WW finally confessed everything to me.

She went out with the OM and it didn't go well. He told her he had a new girlfriend. She got upset with him, got drunk, and still spent the night with him.

The next day, after a bout of fog talk, she told me everything about the affair. Everything from the vast amount of sex they had (something she downplayed before), that she had still had kept a copy of his number, address etc., to the fact she had most of the sex in OUR HOUSE, while I was away. She is very upset and felt used by him.

This confession was good though very painful to hear. Another positive thing was she threw out some token momentoes (sp?) (a couple of cds he made for her etc) in front of me to make a point.

Now she is back to square one in withdrawal and is a basket case. So she (or more like we) will have to go through this whole process again.

Unfortunately, he has tried to contact her twice this weekend. She has been open and honest with me about this but it really adds to her confusion. I approached her this weekend regarding a NC letter. She is reluctant to do this and she thinks her 'word' should be good enough. It always seems to be about her. We are going to our 3rd MC session later this morning and I decided to trust the MC to give us some good advice.

I do know that I will not schedule anymore MC sessions after this one until she does the NC letter. I thought about cancelling this session but I want to get the MC point of view on the weeks happenings,their contact, him calling, her confusion, her reluctance to send a NC letter etc.

I found myself walking this morning very angry (it is the middle of night here). The confessions were difficult to hear, and her reluctance on the NC letter really pissed me off too. I finding myself really running out of energy and patience even though I know true recovery is starting to get close. I think once she is willing (ie honestly willing) to send the NC letter, I think our true recovery will begin.

Please, I need all the advice, strength and support you people can give to get me through these last hurdles and into recovery which I hope will be a much better place for me.

Cheers



Small background:

Dday 7 weeks ago
Exposure was 4 weeks ago
Affair ended and NC agreement (albeit verbal by her to me) 2 weeks ago
MC started 1 week ago 2 sessions so far
She admitted to contact (via telephone) last weekend.
Still in contact this week.

punt

Hello Bob,

I guess it is me but it is bad enough to have an affair on you but to have large amount of sexual encounters in your home and in your bed when you were away really crosses the line to the extreme. This behavior shows such total distain for you and your marriage that it goes beyond comprehension.

It sounds to me that she got dumped by the OM and now is willing to work it out for the time being. I simply do not understand how you could ever trust her at all and how could you ever feel comfortable being away? I would think living in your home would be one giant trigger. I hope you think long and hard about her actions. It sounds like you could do much much better in the future with someone you could trust and who would not get off humiliating in your own home the way she did. This is just my opinion but I would think a person with such a broken moral compass would find it difficult not to cheat again when the going gets tough. I wish you luck.

Bob - I don't know what advice I can give. I am basically in the same place you are. Very angry, very tired and frustrated. Keep plugging along. If your WW is at home, you are farther along than I am.

If it were me, I'd keep up the MC sessions, as long as your WW is willing to go. Is the MC good? Someone who gets some of the MB concepts. Are you in plan A? If so, what time frame did you set for plan A. 3 mos, 6 mos.? Keep with the plan. Make the NC letter and actual NC part of your plan. If you set a 6 mos. plan A timeframe, give it the six months. Tell your WW you want to NC letter, but don't keep hammering away. Tell her you want NC, but don't force it. Tell her you think they are important steps in the recovery process, but don't educate her. Do the best plan A you can, and attract her back to you. When you reach your time limit, if there is no NC letter, or no actual NC, then go to plan B. Make the NC and NC letter a requirement of plan B. Until then, keep plan A'ing, try not to get down or demanding or give ultimatums, as this is unattractive. No R talk. Keep snooping.

Hang in there.

Bob~

Would you feel comfortable bringing her here? I, along with many other FWW's would be very willing to help her through what will be a very difficult time for her (and obviously you)...This site was so instrumental in the recovery of our marriage. I can't praise this place enough!

I believe that it is especially great for a WW, as it will help to clear the fog a bit faster by showing her that she and her A are NOT UNIQUE at all...she'll be shocked by that discovery, I assure you...The MB site can actually replace the OM in a sense; it will shift her focus, believe it or not, and aid her in the swifter drawing of the right conclusions where her A is concerned...

For Mr. Wondering and I, marriagebuilders.com has become a healthy addiction-LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Seriously, it has allowed us to learn together what was wrong in our marriage in the first place. (No matter what was wrong, my A still was NOT justified) MBs gives us the opportunity to talk about conflict in the third person...this has become a powerful tool in resolving issues for us...the third person viewpoint allows us to discuss sensitive topics without personalizing or blaming...because this method lends itself to objectivity, it also grants us a clearer view of solutions, hence we are better equipped to implementing those, as they apply in our own lives.

The value for a WW as I see it, is twofold...

1. She'll get much needed support...we've been where she is and can help her to, at least, understand withdrawal...it's a real *****! We can also aid in guiding her toward an understanding of why an A is NEVER a solution to marital problems...

2. When she gives justifications and rationalizations for her A, we will give her, the also much needed, but well intentioned 2 x 4...Because the people here truly care, they will NOT lie to her or validate any feelings of entitlement that she may harbor...This will make her angry at first, and she, like myself and many others before, will try to swim upstream, and tell everyone how and why these principles don't apply to her or her situation... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

That's Okay, and can actually be helpful for both of you...It will give you the opportunity to meet her EN for conversation. (if that is one of her ENs...it is for most women) She will want to vent her anger and exercise rebellion against us (not you for a change <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />...) She may rage about how "cult-like and ridiculous" that this site and everyone on it is...how everyone here thinks that they know her and her situation, when that couldn't possibly be true, because the same principles cannot apply to everyone, especially not her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />...

If you're like my h, you will use this to your advantage, and let her get on her self-righteous soapbox, and crow away...Mr. Wondering would listen to my rants about MBs and the people here...he would neither agree or disagree with me...He would just nod and then calmly point out that I was contradicting the principles here, how Dr. Harley explains that recovery is a very narrow path and surely I could see why that would be upsetting to those on the board...again, never siding with me or against me (though, because he was so kind, it made him seem like he was on my side...he was GOOD!) He just listened, listened some more and viewed it as an opportunity for us to spend time together...and he continued this way, all the while making deposits in my lovebank...I wasn't even concious of what was occuring...

Rants aside, there were many things that I took from here that resulted in great "we agree" conversations for us...I would read stories of some of the cruel things that WSes did to the BSes and be appalled-even wanting to give advice to the betrayed...at first, I did not even get that the things that I was pointing out, actually mirrored my own behavior...gradually, however, it all began to sink in.

At this time I had also begun reading SAA...NOT because my H asked or told me to, that would NOT have worked! Instead, he just left his copy lying around, and I eventually picked it up thinking that it might help get me thru the he!! of withdrawal...

What an amazing and insightful plethora of information the Harley's have created...I hope that they realize just how much the people helped by their efforts appreciate them.
Mr. Wondering and I are so grateful for all the gifts that we have received by being here...not just that it helped us stay together after the A, but that our marriage now has more advantages than it ever would have without the MB principles. Like many others, we just never understood what marriage was suppose to be...we could never repay this place for all that we have taken from it. We remain dedicated to this site today in hopes that we may be able to help other couples receive the amazing gift that we have here. I hope that MBs can have a similar impact on your marriage.

Bob, if your W does come here, obviously she doesn't have to post, she can just read...I think that's how everyone starts out...but if she does decide to post, have her give a "shout out" to the FWWs, or even me personally, if she wishes...we will understand, without judgement, and will help her in any way that we can...

Please remember to take care of you...I know that that gets pushed to the backburner during this kind of crisis, but it is so important...You remain in our prayers...

Mrs. Wondering


P.S. Bob, Mr. Wondering has a file he'd like to send you for your wife to read. Please contact us privately, you can do so by emailing us here, the_wonderings@yahoo.com

BryanP

Alright, this is the second time you've come in on top of my posts.

What is this good cop, bad cop? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think Bryan is making the important point that this is not all about your WW. You also have to decide if you want the M.

Mrs. Wondering,

Since I'm kind of in the same place, can I see the file too?

Absolutely! We'd be more than happy to share it with you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. Wondering

Hello Rprynne,

I guess I am the bad cop. You are correct in that I just wanted to make the point that everyone has choices in the relationship and one should look at all aspects of the betrayal and the relationship to decide what is in the best interest now and in the future for the betrayed spouse to consider.

BetrayedBob

You get to decide what happends next ... not your wife !!!

So find somewhere quite ... and think ... pray ... become contemplative.

YOU are in charge now ... not your wife.

If ~any~ contact happends ... YOU call OM's new girlfriend and expose. Get that duck lined up today. Have someone follow OM and snoop out who his new girlfriend is.

I find that many times, the BS gets so fouled up trying to 'catch' their spouse they aren't prepared with a plan of what to do when they do catch their spouse.

Search your heart and mind ... discover what your bottom line is .... is it that they had sex in your marital bed? if it is ... toss that bed today into a Salvation Army truck ... paint the room and start over.

PS ... I made the weirdest typo ... when I typed duck ... I put " i " instead of the u ... and it totally worked !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Bob,

Just so you know...

Bryanp wanted to join the Optimist Club, but was certain that they wouldn't let him in... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

C'mon Bryanp, this is Marriage Building! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />



Bryan,

We do understand that this is just your opinion, but you seem to repeatedly make assumptions and judgements regarding the situations of others here trying to recover their marriages by using MB principles. While we understand and respect that this a public forum, when making such rash statements, we feel that it is important for you to you clarify the position from which you post. Which is, that you have never saved a marriage by applying the MB principles. Wouldn't you be better qualified to give advice to these folks if you had actually used these methods in a situation of your own? We feel that your opinion here is very biased...Back on 04/13/01 you said the following...




Mr. & Mrs. Wondering

Mr. & Mrs. W,

BryanP has been a long time poster here. Please remember that not everyone is going to be a success story (I'm not one either) and that that should not preclude us from posting here.

I don't think it hurts to see, from time to time, the pain that infidelity really causes. I don't think it hurts to see that very often the damage is permanent. People like Bryan and I lurk and post here in an effort to feel a little less alone. Please don't tell us we don't belong.

Everyone can see where folks like us are coming from. Not all marriages can be saved nor should they be. But the wreckage that comes from them often ends up floating here at MB, clinging to a place where some may understand. Where else would you like us to go?

I'm sorry if the sound of our pain annoys you. But please don't tell us we should leave. It's lonely enough as it is.
Mulan

Mulan...

We are sorry that our post upset you so. We are not telling anyone to leave...we would never do that, and why would we want to?

We assert that those who post here giving advice to those who seek it, have a responsibility to adhere to MB principles when giving counsel. Because we are not counselors, it is our opinion, that we should remain on the very narrow path outlined by Dr. Harley and his proven principles. People seeking advice here are usually looking for ways to recover their marriages, not ways to end them. While it is important to point out that there are no guarantees that a marriage will survive infidelity, we believe that it is equally, if not more, important to do so without personal bitterness, judgements, assumptions and attacks on the insecurities of those seeking guidance.

Mr. & Mrs. Wondering