Hello - not sure if I belong here or not - I am here because I think my husband is having an EA. Of course he denies it - adamentely - I am in IC - but still new so I dont have any real ground to stand on yet. The OP is our "best friend" - he works with her - and she just started to come over to our house every weekend about 3.5 years ago. She recently went through a rather nasty divorce. She has no life - or should I say our life is her life. He spends an enormous amount of time with her - and makes me very uncomfortable about it. He claims that she is his "safety net" that she is a buddy and would I rather him be out with a bunch of guys at the local bar (He is also an alcoholic). I have told him numerious times that I am uncomfortable with how much time he spends with her - especially when I am out of the house with the kids or busy doing something, yet he still continues as if I was fine with it. Is this an EA? I dont think there is a PA between them, just an EA. But again I could be completely wrong. There is no itimacy between us - we have no real conversations other than about the children or about finances, He has told me that feels sorry for her that she is alone and so he makes an effort to spend time with her. I on the other hand in turn have absolutely no self esteem now, I feel like I have no worth in his eyes, I am even on anti-depressents. When I apporached him about this on Saturday - he said that the only way he would be with her is if I pushed him away - and then he pointed out that I was doing that, so I ask, does this sound like an EA? Thanks for your thoughts.

Hi Shattered Heart - I'm sorry that you find yourself in this place, but it sounds like you need the people here. If I were a betting woman, I'd lay odds that your H and "good friend" are having an EA at the very least. Not to make you feel worse, but why would you think that it is not a PA yet? The red flags are waving like crazy and my guess is that it could very well be a PA. I don't say that to cause you more distress, but I was in denial that my H could ever do that and yet here I sit.

This person is no "friend" to your marriage and the fact that your H defends her is very telling. Bottom line is that if it makes you uncomfortable for her to be around your H that much, then he should respect that. To use the old - she is just my buddy or my safety net or my confidant routine is pretty standard for a cheating spouse. They will say anything to make it sound okay to their spouse - seriously. A WS will tell lies that a three year old can see through if they think it will divert attention from what is really going on.

You are in the right place and you have every right to ask your H not to spend time with this woman. He should be doing less defending of this person and more defending of his wife.

It sounds like you could benefit from starting in what MB calls Plan A - which I don't have a link for, but it is on this site. Try doing a search. Good Luck - unfortunately you are not alone..................

Dear Shattered,
Sorry to hear of your situation. SG is right in that this is a good place to be to get solid advice and develop online support and friendship.

Let me give you a man's perspective, since I am one. I could be wrong but my gut tells me your H is probably already past the EA and into the PA. Several things you mention lead me to that position.

I played the trusting one and never gave a second thought to my W getting closer to one of our friends a few years ago. He worked on the same staff as I did and she did volunteer work for him. The short story is that for almost a year they both did "volunteer work" for each other (wink). I found out a few years after the PA had ended, but had evidence that the EA was still current.

All that to say...I wish I had acted on my first instinct and been tougher. It might have saved a lot of heartache.

One last thought: When the natural boundaries of marriage are breached, needs aren't being met, and you feel uncomfortable about "anything"...it's time to be tough and act.

I dont know why I refuse to think that this has progressed into a PA. I am so unsure of myself and what I want and need. All this time we have been "friends" - I guess I have been a major enabler and basically invited them to get invloved. They both have said that they would step back - but it has not happened. When I approach my "friend" about it - she gets very defensive and short in temper with me like I am hurting her - for even thinking I would question their relationship like that. She swears that she thinks of him like a brother - platonic, but I fear that is a lie. They work in the same building - sometimes they go to lunch together. Sometimes they will carpool in together when the opportunity arises. She goes with him to buy me gifts (My birthday is this friday) he is never able to do anything by himself. If we get into a fight, he goes - you guessed it - to her house. She lets him drink as much as he wants, takes him to 711 all the time - I refuse to buy it. He tries to avoid my family. It makes me very uncomfortable, the closeness they share - why cant he enjoy spending time with me? I asked him why he married me - you would think that is a pretty easy question to answer - his reply was that I was a warm body to come home to!? I am so torn, I am furious, hurt, jealous, tired. I feel like I am going crazy. I see my IC on Wednesday - so hopefully he will be able to provide some insight.

Hi SH,

Please go to the General Questions II forum so you can get more help from there. IMHO, I am sure PA has occurred. Your first order of business is to snoop until you get hard evidence of what is really going on. They will deny, deny, and deny unless you have hard evidence. Go to GQII and post your sitch.

Best

Hi SH,

I feel for you because you are going through just a double whammy of pain, betrayal by both your spouse and your friend.

Posting on the GQ II board is an excellent idea. There are many vets there who have successfully dealt with this kind of mess.

Reading, the following three texts is also helpful:

Divorce Busting - Michele Weiner-Davis
Surviving An Affair - Dr. Willard Harley/Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers
His Needs Her Needs Willard Harley Jr

This site has many excellent articles to refer to as does the divorcebusting site.

You will need to create or tap into a support network for yourself - that extends beyond the IC. Ironically, right now you need to put yourself first. Taking care of you is really important, the levels of stress you are going to endure - can debilitate one completely and make it difficult to work on the marriage.

Best model to think of in this situation is that your spouse is crazy. He is in a mind clouding fog where no rational, honest or responsible thought is going to occur. You have to be prepared for that. Ultimately, this is a very difficult situation to Plan A in because the hurt just leaves you so raw. At the very least, try not to lovebust.

It is also important to acknowledge to yourself that this doesn't happen unless needs are not being met in the marriage. People are never as bad as you think likewise they are seldom as good as you think.

You need to get the OW out of your lives. Keep her out of your house away from your family. Exposure at work, exposure to her family, to your family - are all things to consider. Frankly, the moment your WS puts another woman ahead of you in importance is proof of an affair. Given the amount of time they spend together when both know it makes you unhappy - the veiled threats - this kind of situation is more dangerous than a PA of short duration. Once romantic feelings are engaged - rational thought is impossible.

Remember although the pain can be all consuming your husband is not the sole sum of your existence. You have to work hard on perspective... When dealing with two crazy people - you need to be calm, cool and sane....

Praying for you...

PB

Hi shattered,



I'm sorry you are here as is the rest of us in our pain.
I don't blame you for feeling totally uncomfortable with that situation. This does sound like an EA. Has he ever spent the night at her home? Maybe you could sit down with the friend and tell her what your husband told you.
Try to make her see that now his visits with her have interfered w/ your marriage and ask her if she could agree to never have your H alone at her house. Tell her if she is a friend she will honor your request. She is a great threat to your marriage and your H has expressed that.

The second thing is is that you are dealing w/ an alcoholic also. Not easy because he is already not on a rational thinking level most of the time anyway. Does your H drink with her? I have had a lot of addiction in my family and a lot of good recovery also, but right now am dealing with a H who relapsed and cheated on me and is addicted to pharmacuetical drugs. I was advised today to go to Alanon. It's a support group for people that have to deal with alcoholics/addicts in thier family/others. I am seriously thinking about it. Maybe it would be good for you too. There are Alanon meetings in every city and you could probably find one in your phone book.

It seriously looks like your friend and H are getting to chummy, and I hope there is a seperation of them ASAP!!

Love and Prayers, Lady

Thanks everyone - certainly a great deal to think about. I have already read HN HN and so has H by the way, but there was no comment. I am not sure how I can fight this by myself. Everyone says that I can save my marriage on my own, but I feel like he has to at least meet me halfway - and I dont think he is willing to do that - or is too dumb to recognize how much pain I am in becuase of this "friendship". Am I pushing him away? I dont know. Stupid me, I have been telling my "best friend" all of my concerns about him and the way he acts towards me - except leaving out how uncomfortable I am when she is over all the time. He does give her much more attention than he does me. As a matter of fact - when we are together by ourselves - we have NOTHING to talk about except the children and money. I am trying to put my craziness aside and flirt with him - just littel things - short emails, text messages, etc. But I dont really have the heart to do this when I think he could be betraying me and with my best friend. My bday is Friday - and I was thinking (I always have to make the plans) that we could dump the kids at the grandparents house for the weekend and go to the beach - just him and I - but already that plan has crashed - he didnt even suggest that his parents watch the kids - just said whatever is fine with him. Now our anniversary is Valentines Day and this year I rented a cottage in the mountains with a grand view of the Shaandoah River with a secluded hot tub - you would think I set the stage for a very romantic weekend - NaDa! Nothing - no itimacy at all - nothing. So that also makes me think something is going on, but yet I still stand here with my eyes closed like nothing is happening. This has to be my fault somewhere, what have I dont wrong that has him looking elsewhere. Its not like I am not trying to work at it, I just can not do this myself. And of course he is deny, deny, denying that there is anything but platonic friendship going on. SHe is his "Safety net". We dont have any other friends we hang out with - that sort of halts when you have young kids, we dont go anywhere together. Maybe we should just move to a different city - where I know there will be no contact between them at all - because right now they work together and no contact is impossible. I just dont know what to do. I dont want to make a mistake and ruin my marriage if he is not having an A.