Hello folks, My wife and I are seperating this weekend after 11 years of marriage. She has been unhappy for a while - forever if you ask her now. We tried to go to a MC but she wanted no part in it because he didn't beleive that the marriage was over or wouldn't accept that a marriage can't be revived. It also turns out that there is OM who is also married - he lives very far away but they talk on phone/e mail (exchange photos etc)and she plans to meet up with him next month on a business trip (she doesn't know how much research I've done) however I chased, begged all the usual stuff but am now at a loss. I still love my wife, my three children - but what should I do?????

First off, welcome to Marriage Builders. Please take a moment to read through the basic concepts and ensure that you are doing a Plan A with no Love Busting, Disrespectful Judgements, and Angry outbursts.

Your next step is going to be Exposure. Exposure is an extremely effective tool to ending affairs that thrive on secrecy. It's not to be done with anger. Expose to her family. Expose to her boss if it's a business client. Expose to OM's wife. Expose. Expose. Expose. When you do this you do it all at once, so take some time to make the plan before doing it.....

PS... Are you moving out of the family home? If so, DO NOT DO SO WITHOUT CONSULTING WITH AN ATTY.... As a matter of fact, I would personally recommend not seperating at all.

If you've got some time read through a thread by Gramn... Yes it's long but thus far it's a great story of the marriage builder principle in action......

I have gone to a lawyer and she tells me not to move out..but I can't take all this stuff going on behind my back, she tells me that it is a friendship thing and nothing could happen because he lives so far away etc. but I used to check the computer (she has since put a password protect on it) I think its unhealthy to live this way - for me and the children. She is so cold to me - we have slept in different rooms for months. Funny we communicate more now than ever before in the past and the other nite she said we get along better now than in a long time - but she is still pining for this guy. I did tell her folks about this guy but she denied it and said that even if there was someone else she would still be pursueing a seperation because she is so unhappy and has been for a long time. About the other guys wife...How the ****** would I make that call..Hi this is blank I thought you should know that your husband...blah blah blah

That is exactly how you would make that call.

The stuff she says about being unhappy for a long time is just regular WS babble.

The previous posters are absolutely correct. You must expose to the OM's wife and offer to send texts of the email messages to her if you have them. If you do not do this then you are enabling him to continue the affair without any consequences. When you expose this to his wife it will be more likely that the OM will cut off communications and his wife will watch him like a hawk. Do not be afraid to look foolish because it must be done or you are really sending a message to your wife to go and meet with this guy and screw his brains out.
You need to stand up and fight and that means expose to his wife. Do it immediately. I wish you luck.

I worry that if I make that call then his wife would boot his but out the door - therefore allowing this thing to flourish - I have read that these things taper off - but its been going on since March/05 (too long for me) she even flew to Shreveport to see him (told me it was somthing else - but I knew). My sister says I shouldn't call because the wife is an innocent victim in all of this and that I will be hurting her and their children - like my own have been hurt - the hardest thing I have ever done was to tell my three children that our family was breaking up (S9, S7, D5). She showed absolutly no emotion at all during the whole discussion w/ children - no comforting Hugs or words - she told them everything would be the same. I think shes dreaming - but my parents divorced when I was young hers didn't.

Everyone feels just like you do about exposure. But that is the FASTEST way to end the affair.

And your wife will be furious - they all are.

Chances are good that he will end the affair and stay with his wife.

Exposure is a leap of faith. She may kick him out. But then maybe he will dump your WW just to try and get back with his wife. More likely than not his wife and him will just fight and try to work things out. Either way there is a good chance OM will break things off with your wife. At the very least you will have cracked their secret affair bubble. Affairs thrive in secrecy. With exposure comes real world complications.

Do not be afraid. You can not recover your marriage until the affair is busted up. Exposure is your most powerful tool to accomplish this. The only guarantee I can give you is that if you continue to do nothing than nothing will change. Sure many affairs die out after 2 years on average, but I don't see you waiting around that long. So I encourage you to speed up the breakup process any way you can.

BTW, OM's wife has already been hurt by OM's choices and has a right to know the situation befallen her family. Your sister is mistaken.

ACT OUT

Hello again,

Your sister is so wrong. First, if the roles were reversed wouldn't you wish to be informed or be kept in the dark that your spouse was screwing around on you behind your back?
Second, the wife has the absolutely right to know to protect herself now and in the future and to protect herself from any potential STD's.
Third, you will not be hurting her at all since it is the actions of her philandering husband that has caused her pain.
Fourth, it is up to her to decide how she wishes to live her life as to whether she wishes to stay with him. Keeping her in the dark is not a kindness to her but an insult.
Fifth, it is much more likely that she will not kick him out because of the economic ramifications of the situations and more likely he will drop your wife.
Sixth, by not doing anything you are enabling the affair to continue and become stronger which may lead him to leave the wife anyway. What he would have to pay for child support would be huge.

The bottom line is that exposing the affair to the OM's wife is correct in a moral sense and a practical sense for all concern. No consequences to their actions equals no motivation to change. I wish you luck.

Has anyone else ever called the other spouse - what did you do / say - what if the OP answers the phone? How/what/when.
I don't want to drive my wife away even further - I've tried so hard these past few months to be a loving husband/father/friend! I'm just completely frustrated that she is so cold/clinical about all of this - WHY can't she see the same future?

Lots of people have called the other spouse.

I went to the home of the OW. In fact, she answered the door. I asked to speak to her husband. He came to the door and I asked him if he had a minute. Then we stepped outside, and I let him know what had been going on while he was fighting in Iraq.

Your wife won't see anything while the affair is going on.

well believer - did the affair stop?

No it didn't. But my situation is MUCH different than yours. For one thing, I didn't do a Plan A at all. I booted him out on D-day. Then I tried a very poor Plan B.

Also I didn't find this site until 4 months after D-day. By that time, I had done lots and lots of LBs. Plus my WH's OW is 20 years younger than we are. She abandoned her husband and daughter to devote herself fulltime to my husband.

There were a couple times where he wanted to come back, but to tell you the truth, I was so angry from the months of his lies, that I didn't care anymore.

Thank you for your honesty - I however have done many things wrong and probably continue to do so. I said I was leaving - probably not wise - but its somthing I feel I have to do for my sense of well being. Will it get me closer to saving my marriage? I don't know but I'm not getting any closer with my present course of action. She beleives that her/childrens life will go on without disruption or without ill effects - she told me she wasn't focusing on the short term pain rather on the BIG picture!

I am not an expert, but I do not think you should leave. I think you should stay and fight for your marriage. Please call the OM wife. That is the wisest thing to do to stop the affair.

This is very, very hard and painful but you will get through this. Please continue to post here. You are not alone.

Carnation

"She beleives that her/childrens life will go on without disruption or without ill effects - she told me she wasn't focusing on the short term pain rather on the BIG picture! "

This is nothing but fog-talk. She sounds just like they ALL do. Please don't leave your home. That would be a big mistake. Expose the affair.

You are young and have children in the home. Your wife will be back.

Well - I just tried to call...but HE answered the phone..so I didn't say anything - I just hung up. Probably should have asked for her but didn't know what to say if he asked who it was? I guess I'm a chicken.

Lot's of people here are chicken at first. Call again tomorrow, or when you think he might not be home. Good for you for trying though. Stick with us, we will get you through this.

Hey should I call back and if he asks whose calling - just tell him?