well...where to begin? My d-day was 8/20/05 and since then my world has flipped upside down. Ive read alot on this website and so much has hit home that i feel this is the right place for me to go right now.
Ive descovered my wifes affair and made it known to everyone. She was still living in the house with me for three weeks but about once a week i would try talking to her and she would say "i dont love you and i dont think thats going to change." this would set me off and i would fight with her. We reconciled and continued to stay in the house. The next week of spending time together and going places together, i tried to talk to her again, with the same results...a fight and a reconciliation. One more week, same results only that time she left.
Shes been staying at her parents house for two weeks now and through phone records i found that she is still seein the OM. the minute i descovered that i called her voice mail and raged until i was red in the face...now i regret doin that because i now know, thanks to MB, that that only has negative affects on what im trying to save.
I guess the point im at is how do i separate her from her lover and begin to rebuild what has been lost. Plan A seems like i missed my opportunity when she was in the house with me but the idea of moving on to plan b frightens me because of the possibilty that shell go "outta sight outta mind"
She hasnt said she wants a divorce, but im afraid that this affair may just push us to it. And my strength wanes as each day passes...
I made many changes in my life...at first to win her back but now thier for me, because if all else fails me is all i have. I wanna fight for my marriage because i know that deep down inside the two of us are good for each other.
Please someone help me find the next step and if you need more information into the weeks that lead up to this point then let me know. Im really hoping that this can be fixed even if right now she doesnt wanna try to fix it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Fight, the first thing you can do is stop fighting with her and implement a good Plan A. Plan A is designed to bust up the affair and attract her back. You bust up the affair by exposing it and you attract her back by avoiding lovebusters and trying your best to meet her needs.

Do you have children? How long married? Who is the OM and have you exposed the affair to all key people such as her family, your family, workplace, OM's spouse [if any?]?

That should be your first focus, to make the affair as uncomfortable as possible. The more exposed the affair, the harder it will be for them to carry on. No crack addict likes smoking crack out in front of everyone.

Second focus is to educate yourself as quickly as possible about emotional needs and lovebusters. Get your hands on the books Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. You can get them on this website. In the meantime, read the link in my signature about Plan A and Plan B.

Welcome. Have you let her parents know that she is living with them and carrying on an adulterous affair?

F4WR - responded to you over on the Just Found Out forum...

I just let her parents know yesterday about the continuing affair yesterday...her father wont throw stones at his own daughter and her mother supports me fully but is in the hospital at the moment.
oh yeah little bit of history...friends for 4 years,dated for 3 married for 2 on october 18 this year...:( I have exposed the affair to the world (scorched earth-style) and we have no children.

Fight, can you answer the questions in my post, please?

Oh and the other man is someone she met through her boss. He lives about 45 minutes away in another city. I met him once and i know his first name but other than that hes lucky i dont know him anymore or id just as well kill him with the way my emotions are controlling me as of late.

It is important to find out whether the OM is married or not. Hopefully he is married because then you will need to immediately contact his wife and expose. Most of the time the OM will dump the affair partner and go running back to his wife.

suppose i should fill in a few more blanks for everyone. We got together right as i started going to the bar...she wasnt old enough and by the time she was i was done with that whole scene. I had also quit drinking because i dont like myself when im drunk :P. Well, around came her turn and she would ask me to go but i just kept saying that i dont like to go if im not going to drink (selfish move on my part). Well, i began being a homebody/hermit and playing on the computer too much...can anyone say internet widow...lol. Anyways, she began going to this other city with her new boss to gamble at the casino and since she has weekends off and i work i could never go(not that i would because i was so wrapped up in being at home) This was where she met the OM and began her little "friendship" which over time became her A.
I havent read any of the books you all suggest but i will definitly look into getting them because books and reading are the only things that help me escape the damn rollercoaster as of late.
As far as a plan A goes im not sure how to impliment it if she doesnt want to talk to me and is still deeply wrapped up in the "fog" of her new fantasy relationship. She doesnt seem to want to end it and im not quite sure how to go about it.
And yes this place seems like a place i could come everyday. To talk to people who have walked this path for better or for worse.

and i dont think the OM has anyone, but i dont know how to find out. only information i have is his cell phone number.

As far as love busters go...i would have to say that the only one ive exhibited was anger. Other than that i only try to reinforce my love for her and give her her space...which ive learned recently is an excuse for lover-time.

At this point its very hard for me to identify her emotional needs and when i look at the list of ten i can only think that she needed most of them. Understand that i became a complete shut out. I think i just got too comfortable with things and assumed that if she had a problem she would have talked to me about it. Unfortunatly she bottled and blew and then flew.

Are you married? How long? Any children?

Im married...two years and no children

I would like to think that in the three weeks we were in the house together after Dday she was trying to stop the affair. She got a new cell phone, and changed the number at my request, and she was spending time with me. This was all before i discovered MB so i didnt know that i was already in plan A. But now i think that after my outbursts she went right back to him and she told me she doesnt want to continue the marriage yet she takes no steps to end it. So my question is this...how do impliment a plan A if i think that i was already in position to do that and blew it? How can i get her to end the affair AGAIN after she already tried and i failed to make the correct steps to rebuild what has been lost? (not that she made any aside from a new phone number and total lack of cooperation on her part)

I hear you. I am in the same position.I tried plan A but the affair continued. my ww wanted to seperate also to be wih om (of course she used space excuse).Afte a couple of months I couldn't take it and kicked her out. I too blew it a few times with LB, but I was being respectful most of the time. I only blew up when she would hurt me by dissappearing all night and standing myself and her family up at events ect... I think it is normal to get upset about these things. If she is unwilling to end the affair than plan A won't work anyway.My ww just used my new found attention to manipulate me into a cake eating situation.
I am no expert but I think you should cut her off until she stops seeing om, otherwise she will also try to cake eat and it's not fun my friend.

do i really wanna cut her off if my last contact was so negative? Isnt the point to make her want me? I know that ive done all the changing i can to better myself and i also know that its better for me in the long run to do that anyways, but cutting her off after screaming at her seems like it would be counter productive to my goal of saving my marriage. On the up side ive come to the conclusion that im just gonna keep lookin up and do what i can to make MYSELF happy. Because thats the line she keeps giving me. If selfishness is what she wants then selfishness is what im going to try for myself...not that im going to do anything like have a counter affair or anything but ive resolved to just keep going out, doing what makes me feel good, and living my life like she was never there. Get back to who I am. And when i think about her im going to channel all those bad feelings into something positive. Now this may just be an up on the rollercoaster talking but i really need to do something to maintain my sanity before i crack and do sumthing stupid