I'm new here and hoping someone can offer some advice or help on my situation. I apologize for the lengthy post, so many details which play into this.

In June 2001 I became re-acquainted with a woman I knew in school almost 30 years prior. We hit it off from the start and began dating. Both of us had been through 2 bad marriages, I had 1 son, she had 1 son and 3 daughters. Only 1 of her kids was still at home. All of us, her, myself and our 2 kids at home got along better than any I had ever seen. This continued for months and we fell in love, not only with each other but with our kids too. Her daughter had never had a father, I was told he had gotten killed in the military right before she found out about the pregnancy. I was beginning to be the father she had never had.

In February 2002 I proposed, she accepted and in March 2002 we moved in together. April 2003 we were married. She wanted a faster wedding but I had been burned badly before and wanted to make sure this was real.

After we were married, everything was great. We did things together as not only husband and wife but as a family also. Plus the daughter and myself were becoming closer than I had ever seen a father and daughter. She was just like my biological child. So much so that in 2004 on her 16th birthday I adopted her. It was one of the happiest days in both of our lives.

Shortly after in late summer 2004 my wife started to change. She no longer cared about doing the same things as before, almost stopped helping around the house, basically went to doing nothing but working and sleeping. I convinced her to see a doctor. He started her on HRT (menopause) and anti-depressants. This continued for several months with the doctor changing meds and doing other things. Some seemed to help, but only for a short while. It was like something was consuming her. This was not the person I married.

In February 2005 she lost a great job as an accountant. We were told her and the owner had a disagreement over accounting practices and she quit. That story didn't hold for very long as on June 1 at 10 pm the Sheriff's department came to our house and arrested her for Felony Forgery and Embezzelment. She had stolen a great deal of money from her employer. She admits to $18k but the investigator says the amount could push $100k. I used my property to get her out of jail but she will not explain what happened in all of this. "Why did you do this?" is answered by "I don't know, stupidity I guess"; "Where did all this money go, it has not came into our household?" is followed by "I don't know where it went."

How can you steal that much money and not know where it went? IMHO you can't! Things started going downhill from there. Then in August I started catching her in lies and not small ones either. It finally got to the point where I had a background check and credit report ran on my wife. Boy I wish I had done this 4 years ago! She has unpaid debt in the thousands of dollars, I was told I am husband #3, WRONG, I'm at least #9, there is a theft by taking conviction from another county in 1990 and fired from a previous employer for stealing over $3k. I was floored! Here is a woman I loved, who I thought I knew but I have no idea who she is. She knows the absolute worst thing that can be done to me is to lie to me. She also knows I don't care about knowing the past UNLESS it can come back to bite you in the future like this has.

My problem is I really don't know what to do. She has no idea of what all I know. My daughter and I have talked, she's 17 now and has a right to know what's going on. She wants me to try and work it out but I don't know if I can. All the love and trust is gone and I'm not sure if it can ever be reclaimed. Losing my wife soes not bother me in the least. What terrifies me is losing my daughter, she loves her mother regardless of what she's done. Daughter realizes it's all wrong but that does not change how she feels. I think if the wife and I split, my daughter will go with her and hate me for it. Eventhough she tells everyone that I am her best friend and the best father a girl could ever have. I'm still terrified.

Does anyone have any advice? I'm talking to a lawyer and a counselor who both say it pretty much over. Thanks for letting me vent.

Ricky

What an awful story. I am so sorry.


Uhm, won't your wife likely be in jail?
What will happen to the daughter in that case...does she have grandparents or someone who will step in? Can you see being divorced and yet playing a dad role in this girl's life?

Thanks for your reply, a few answers for you.


We don't know what will happen to my wife. Her lawyer has promised her she will not go to jail. Myself personally I don't see how she can avoid it.

As fo her being in jail OR us being divorced, yes I can see myself playing the father role. Eventhough I adopted her, she considers me to be the only father she has ever had. She has told everyone that I am the best friend she has ever had. "J" has also told not only me but her older sister too that if anything ever happened with her mom and me, she would stay with me, no question. However, that's coming from a 17 yo. She is far more mature than many adults I know (including her mother) but when put into that situation I don't know what decision she may make.

If my wife goes to jail I will be "J's" legal guardian, but if we divorce she can choose which way she wants to go. "J" went through a troubled childhood and was molested by a step-brother at around age 6. Nobody ever did anything about that or any other issues she ever had, until I came along. With the childhood the way it was, she built a wall and will not let it down for anyone. She has a small amount with me (that's how I know about the abuse, wife never mentioned it), but not much. I am more concerned about "J's" health and well being than I am anything else. She means the world to me and has been hurt so much that I never want it to happen again and I know if the wife and I divorce and "J" goes with her, the pain will start again. For a woman to have at least 7 husbands in 16 years (time from her first divorce to us getting together) it had to be traumatic on the kids. Her oldest 3 were from her first husband, youngest "J" doesn't know who her dad is. I was told they all have the same dad but that is not true. Wife divorced him in 1985, "J" was not born until 1988. Therefore there have been 8 men including me in this teenagers life since she was born. To me it's sickening for kids to be subjected to this. Especially when it has all been kept from me since the beginning.

Thanks

Ricky

If you can see yourself in that role, I think that is wonderful for you and your stepdaughter as well. You are in a tough spot as to next steps. I can see wanting a D, but not want to leave the daughter.

How long is the legal process likely to drag out..how long before you know whether your W will be in jail or not?

Actually, it's not hard... I worked at a company that had the billing clerk embezzle just shy of a quarter million, and you couldn't tell it from the lifestyle in any obvious way.

Eventually, drugs, gambling, and just giving it away for parties/events was what burned it up. It was only pure chance that she was caught.

As to your situation, if'n it were me, I think I would move towards some kind of separation or at least separation of financial responsibility in order to protect yourself. As trust is restored, you can consider re-integrating your lives, but to be frank, it sounds like some pathological condition that's going to take much help to recover from, if ever.

I think your priority needs to be the kids at this point. Safety in terms of environment and parenting. Did you adopt her kids?

I am told if they reach a plea agreement, it could all be over by October 18 and I hope it is. If it goes to jury, who knows how long it will take. We live in a small rural community, time here has a way of moving very slowly with something like this.

Yes, I adopted my wife's youngest daughter. She was 15 at the time. Wife's older kids were already out of the house and on their own when wife and I met. I also have a son but he is 21 and living on his own. As I said the daughter "J" is 17 now, senior in high school and in college at the same time. Her stability through this all is my primary concern.

My wife's other 3 kids have very little to do with their mother. I have found this is because of the things from years ago in their childhood.

As for finances, I am already taking steps to seperate all of our monies. Thankfully we have no common maritial property and in our state there is no way she can get spousal support for a <3 year marriage. Especially with the lies. Acutally she committed purgery when we applied for our marriage license by telling the clerk that she had only been married 2 times before. My lawyer tells me in our state that is a breach of the marriage contract.

I don't think the trust will ever be returned, I also don't think the love will either. I have been through a similiar situation before and I refuse to go through it again.

Then unless I miss something, if you've adopted her, your W can't ship her off just anywhere... You'd be responsible.

I am new here too. I am living some of what you and your wife have gone through. My husband and I were married in 1998. I had been divorced with 2 small children. Things were wonderful. He was in school while we were first married and finished in 2001 with a degree in accounting and got a GREAT job. We had a child in 2000. In the fall of 2002 he started acting very irrationally and angry all the time, starting fights with me and the kids. I found out I was pregnant in January of 2003. Needless to say, it was quite a shock and more stress on an already stressful situation. I delivered 5 weeks early and after 3 weeks our baby became very ill and nearly died. She was hospitalized for many weeks at a time. My husband's behavior during all of this was atrocious. He was beyond the normal grieving parent. I couldn't talk to him without it turning in to a full blown fight. Well, after the baby was finally cleared and I thought things were getting back to normal, my husband lost his job. He admitted at the time to stealing $3500 from work. He was told if he made restitution they would not press charges. He thought I would ask him to leave. I chose to stay with him. I had 4 children to think about and I truly love this man. Well, after several months of not really knowing the actual amount, when the detectives showed up at our home, I learned that he took over $65,000. Some for himself, but mostly paid off huge credit card debt. It was stuff he got for the kids. The stress of all of this has been horrific. He went to trial, was convicted and fortunately received only 3 years probation in addition to restitution. The bad part was that the president of the company had been sending him to the bank while he was still employed there so they had an additonal $20,000 in bogus checks that we had to pay back. Things on a good day are stressed, bad days, I'd love to run. Ironically, we have become closer. No I don't completely trust him and I take care of all of the bills now and control the money. He has been in counseling and joined Debtors Anonymous. I never thought of leaving. He is having a difficult time dealing with all of this and is still very angry at himself for what he did. We are working through it. If you don't think you can get past what she did, leave and be there for your daughter. Be true to your heart. If you can't get over the lies and everything your wife had done, move on without her.