I am so tired of all of this talking of needs not being met, or the WS not being "happy". Too bad. That is life. In every marriage there are bad times and good times. It is starting to make me want to barf every time I read about a person needing this, and needing that.

I say 'GET OVER YOURSELF' and start being a productive person in this world. It is NOT all about you.

Vent over.

Ok Believer,

Certainly understand this stuff can be really irriating. You have seen this stuff b4, many times. Something else eating @ you?

Just asking 'cuz I care. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

ME, ME, ME, ME Hey who moved MY cheese?

I can cartwheel too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />)

Did someone stick an empty carton of milk back in the fridge in your house today? Again?

Taking responsibility is a challenging thing to do when your feeling p'off & with the added stressor of no coffee, KWIM?

Geeze wouldn't it be wonderful if ..........

Instead of blaming others for what we haven't or aren't doing we realise we able bodied enough to do it ourselves anyway & then just do it!

Motivating myself to drink water ain't the same when I had the aroma of a brew on, how and ever the thoughtless action of another has impacted on my pleasant plans for this evening.

So I set up my fine & dandy boundary,(healthy & essential to harmonious living).

We united agreed acceptable levels of behaviour.

It's been crossed.

I'm p'd off. I acknowledge my feelings to myself.

How I express/react is how the evening will flow.

Only I determine what I do.

Only I control me.

Only I can actively decide how much or how little action I will do. No one but ME, ME, ME, ME has that power over ME.

Getting off my [censored] now to go for blast (pleasure driving) to buy some milk (necessity) & we all will live happily ever after. Cos Mama's decided to do something about it. And when Mama's happy........... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Believer

Ktulu leaving the kitchen.

Hey Believer!
I totally agree with you!

I never bought the "needs not being met" theory.

Personally I think some people (probably 50%) have a commitment flaw in their personalities! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Believer, you're wonderful!

I do kind of get the whole needs met thing BUT, from me it still gets a big SO!?! So we either adjust and work things out or we don't.

Whining "poor me, my needs aren't being met" even some of time is very unnattractive. Hey! I resemble that remark lately! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We all have needs that don't get met! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Blah blah blah SF! Blah blah blah companionship! Blah blah blah turkey pot pie... Yep. Guilty!

Sally

I have to say I agree as well. MB has helped my H and I very much... BUT if I went by our EN questions ... well, I should have been the one with a ONS, not him. MY NEEDS were not being met - at all - but I did not sleep with someone else, my H did.
His needs were met in every way imaginable.

Go figure.

The fact is noone is perfect.

I read in a book about dealing with difficult situations (of course I loaned the book out and so can't quote it exactly) but it said something along the lines of...

When you are dependent upon love and when you put your hope and trust in someone you love, there are expectations to be met. So we work hard to improve ourselves to meet their needs, and then, unfortunately, the rules change. Suddenly the needs they wanted and are now being met, are not enough... they want something else and you have to start all over.

This is how I feel what happened to me. 5 years ago, my W had a short EA. I was scared of losing her and made all kinds of changes. I woke up nearly every day saying that I will treat her like a queen and asked what I could do today to make it the best day possible for her.
I ended up doing much more housework, putting aside my own career to support her in hers... she still hasn't chosen one... wanted to be a flight attendant and then a nurse and then a massage therapist (which by the way interests her so much but do you think she would ever give me a massage).
I give foot rubs, back rubs, nearly daily. I spent the winter missing a Sunday bible study while I spent time with my 2 sons taking them to hockey. My W went to the bible study (and of course it was at the home of the OM who she had her A with). I invited her Mom to live in our house... went and bought a house we couldn't afford because her and her Mom wanted it (ok I was stupid for that one). I put $5,000 on my credit card for her Mom's lawyer bills and another $3,500 for a down payment for her Mom's car. I haven't seen much back yet. I didn't ever complain when she wanted to go out with her sister or friends while I stayed at home with the boys. We rarely fought and I would always treat her with respect (I know... lacking intimacy because we both bottled up emotions).

My point (and chance to vent) is that I made huge changes for our marriage to succeed 5 years ago. She gave very little into the M. Most of the time I was feeling rejected and hurt... but as is normal with someone in my position (co-dependent), I just worked harder to please. I did everything and more of what she asked... (although, still not what she needed?) but she still was not happy and had an A. She says she was too afraid to hurt me by telling me something was wrong...???LOL! So she had an A instead?

I don't believe this was about needs not being met... because even if there were some I wasn't meeting, I had shown that I was willing to meet any need if she would tell me.

This was more about balance. She felt I was too good and she was bored. She needed something bad in her life? I don't know and I still don't get it. She felt too much pressure on her shoulders.

Now if I figure it out and we restore the M, will the rules change again so she can have another A in 5 years?

Sorry to steal your post so I could do my own venting...

Shaden

I am one who truly did not meet my FWH's needs, confirmed by Steve Harley...Deprived him BIG TIME...I'm continuing to learn about this...

No excuse for him to have an A.. BUT...he did a GREAT JOB at meeting my needs before he started attending to his new woman...YUCK....

Left lots of room for FOW to move right in....

Believer,

What did you think about the book PROPER CARE AND FEEDING OF HUSBANDS?

Naaa Orchid, nothing else is bothering me. I'm out of my marriage, and life is GREAT.

It's just as I go through life and meet people, I find that there are lots of folks that are having an EXTREMELY hard time. I'm talking about no job, not enough food, nowhere to live.

I'm getting slightly IRRITATED by people not being happy with what they DO HAVE.

I have to sign on with you, Believer.

I bent over backwards to meet "needs" and only cracked catastrophically when "needs" included spending the afternoons looking at teen pornography.

I'm no great shakes ... a lousy housekeeper for one... and no teenage Playboy model, for sure... but having a stroke-crippled husband with porn addiction and addiction to female attention and clinical depression and bored and erectile dysfunction and and and and...

Excuse me, WHOSE needs weren't being met????

I wanted to jump in on the needs being met/not met issue--

As a FWW (and BS), I can say it is not merely not having needs met that led to my A (or for others I have spoken to in the same sitch). I think it is so much more than that. Saying it is only about not having needs met is too much of a simplification if you ask me. Otherwise, there would be a lot more people in As. There was a point, where my H was consciously choosing not to meet my needs and said he had no desire to meet mine as I was not meeting his. But, neither of us had an A at that point.

Most Ms have low times when needs are not being met very well. That does not automatically lead to an A. I do think not having them met does make it more likely you might have an A though. I am still trying to understand why I did it--because I believed I never would, that I never could, yet I did. And, that has really forced me to look closely at myself. For me, when I look back on how I could have gotten to the place I did, I know it has something to do with me making him my everything and my self-worth being tied in with him somehow. This, coupled with not having my needs met, is what I believe led to my A.

I think that the not meeting of needs was silently chipping away at the foundation of our M, but our friendship was always intact and we were very happy at times despite not having needs met. But, like many parents, we were not nurturing our M or each other. The trouble that created the biggest damage to our M, was when we were suddenly hit by many extremely stressful things all at once. We had always leaned on each other during tough times, but after awhile, we were both tapped dry and had nothing left to give each other. This went on for some time. And, I started to feel that he no longer valued me, nor that he cared about, or empathized with, my feelings. At that point, I was also suffering from depression, low self-worth, chronic pain, and getting very little sleep (due to twin newborns). All my reserves were in the red and I was barely keeping it together. For the first time ever in our M, I felt alone. I felt like he abandoned me. And, I was not coping well. I am in no way blaming this on him. This affected me so much more deeply than I realized at the time (it has come out since). And, I started to become resentful too. I know now that I put too much worth on what he was/was not doing and was not basing it on what I thought of me and focusing on meeting my own needs (I do not think I could have met my needs at that time, even if I tried).

Ultimately, I feel it was mostly my lack of coping mechanisms that made me more susceptible to an A. Now, I am learning about what I want, who I am, and what I need. And, I am learning how to meet those needs myself. I am changing and becoming a healthier person because I never want to go through this again or hurt my H in this way ever again.

Are we related Shaden? I swear if you switched around a few words we are brother and sister.
I give my husband daily backrubs, foot rubs, his wish is my command. He wants ice cream, no problem, I run to the local ice cream parlor and bring a quart home. I buy all his favorite foods, cook his favorite foods, I have a big glass of iced tea waiting for when he comes home. My husband will never get a refusal for sf, ever. His mom needs to go to a rest home, I tell my husband, no problem, she can come live with us. He says its not a good idea, so I offer to go to work so that his mom can stay in the cash only facility for people with alhzeimers and dementia. We are now going to go into our savings to help pay for this until I finish with school and can work full time to pay for it. Believe me, this is this best investment I have ever made. I love my husband and his mother. If he is happy, I am happy. Unfortunately, he is not happy right now. Even though his mother is in the best place possible for her right now, he is unable to face the reality of her situation and is not coping very well. He only goes to visit her with me, and only in her room. It disturbs him so much to see other dementia patients. Very sad. I don't know what is going to happen to him once his mother passes away.
Anyway, its amazing all the giving the b/s gives and all the taking and selfish demands the w/s's make. The latest thing is that my husband now wants a new shotgun. The one he wants is over and under, which is needed to shoot at certain field dog trials where they shoot ducks for the dogs to retrieve. Sigh...........
I am going to quote my husband, which he usually uses this quote to describe me.
"Its never enough, nothing is ever enough for you."

Improving - "Ultimately, I feel it was mostly my lack of coping mechanisms that made me more susceptible to an A. Now, I am learning about what I want, who I am, and what I need. And, I am learning how to meet those needs myself. I am changing and becoming a healthier person because I never want to go through this again or hurt my H in this way ever again."

You hit the nail on the head! We CAN learn to meet some of our own needs, and not have to depend on our spouses for each and every one.

Now that Mr. Believer is gone, I have realized that I have become quite proficient at meeting most of my needs. He never put in much effort.

On the contrary, I met many more of his needs. I helped him raise his 6 children, kept a nice home, cooked, did laundry, worked outside the home, always provided SF, and he even got his life long dream of buying a new Harley. But it was never enough.

And I am SO OVER being with someone who has all of these "needs". I would be more inclined to call them "wants".

Life is hard, raising good kids is hard, going to work day after day is hard.

Where did some of these people get the idea that everything was going to be so easy??????

I get a bit peeved also. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Found out I can't change the world so I just do the best I can and if I can't, I don't sweat the big stuff anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

So often nowadays many are not satisfied with what they have. Our children tend to think life is one big handout and that bothers me. I let mine know that while I never lived in severe poverty, appreciating what I had was in many cases more important than what I had.

Jealousy isn't a problem with me. It is with many today and that saddens me.

I hate selfishness. The A is one big selfish trip. Why it hits some so hard and so quickly is a mystery to me.

Yea, it c/b about one's needs not met but from what I have experienced and seen, many of us BS' haven't had our needs met in eons so that therories blown to smithereens. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Guees I you got me venting now. LOL!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Whew! I feel better now.

L.

In the laws of logic on the needs not being met I feel strongly for the case of most betrayed spouses being right smack centre in line for attention and care from just about anyone 'nice' who might happen to stop for a while.

So as Improving said, coping mechanisms.

I too was a wife who gave till exhaustion.

Needs my hat, Everyone has needs, wants & desires.

Most of us do 'em in an adult way.

Those of us that can't or rather won't are either dependent or incapacitated from thinking in a rational adult way - haven't a clue how to be responsible for ourselves.

Off my soapbox.

Thanks again Believer.

Hoping our little Ktulu's grow up healthy, confident, independent, empathetic, with a better understanding of themselves, their abilities, responsibilities etc., then their father & I had when we entered into the adult arena.

We are learning & growing still.

LOL....I am sure of a **few*** people who might get quite upset at your view on that....LMAO...I think it is great.

Bravo, right on.

Lem

Believer... you are right.

My WW feels she is entitled to everything... a nice, big home, a great job that she would love to be at every minute of the day, friends who don't have problems, happiness given to her, an Affair??!!. She doesn't realize we make life from what we have and what we are given. If we want more, we have to work for it... hard.

Kdsheartbreak... yeah... and when my W was going through the "I need space" phase, before I knew about the A... she said "it's not about you, it's about me." What am I supposed to do with that? After trying so hard to make her happy... which I now know I can't do... she takes all control away and lets me guess what's wrong.
She took her Mom out today to look at apartments for her Mom to move into (we sold our house). They didn't have much luck and I get the cold shoulder. (The roller coaster is on it's way down).

Shaden

OK, enough venting from me for one night. I've been able to avoid the negative talk most of the time, but it felt good to vent a little. Sorry for being so negative.

Shaden

Lemon:




I know you weren't talking about anyone like me...

Guess what?

I'm not in the mood tonight to discuss comments on this thread...

Much too happy and content....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Lemonman -

I think your posts are finally rubbing off on me. Let's face it, there are lots of problems in this life, lots of things we did not sign up for. So GET OVER IT.

Life is tenuous and hard. Enjoy what you can.

I just wish some of the affairees could put half as much effort into making the world a better place, as they put into their fantasies.

Orchid - Now I remember. Part of what may be bothering me is that OW is now back with her husband. She dumped WH. So all of my pain - and of WH "moving on", was for NOTHING.

Our marriage is done. I don't want him. He is still miserable, and that is that.