I was told by my cousin that my Wh has been in this affair with vanessa for 3 years.
I thought or was told by them it just got physical in the beg of july.
This makes a big diffrence- this isnt a short term thing - this is a d*** relationship.
How can i plan a this ?
I feel like i am spinning my wheels and not making any progress.
Im still talking to him- trying to leave good feelings, talk about kids and finances- he tells me he hasnt had a chance to miss me or anything that we just broke up.
We didnt break up he got caught!
Plan A. ???????????????
Ive tried it a modified B.
I am lonely, want to move away, and i have them in my mind that at night they are in each others arms and not me.
I know not to borrow trouble......but i keep thinking of Christmas and holdiays coming up- isnt he going to want to bring her out?? meet family and i keep thinking now that when he would leave us after the gatherings he would be with her.
Help .....I am not good with this. I want my H back and i know it's patience- but he still wont leave her house and come back home. Im not the ****** wife i am a loving women who thought this would be forever.

bump up please

also we had a talk- he says tome and the kids we will always be the first priority- we come first. Then he says that he didnt realize how much i loved him until after he left. That he felt when he got caught i was just going to flick him off and make his life ******. He says he looks back and wishes he had not made the choice to get involved with her and worked on the r but felt at the time it was over for us.
I know this is all fog speak- because he hasnt ended with vanessa and come to work on us.
I dont know how to break this thing up and reflect on me.
Have I made the mistake of including him in on the kids activities.
He came to the open house and met teachers . My daughter went and got him and rode from his job there.
My 13 has a high school fair on Oct. 1st and wanted me to ask his dad to come. Its for him tosee all the high schools to select from and apply for.
He said yes he wanted to take our son.
Have I made this too easy for him not to miss us. Should I not invite him and just cold shoulder him out?
The kids miss him and I dont want to jepodize that relationship with them. They will have enopught time and see what hes doing.
He knows this also.

((((Winter))))))

You WH has said to you almost word for word what mine said to me .... If I had known you loved me this much I would have never done this. I told mine if you had only talked to me how you felt you would have known how much I loved you.

Well know they have gotten themselves in this mess and can't figure a way out. So now we just have to wait it out and see what happens.

I am no expert here but I would be thinking planb if I were you. I finally had to do it because I could not take the pain of it anymore. One day I was loved more than anything , but yet he alway went back to the OW. Then the next day it was I love you both equal. I just couldn't take it anymore.... So planb had to happen for mt to save my sanity.. And you are going to come to the realzation you will have to do this to. To save yourself and the love you still have.

Yes I am lonely and yes I want to call him. I will be honest I have even hit some low points to were I was almost willing to take what ever little crumb he would give me just to have part of him. But I realize I don't deserve just crumbs I deserve the whole cake. I am not sure were this is all going to end. I wish I did but I do know I had to save myself.

Oh I do still think way to much about it and I do obsess a lot. I guess after 24 yrs its not easy just to stop thinking about him. And yes I am still at the thought of I can't imagine my life without him or my life being with anyone else. I know in time those thoughts will go away. I do want my marriage and I am willing to wait this A out. But if it does come to the end of my marriage I know I will still be alive and can make it. And you will to....

It will get better winter.

I don't really have any advice on the Plan A/Plan B thing, sorry. As far as finding out more truths, I guess it is a common thing. On DDay, I was told it was a short-term A, with them only meeting for SF the one time. Three months later, I found out it was a LTA and I was devistated. I know how hard it can be to be dealing with one set of circumstances then to find out its worse than you ever imagined.

I am impressed how well you're doing and your devotion to your family! Have you exposed the A? How long has it been since he moved out? I would certainly support anything you can do to put more stress on their relationship, without seeming to do so. Spending time with his kids and being at your home would seem to do that.

Hopefully this will run its course soon and you will have your H back.

Winterkisses -

Hi - I too found out more truths.....WH told my BIL on D-Day that it was just a friendship thing and they only met for coffee for conversation. HA. Not so....they talk(talked) all the time, extended periods during the middle of the night while they worked. WH even met her on our 13th wedding anniversary before coming home to take me out to dinner.

Yours is a tough discovery though. 3 years instead of short term is a head spinner. I know exactly what you mean when you have the torn feeling in the pit of your stomach. You find out more info and immediatly you have this awful reaction and you can't think straight.

I don't know when D-Day was for you, but it sounds like a Plan B might be in order. I think I am heading that way myself......

Hugs!

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS, age 6
Re-exposed Sept 7th. WH has been sleeping in the other room ever since, not wearing ring.....
Married 13 years

I had talked to mimi and she seems to think this is still a plan a thing. He makes promises and breaks them. he came and got excercise bike- but said its no big deal. He says all the thinks cake eater says and then I believe him only to be hurt by the crumbs.
I have been looking for a new job and am seriously thinking of moving out of state and start over with the kids.
My grandmother is 83- my sister is flying between here and wahington for her job.
When my gmom passes- theres not much left for me here.
I love my mil and the kids love her- i will keep in touch with her and his family- they have been kind and loving- but the pain is too much and im not strong enough.
I tried and all i feel is hurt . He says im running from him and i should stay and fight for this. Hes right - i am running from him- but he didnt fight for us.

'modified' means watered down and ineffective

Plan ahead ... be prepared, and if you're going to Plan B go the full monty by the book

Test out this 'modified Plan B' thing ...

imagine this..... ---> Your husband is trying out a 'modified marriage arrangement' ....

see how crapy 'modified' is?

From my understanding and personal experience, the longer the A, the harder it is for him to end it.

It's like he's been drugging for a long time and doesn't know how to live normally.

That does not mean that his A will not end. Sounds like it will.

I agree with PEP..not a modified PLAN B..a FULL, DARK, DARK, PLAN B probably is the next step for you.

The question is when...

What has been the nature of your PLAN A?

Remind me when you first discovered the A...

What has been the nature of your marriage over the past 3 years and before? How did V. wedge her way into his life?

My FWH's A lasted more than 2 years, Winter... I've walked in your shoes...It hurts, I know...

Winter,

""He says im running from him and i should stay and fight for this.""

What in the world does he mean by that?? This is your H saying this? That is the foggiest babble I have heard since my FWW said "Are you not happy that I was getting my ENs met with OM?"

I think he wants to continue the fence sitting without having an ultimatum. So you must stay...and fight for him..or whatever...but stay!!

You must totally go dark on him. Like Pep says, it can't be a half-assed plan B, but a full blown hard ball plan B.

(Let it be known that Pep did not say half-assed) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

This is the conversation we had yesterday:

We finally talked and I do believe some truths have come out.
He said that he felt like I only had sex with him as an obligation and did not enjoy it for the last year. He said that he would ask me and i would grudgingly do this.
Me: I felt like he would never go anywhere with me or take any interst in me at all except to have sex. After that nothing.
He said that when we did talk it was an argument. (kids, finances, etc) and there was no relief.
He started staying out and lying about his whereabouts- enter vanessa- she listened to him when he felt I was the ****** wife. They would go to lunch, they
would meet. My husband had been on this job for 17 years-0 she was there for 2.
She saw him as someone having something I guess- the new cars, the money etc,)
She had an affair with his boss and the bosses cousin. She was married (seperated) .
My husband says that he made the wrong decision (now) to get involved with her, and he thought that when he got caught I would just say whatever and let him go and divorce him.
I didnt I am fighting to save our marraige. I asked him are they planning to marry, divorce, he brings her out to his family, etc.
He says NO. It is not like that type of relationship.
He says he has not met her family and they dont go around out to anyone. That I am thinking of them like our relationship.
He says that 3 mos ago he gave our relationship 20% chance of survival- now its at 45% - he says he used to say he didnt love me in that way- but that he does love me. He says he is working his way back to me.
I said how can you and you are there- he says he is trying- give him time (patience)
Im not as naive as i was.
I have started looking for a job in another state and also here.
He says Im running from him- give him a chance.
I told him how darn hard can it be to come home. That;'s when he is like if you dont want to wait dont - move on and do what you need to do- I understand. It didnt take a night to get like this and it dosent take a night to end this.
My daughter reveled to me finally-
He has talked to her and his mother.
He says he is coming home and that he loves and misses us.,
He told me Sunday for the first time in 3 mos. - that he misses his own garage and home and the kids, dogs, and me.
That he is not happy and that what i think is going on is not what it is.
I have prayed and prayed for clarity and for my marraige to be restored or if it is to end know I did all i can .

The funny thing is: He came over and saw I had painted the front door and stairs (brick red) and the house has been cleaned and changed around inside. I said I needed to get more paint for the fromt to finish and he took the paint swatches and said he would get them for us. He bought new matts for my car. He is taking my son to the high schooll fair on saturday (he asked me if it was ok) and he came to the open house at the school. Hes coming around and participating more than he was before. (for years)
The thing that i dont like is :
It seems like he is coming around (the fog) but then he goes back over to v and the next day nothing. He said yesterday-he wanted to meet for lunch- today nothing. So i came on and went to school. He's telling me where he goes and what hes doing? I asked him why didnt he do it while he was home- He said I figured you didnt care.

Am i letting him in too much- is he missing us- does he really want to come home or am i still being used?
Is this all a game?

bump up please!

He moved on july 29th.
How long was you husband gone? did you do the plan a or b or how did you get him to come back?

My story is on page 1 of cc46's PLAN B thread.

I'll check back with you tomorrow.

Dear Winterk.

I am not familiar with your story. Have you exposed to those of importance in his life? Have you exposed to those important in her life?

If not, why not? Exposure is part of plan A. And it should be done before plan B is considered.
And by the way, exposure should be done without any warning. Warning is like taking the bullets out of your gun before you pull the trigger. It leaves the tool useless. Exposure is a tool. A tool to inject some reality into fantasy land. It is a very powerful tool.

Many BS's fear exposure because of the possible anger from the WS. The anger is not a possible outcome, it is a 100% certain outcome. You just have to weather it through. It is still much better than a divorce. There are few D's from exposure, but there are lots and lots of D's from continued A's.

Besides, exposure is also a way to gain respect from the WS. When you stand firm that is. When they spew out their anger and tell you how mean you are, their hearth recognises your stand and respects you for it. The M will later benefit from it

Your WH sounds just like mine did.

Sounds like it is time for PLAN B.

Not a modified PLAN B.

TOTAL, COMPLETE DARKNESS...

No contact at all with him UNTIL HE GETS RID OF HER...

He is at the end of this A now and is trying to end it...Affairs usually last about two years...He is addicted and is finding it hard to do...

Plan B is likely to bring an end to it, IMHO..

We can help you when you are ready..

Change the heading of your thread to URGENT HELP NEEDED WITH PLAN B so that folks here can help you...

I read the story. Mimi-
is there any hope? Is all the stuff hes saying bs or what.
Im tired of the merry go round.

Winter-- I would consider anything he says while in the A, total BS. Even if it sounds true and believable. Believe me my WW has spewed a whole bunch, even with all the experts telling me it was crap, we tend to want to believe our spouses no matter the length of marriage. Even to the point of saying, their not like all the other WS's. Well I finally learned the hard way, and now it is total plan B, which is where you probably need to be.
I know from where you speak and I was totally blind sided by the A, and feel like the fool of the county. How could I be so stupid?
They will say anything to keep the line of communication open to make sure theirs a lifeline. JMHO
hang in there

She's the town bicycle... you know the joke? Everyone gets a ride...


I bet he doesnt think of her like that! Have you exposed? He'd have to be embarassed. I cant imagine him marrying the town bike, do you, from what you know of his character??

I'm with Mimi, I'd say Plan B would be most effective in this situation. This isnt some grand love, she's a wh*re (pardon me), and left completely in the dark, he'll fold. She cant possible meet his needs, but a 100% DARK B is crucial. He wont feel the burn if you give him fix, at any point.

It sounds like you need to stay in your town for your grandmother, for a while. I'd use this time to get your life in order, whatever needs to be done. Money, job, bills, school, exercise, health... use the time wisely. You'll need to be strong, wise, and healthy to deal with either a Recovery (it's really hard), or a D. Eitherway, be ready. Please take care - Dru