I am wondering if I am defeated, or pathetic, or just strange... or if I am too worldly.. if I am an idiot.... for wanting to be w/a husband who has had multiple OW (he has never had an ongoing OW while we were living together per say) Over the years he will start to go out and meet girls the MINUTE he feels I am dropping off of the marriage (which I have many times because of OTHER problems I have with him aside from OW).. then 3 times so far we seperated for 2-3 or 4 months- thus roll in the other women big time.

I am not desperate, I know my self esteem is good, I support myself financially... I have everything going for me...

If I am NOT shedding any tears about any OW, do not feel threatened by them or even jealous--- should I force myself to care more. I have found that I only want to call them to make him feel the heat of his lies- or to make the OW feel like ****** (yeah that feels good to a BS, sorry)

My heart does not hurt over the OWs- I know he wants me, always. There are lots of details I do not know and H will never tell me. I could get them, but I decided not to. If you truly dont find the OW to be the problem in your marriage- and you know the real problems... is it "OKAY" to just go on and start rebuilding WITHOUT the big to-do and focus about other females that he TOTALLY USED (and who let him and I do not feel sorry for)........

Did any of you out there deal with multiple, random years of OW due to seperation or to a majorly failing marriage ... but then really didn't care about the OW anymore. Is this defeat or am I a fool to think that I am just maturing enough now to realize we have other problems and women are not really one of them???

is this twisted? .... I donno .... you tell us if you think it is twisted.

a question ~~~~

are you happy/content/well-cared for/safe and adored in your marriage ?

is your H committed to NOT being a source of UNhappiness to you?

I'm sorry my posts are so scattered, random and maybe confusing. I have a very hard time posting here cause I can never gather my thoughts enough to make a clear post! And I'm at work so I must type very quickly.

Thanks for coming along, Pep. You are very well trained in getting brains like mine (scattered, ADD)... to function better.. LOL

YES I am adored.... YES I am well cared for and my H will do anything for me.... he is SO tender and loving and affectionate ... and I am safe, very safe with him. THESE are the WONDERFUL things about my H --- BUT the problems in our M are all due to H's unreansonable need for sex every day, his impulse control of spending money, etc etc.... so the bad parts are really BAD!

He lies, also. About the DUMBEST things I've ever seen a grown man lie about.. I almost feel bad for him?? What happened to him as a child??????

giovanna...

I think what you are doing is compartalmentalizing and settling for reflections and shadows...

the problem with this is in my opinion is how this then defines you as a person...

having an affair....is a terroristic act of disrespect to all it touches...

it is the warping and changing of honorable acts and emotions to self fullfill selfish impulses....

it can become a learned behavior but it is warped....

It also is a huge terroristic threat to children and the impact of these actions on their formation of character and even morals is at great risk.........

it is my opinion that you should care greatly and deeply..

because what in my opinion you are describing is condoning insidious bad treatment of yourself and these other women...

the thing that I abhore about OP compartalmentalizing is the acceptance of lying and disrepectful behavior AS LONG as it isn't directed towards them..

and the danger of a BS doing the same....

OP love their married people and deny the ACTS of deception that are enacted to make their time possible.....and never cry fowl until or unless they are on the recieving end..

one would think the hyprocrisy would bring them to their knees....

It is like Carmella on the Sopranos who knows exactly from where all her beautiful things come from...and denying that reality...

I also don't think you can seperate a failing marriage as seperate from the affairs....
they are heavily intertwined....

apathy towards a person who shows no remorse for their actions can be a healthy thing...

apathy towards a persons core defining actions is not healthy....

ARK

"is your H committed to NOT being a source of UNhappiness to you? "

YES- he speaks for HOURS calmly thru many tears about letting me down over and over and how he NEVER EVER wants to be apart, never, ever wants to make me cry.. always wants to please me (and he tries but he is almost incapable, maybe, of stopping certain impulsive behaviours.. maybe meds will help..???)

Gio ... you need help. professional help.

Ark, thanks for your input...

I am rereading it and thinking about it. I am desperate for some help with my failing mind.. I am becomming apathetic, yes. He shows MUCH remorse and takes a ton of "abuse" mentally and physically without a word.. He cries and cries each time this has happened... so what the heck else can I do if I still love him and still want to be with him after we are apart a few months? Maybe I am kidding myself and I do care, I just dont want to deal with what it takes to fix it.... and then thats why I wake up a year later and feel nothing for him... I'm a wacko !

"Gio ... you need help. professional help. "

Ok, you are right- I agree with you 100%. Professionals are very expensive, I have found. I am sorry to come here with my freakish and hellish stories.... ! I just don't fit in around these parts, i am too far gone, me thinks!

Thanks anyhoo and have a nice weekend!

oh come on now....
you're not too far gone.......

the fact that you are smart enough to question the status quo is huge...............

don't go belly up yet........
you got some cute kiddies there that are depending on you...

besides....

pep and I aren't done with you........ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

blessings gio...you are living with the bizarre and it is becoming familiar and normal to you.....
that's what happens to all of us...

it insidiously becomes us...
survival even...

but you can get through this...

blessings to you...

ARK

Gio, you don't have to run off. There are many of us (unfortunately)that have tolerated way more than we should have. Coming here gives you an honest perspective from others.

You fit in just fine ... but when someone has additional issues that go beyond what an MB message board can offer .... I just say so ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We can help with ideas and other stuff ... but your M has some long term issues that really could use a pro.

If $$$ is a big impediment, call your city's social services and ask where sliding scale help is available. Some churches offer low cost help. Some bigger cities have universities where there are training programs for therapists, and they take people for FREE and you see a student under supervision of a teacher-therapist professional.

be creative ... help is available ... you just need to knock on doors until you find it.