumping on the MC offer. I would!! or perhaps if you are more the "do it yourself" kind.... have you looked at the at home course they have on this site?

thanks for your well wishes.

You gave enough information for me to know that I would feel like I was expected, obligated to perform for you if I were your W. That would feel, to me, as if there was a gun to my head. But the real issue here is not how you feel about that, but how your WIFE feels about that? Does she feel that there is a gun to her head?

I guess what i am getting at is this: what are you doing to attract her back?

Does she know that you have a quid pro quo attitude about meeting her needs? I think that would be a huge lovebuster that would put most people off.

I also think it takes much longer than a year to restore a marriage, especially a marriage that was troubled before the affair. My suggestion would be to continue to meet her needs the best you can, without reservation, focusing on doing the things that caused her to fall in love in the first place and she will eventually come along.

This is a pretty good book I have heard, [have not read it myself yet, though, but it comes highly recommended] "Fall in Love, Stay in Love."

sheeesh, I think my marriage was pretty terrible at the 1 year mark. The absolute worst point was around 8-10 months, and while it was somewhat improved at 12 months, it wasn't by much. It wasn't until a good 18 months + that we really started making inroads. Of course, everyone is different, but I have observed that the 1 yr mark isn't long enough to be fully recovered.

ML:
She admits after years of conditioning (my lack of listening) so to speak she does not communicate well. I do not feel I have a quid pro quo attitude, just that there is a certian amount of give and take required for growth, and the communication I feel was the one area we were failing.

She does not volunteer information (things that are bothering her) I have to initiate questioning to get to the issue at hand. But if she gets angry, It will all flow freely, and never in a positve way.

If we have an arguement, I will back off till I cool off to address whatever the issue may be. At that point (heated) she wants to communicate, and obviously it will be negative (LB's a flyin).

I will check the book out. Thanks again for your time and insight.


FL-T2M:

I certainly am not against the MC, but I really think it will be cool to address the issue, and fix ourself. Again if we have problems we can not overcome, I will be on the phone locating a good MC.

For the most part our M is healthy. We are joined at the hip, she doesn't like running to the store for milk unless I go with her, and I like being there. I guess with 3 kids even a trip to the local Walmart alone is a nice getaway.


-Respectfully, JKT