My WH had an EA (which included touching and kissing) about a month and a half ago with a co-worker. The co-worker was only here temp. and has now returned to her home state. So I don't have to worry about them having phsyical contact.
I am having the typical feeling's of depression and I often want my WH to comfort me with reassurance and understanding.
WH say's he is having a hard time doing that because he has been hurt by me before the EA. I have hurt him by talking down to him, not respecting him and our love was damaged. I have accepted full responsiblity for the things I have done to cause problems in our M. I have told him I am prepared to do whatever it takes to be there for him and make chanages. He is having a hard time believing me and that things will actually change.
I think this is making it harder to heal because there are two people that are hurt by one another, both needing each other to help them heal.
Just last night I was feeling very emotional and depressed about the A so i wanted to talk to him. I started to talk about what I was feeling and he just thought I was twisting things around and got aggreviated. he said I use to do the same thing in our M before. I do not feel that I do I feel that I may see things differently about the A than he does. I do think about it all the time and my fears are what he is thinking I am twisting around. So if I say "I'm afraid you are looking at me and thinking I'm so negative and depressed and then you compare me to her because she is happy and positive" he thinks I am just thinking for him when he never really said that at all. I realize that he didn't actually say that but I am afraid he may think that at times. This kind of talking just makes him mad.
I guess I just want him to reassure me that this is not happening.
I don't now how to handel these situations. I feel that I need to talk about these things, but he has been emotionally burned by me. He doesn't feel real close right now and giving.
Should there be a sacrifice made on both our parts?
Should I not talk about these feelings until he's ready?
Will he ever be ready?
How can I start to help him heal when I still feel too hurt?
Does he need to put his feelings aside and comfort me and reassure me? Do I need to do the same?
I feel that we may never get anywhere because we are both hurt. Does it just take time?

In my ~opinion~ ... this was a PA as well as an EA.

My H first would only own up to "touching and kissing, but no tongues"

then tongues

then touching fully clothed above the waist only

then touching fully clothed below the waist too

then .... touching only half naked but only one time

you get the idea

they had sex, and lots of it

My opinion .... your H is stiff and strange around you because he is still withholding secrets about his affair .... afraid that if you know the entire truth, how much you will be hurt/angry/maybe leave him.

GET COUNSELING ASAP ... and eventually the counselor (if a good one) will pull out the actual painful truth like a dentist extracts an infected painful tooth

I have a question.....'
What if the H doesn't want to go to councelling?
What if the H is adamant that nothing else happened?
The reason I am asking is because I am in the same position.
My H will not let me meet his EN because "I didn't do it before, so why am I doing it now?".

Do I believe that my H was physical with the OW...****** YES!!!
BUT he will not admit it.
I think he is scared I will flip out.
It will prove him to be a liar, and not the nice guy he thinks he is.
Right now I am doing plan "A".
Emotionally I am not sure I am ready to hear all of the details.
I want to keep working on me, I want him to see that I am not the same person I was before.
I am hoping that with time we can both begin to trust each other, maybe then I will be able to handle the details.

Assume the worst. Hope for the best.