I am at a total loss as to what to do. My husband is in the military and stationed about 6 hours from home. We generally see each other every weekend. Well, I noticed when I would call him I could her the beeps from someone IMing him...when I would ask, "who are you talking to" he would say, "oh I was just shutting the computer down". I am way smarter than that. With my suspisions up, I snooped on his computer and found out he had another messenger name that I didn't know about. I was so hurt. I decided to try to bait him. I made myself a new messenger name and sent him an IM and sat back and waited. He took it, hook, line and sinker. I proceeded to get him to think he was having internet sex two times. He is even talking like he wants to meet me. I just don't know what to do. This came from nowhere. We spent a lot of time apart because he spent 18 months in Iraq. But things have seemed fine. I am scared to confront him about this "affair" on one hand, on the other, I just want to choke him! Is it an affair because it was with me? I think so because he is clueless its me. People keep telling me to leave him, but I still love him so much. I just am clueless at this point. Do you have any suggestions for me? Do I keep this "affair" going or do I end it and tell him who I am? I hope you can give me some good advice in this situation. I don't want a divorce. Thanks so much!

Leighdie,

I'm not answering your post -- just bumping it to the top. I had so many fantasies about doing this with my porn-addict H that I'm of no use to you.

I'm tempted to say, make arrangements to meet him at a restaurant. Show up, and be surprised that he's there. Wait for someone at a separate table. Let him figure it out. See how he reacts when the shoe is on his foot.

But this is the stuff of movies.

I don't know, I can't say I have an answer for you, but this seems too "gamey" for my taste.

You guys are adults and you are playing a game where you both can get burned, quite badly.

What if...

1. You play this out, have intimate cybersex sessions that are nothing like your home SF? How will that effect your attitude at home?

2. You end up meeting him someplace? Do you think he'll be happy it's you? What if he's not?

3. He tells you (as the OW) that his marriage is over and all the babble of the WH? How will you react?

You are expecting him to be open and honest with you, but you aren't doing the same with him.

I just think you are playing with fire here. It may end up being all "...do you like pina coladas?..." but I have a bad feeling about it.

I think you should drop it altogether and snoop some other way if you feel he's cheating. Or, better yet, both of you get into MC.

Just my opinion.

Wow, I did this with my husband when we first got married.

I disagree that it's "gamey". I think differently now, but when I first did this, my thoughts were that internet chat, even if it was explicit, was okay--not cheating, as long as I knew about it. I THINK DIFFERENTLY NOW.

Anyway, for some reason I had this weird feeling when my husband had to go to a school for the summer (he's military as well). I looked through Yahoo personals in the area where he was at and saw something like it would've been written by him. I made up the name first to see if it *was* him. Then as we talked, I kept it up to see if it was "innocent" (what I considered innocent) or something more. After talking just a few times, I invited him to meet me in person and he agreed.

I basically plan b'd him. Would not talk to him the whole summer, told him I wanted a divorce.

But he did all the right things. Began attending a Sex Addict group, began talking to a therapist, just said and did all the right things.

It took a long time for me to trust him again. Even when I thought I trusted him, I didn't. There was a time when I had 0 sexual desire for about a year. Yes, we had sex, but not as much as either of would've liked (I didn't want sex, but I did miss it, if that makes sense).

Anyway, to bring closure to the story...I finally did trust my husband, 100%. We were getting restationed and decided to start all over in someplace unique and we chose to go out of country (sort of--Puerto Rico). He was down there for two months before I could go down. When I got there, I was there for two weeks before he had to go away to another school. But I was so excited--it was a new beginning and I had so much hope for our future again.

He was gone for six weeks. When he came home...he kissed me differently. Well, turns out he had a full-out affair while he was gone and now we're divorcing. We've--errrr...*I've*, tried for two years since then, but the affair changed the way he thought of me and our marriage. The affair seemed to hurt twice as much because it happened just as I had finally regained all my trust for him.

Leigh, I do think you should let the cat out of the bag and confront him. It *is* an affair. Should your husband want to stay in the marriage, and should you want to stay in the marriage--don't treat this as anything less than an affair. That was my mistake and I'm paying for it.

I wish you the best of luck and truly hope that things turn out differently for you.

^bumping to the top^ for Leighdie

Please become more familiar with the MB philosophy before you confront him.

Also, consider purchasing a "keylogger" to record all of his keystrokes on the computer. You may not be the ONLY one he's having cyber sex with, and if so, you need to know this BEFORE you confront. This will also provide you with "hard" evidence of his activities which you need to make copies of, and store the originals in a VERY secure place for future reference.

Read and learn all you can, and have experienced folks here guide you through the process. It will keep you on track, and keep you from making mistakes that might otherwise delay or obstruct your desire to save your marriage.

Just some thoughts I had towards your situation.

Best wishes,
SD

Moved this over from "Just found out"

Leighdie,

I was your husband in the past. I found a hobby in chatting on the computer with women. I justified it as not cheating because I would never meet anyone in person off the internet. Just a new version of people watching steriods (women with cameras).

Again never meeeting anyone personally, and when my wife found out she freaked out. I paid no mind, until we almost D. Then the things that were important became evident.

Oh by the way, I was Military when this was happening, and did the same thing using an ID someone else had created.

I would recommend you see if he would really be willing to meet you. Otherwise you wil never know the truth and the level he is willing to betry your you and your M.

If he does show up, you will want to remain calm, this will scare him more than anything else you could do.

Why is he stationed 6 hours away? Hopefully he is only TDY?

I think Mortarman can back me up on this, but TDY is scary too. You know the saying "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"? Well, the same saying is in place for TDY.

What happens on TDY, stays on TDY.

It's a sad reality for many in the military.

Yes he is on TDY orders for 6 months. We chose for him to go on them because of finances. I can't live like this and have decided to "take the bull by the horns". I would love to "meet him somewhere" but frankly am terrified to. He has been acting so good to me on the phone since this happened. Before he was really distant. I just dont' get it. I promise to keep you posted on the happenings. Hopefully it will wash out okay. God bless all of you. Thanks so much!

How about this?

Set an appointment with a MC. Then set a "date" with your H (via internet) to meet him near the counselor's office. He will be surprised to see you, and then you can go straight in with the MC to talk about things as they will be fresh on your minds.

Probably not the best way to go about it, but who knows?

I'm missing something here. Why not be honest and tell him the truth?

I am all for a MC but with him being 6 hours away right nowt that is hard. I am checking into the MC on base to see if we can set up some appointments that can be arranged when I am down there. Problem is, right now the hurricane has caused power outages there so things are on hold until the power is up again. Until he is able to come home again, I will not be able to confront him. As for Mimi's post, why hasn't he been honest with me? Like I said, I am still feeling clueless as to what to do, but appreciate all of your comments. Thanks so much

((Leigh))

I think it's very obvious that you husband is sick and capable of doing very bad things. Who knows, while he's talking this way to you he could also be talking to 10 other women and meeting up with them. So to me it cuts to the bottom line, what do you want to do?

If you want to save your marriage then you need to plot a course to do so. My biggest fear with you continueing in your deceit is that you are going to allow him to do irrepairable harm to you to where you will not be able to forgive. I also believe that the longer you allow him to live in this little fantasy world, the worse he will get. Heck, talking with you may be the additional incentive he needs to sleep with someone else. You are feeding his addiction. You are contributing to the destruction of your marriage. So again, if you wish to save this deal, I think you make a plan, expose yourself to him, and seek recovery.

Of course, if you don't want to save this deal then you could play all the sick games.

If you arrange to meet him and then go there yourself, it will eliminate any denial on his part. He could always say it was a friend and because you didn't "catch" him, there would always be a possibiity in your mind that it was someone else.

I wouldn't meet him in a restaurant either. He could say the person he thought he was cyber=chatting with was a friend. Arrange to meet him at a motel nearby with the room number. Be there when he opens the door. That way there will be no doubt...and have a friend in the adjoining room to help you if need be.

I think the honesty comes in during counseling or recovery...not while he's being exposed. It's normal for WS's to make up all kinds of outlandish scenarios. Be prepared.

You really might want to contact Steve Harley and have a phone session with him regarding this unique situation. The sessions are expensive, but he's supposed to be very insightful into peoples individual situations.

I see that you are seperated (distance wise), and the suggestion I made regarding a key logger would not work, however, I would print out any future "chats" you have with him to save as evidence.

Before you confront him, you'd better have a concrete response when he replies "I knew it was you all along, and that's the only reason I was doing it". The more guilty he is, the more creative and deceptive he will be in trying to avoid the truth, and displace the "blame" onto others, primarily YOU. You will not likely get the truth from him, so keep that in mind, regardless of what you plan to do.

Perhaps a plan to meet, with you being a "no-show", but with a PI or very close and trusted friend outside the motel room with a camera to "capture" his presence in meeting with his "online lover". That would show his intent to commit infidelity.

Keep posting and you'll continue to get more ideas on how to handle this situation. And do consider a phone session with the Harleys.

Best wishes,
SD

Hi Leigh, - and all!

Doesn't anyone think that Leigh's H may just deny and say that he "knew" it was her all along! If she meets him, that would be my fear! Perhaps I am paranoid, but I have never been able to "prove" inconclusively that my H was having an A (EA or otherwise)! And that has really sucked for our M.

Leigh,
Your H is NOT being honest. While you aren't either, I tend to agree with the general MB consensus that spying is ok, if you are trying to save your M. And this falls along those lines (to me). I agree with the person that said that you should install a keylogger and if that isn't possible, find another way to gather your evidence. You probably will not be satisfied, or rather, this will continue to put a bump (big) in trust field for you! At least until you figure out what you should do. Or perhaps you could send someone else to meet him - someone that he doesn't know! But he may still deny and claim that he "knew" somehow!

I find this a tough one, but I do think that if you "let it go", it will tend to bother you (and rightly so) for a LONG time!

Just be really careful with exposure, I wish that I had found this site alot earlier and followed the guidelines!

GoodLuck and really sorry that you are going thru this!,
jls