Hello,
I posted this in "Recovery", and was told to post it here as well.

I am an army soldier home on leave from Iraq. While home, I found out my wife had an affair. I got a two week extension to deal with this, and go back to Iraq the 30th of sept. I'm 99% certain she ended the affair. I have taken several precautions. I think she is still in the withdrawal phase because she is pretty unresponsive to my attempts to start rebuilding. My problem is that because I go back to Iraq soon, I need to accelerate things. I dont want "abandonment" to become an issue. We are taking a little weekend vacation to try and work a few things out, but I am easily discouraged because i dont see the forward progress that I want to see. She says she wants to love me again, but Im afraid I screwed up early on after i found out about the affair. I basically forced her to leave him (i threatened to ruin his life if she stayed with him (but she showed a willingness to leave him before i threatened, so i took it as a que to push a little. . .)). Can anyone help me?

I am so sorry you are in this mess. How long did her A last? Order the books here and have her read them HN/HN and surviving an Affair. These will help the 2 of you. I am so sorry you have to go back to Iraq. My son was there and I know how hard it is. listen when you go back keep your mind on that business you need to keep your self safe over there. I pray for you. This is something that will take awhile -do not love bust her at all right now. That was the hardest part for me.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Thanks for protecting our country. I appreciate your service.

By threatening to ruin his life, you may have just made them lay low for awhile. It would have been better to expose them, and go ahead and ruin his life. (I don't know what exactly you mean by that, though).

Is the other man married?

Ray,

That just sucks. The hardest part for her to quit her addiction to this OM will be the fact you will be so far away. Way too much free time for her to think about him, and you. Only problem is he isn't 1000's of miles from home.

Any chance you can get her to relatives out of the local area to assist with no contact, and getting over this addiction?

Her affair lasted 2-1/2 months. She says it didn't get physical untill the weekend before I came home (which is a tough pill to swallow, I'd think that me coming home would make her resolve to be faithful). He is a soldier, so I could have had his rank taken away, and he would've lost money, and his career would have suffered greatly. He is divorced.

Hello Ray,

I agree with your logic. It would not make sense to wait until the weekend before you got home. The effect would be just the opposite. I suggest you both be checked. Honesty is the key for any chance of recovery. He knew what he was doing was wrong and was willing to risk the consequences so I would not have a problem causing him trouble. I hope your wife will be honest with you because without honesty there will be little hope and trust for you to hold on to. I wish you luck.

Hi Ray,

I'm sorry you have to deal with this and return to Iraq in a few days.You must feel under enormous pressure and I can appreciate how badly you must be hurting.Do you have a return date? Any kids?

I agree with Bryan in that you should expose this man asap.I think this is the best way in which to help end the A permanently since you have to be gone again.If you were staying home,we could help you with plans and other tactics but this guy,as you also stated,knew what he was doing and what was at stake.You don't owe him any protection.

Unfortunately,you don't have a lot of time to accomplish much but wrecking the OM's chances at continuing this A without interference is an option.Everything is still very acute now and your WW isn't going to respond right away.She can't and most likely won't.I'm sure you heading back to service is playing with her decision making right now.When the cat's away.....

I'm sorry but there are no easy answers with your circumstances.But you are definitely not alone as there are several other service men/women here dealing with adultery too.

Maybe Mortarman will see this thread and help.He is great.

Hang in there.

O

Ray, I'm married to a soldier who had an A with another serviceman's wife while he (FOWH) was overseas, so I certainly empathize with you. And I'm SO sorry to hear that you have to deal with THIS on your R&R when you should be enjoying the time away from Iraq. Can I suggest something to you? Get to a chaplain, counselor, doctor, your CO, first sergeant, platoon sergeant, SOMEBODY when you get back to Iraq so you have someone to talk to. You need someone looking out for you while you're over there when things are too stressful to do it yourself--someone who will be willing to DO something if they see you getting too stressed out. Another suggestion--do you have anyone at your home base (near your wife) who will be willing to do some surveillance for you to be SURE your wife isn't leading a double life when you go back downrange? Minister, best friend, anybody?

Here's the deal with pulling something legal on the OM...if he's got kids, they are depending on their dad's career for child support. A court martial will ruin his career, yes, but you don't HAVE to press charges to that extreme. GO TO HIS COMMANDER!!! At the very least, he'll get a serious counselling, someone will watch his butt, and it'll be on record that he's been involved with your wife. That's what happened with my husband. He actually told his CO himself because he wanted the accountability. You NEED this guy's chain of command to get involved if he's going to STAY out of your life. Oh, and if it's on record, you can skip the whole exposure thing if he makes further contact with your wife and go straight for his career.

One of the conditions of her ending the affair was that I not persue legal action against him. So I told my chain of command to let it go. I will persue legal action if there is further contact. I dont know if giving in to that demand was a good idead, but you guys say not to "love bust" during this period in out marriage, so I didn't.

Ray,

Your WW is really in no position to be making demands of you like this one: not exposing the OM.I can tell you that that is a common threat WS's make in order for A) them to continue on with their affair, B) threaten you into doing what they want and C) not burning any bridges.

This should tell you that your WW is not fully honest about ending it.If she was she would be doing what she needed to end it once and for all but like I said,she probably isn't at that point right now.She can call it love busting and exposure does make them mad,naturally,but it's 100% necessary.There are a few exposure threads floating around here so you should do some reading if you get a chance.

Also,like camoknights wife said,if there are ways to make him less available to your WW and suffer some consequences rather than full blown firing and dishcarge then you can look into that but kids or not,this OM's ex wfe and kids shouldn't really be part of your decision making process here.Of course it would be bad if they suffered(lots of siffering going around) but your marriage is at stake.If we all stopped and took into account all these family members connected to Infidelity then there wouldn't be half the exposures and actions going on that take place now.

This is about you and your WW.Exposure is used to help end the A.To put a bright reality light on it so it can't flourish in secrecy.This is one of those acts we will always encourage to help end an A even though it is perceived by the WS as love busting.To say nothing is to give the both of them "permission" to keep going.This guy should know you mean business.

O