Here I am, sitting in the living room I shared with STBXRWH, in the house we bought together. STBX is sitting on the couch watching tv with his new GF. Get the picture?

Why don't I throw her out? She is not A-related, she came after I told H I wanted out of the M. I don't even think she knows the real reason I'm leaving. And I'm moving out tomorrow. So I prefer to pick my battles wisely - she's a nice person and it's really H who is the jerk here.

Why do I feel like the invisible woman? Because I'm sitting here at my laptop, typing this, a few feet away from H and new GF. And H is sitting there as if this all perfectly normal, after all "he needs to get on with his life" and "I was the one who wanted to leave, not him". He's acting as if I don't live here anymore, yet he feels he respects me and is being considerate.

I'm amazed. Amazed at the amount of fog a person can generate. H sees me, talks to me, but I feel the real me is invisible to him. He really has no idea of the damage he has caused. I'll fix myself but wonder if he'll hurt next GF the same way. Not my business anymore, you say? I guess not. But I'm the sort of person who cares about others, even in this very weird situation.

Invisible Woman signing off.

Even if she came after you said you wanted out, aren't you both still married? She isn't a nice person in any way.

BH, I am sorry you are in thie mess. Best you get out. She is crazy for even being in your presence.

The fog looms thick in your home. It even seems toxic.

Have you protected your finances?

Get to a safe place.

Hugz,
L.

BH,

WTF??????? are you thinking?

Orchid is right, this is crazy, toxic and did we say toxic?

No she is not a nice woman, sitting there with you and your H. Did I say WTF??????

And you are not invisible!

I wasn't even going to log on today, but this just ticked me off so bad I couldn't stand it.

weaver, is this the man you had the affair with?

BrownHair, darling, dear good hearted and Very REAL WOMAN!

YOU ARE INCREDIBLY STRONG!

WOW!

I bow down to your strength & your ability not to throw up on them.

Tomorrow........AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.......deeep sighsss of relief....

FREEDOM......AWAITS YOU....

I will reveal I worked with some very 'peculiar' people, I was fortunate I did not spend loooonnnnggg periods beyond 7days at time couped up with them. I did realise when you spend enough time with certain people, you may unknowingly begin to buy into their ideas as 'normal', when you know once you breathe again & think clearly there is NO WAY, NO HOW, their ideas even get to look at the possiblility of 'normal' not to mention healthy or anything life sustainingly good.

Geeze Brown you are Brilliant. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

What thoses eejits are indulging in is a very warped very sick very twisted sense of self happiness - they are delillusional - putting it ahemm nicely.

Brownhair their opinions and actions, whether to you seem good or bad, friendly or nasty are NOT important, they are NOT REALLY nice, thoughtful, or even humane.

Thank God you have your wits about you, you are an intelligent woman, who still shows the capacity to love & care for an abhorrent, ignoramus, who is trying slowly to batter your spirit to death like smacking you a gazillion times with a teaspoon eventually it can do damage if you don't get yourself out of the target zone, this time he has taken out a full arsenal, he just doesn't know you've got super powers, that shield of armour you wear is fantastic.

He is either so thick, that he can't see how he is NOT being normal - then he needs extensive professional treatment, as the cranial rectal surgery obviously didn't work for him - left him smeared in it believing it to be a wonderful honey pot smell. He appearantly at this moment can't tell the difference between the smell of his own excrement & cologne.

Or he simply selfishly doesn't give a damn & enjoys the smell of his own sh1t.


Brown shouldn't you be drinking champagne?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Last night in the asylum, your've been proved sane.

You are free!

You are the bright spark, well done, walk calmly & quickly to that exit & promise yourself to enjoy your life for real.

You are truly wonderful.

Stopping in admiration Ktulu. XXX

Well, I respectfully disagree with Orchid. GF is probably in a fog, would do anything to please him, and he told her it's okay. Wifey-poo doesn't mind at all. Wifey-poo's the one who wanted out. And although the sitch seems odd to her, she goes along with it.

And here lies your opportunity.

You take her into the kitchen, explain to her what's happening is very hurtful to you. You know she means well, but this is a marriage breaking up in front of her -- a marriage broken up by an OW, her predecessor. You think it's highly inappropriate. It's weird and painful.

I'll bet she thinks its inappropriate, too. I'll bet she's only going along because he told her it's okay.

This whole thing is intolerably disrespectful. Say so.

Why wouldn't the WH and the GF think this is perfectly normal and acceptable if you, yourself, acts like it is perfectly normal and acceptable? I can't tell who is in the fog here, frankly, you all seem to be in the fog to me. brownhair, you are not a victim, you are a volunteer, please own it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

No, the man I had the affair with is sitting across the lake from me on the island property I used to own, in front of the fire with his new flame, or so I think.

And he has btw been divorced several years now. So I don't think he is BH's WH, do you?

Nice little dig though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Brownhair -

Can you get on a plane today and fly straight to southern California? You are cannot live like this. I think the Plan A'ing has finally gotten to you.

And the OW lacks common decency and respect for herself and you. Throw her out in the street.

AM,

Not sure what u r disagreeing with. I agree with you that the OW is in the fog.... aren't they all? LOL!!!

L.

Brown are you still on there?

Just thought you truly did NOT want this marriage to this man anymore, so you were patiently enduring the final insult to walk away without standing up for yourself?

Or did you go to the kitchen??

I agree with calling a spade a spade if you want your marriage.

Grunt on the couch....who knows?? could be dumb, could be innocently believing, could be desperately waiting to sit at their table, might actually be one of those people who prove to themselves attractive/powerful by using married people.

Do you feel like educating her?
Would she honestly care?

Rethinking I wouldn't single her out, If I was going to say anything, saying to both of them simultaneously, with honest depth, let it flow if you want, & allow each to witness the others attitudes & behaviours, there are 3 in the room now, with very unique perspectives.



Brown what you doing??

Weaver, I've to stop speed reading.

No, the man I had the affair with is sitting IN the lake .......... or so I think.

No digs intended :P)

Just saying, Orchid, I've played along in dumb situations because the man I was besotted with told me it was fine, and everyone was cool. I think this OW -- or post-OW, whatever -- could be feeling strange and waiting for someone to shake some common sense into her.

Thanks you all for responding <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Btw I'm not Brown (= other poster) but Brownhair.

Some may think I'm nuts for putting up with this. But that's who I am. I cannot bear grudges, or hate, or be angry for a long time. The A (especially as this was with my BF) (who is NOT the present GF) sent me down a very deep and dark place, with lots of anger and resentment. And it ate away at me. I cannot, will not, be that person full of pain and anger: I feel good when I can float easily through life, in spite of some very bad things that have happened in it (even other than A). I will not be tempted into hate and resentment and anger if I can help it. I will not put my head in the sand either. Not an easy combination but the result is worth it - remaining true to myself.

I only lived with STBXRWH for a few more months because a) I needed to find a new place b) when I found something I could afford it still needed a lot of work c) I will not leave my dog and cat behind.

The work is done - almost everything has been moved yesterday <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> - and I'm very happy to be starting a life on my own now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />.

I could hardly have prevented H to have other GF - he does that anyway, no matter if I tell him he can't. And it has proven over and over to me that yes, I made the right decision, yes, I gave him and our M all the chances (and more) I should have. I can walk away and not look back. I can honestly wish him and new GF a good life together, even though I'm afraid what I suspect to be a SA will creep up in their life sooner or later. I don't "hope" for it - I fear it will.

The price for betraying my trust and making it impossible for me to believe the trust can be restored it the loss of my love and friendship. That is what X-BF and X-H will have to live with.

It is my opinion that the issue is the reflection that these actions have on YOU and YOUR beliefs undermine you belief in fidelity and sanctitiy of marriage........

The condoning of dating while still married and your action of condoning it by your self positioning in their space...says in action to your stbxh...

that you never really did or do hold much value in fidelity and in marriage vows...

that you never did or do believe that they are sanctified vows........

IF that is the message you want to give..

the undermining of vows based on logistics and conveinance...
then have at it...

it is as they say..relative moralism...

we already know that you soon to be ex has no care, concern, or revererance for vows...
and now you actions mirror that as well...........

no one here on marriagebuilders even when a marriage ends in divorce encourages perpertual anger grudges....
but people here on marriage builders usually uphold the thought that wedding vows have meaning to individuala...even when one spouse says differently...that has nothing to do with the views of the other spouse....

actions define who we are and what you believe....
it is my opinion you actions place little value on marriage...

and if you don't believe that to be true...then you are

sending mixed messages and calling him/them fogged up

condoning his first affair by suddenly condoning this one...

just my opinion...

ARK

Dear Ark;
a M, to me IS the vows. They were broken 2 years ago by H. We tried to fix the M - he broke them again. When he refused to go into counseling, I saw no reason to continue the M. That was the end of our M: not the technicality of D-papers signed, but my conclusion that there was no way I could stay in the M.

I asked H to keep GF's out of our house until I moved out. These last two weeks I agreed to meet the now steady GF #3 because I wanted to know who I would be dealing with in the future. I do not underestimate the influence of a new woman, and I prefer to let her know who I am. Don't tell me "she has no business with your business" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />... technically she doesn't, but in reality she can mess up future agreements etc. by influencing STBXH.

Yesterday invited H GF at our house without this being agreed upon. But it was the evening before I moved out: do you think it would be wise to make a big deal out of it? I don't think so.

Is this sending a message of condoning A's? Not to new GF, who "arrived" after I told H our M was over. Not to H, who considers our M over anyway for many months - hey, he even thinks he wasn't really cheating on me during our M with BF because it was only sex !!!

So why would I waste my energy and make a big deal out of it? I did tell H when he asked me "what's wrong" exactly what was wrong. Only to get the same foggy reactions I expected to get. More waste of energy.

May I ask you: just at what point is a M over?
To me, it was over when I found out he had gone to P's again. That he decided to start dating right away is disrespectful - but it's hardly having an A.

Hey BH

Nobody else can tell you what your boundaries are. As for me, I have enough respect for the institution of marriage that I would not be present during such antics. It ssickening and your H's GF must be some kind of deluded slut IMO to behave in such a way.

If you are not hurt by this behaviour, there is no harm in it.

if you ARE, enforce your boundary.

Thanks Bob - I felt a little lynched ;-).
OK, I might have said "This is my last evening here, I'd rather not have any third parties here now." That's true.
But like I said - this M has been over to me for several months now. I just kept living here because of before mentioned reasons 1, 2 and 3.

Just for arguments' sake: what point is there in telling a RWH that he can't date until the M is ended? He didn't care enough not to fool around before, so how would such a threat stop him? I told him it was hurtful to me that he was dating so soon. He gently said "I understand". And kept doing it. So much fog - amazing.

BH I think i would have made their time togteher unpleasant <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

" ah, have you discovered he farts during SF yet ? "
"Glad he found someone who doesn't mind dating a serial cheater. "
" So, have you screwed many other married men being divorced for cheating ?"

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But then again I have a cruel streak !

Honey, I'm not in plan A, I'm in plan D! I just moved out!
I don't consider GF to be an OW; just another accident waiting to happen <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.