LOL, Mr. Wondering!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

IMHO.... GO WILD!!!!!!<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Be well,

Hey now - us Canadians got better teams than the leafs...the Oilers are making their comeback <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Western Canada rocks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Shaden:

What I quoted above says alot about you and your "station". I think you are further along mentally and emotionally on this path than you think.

You appear well grounded, you have pretty good insight and you are heading in the right direction. It is tough to want to control the things that we can't, and Lord knows I still try to find ways to still do this. Each day will probably get easier for you (hopefully).

I just wanted to shout out some encouragement for you in your recovery of your life and hopefully marriage.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

sigh............I have should have known. He has that Canadian "politeness" problem. No wonder he is so horrified at this Texan! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Yes, Mr. Wondering, I am a Leaf's fan... however, to my dismay, my younger son was wearing a Red Wings jersey at practices this year, and even worse, my older son was wearing a Senators jersey... I don't know where they got them from.

Dorry... other than being a Leaf's fan (my father was a huge fan so I just fell along)... I agree about the west. I am living in the central (Winnipeg), but spent 5 years out west in Victoria... Western Canada is the most beautiful place you could find (without having to worry about earthquakes or hurricanes).

Harmonie... the Wild??? I guess it's better than the North Stars <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lemonman... thanks for the encouragement.

Most of the time I feel I can beat this from my end of things... I'm just waiting for my W to kick in fully from her end... we were just talking a few minutes ago (until my son needed help with his math) and it was a positive conversation. I almost LB'd because she told me her sister went to see OM today to tell him what she thought and return $100 that he had given my W... I was going to do that on the weekend and she beat me to it... again I started to get angry that her family was interfering... but I quickly stopped... her sister has the right to express her own feelings to him... and any help can't hurt.

Shaden

yep... we Canucks know how to be polite... I am often the peacemaker in situations. But I didn't get to where I am in the company on politeness alone. Quiet Confidence I call it. For some reason, I just don't have it with my W enough of the time.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Shaden

UVA... I missed your post... thanks for your encouragement as well... and your direct advice last night. Have you been hanging around Melody???

Shaden

**the Wild??? I guess it's better than the North Stars**

Hey! I skated with the North Stars during a promo thing! Dennis Hexdahl taught me how to pass the puck! LOL!

***again I started to get angry that her family was interfering... but I quickly stopped... her sister has the right to express her own feelings to him... and any help can't hurt.*****
You are right there... Once the A is outed to family, there are a lot more people who are hurt by it. It can shake things up inside their own hearts & lives.
In a way, you a lucky you have extra people pulling for you guys there.
Both My family and H's family are staying away from this like a plague. Except my dad did stop by on day 4 to talk to my H. H was so touched because his own father wouldn't have and hasn't ever reached out to him the way my dad did.

Keep your patience and faith and those L|B'S!!Plan A is in full force.

Be Well,

Here's to hoping that her family will drive her nuts talking about the affair and offering advice and you can calmly step into the "safe" person to communicate with. You now can become the only person not giving her crap.

You can offer her a hand by indicating these are your problems which should only be addressed and handled by the two of you. You want them out of your business anyway but what if you could make it her idea.

Mr. Wondering

Hi Shaden,

Mel is the best. You are in good hands with Mel and Mr. WW. My advices are superfluous at this point. These two will guide you in the right direction. They are very wise.

I will keep up with your sitch though.

UVA, thanks much. I really loved that post, you hit the nail on the head!

Wouldn't you agree that Canadians are too damn polite? And Kansans, too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

In my little talk with my W tonight, she asked if I was angry tonight... I said no, that I had a good day... but my body language showed a little different... she knew. I just said that it's hard with her family around every corner... every time I come home one of them is here or she is on the phone with one.

I said that both her older S and her Mom said they believe I won't get past this...i.e. their daughter/sister will have a miserable life if she stays with me.
She said she knows they said that. I didn't ask at this time if she believes the same.
I said I was concerned that she was getting most of her counsel from them and they believe this... she said that she is NOT listening to everything they say... and they are not doing a lot of counselling... just being there for her. The best part... She said she knows that her Mom and her Sister are the last two people she should hear advice on relationships!!! Her Mom did not cope with will her problems and it showed in the results. Her sister had one D and is looking at a 2nd.

She did say they would back off if she asked them... she just needs them right now. I left it at that for now.

Tonight is going well so far... I went out with my younger son to get some pralines & cream ice cream for my W... she was having a "craving"... and no she's not pregnant.

Shaden

Just an update.

My weekend was very good. My W was talking much more about R, and no longer defended OM. I believe the spell is now broken as she is quite disgusted and angry with him and sees him as the liar and cheat that he is. I am conscious of the fact, though, that she is angry for how he has hurt her... and it is possible for her to forgive him and they get back together.

But now that he is working to save his own M, I believe that we are past the greatest risk of this happening.

We went to a new church for the first time and we cooked a "Sunday dinner" for the first time in a while.

R conversation was promising... I even said at one point that I think we should stop talking... that it was too much for me... the first time I have ended the conversation.

When I commented that maybe my steady, dependable personality was not helping her depression... that she needed more excitement around her... she commented back that she knows what type of personality is not what she needs... the personality of OM. He is a carsalesman and she now thinks he lies about everything he does.

I did get a lot more triggers this weekend... more than I have for a while, but I controlled them and refused to give into them. I did not want my emotional triggers to ruin what was a pretty good weekend.

There was much more that was said and done which showed to be positive for our future, but too much to get into here.

Just thought I'd say thanks again for all the support.

Her family and my W is still angry with me for exposing... but they'll get over it.

I, once again, have a lot of hope for the future. (as the roller coaster works its way back up the track prior to another drop??? hopefully no big drops, just a leveling out).

Shaden

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sounds like you are turning the corner. Be careful though as she likely will hold on to her rationalizations and justifications a bit longer. Your Plan A actions must maintain their consistency or she will call you on it by saying "see, I told you once I came back you'd go back to your old ways". Just continue to ignore this fog babble and continue on.

Have patience and maybe try to get her to finally start to read about affairs. She needs to eventually start working on herself and understanding the nature of the situation she found herself in. Then she can process her guilt and finally become repentent.

Again, you do not have to forgive her just yet. You just work toward acceptance before forgiveness.

Mr. Wondering

"Sounds like you are turning the corner."

I believe my W may have turned a corner, but the last few days my triggers have been stronger and more frequent than I've had in a little while.

It was a good weekend in that my W seemed to be very caring and communicative, but I am still having a lot of questions about why I am here. I try and support her emotionally as she is still depressed, and try to compliment her, but my heart is just not in it. I don't really understand... I know that I love her and I don't want the M to end, but I feel so drained, sad, and lonely.

I had a theory about some of her feelings that I shared with her. About a week ago we were talking about how upset she was to have to change churches. I said that about a year ago we were looking at doing that anyway... we weren't happy with the church, but we decided to give one last attempt and get back involved with ministry. Her response was now that she knows she can't be there, now she really wants to be.

This prompted me to think about when I first met my W. I was 15 and she 13. She started to like me almost immediately and for 4 years, she wanted to date me. We almost started dating once, but she was so serious... quoting scripture and stating that God brought us together... too serious for a teenager who just wanted to date. After a year away at University, I returned home and we finally started dating... and was married. She had dated other guys during the 4 years, but always wished she could be with me.

I wonder if the same theory about church held true with her feelings for me. I wasn't consciously playing "hard to get"... but the fact that she couldn't "have" me, made me that much more appealing as a teenager. Then, after marrying me, the mystery was gone... she had me and there was no more challenge.
When I said this to her, she just asked me if there was an off switch on my mind... I was always thinking too much. She didn't confirm or deny or comment.

This theory scares me, because if there is any truth to it, then the logical way for her feelings to return is for me to leave her. But if that is true, then the maturity and strength of those feelings are shallow and based on a foundation of love that I don't want any part of. This is along the same thinking of tough love by Dr. Dobson... move away and they will return towards you... but the idea that my future M and happiness be tied to emotional games such as this just seems way too tiresome and immature. For me, it doesn't matter how much time I am with my W, I want to be with her more... maybe that is unhealthy as well, but I just want to know every part of her.

A very large part of me right now thinks that if I didn't have my two sons to think about, that I would be gone. Then the rest of me feels very disappointed in this... that I would give up so soon... if I did, then what does that say about my level of love... and my commitment to grow as a person?

I just pray that the feelings return for both of us.

Shaden

Last night I was unpacking a box from our move and came across a pile of cards (birthday, valentines, etc.) from my W. I read some of them and the tears came. I threw them away because all the words seem to be just a lie... not because of the A... that was a few months of our 14 years of M... but because she has said that she doubted her love and connection with me since the beginning of the M. How can she say that and write all the "promises of love forever" and the "thankyou for being the husband she dreamed of", and a lot of other flattering lies like that? I don't think I can look at them again and not be angry.

Can someone who is further along this process comment... am I making a huge mistake throwing them out?

Shaden

Shaden, that box represents the truth; what your W said represents a lie that is a direct result of an addictive affair. You can see with your own eyes that her words were not true. She has loved you all these years. But in mind right now, she must make herself rewrite history in order to justify the unjustifiable. How else could she justify this but by lying to herself? It is a common trait of an affairee. I am sorry you threw the box away because the box respresented the truth, rather than her fogged out words designed to accommodate her affair.

Melody...

The box is still in the garage waiting for garbage day... not until Friday, so I can still go and retrieve it... which is why I asked if this is a mistake.

I put it out there right away as I didn't want my W to see them and think I was doing it to hurt her... I just don't like how I feel when I see them.

This isn't the first time I heard this... 5 years ago as well when she started an EA. I made so many changes over that time... doted on her daily... I just find it hard to know what she wants and needs... which is why I believe that she never really did love me... that it was all lies.

I came home from work today... a snow day... we are having a snow storm. We were outside shoveling and she had really messy hair, but still was the most beautiful woman I could ever imagine looking at (atleast in my eyes). This is how I know I still love her... and she tells me she loves me, but as someone else said on this site... actions speak louder than words.

I have to keep looking at this from the bigger picture, not on a daily basis... but that is so difficult to do when you don't even know if the past was real or not.

Shaden

OMW called today to ask some more questions. I answered as best as I could and this time cautioned her that her H, IMO, is not telling her the truth (that is a leap of faith that my W is now telling me some truth). He immediately was answering her questions... even sat at her work for 5 hours yesterday (1 week after their DDay) when he was supposed to be at work... and said he would until she was ready to trust him. I don't know if this is great for her... or he just wants to rush the recovery... he is in for a big surprise.

The call prompted another discussion with my W and I... very promising and informative. She finally said that she knows she has to answer my questions... that it will help and we need to find some time, even if it means going away, where we can talk without being interupted. I am still triggering badly... but I realize this is part of the process... as long as I can see gradual improvement.

I was triggering during some intimate time, but I refuse to acknowledge the triggers during that time... I will not let that special time turn into a negative perspective for either my W or I. Any thoughts on how to deal with these triggers... or is just time going to cure?

Shaden