Well, my situation is kinda new and this weekend i found out she was with OM. I called her and left furious voicemails. Later the next day i called back and left an apology voicemail that said i was sorry that i exploded but this is very hard for me to deal with. Now she wants to talk what do i do? Do i talk to her? Do i not respond? I fear this may be her way of saying..."im done just get over it" Either way i need advice and quick

Just listen.

take notes.

talk means nothing when your spouse is in the middle of an affair.

Expect to be lied to.

just listen

if you do that, she may blab on and on and give you extra clues

do not defend yourself ... JUST LISTEN

commit to listening ... that is all

Pep is right as usual. It may be hard to hear what she has to say but listen away and do not get angry. Stay calm but take notes. If you want take a small recorder and keep it in your pocket. Remember she is an alien now so do not expect much common sense from her at all. She will babble. Do not agree with anything she says just listen. Good luck come back and we will listen to you as you will needs upport here.

will do guys and thanks for the info...This is gonna be tough but if h311 is what i need to go through to maybe get my wife back then listening and not talking is exactly what ill do. ill be back on in a couple hours to update you guys and ask for sum next step advice

useful phrases:

"I want to understand what you are ____ " PICK ONE ---> saying, going through, feeling, experiencing

"I can see how much you are hurting. Tell me more."

"Thank you so much for sharing."

just benign comments like that

reveal nothing of yourself or your feelings or your position

reconnaissance only right now

well...we talked and the first thing she said was "i thought i made it clear that i want this to be done" ALTHOUGH the last time i had talked to her before she told me that she still needed to think about it and no matter what happened that this would work itself out one way or the other. Then she proceeded to apologize for being with the other man this past weekend and said she didnt mean to hurt me. It was at this point that i showed her MB and told her that she should come to this site to get support just as i have. She listened to sum of the things about what the site said about the WS point of view and she couldnt argue with the truth in it all. She also was not malicious, or foggy. Kinda threw me of guard. I then proceeded to tell her that she needed to cut the OM out and she agreed but would not write the letter "right now". that sounds bad to me.
But when it came down to it she said that she thinks she doesnt need to be with anyone right now and that shes getting an apartment.
I told her that her relationship with OM is probably doomed to fail and she said that she never intended it to be a real relationship anyways. I dont think i should have told her that but she seemed very sincere in her answers. Now that may just be me trying to find the good in all the bad but its all i have lately.
So, gimme what you got folks as to where i go next in all of this.
PS. i didnt loose my temper <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> and at the end of the conversation i told her that if shes ever depressed or hurting to just call me and i will help her through it as a friend(good/bad?)

fire away

She also said that she doesnt want to answer me on working things out right now because she does not want to get my hopes up. But she wont commit to a divorce either which is why i havent given up. Either way, what she says and what she does dont add up. But the MB site hit the nail on the head so much with her that i made her cry. It hurt her to hear that there are a million WS out there that are saying and doin the EXACT same things as she. Truth can be painful yet it can sumtimes set you free. OH and i also showed her "the lighthouse" post. Thats my absolute favorite post out of all the posts ive read. She didnt comment on it but it was one of the things that made her cry

really looking for some advice on this one...

I'm no expert on saving marriages but sounds like you are doing a great job!

Keep your cool and remember don't believe what your WS tells you. Usually it is 98% crap!

Make sure you're clear with what your expectations are for saving your marriage and then back off and let her figure things out for her self. Pushing usually is a really bad idea.

Hang in there you're doing great.

Miker

This is a LIE, LIE, LIE. She wants to move out and see if things can work out with OM. She believes that OM makes her feel sooooo goooood that if she knew it would last forever she would not hesitate to leave you. She's not certain right now. She can't put her finger on it but something is wrong with OM. You and I know what's wrong with him but she can't see it.

Whatever you can do to prevent her from moving out absent tackling her or force then do it. Cancel credit cards, withdraw all joint monies, etc. just do not support this decision. If she leaves Plan A only deems you provide her enough support to cover the basics. You want her and OM trial relationship to be as difficult as possible.


You are not her friend...you are her husband...you are not there to be a doormat to her feelings as she crushes you...Plan A requires you to swallow a lot but not that much. Search and read Pepperband's recent post about the Carrot and the Stick of Plan A. You make it easy for her to come back to you but very hard and uncomfortable for her to be with OM.

Finally, we do welcome her to come and post. My wife and I post regularly and it has helped us tremendously to discuss other peoples issues and resolve our conflicts in the 3rd person. I would behoove you to get her involved here. She won't like it at first but many here have been where she is today and we'll likely make her feel at home.

Heck, if she wants, have her email my wife at the address below and Mrs. Wondering will personally assist her without her having to succumb to any 2x4's on the board (which she may not be able to handle just yet). We've also got a nice file which you may want to obtain for her to read.

Good Luck, Mr. Wondering

Hello,

I think the previous post by Mr. Wondering was right on the mark. Your wife apparently feels it is acceptable to move out to an apartment to be able to see the OM and play some house with him without any intrusion on your part. If you believe she wishes to move out only to contemplate the universe then I have a bridge to sell you. The problem that I see is that clearly she is a cake-eater. She wants to see how things will play out with the OM. She knows that if he dumps her or she gets tired of playing around; you will be waiting to take her back with open arms. Meanwhile you are begging her not to divorce you.

The position you are in is not very attractive to the cheating spouse. You are giving a subtle message that there are simply no consequences to her actions and for her to do as she wishes at your expense. The bottom line is that most people do not find a doormat to particularly attractive. She knows you are waiting around and willing to be the second choice after she enjoys her sexual fantasy world with the OM. I believe this position engenders very little respect from the WS. If she knew you had no intention of putting up with this behavior maybe this will lead to a wake up call. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be so willing and accomodating as you?
At this point your wife has very little respect for you. Maybe it is time to respect you. I wish you luck.

well...ironic how pretty much Immediatly after i talked to her yesterday she called him (checked phone records). What a F%#$%@#$ load of [email]s@#$!!!!![/email] then she procceeded to call him several times afterwards. My god this is the hardest thing in the world to take. And as far as stopping her from getting an apartment goes...she has plenty of money to help her do that. I cant cancel CCs because she has tons that are in her name and we have no joint accounts at all. I dont know how i can stop her from getting an apartment. I did offer to move back to my folks so she can have the house...which would kill me to find out that OM may be here although i do have a friend staying here (he may be a deterent to her to bring OM down, or may be a deterent for her to even consider moving back into the house while i move out) Guys, this is tough. Toughest thing ive ever done in my entire life. I dont know where to go from here. So help help help me Please. Im at the desperate point...although im sure most of us are. I cant seem to get this Affair to end. She says that she knows its doomed to fail. She also says that she expects it to fail. She says it was never intended to work. I know those are probably lies but if she can make those connections in her own head than wont that sink in eventually? I hate all of this [email]S@#$[/email] its so hard just to get through the day. Its so hard just to function at some basic level of existance. I cant focus i cant eat i cant sleep. and finding out anything about her ongoing A sends me right back into the depression/anger/denial loop of death. I h8 this. by the way I want to give her her password to her Email so she can start using it to communicate with me and you guys but im afraid that if i do than shell just change the password and ill lose a valuable investigation tool. (she doesnt know her pass by heart and its written on a piece of paper here at our house)

I just dont know how to get her to end her A. She knows that with OM in the pic we cant begin to rebuild, and she seemed like shed think about writing a letter (although she said "i have to right now?" and i said "yes" and she said "i dont want to right now" and i said "because you still want to be with him" and she said....nothing. I told her that shes an addict and that dropping other man would be the hardest thing shes ever done but in order for us to work he needs to be cut out. She said...I know. ARGHARARGARGARGARGARG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i wanna stab sumthing. mostly OMs vital organs...with a spoon. why is it that she knows what has to be done but she just wont do it...Crack heads drive me nutz just like my WW. shes acting like a damn crack head
and it doesnt help that my one supporter...her mom is in the hospital. My ww wont even go visit her there. and she cant really help me any from a bed she cant get out of.
ARGAARGARGARGARGARG!!!!
this is not how i wanna start my day.

i know shes mixed up right now and cant really make a decision one way or the other but its very hard to implement an effective plan a with her not living in the house. That, and with no one to support her at her parents (due to a father thats always out and a mother in the hospital) My sil supports me but is telling my W to just not string me along. Sil says i should just accept that she wants to be with someone else. My list of supporters that know my wife are getting thin. I cant get her to end her affair and i really dont know what my next step should be at this point. anyone have any ideas?

another thing that intriques me is that as soon as i told her i was getting a checking account so i can pay the bills as they came to the house she switched them all over to pay-by-credit card and no paper bill options...wonder what thats all about.

another thing was that my WW talked to me about being angry that during my year of shutting down on her that she shouldnt have had to tell me there was sumthing wrong. She said she doesnt love me...doesnt even like me and is very angry at me. I told her i know. I said that i have discovered my faults and am beginning to work on them to benefit myself and if the future and her permits, my marriage will benefit. She didnt respond to that. But i will say that the only thing standing in our way at this point, imho, is the om and her reluctance to let him go

You are asking the wrong question.

Did you "JUST LISTEN" as advised.... ?

Do you remember why we advised you to "JUST LISTEN" ....?

so you could observe and pick up clues you miss if you are the one talking