W/S just called. He is bubbling over with excitement. He is not only is going to shoot hundreds of ducks at a field dog trial next weekend, but a few weekends after that he has been invited to shoot ducks for a two day event then. We are talking events that start early am., and the party afterwards does not end until 8:00 at night. Husband came home last weekend from field trial at 9:00 pm with ds. My husband and my son both shoot together and have made a great impression on the people that put these events on.
I casually mentioned on those weekends I never see him, and he told me that was too bad, these weekends make him so happy.
I am not happy. Not at all.
(By the way, so no one has to ask, I am still happy on the surface and am not committing any LB's, I'm doing all my venting hear, where it is safe, Thank you mbers.)
BTW, this is why w/h needs a new under and over gun, because in the official trials, the hunters that shoot the ducks have to use this type of shotgun for safety sake.
Fuming................ He just spent 1700.00 on new shot gun two weeks ago, and now he is looking at 2,000. to 3,000. for new shotgun. ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!XXXXXXXX******
He had asked me last week after the first field trial if I wanted to attend the trial. I was so excited. Well, guess what. His employee who invited him, will not be there, due to his wife going to a dog show, and him having to babysit the puppies at home.
So, Hubby doesn't feel right inviting me to the trial. So, while we are supposed to be working on our marriage together, my mid life crisis, wandering spouse is going to be spending his time duck hunting, elk hunting and everything else that does not include ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just call me the hunting widow.............
I'd like to tell him where to stick his gun!!!!!!!!
All the while I have this sweet smile pasted on my face, playing cheerleader/doormat/waitress/etc., waiting anxiously to fulfill his next desire or need.
I am luck to get a ride around the block with him.
Our conversations.
Me: I am going to church, would you like to go with me?
Him: No, I don't think so.
Me: You want to do something today with me?
Him: No.
The only times I get to go with him is when it serves his purpose too.
To Big 5, to look at guns.
To his mother's facility, (he doesn't like to go alone now, he has problems looking at other dementia residents.)
A ride to the mountains to scout for deer. (preparing for deer season.
The World Revolves Around Wandering Spouse and All The Things His Little Heart Desires........... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
When will the Wander Spouse Selfishness End?????
I am getting so tired.

Just a quick thought. Have you ever shot a gun? Perhaps you could sign up for some lessons or join a women's skeet shooting event. Plan A includes expanding your interests independent of WH. Don't ask for permission just start doing it. Maybe he'll want to join you instead of you trying to join him. Men love to be the authority and when he eventually gives you pointers you get to give him admiration.

Shooting is not my idea of fun but I'm just trying to help you look for the silver lining.

Mr. Wondering

Actually Mrs. Wondering, I had already expressed an interest in shooting clay pigeons. We are planning on buying me a shotgun so that we can both do this together. I love shooting his hand gun, and actually am a very good shot. (When ds was little, I used to play guns with him and used to line things up in his toy scope.)
I became acurate without actually firing a shot by playing with my son's toy gun.) Go figure.

My step-father was a hunter and willed most of his guns to my w/h.
I would shoot ducks all weekend long, if I thought I could spend time doing something that not only made w/s happy, but allowed him to get his ens filled by sharing a recreational sport with me.

Actually duck hunting is a kick!!

You sit in the blind for hours at a time and occasionally stand up and shoot at a duck or goose flying over. Much one on one time in the blind. I have had my share of fantasies sitting alone in a duck blind!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Some guys are total hunters. Sounds like you hitched your wagon to one of them. Hasn't he been like this all through your M?

At least it is keeping his mind off the OW. Which is a good thing, yes?

$3,000 for an over/under seems a bit much!! He is going for the cadillac of shotguns. Sounds like he goes to extremes when he is enthused.

No way to compromise on the gun?

k

Dear Krusht,
W/H is going through mid life crisis as well as being in withdrawel from o/w.
He was an avid hunter before we got married. He stopped doing this after we got married, not that I asked him to. He would occassionally hunt with some of his buddies from work, but over the years the needs and demands of his aging parents took a toll on his free time. (When he rewrote history, It was all my fault of course.)
He is in the stage of life where he is regretting the things he hasn't done. Hunting makes him happy. Its not that I begrudge him being happy, I just want to be part of his happiness. He has no desire to give me anything at all that would remotely make me happy. Nothing.
For example, I wait on him hand and foot. If I get something for myself, I ask him If I can get him something. He, on the other hand, will get himself something and never bother even asking me if I would like something also.
He used to hold the door open for me when walking in a place. Not now, he goes in first and doesn't bother holding the door open.
Like I said, he goes out of his way to do stuff that doesn't include me, and in no way will make me happy. This goes against the way he used to be, when he was my caring husband, not w/h.
We went and looked at guns that were at Big 5. They were cheap and made out of plastic. These went for 500.
I think he is going to another place that sells used guns. So, maybe he will be able to find a quality gun, at used price.
I would gladly be his hunting partner if that made him happy and allowed me to spend time with him.

kd,

No big, but just to clarify, it was Mr. Wondering that posted to you re: shooting...he and I both post under The_Wonderings, and then just sign Mr. or Mrs....wanted to let you know, so that you could better understand whose point of view you were getting when either of us post...

Mrs. Wondering

Sorry for my mistake Mr. and Mrs. Wondering. I should have payed closer attention.
The kicker about the event two weeks from now is the fact that it will require staying overnight out of town. I will be asking to go to that event, regardless.
No sooner than all of this will be over, my husband will be going to Oregon to do some serious elk hunting for a couple of weeks.
Him, him, him, and more him. fuming................

Kd,

I recommend you read Mulan's thread entitled "You're trying to control me". It is a difficult read but some of it may appeal to you. IMO your needs are irrelevant in Plan A.

I believe you are just venting here but you may be allowing yourself to over-accumulate resentment which can be a stumbling block to recovery. No doubt your husband is being a $hit. But, at least he's hunting duck instead of beaver. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

ACT OUT

Hi Kdsheartbreak:

Your thread caught my attention as I was just sitting here on the computer wondering if I am crazy myself. I too have a hunter, golfer, pool player for a partner.

Tonight he has gone to play in a pool league that he joined last week after deciding without my input, to foregoe our joint weekly pool night out (even though I usually just watch) to participate in this weekly event by himself.

To add insult to injury, he bought a new beagle pup a month or so ago for hunting and now I get to look after that if I'm home as well. As I am not a big animal person this seems unfair and when I brought this up, he said I could go out myself if I wanted to and to my way of thinking, he was giving off the attitude that I was being a nag for even voicing disapproval. This, after on my day off I went and got the groceries, cooked the supper, did the dishes and looked after the dog. I'm feeling very unhappy.

His taker is still working overtime and I'm getting pretty p'd off. I too have waited on him hand and foot for the last two years - done everything he wants, breakfast in bed every weekend, I took up golf, went to our hunting camp and cooked and cleaned with that big smile on my face as well. This, I have done for two years and he even admits that I have no worries about him being interested in anyone else as he is soooo happy! I would be too, if I got treated the way he does.

I think what I have done wrong is kept up this one-sided lovebank deposits for way too long out of fear and now I've boxed myself into a corner and have no clue how to change the rules this far into recovery but I'm getting really tired of this.

Don't get me wrong, we are miles ahead of where we were on D day but every time I try to bring up how I'm feeling it's a big loverbuster for him. He does do things for me once in a while but in no way is it comparable to my way of thinking.

If I were you, I would not be as afraid as I was and with suggestions from more experienced posters, figure out how to get your needs met without lovebusting now before the years add up and you get totally frustrated with the unfair treatment.

Dear Yoko,
Your post is just what I am worried about. I am worried that my husband is never going to recover and become a giver. That his taker will be permanetly in charge and as soon as I ask for something that requires something from him, he will act out to squash any type of thought that will prevent the one way relationship from changing. Like you said, who wouldn't want a relationship where you are valued, waited on, having the final say whether you want to do something, where your partner's whole being is spent waiting to do your bidding. Sounds pretty cushy to me.
Its just like I used to tell my husband, I hate housework, and when I go to work, I am going to hire someone to come clean for us once a week. He threw an absolute fit over that, stating he didn't want anyone to have access to all his private things while he wasn't home, hmmmmmmmmm........
I then said, well are you going to help me do housework.
"NO." Yeah right. Why should he change something that is good for him. Thats pretty much the unsaid words out of husband's brain.

One of my problems is that I haven't developed any interests of my own. Perhaps that is what you should do. I sat here tonight trying to think of what I could do on my own and it's really pretty sad that I couldn't think of anything.

I know that it is unhealthy to be joined at the hip as we are (we work at the same institution (16 years) so go to work together though in different areas; lunch together, come home together) but even after two years of recovery, I feel insecure when he goes out on his own and I really hate feeling like that. Why don't I have enough self esteem to get over it? So when partner arrives home tonight, I'll be here waiting as usual or go out driving to nowhere just to make a statement that I have a life (which I don't really).

Because of circumstances, I am cut off from most of my family the last couple of years even though they live in the same town. That is another sad story that I won't go into now. But as I sit here pondering, I have to admit that it is not all bad, as I have a son overseas who is coming home unexpectedly next week to stay with us for a while and he is being very supportive of that (not his bio child but helped bring up since he was 12) and has always let both of my children come home and supported me helping them even as they turned into adults.

The OW in our case still works at the same institution that we do (though we do not see her now and haven't for at least a year and he lunches with me everyday since D-day)and when rumour had it that she might apply for a job that was coming up in his area, went to his boss immediately and told him that if he considered hiring her, he would turn in his resignation (this without any prompting on my part). Of course, that is exactly what he should have done isn't it?

And yes, I'm not looking forward to hunting season. He has taken up bow hunting as well just to extend the season and also rabbit hunts until the end of February. He will not take vacation with me in the summer, to save up time for hunting (oh except for the days he takes off for golf). Unfortunately, my B-day falls in the first week of deer hunting and last year I spent it at the camp (with no running water)just to be supportive of his interests. I got a card and a cake that came from a convenience store that was so stale you couldn't even eat it. I won't even mention what he received on his. But then on V-day he went out and spray painted a heart in the snow and gave me a lovely locket and even put the pictures in it. Of course, he had to say take a picture as he wasn't romantic and it probably would never happen again!

To end this ramble, I think we need to find happiness within ourselves because I for one do not want to spend whatever time left on this earth feeling so bad and hoping for another person to change it.

Sorry for venting on your post but if you need any support or need to vent, I'm here for you.

ACTdontreact,


I have to disagree with you. The plan to recovery after an A is not for the WS to do as he will and for the BS to become a doormat!

As stated by Steve H. on this site regarding plan A:

So, IMHO, the plan to recovery needs to include the BS stating what needs the WS needs to meet for complete recovery. I just don't believe that the BS does it all and has none of his/her needs met. Does this line of thinking not go against the whole idea of "his needs/ her needs"? Did not the WS have an A because his/her needs were not met? So, now why should the BS not have his/her needs met?


kdsheart..
I really think you need to have your needs met as well. I just cannot believe that it should be one sided. Afterall, will you not grow resentful if your needs are not met? What was your plan to recovery? Did you express your needs? I imagine that the BS does put up with a lot, but I cannot believe you need to turn into a doormat.

I feel for your pain...
take care...

Daisy

Daisy,

You are entitled to your opinion. I think kd was venting here anyway. She is not yet in Yoko's shoes. The affair just ended a few weeks ago. I hope eventually kd's husband gets with the program. Right now I am just happy he is done with OW. However, I do not believe he has overcome his sense of entitlement. I think with more love bank deposits kd will soon be in a position to begin negotiating and addressing with H her needs. Hopefully, he will realize he ignores kd's needs at his own peril. An amazing wife that was willing to stay with/love him despite his affair, despite his misgivings, despite his inconsideration. He needs a labotomy if he doesn't open his eyes to what he has got and how he may lose it if he does not work on himself.

I referred her to the control thread as it is a debate about controlling spouses and properly negotiating needs. I think we all agree hunting is not the problem. He can hunt all he wants as long as he meets kd's needs. Kd needs to find healthy strategies, utilizing open and honest communication, to attempt to get WH with the program. IMHO, resentment is not a tool which will assist with this process.

I wish you well.

ACT OUT

Act,
I did go to the thread you were talking about. But to tell you the truth it was extremely long and I didn't have the time to finish it. I also wasn't following what the point was. I didn't know if they were saying bs are trying to control the w/s or if it was about w/s controling the bs. I was totally confused. I do need a crash course in learning how to communicate effectively. My w/h as of right now is very, very sensitive to anything I have to say and takes offense at the slightest thing. I have to choose my words and times very carefully. I have not had the courage to bring up relationship or other matters other than day to day comments, nothing deep or about our relationship.
I do need to know when is the right time to approach w/h with my needs to continue mc or his needs her needs material.

ACTdontreact

I agree with you here...

I guess I have been seeing a lot of plan A on MB and a lot of the times the BS just puts up with everything and sits on his/her feelings, gets no needs met. etc....I guess it works for some of them...but a lot of people just end up going to PlanB.

In kh's case, WS has stopped seeing the OW, so she is in luck and I guess the process to complete recovery is hard and does at times require the work of one spouse more than the other....just wanted to get my thoughts out there...

Take care <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Daisy

KDH
My Squid has had a steely self-serving streak running through her all our marriage. In fact I was going to write "SELFISH" but I thought that made Squid sound bad, but its true. Selfish. Entitled, whatever.

Not all the time, but when what SHE wanted to do clashed with somethng I wanted to do she'd either do her thing without guilt or (rarely) concede to my point of view and deliberately ruin it for me by sulking.

I must make clear that 99% of the time she was lovely ! But this has always been an unpleasant trait. I "dealt" with it by avoiding conflict. Yeah, THAT was successful !

Also Squid turned 40 and went crazy. Swapped a NEW funky minivan for an old crazy japanese sports war machine. HURLED herself into her sport and keep fit. Bought teenaged clothes. Spent three night sper week at karate lessons and most weekends at karate competitions travelling. Loud chart music on in every room in the house at all times.

She had an affair wth the senior instructor of her sport that started on a competition trip to Italy ( that I paid for a booked time off work to babysit for).

So KDH, you can see your H isn't the first entitled WS who also had a mid life crisis! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Now the good news:

Squid has VOLUNTARILY quit external competitions and we even POJA those two or thee per year, an with me helping out as an official. ( I HATE This but , hey Squid's really TRYING to rebuild my trust, y'know?).

She attends karate 2 nights per week, but cancels them in a heartbeat if there's a family reason or if I ask her to. Sheknos I will only ask if I feel theres a good reason.

She doesn't sulk or anything.

She is ashamed and EMBARASSED at her behaviour before, during and immediately after her affair. She says "I went crazy there, no other explanation" when she reviews what she did: how she thought. So she doesn't yet comprehend teh dynamics of infidelity, but she does at least recognise it as abberrant behaviour.

So Squid was at LEAST as entitled and selfish as your H is over his shooting.

So how did I help change her heart ?

1. Praying. God is STILL working on Squid's heart. Ask Gimble, who has been helping me formulate a prayer approach towards Squid.
2. Practicing not being a CA. I learned diplomacy and diplomatic language. I do not avoid conflict nor provoke it. I just handle it now. I wish I'd learned this 20 year sago.
3. Behaving towards Squid persistently in the way I would like to be treated. POJA, Transparency, PORH is not just for the FWS else it looks like a 'punishment'.
4. Letting go. " babe, you can leave and I will be sad, but I don't want to here in our lives if you will only hurt us" She HATED this. She wanted me to FORCE her to quit karate and commit to her role in our family so she could resent me, but I didn't. Thats why boundaries work IME. Because your spouse has to choose to abide by them.

Scary thing is you have to be willing to defend them. Thats' the hard bit.

So KDH, have heart - if SQUID can change to become a GREAT , unselfish Mom and wife once more, I am sure your H can with proper farming ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I found that MarriegBuilding helped me stay out of the way in a positive way while God worked on Squids needs, hurts and issues. Really. MB means not meddling , but setting and example and broadcasting boundaries.

Take heart KDH. Even your H can be changed if you let God.

{{{{KDH}}}}

Thank you everyone for your encouragement and support. I still have my question though.
When is the right time to approach w/h with recovery plan, questioneers, and figure out how to eventually heal our marriage?
He is totally against mc right now.
He also thinks I Psycho-analyze him and his behaviors, compliments of Marriage Board Builders.com Lol.
He thinks that marriage books mean well but don't work, therefore he meets anything out of my Harley books with skeptisism, and does not want to participate in anything they might offer.
How do I ask him to participate in the his needs/ her needs recovery plan if he is so against it?
Does anyone have an example of how to encourage him to participate???????

Marrigebuilding came WAY after just getting Squid involved in the family.

Poor Cinny is a case in point of how pointless it is to engage MC etc when a WS is not ready.

Yoru H must be considered to be still in an active affair, KDH. You need to expose, plan A, do ALL YOU CAN to stop his affair.

It is my feelings you have backed off doing this because he was so angry with your early efforts at this.

What I did ?

Well during plan A, I bought new clothes, looked great. Smelled great. $50 haircut. New sexy underwear.

Dressd to impress and went out with friends a coupl e of times per week.

Took the kids out bowling and on adventure days a lot, and invited Mom but didn't stop if she didn't want to come.

Basically made myself attractive not just to Squid but to OTHER women too !

It made Squid DREADFULLY jealous ! Made he realise what she was playing with losing.

Only when she maintained NC for a GOOD long time did I start introducing MB concepts etc to her. Even now she is yet to read a book on teh subject.

but thats OK.

I don't want an infidelity academic - I want a great wife and mom !

KDH, you need to stop his affair before you can consider yourselves ready for marriage study.

You ready to lose the cheap peace you have today in investing in ending your HS affair ?

Dear Bob,
The only person left to expose to is the owh. I have contemplated that. I don't think W/H is involved with o/w now, but are we ever sure.
I can guage my husbands guilt and determine if he is still involved. When he was actively seeing and talking to her, he was on the phone to friends and office friends all the time. I think to live with his guilt, he had to be talking to other people that like him, just to look in the mirror. (None of his friends know about the EA) (Only family, and o/w's work know about the EA)
He is now calm, stable and no longer having to be on the phone all the time.
I had to up my cell phone plan minutes during the height of the affair to 1400 minutes, and he even went over that.
Now, our combined minutes only are 500 right now. We won't even get to the 1000 mark this month.
I am still on alert though. I will never let my guard down, or will place complete trust in my husband.
I am very sensitive to everything he says or does, and eye everything with skeptisisim.
Bob, did you and Squid fill out the questioneers for emotions, recreation, lovebusters, etc.?

P.S.
I understand the cheap peace remark, really I do, but until I see evidence of continuing affair, I won't expose to owh.
My husband reads like a book, and wears guilt like clothing. He has not given off any of the signs of continued affair.
By the way, the other day, I borrowed ds's jeep, went undercover to see if o/w was going to meet with w/h. He had called earlier in the day to say he had an outage in the area and would not be home til 7:30.
At exactly 5:30 I saw him cross the intersection in his truck, I was in ds's jeep and three cars behind in the cross lane. He did not see me.
About 10 minutes later he called me from home and wondered where I was. I then had to do some creative thinking and told him I had taken ds jeep to get it washed. He had gotten off early and had gone home.
So, yes Bob, I am still checking.
If I feel that I need to do more snooping, I will rent a car the next time.
If I sense there is an ongoing affair, I will be contacting owh. I know where he works and the hours that he works.