I think i smell a rat.

OC is 2.5 y/o and we have had contact literally since she was born. That contact has mostly consisted of every second saturday and alternate sundays. OW has never allowed overnights or holidays etc. She is the type that thinks that she and oc are a package deal and has never quite gotten over the indignity of losing.

We are in the UK by the way so the court system over here is screwed up the wazoo in favor of mothers. It has made some significant steps forward lately and h is begining to have hope that he can get a court ordered contact agreement that will give him/us overnight contact etc. we would like to aviod court if possible so have decided to try and negotiate with XOW once again.

So just over three weeks ago we present XOW with a letter spelling out how we see contact going over the next two years. We want either every second weekend from friday evening pick up at daycare to monday morning drop off at day care or at a weeknight and one night per weekend. We also wanted to be able to take oc on vacation with us, spell out what happens at Xmas and other holidays etc. So far xOw will only say that she is consdiering it and will get back to us asap.

For the last two weeks XOW has been claiming that OC has been having diarrohia and has taken her to the doctors who have taken a "sample" and are supposed to get back with the results this week. The problem is that every time we have had OC, there is not a trace of it. She is fine. She eats well, plays well, acts like a perfectly happy 2.5 year old. other than the occasional potty training accident, there is no problem with her.

I just have this terrible sneaking suspicion the XOW is going to try and claim this phantom illness is stress related and use it as an excuse to deny the visitation we have requested. She resents any involvement that h has in OC's life and jeez, dont get her even started on my involvement. OC does get stressed, but only when h drops her home and XOW goes off on one cause something is not to her liking (and there is always something!)

I guess my question is has anyone seen a XOW try a stunt like this before, and if so, any ideas for countering it. Short of videotaping OC on the potty (not really much of an option) i am at a bit of a loss.

Carolyn
***edited to correct my atrocious spelling***

Sorry you are going through this. Have you spoken to a lawyer? As you know since your H was not married to the woman at the time has no rights to the child in English law. It is changing but no where near the level of father's rights as in the USA.

I would suggest speaking to a solicitor in family law and see what can be done. Try and also be very careful on her calling CSA. They can and will go for everything. Again they tend to be worse than in the States.

I feel for you and your H. I cannot stress enough that you talk to a lawyer and know your rights. The laws are changing but are slow.

Moi, we have a solicitor whose advice is to negotiate with ow at every turn and to not involve the courts if at all possible. he is very good. rated one of the best in the country at family law. he thinks the courts are unpredictable at the moment and wouldnt like to see us go before a judge unless absolutely necessary.

he has parental resonsibility for the child. we had to threaten XOW with court to get that and she signed the papers through grittede teeth then.

i think she would be perfectly happy to have oc to herself, but of course continue to receive CS every month for the rest of OC's life. must be nice to be all rights and no responsibilty.

we have Cs set up as per CSA guidelines though the payment is not made through them, it goes direct to XOW. I like to call it the ****** tax but that is just me.

Thanks for your concern. much appreciated. i think if Xow tries this in either negotiation with us direct or at court, we are toast. hoping i am wrong as i actually love the oc and would like to have her about our house a bit more (not her fault her parent(s) were/are losers).

cheers

carolyn

That sucks the laws are so backward. Is this for unmarried couples or if he was married to her would he have more rights?

The xOW in our case had the idea that she and OC came as a package. Fortunately the US seems to be more pro father so my H did not have to jump through hoops to get visitation. He was granted visitation within one month of filing the petition with the court. Within a year OC was living with us 50% of the time.

Getting everything legalized by the court was the best thing we could have done. We had a legal document and everytime OW violated it we would take her to court. The judge hit her hard in the pocket book and it finally stopped. I wish you the best of luck.

I can't believe the UK is that far behind us in the USA. What other suggestions does your solictor (?) have? It seems like your ow knows she has you by the you know what. It's so sad when contact is present and someone has to be so diffuclult. I'm sorry your having to deal with this. I"d say if the child is almost 3 and knows you guys which it seems she does there should not be a problem. Especially if you start off slow. Is your H going to these doctor appointments too? I would suggest this big time!

Liz,

it does seriously suck! if he had of married her he would have had marginally more rights but not many. The problem is that the court is guided by the principle of the best interests of the child. Which sounds wonderful but in practice means that mothers will and do act with impunity because judges are reluctant to punish them for fear of harming the child i.e how can it be in the best interests of the child to jail the mother for contempt.

Things are changing, slowly. I think we can have a bit more confidence in the courts than maybe a couple of years ago, but it still seems to be a crap shoot.

i would love OC to live with us 50% of the time but it would never happen realisitically. i will just have to settle for living vicariously through you. lol.

Carolyn <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

NTMO, thanks for your response.

yes, the UK is 5 hours in front of, and 30 years behind the US in terms of family law. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

It is not right that the XOW can try and frustrate the OC's relationship with us this way. I think her plan is to concede just enough that we would find it difficult to go to a judge and say that she is refusing to negotiate. I am convinced this mystery illness thing is just another ploy to that end.

H is not going to the Dr's appointments. XOW would never allow it. i am not sure that i would be too keen on the idea either to tell the truth.

Carolyn

Well can he at least get the records of doctor reports? Or talk to the doctor personaly? Do you guys have the HEPPA laws there?

I know xmm can NOT get any info about her, but he has nc. Your h's does.

I can understand that you would not want him to go to doctors appointments, but under the circumstances, I would smell a rat too and also want to see what this doctor has to say about it, and let the doctor know that child does not have this problem at YOUR house.

Even if your diet was doing it, she would still have it probaly at least the first 12 hours at your house kwim?

Carolyn,

Have you tried contacting a few father rights groups. They might have some insight into what options you have along with your solicitor.

Since your H and the xow were never married I do not think you have a right to see the medical records only the mother. In England it is assumed that only the woman has a right to the child.

I agree with your solicitor it is a huge balancing act. I hate to say it but push but not to the point where you make her angry.

Sorry you are having to go through this. BTW did they take your salary into consideration when doing the figures for child support? I know a couple of women that happened to.

moi,

no, CSA didnt take my income into account and to be perfectly honest, if they tried i would divorce my h in a heartbeat. i am shocked that they would try to do that. i didnt think they could.

re the medical records, because he has parental responsibility i think he can access the medical records but i dont think it would be as simple as wandering into the doctors office and collecting them. i suspect a few solicitors letters may be needed. hopefully it wont come to that.

H is an active member of Families Need Fathers and he is making similar enquiries.

thanks for your thoughts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Carolyn

Carolyn,


I just know what happened to some friends of mine in rergards to child support. You were lucky. I say keep pushing little bit each time. Give her time to get use to the new step and then push again.

Wishing you the best.