Faith~~

I think it's great! I think that's what I need exactly.
To start as friends, slow, and then at some point, "the wow" come into play.

I have talked about that exact thing with Fishy! [I think he initiated it, but I agreed] To build a solid foundation first, and then for the "other" to follow.
It seems like the relationship would/could be so much stronger for it to build from friendship up!

As far as "the guy" is concerned. Any particulars as to why he has never married yet? I don't think its a awful thing really. Was he concentrating on schooling, a career? If so, then that's commendable. Now, there also is something to be said about the guys that make better friends to women than to ever marry one, and that is where you need to look deeper. [j/k]

And how about you and these dates? You go girl!!

BG~~
I left my heart at home on the two dates with the guy I'm speaking of. However, I tend to feel a lot for others too, and it was then that my heart hurt in this case. When he was trying to win me over, and I didn't have the same type of feelings, it really bothered me.

K!

I to am seeing someone who's never been married, no kids...blah blah blah...he's 44 years old..he has a solid career doing something he loves, he recently (it ended a year ago) lived with someone for 4 years and now he lives with his cat. He's everything I'm not used to...very brainy, computer guru, professional classical musician, tall, skinny, and like i said..never married, no kids...We spent the weekend together and had great quality time but I'm still sensing some red flags with him..ie he's looking online at dating sites..but so am I so I can't get upset for that, i am usually the one to suggest we do something, if i don't connect up with him online for a few days because of our schedules or if purposely don't leave him an offline message on yahoo for a few days to test him (yes i know that's bad on my part) he'll leave me a little something..so I know he's thinking about me but still he's yet to LATELY suggest getting together without me saying something first, and the one that really boggles me is we laugh, have great conversation, terrific sex but when i leave his place or he leaves my place...there is no kiss good-bye or hug or anything...what am I to make of that? and if I were to bring it up to him...what do I say without sounding pushy? We have been dating for 6 weeks. He's been here to my place 3 times and me to his 2 times and this last time he told me where the key to his house was so I could let myself in while he was still working.

Is he just not that into me or am I over analyzing as usual????

*sigh*

Men are like water. We tend to take the path of least resistance. If we don't have to work very hard to get what we want out of a relationship (most often SF), then we're not going to do the extra stuff.

If you want more than what you are getting, then it is up to you to ensure he knows what ENs you want fulfilled. If you tell him and he still doesn't do it, then you have to choose if you want to stick it out and be shortchanged or move on.

How do I do that without coming off as being pushy though?

Thus... a valid issue re: the honesty thread I started today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> what to say/not to say.

Make it an open honest communication of what it is that you want. If you're not satisfied, tell him you're not satisfied. If you would like for him to do something, say, "this is what I like". Explain to him that it has to be give and take for the relationship to work. If he's smart, he'll understand that.

M tells me we're supposed to have a 5 to 1 relationship. I'm supposed to do 5 things for her to her 1 thing for me. Most of the time I know she's kidding, but sometimes I wonder. I've explained to her that in order for this to work it has to be a 1 to 1 relationship. She knows that, but she likes to give me a hard time anyway.

"It seems like the relationship would/could be so much stronger for it to build from friendship up!"

You can take this to the bank, Karona.

AGG, I do not think you are over-analyzing at all! I am seeing your red flags, too. I suspect "booty call" mentality here, especially if he's letting you make all the "let's get together" moves. Ditto on the showing you where the spare key is so you can let yourself in while he is still working. Pleeese! What are you a concubine that you don't deserve enough respect for him to actually be home when you arrive for a romp? And. you are OK to do the nasty with, but not to give an affectionate goodbye kiss when you part?

I have to be honest with you. Men are different from women. If a man gets to be 44 years old and has never been married, there is little chance that he ever will. Some men have no interest whatsoever in marriage. If all you want from this relationship is good sex and companionship, you'll be OK. But if you want/need more, you need to shake the bushes again to see what else falls out.

Don't be pushy. Simply let him be the one to call you to make the next date. It may take him awhile, and he will probably want to know why he hasn't heard from you. Tell him point blank that you aren't in this thing alone and you need more active participation on his part. Let that be his one and only warning that you require a two-way, engaged relationship. Read the last line of your own sig line again. Also, try foregoing sex the next time the two of you are alone at either place. See what kind of reaction that gets.

Which is why I decided I needed to get more advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alluring,

I have a big problem with this.

If I were having SF with a guy, there darn sure would be a hug and a kiss, [and preferably, also one on my forehead] when I walked out the door.
I don't think that's asking for too much.

I don't like what I'm reading. I don't know this man, or many men is this regard, but I feel he is dead wrong!

I think you should exactly what has been said. I'm not into playing games, but, this is a time to hold your own. When he asks whats up? Then maybe it's time to say, something has been bothering me.........tell him this doesn't make you feel too good.

Whew, this has me a bit heated.

K!

Ditto on the showing you where the spare key is so you can let yourself in while he is still working. Pleeese! What are you a concubine that you don't deserve enough respect for him to actually be home when you arrive for a romp?

We live an hour apart...he wasn't going to get home until 11:30 pm and I don't like driving in the dark.

And. you are OK to do the nasty with, but not to give an affectionate goodbye kiss when you part?

I know...but am I just as much to blame for not taking the initiative and planting one on him myself when I left??

If a man gets to be 44 years old and has never been married, there is little chance that he ever will. Some men have no interest whatsoever in marriage.

That's so depressing!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

you need to shake the bushes again to see what else falls out.

This made me giggle...I'll be a shakin fool...lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Simply let him be the one to call you to make the next date.

He is coming down Friday night but it was still up in the air whether he was staying the night

It may take him awhile, and he will probably want to know why he hasn't heard from you. Tell him point blank that you aren't in this thing alone and you need more active participation on his part. Let that be his one and only warning that you require a two-way, engaged relationship.

I will definately do this next time IF we don't have some sort of talk when he is here Friday night.

Read the last line of your own sig line again.

Okay that was a major wake up call!! Thank you!!!!

Also, try foregoing sex the next time the two of you are alone at either place. See what kind of reaction that gets.

I don't know if I can do this one.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Anxious to get responses..Thanks!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Karona...Out of 5 times this is the 2nd time this has happened...and like I said to Check am I just as much to blame because I didn't make the advance either???

Big...thanks...I'm not one for saying what my EN's are...they never mattered to the ex...it's a hard habit to break into if you know what I mean

I'm still fired up a tad.

Okay, lets assume he is not Mr.Search out the soft side, but come on, not even a hug on two occasions??

I understand what you are saying, your x didn't appreciate that you had needs, and you gave up expressing. But, you are starting a new life and your needs are worth having fulfilled.

If this guy is great in all the other areas, wonderful, but lets get him to work a bit on your EN's.

I'm not reading here that you were expecting flowers,[might have been a nice touch though] gifts....
a hug or a kiss is pretty simple.

K!

Yes it is... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Alluring,

I feel like I need to say I'm sorry here.

I shouldn't have gotten so excited about this.

Intimacy is special to me though, and I think there should be tenderness that goes along with it, for the woman, as well as the man.

Anyway, I'm sorry, and know that I meant it in a good way towards you.

K!

I'm butting in here:

K: Please don't apologize for your passion! It is an endearing quality that is long lost in this politically-correct world. Embrace it for it fits you well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

FR

Ah Thanks Fish, but, I do feel the need to say I'm sorry.
It wasn't my place to say so much.

As I said, intimacy is important to me and I have my own feelings regarding it. I need to remember that, that they are my own.

I think I was fired up from something else that happened earlier, and my feelings spilled over onto this.

Thanks again Fish, and again, I'm sorry to you if I offended you in anyway Alluring.

K!

OMG Karona...there was no way I was offended at all...I completely understand what you were/are saying and I agree with you! Yes he should have but I also feel I could have too...ya know...the ole 50/50 thing..LOL

Please don't feel the need to apologize to me...I am totally okay with your words, thoughts and feelings hon!!:)

Hopefully I can use what's been shared here and can get the courage up to approach him with my EN's. It's territory I haven't tread on in a long long time. Is 6 weeks too early to ask for mine AND his EN's to be met??

This dating world sucks!! LOL

Alluring

I think we could still be grieiving? Maybe that is more sense.

You bounce through the stages of grief as we all know on this board especially.

And it does take years to properly do so..

And when it is combined with say...PMS (like right now for me as an example), it is heck!

It is scary.

Sometimes I think the special part of me that had the ability to love, to commit, to cherish, has been sucked out of me...and all that is there is love for my son, friends, and family.

I feel almost doa in the romantic love department hon.

Have almost completely realized that I may be still bouncing along at the end of the grieving process...although another former MB'er and buddy of mine, still does and he got d'd even before I did. He says it is something we unfortunately bear the burden of living with...

But it is better to live with this than unimaginable guilt or unrealized guilt as a ws has to deal with...someday...if not not...but definitely they will someday.

praying for you girl and for us here to let the sun shine in once more!

I'm thankful for that Alluring, and Thank You!

It is important for things to be 50/50, but, as the man here, I do feel he should have reached out. Enough said.

As far as asking for your needs to be bet? Assuming that this relationship has potential being that intimacy is being shared, I would think that its time for needs to be discussed.

If there were no intimacy, I would probably be still feeling it out.

Yeah, I agree about the dating. While I'm very inexperienced in it, its not at all where I wanted to be at this point of my life.
I do try to stay positive though.
My x really loved other women, that really bothered me.
So, I do feel that I was being spared, and that there is a bigger plan for me. I just have to be patient.

Good luck with this man, stay close and keep us posted, and again, Thank you!
K!

Hey Peach!

Hmmm, interesting, not sure. [at this point I mean]
I know that while I was with bf, I would bet the farm on that I had some of those issues.
In the past couple months, I have been feeling differently about it. Starting to believe there are reasons, and better things lying ahead.

No doubt though, it is a long process, and there are no short cuts.

Oh, and I do know what you mean by having certain emotions sucked out of you.
I have an incredible amount of love for my girls, it practially oozes out of me. I found when it came to the xbf, there were times when I could feel it, and times I couldn't grab it if it were right in front of me. I knew that I had issues to work on, and my being with him was unfair, thus my yo-yoing.


"But it is better to live with this than unimaginable guilt or unrealized guilt as a ws has to deal with...someday...if not not...but definitely they will someday."

Isn't that the truth. While I know I could have always done better, I do not have the guilt your talking about here.
I never ever thought I would be able to say this, but I have in the past 4-6 months. I do feel bad for my x. He has lost so much in life, but even more than that, he seems to be losing himself.

praying for you girl and for us here to let the sun shine in once more! "

Thanks Peach! And the same back to you, and all here!

K!