Harmonie,

When I spoke to OM and OMW about going on Christmas Eve, he said that he would be afraid of a scene. I thought he was talking about OMW. Now, my W and I think he might have been afraid of my W making a scene to tell him off for the lies he is saying about her.

My W would like to tell him off, but she also wants to ignore him... doesn't want him to think that she even cares about what he thinks anymore. She says she doesn't care... just doesn't want him spreading all the lies to our friends. She took the "high road" (if there is such a thing in these situations) by not lying about her role or about him. She did not put any blame on him... but accepted it as a joint problem. She didn't want to talk about it very much early on because she didn't want to lie, and didn't want to hurt me more. (Probably some of the fog was also there as well).

Things are going well... atleast the last couple of days. Every time I say that, things go bad... but each time the way back up is easier and quicker.

Talk to you again soon.

Shaden

Update.

Early in my marriage, I used to be extreme in my reactions to daily ups and downs. When things were going well, I was on the top of the mountain, and when a problem came, I quickly started to think... this marriage is a mistake... I don't know why I'm here, it won't work out.

Over time, I learned to not judge my marriage, life or my Wife during the worst or best of times... they were just normal cycles and learning curves.

Now, I'm back to how I was when we first married. When I sense tension, depression, or withdrawal from my W, I immediately go to a place in my mind that is convincing me this fight is not worth it... our R will never improve, my W will never "give" into the M, I should leave.

I am battling to control this. Now that I've recognized what's happening, it is getting easier. Just yesterday, I started down that road. After a while of feeding on the anger and resentment, I forced myself to stop feeding. It wasn't long after that my W apologized for something and, of course, I felt like I was on top of the mountain again.

I see that I have a ways to go before I have conquered my issues with co-dependency. If I can allow my own moods and feelings to be so extreme simply based upon my W's feelings or actions, then I am still in a place where I am living in fear and relying on others to "make" me happy.

Any suggestions out there as to how to move past this? When I stop and think about it, I know that I am a valuable, special, loved person all on my own. I know that I can gain strength through faith. I know that this confidence in myself is what can be attractive to people and the co-dependency is what made me unattractive to my W. I "know" all of this... but making real, lasting change and living it consistently has been difficult.

Shaden

Dang Shaden,
I could have wrote that last post myself! I do the exact same things! Whe H is Happy or treating every one well, I am on top of the world. As soon as he goes dark, I panic, if he has an outburst, I think WTH am I doing here?
H and I have always heard & said "You are the only one who can MAKE yourself be ________ (insert emotion).....
However, I pointed out to him the other day when he had brought me some flowers and the chap sticks how happy HE MADE ME..... I said "do you want to deny taking credit for that?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> He stammered a bit and realised I had a valid point.
Yes, we are supposed to be the ones in control ofour emotions. But I strongly believe we ARE affected by others and no amount of "control" is going to change us... it is not natural to walk around with a perma grin saying everything is just peachy even though something some one just did hurt you to the core. How we own the emotion and deal with it is up to us, but others DO affect us.

I always go into a reactive panic mode, feeling like things are over or why the "h" do I bother, I fear he will want to leave if I show one angry or deprssed feeling or thought. I personalize so much of what others around me are feeling. I am just now learning how un healthy that is.
It takes alot to be able to step back and reflect on whether or not this something that is valid or an overblown reaction to a situation.

Co-dependency IS a real thing. It is a personality thing, too, I believe. Have you ever read the book "Co-Depndent No More" ? It does a great job of defining these issues.

Talk to ya later,

"Looking for strength"... I think I've found it.

Throughout the months just prior to DDay and after, I kept reading, hearing, and seeing the word "patience". I know that this was a valuable lesson that I had to learn... to be able to have faith and be patient... to know that the Lord is with me and that I will be well throughout these challenges being faced. I remember one day feeling very distraught and crying to God for answers... I got it. The word "Patience" exploded in my mind like a huge lit up sign out of nowhere. I would go for a bike ride and see the word on a mobile sign in front of a church. I would open up the Bible and there it was. I bought a chain that says simply, "love is patient".

Much has happened since I last posted. It has been weeks since I felt anger or resentment... now it is more sadness, curiosity, and excitement for the future.

My W has been and is awesome. We are getting stronger and closer each day and both of us are working on our conflict avoidance issues. We are both able to speak our minds without fear (well, not much anyway) and know that it is a positive thing.

I have been faced with a new betrayal... the team of ladies who work with me at the office... who I confided in, has used this against me. They went to my boss in another city and claimed sexual harrassment (because I confided in them about my W and I). Throughout the investigation, it was easily decided there was no harrassment, but what came out is that they no longer respect me as a leader. I went though too long of a bad time and didn't hide it at work (it's a small office). The company now was forced with offering me a position in another city or allowing me to resign for personal reasons... with a severance package. (they couldn't fire the whole team, so the coach goes).

I am choosing to resign... after nearly 18 years with the company. What is amazing to me is the timing. If this happened a couple of months ago, it would have sent me over the edge. If it had happened a few months from now, I would have been angry and bitter, because I was just getting "my game" back... a few months of working strong and then being hit with this would have left me angry. With it happening now, I am excited and overall happy. I have some feelings of doubt or sadness, after being there so long, but many times over the years I had longed for a "push out the door" with a severance package to get me going in another direction... now I have it. The possibilities are endless... and this will give us some money for my W to go back to school like she wanted.

The greatest thing about dealing with this marriage crisis is that it finally got me off the fence in my own spiritual life. I now believe God is personal and here with us. The other day, after dropping my sons off at school, I was alone in the van and praying. I was thinking about the fact that a couple of months made such a difference... my answer to myself was "in those couple of months, I have pulled myself out of a pit"... literally 2 seconds later, I tuned into the song playing by Casting Crowns stating the words "God has brought us out of the pit". It was so weird and amazing that I can only describe it as an answer to my prayer and a reminder that I didn't pull myself out... that He pulled me out.

I met, recently with the OM and OMW. He had a letter for my W, which he wanted me to read first. This was closure for himself and his W. I think he did it simply to make his W happy and I questioned him about that, because the words did not sound like him... but maybe changes are happening there too. Anyway, he told my W he never did love her and he was happy with his M. He told her that she has a great husband and I am a better man than he'll ever be... my W agrees with this.

I occassionally come by and read, but this is the first I've posted in a while. I thought it was time I gave a little update for those who helped me out so well.

Harmonie... I miss our chats... hope you are well. Thanks, again for all the help from so many of you, in particular, Mr. W, Melody, Brandi... and many others.

So much good can come from all of the pain... and I am starting to experience it.

Happy Belated New Year to you all.

Shaden

Shaden,

You are very welcome. We all take great pride when someone comes back with a success story...be it personal and/or marital. That is always our hope when we offer our advice and experience.

I remember discussing your job with you a few months ago. You were a little bothered that OM had more money than you and because you were "stuck" in the non-profit world you were considering getting out and making more money. I remember discussing POJA'ing your career choices and maybe moving out to the public sector. Sounds like you are getting your secret wish...WITH a severance package. God works in mysterious ways. I am glad to see you look at this as an opportunity rather than a setback.

As far as the woman at the office that apparently wronged you. The best revenge is living well. You can send them all a fruitcake next Christmas and inform them all how well you are doing since leaving there and wishing them well. Of course, my curiosity would love to know the reasons they felt compelled to "report" you. I can hardly see any BH behaving as a predator. I am only guessing that you perhaps reached out for emotionally support and then back off abruptly after reading here on MB and by appropriately backing off you hurt somebody's feelings. Share if you like...I/we do not need the info as I understand your need to move on and not rehash.

Good luck to you and yours.

Mr. Wondering

Hi Mr. Wondering...

Your curiosity is ok... I don't mind sharing more... although I don't have all the answers.

There were 3 ladies in the office who I shared with.

One had not been with us for very long prior to the M problems unfolding. She didn't know me as her manager before. I admit that during the worst of the crisis, my performance sucked. My boss offered for me to take a leave... I had enough sick time for 4 or 5 months built up... but I chose to hang in there and do the best I could. We were faced with union negotiations, a strike, an opening of a new site, etc.. The new lady was holding her own without a lot of assistance from me. Around October, when I started to get my focus back, I started to ask questions and direct her in her job. After a few months of being her own boss, she didn't like it. I nearly let her go in December because of her attitude, but chose not to at that point. The HR manager from our head office said that if I had let her go, we may not be facing my leaving. I believe she was the instigator... she had sued a previous employer and won.

The second lady was the one I shared the most with. I did start feeling "vibes" from her as she was going through her own R troubles. I told her at one point that I could not share with her anymore as this is how R's get into trouble. You may be right that she didn't like it. I was upset that they claimed harrassment when it was her always coming into my office and sitting down to ask me how things were. I initiated the conversation only once or twice.

The third was the one who mattered. She was my assistant and is well respected at our head office. She is very motivated and I've known she wanted my job for a couple of years. My W warned me that by sharing with her, she will use it against me... and she did. (My W used to work in the office with us for about 3 years and knows her well). I found out that she has kept a record of every mistake I've made since she started. When the opportunity came, she pounced. I admit that I've made a lot of mistakes which I have learned from... but a lot of good has happened during my time there. We made a turn around when I was ED of about $1 million annually, bottom line. I have a style of including the team in all decisions so it can appear like I don't make decisions. This isn't true... I just believe that long term success is built on inclusion. I also motivate with praise... I built up my assistant consistently and trained her to replace me... she now believes she is ready. Because they showed that my problems went on too long, the company was backed into a corner. Move me, face a bigger law suit from me, or allow me to resign with a good package. I chose to resign.

I'm sure there is a lot more I could say about it, but this summarizes it pretty well.

The bottom line is that they have done me a favour and I'm not bitter. I am angry that they would use my personal crisis against me... I have supported each of them through personal issues... but that's life.

A fruitcake sounds like a great idea... does anyone actually like them?

My W is happy that I am leaving, and we are at peace with the decision... even though I have no idea yet what I will be doing and she is still currently not working. When I first told my W, she hugged me and said I am only going through this because of her... I said I won't blame her for my own weaknesses... I made the choice to share with those women rather than someone I knew I could trust... not to mention the unprofessionalism of bringing my personal life to work.

I told the company they were making a mistake. I've learned a huge amount about myself and people these past few months and they will miss having my best years ahead. Change can be good for us all.

take care,

shaden

{{{Shaden}}}}

I have been wondering how you have been! I am so glad to hear things are moving forward in great ways! You truely seem to be blessed with a fresh start in the world! That is awsome!
God has a strange way of doing things and it does take patience! You have to keep your eyes & ears open to see what he is doing in our lives!
My issues with Him have always been Paitience and to learn He is in control. Not me.
Just before Christmas I was given the gift of time with my H. His boss has a broken leg and can not work in the Tool room until the end of February. This has allowed my husband to work the day shift and be home every night at dinner time. We now see each other more, talk more, and parent together. H has said he didn't realise how much he missed and took for granted with us! Things like dinner together, tucking in the kids each night, and bed time with me.
He says he is more aware of the changes in me and is amazed by and likes what he sees. And I see him trying to repair the damage he had done.
I am fianlly able to believe we are in recovery, not just getting to it. There are still bumps in the road but they get smaller everyday!
I hope you are able to find a new, awesome carreer opprotunity. Something that is fullfilling and financially rewarding. What a gift that would be for the New Year! Anda New Beggining!
I do hope you stay in touch with up dates on how things are going. We have new voices here everyday that need the encouragement to know things CAN get better.... they just need to find Paitience and LEARN all they can.
Hopefully we can be of some inspiration?

Stay well!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Shaden,

So glad to hear an update from you. I too had been wondering about you and your wife. Well...you have been through alot...but how you have handled it all is a credit to you. I don't hear bitterness in you at all and that is sweet.
I am sorry those women in the office seemed to take advantage of a situation. You were in a vulnerable place in your life. You can hold your head up high Shaden.

Your update blesses me. I recently went through a really tough time. I found out in NOv. that I needed surgery. I had a mass. I was sure God was punishing me for my affair. When they opened me up it was cancer. But...Shaden God is so good. It was early stage. Ovarian cancer is usually found later stage. My prognosis is excellent. I have been recovering at home. My h took such good care of me those first few weeks. He seems somewhat distanced again. We will make it though. I know he loves me...he just has difficulty expressing himself. I am committed to him and this marriage.I will follow your model and be patient as he recovers from this rocky path that I created.
I too have found my faith through all of this.

I wish the very best for you and your wife and kids and that you both find those jobs that will be blessings to your family. Let us know how that goes. Ok?

Harmonie,
I too felt like I was given the gift of time. I haven't worked since Nov. I usually travel for business about 3x's a month. Well...since surgery...I have been home everyday for the first time in 14 years...being home to tuck my little ones in bed everynight. Recovering from surgery but home. My toddler has been so sweet helping to take care of me. Glad to hear things are better for you.

You both are inspirations!!!!Keep posting.

Blessings and take care,
Brandi <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />