This is the last straw. My 15 yr old son is breaking and I can't allow this to go on anymore....

Son is having a hard time and is on the verge of a break down. SIL called WH and talked to him and he said he was not sure if he would have time to see DS tonite before he leaves. she said he was concerned but asked her what can I do about it?

I am now on the verge of losing my mind. I am so angry. I know I am in planb but at this point I really don't care anymore. I think I need to just let him have it tonite. I am seriously considering going out to OW's home tonight if he does not come see the kids. I don't care if I LB all over the place. He is killing my kids with all of this crap. It's time for some reality to slap him in his face and this fantasy life of his is crap.

I know I may blow any chance of saving my marriage with this but my children have to come first. I can not stand by and watch this anymore.

Hurting:

Please calm down and think about this.

What is talking to your WH going to accomplish?

I believe we have touched on this before. In reality, you are the only parent for your children right now. Talking to your WH and trying to convince him to step up to the plate is going to be like beating your head up against a brick wall..


Getting angry with him may help YOU feel better but it won't help your children or your marriage...

THEY..all of them...need for you to try to be the strong one now...

That's been the point of PLAN B....

I know mimi but I just can't let this happen anymore....

I really don't think he is ever going to get it.

I just don't see how he can not see what is happening to his own children....

I am so angry right now I can't even see straight....

My child is hurting and its because of his a$$ of a father and this man acts like he does not care....

So what are you going to accomplish by talking to him?

Probably nothing.

He is so far in lala land he won't get it.....

I guess it would just make me feel better.....

I just don't want my son to think I won't do anything for him...

Mimi I am really beginning to think he does not care anymore about his kids. OW and her child seem to be all that matters anymore.

I am not sure how much more my kids can take, before they are done with him.....

Dear Hurting,
You are acting like a lioness protecting her little cubs. I know that is your natural response, responding with anger, because it hurts you so deeply to see your children hurt by his inconsiderate behavior, but this is counter productive. Like Mimi says, what will this confrontaion accomplish. You can't control your w/h. The only thing you can do is to be there for your children, with full control of your emotions. This will make them feel like you have a handle on things and everything will eventually be ok.
The consequences of your w/h ignoring his children will have consequences. Let your husband be the one that pays for his behavior. You are there for your children. This is what they will remember. We cannot shelter our children from life's cruelties. Unfortunately, this is one of lifes painful experiences. Your children will come through this, and if you have been their rock of stability, they will remember and appreciate your faithfulness and commitment to keep your family together.

It is all part of the FOG..

THE FOG is REAL and cannot be broken with LOGIC, REASON OR TEMPER OUTBURSTS.

Like the other person states, your reaction is normal. How else could you as a loving mother feel?

Your son will watch you fail, Hurting.. Because as I said before, a confrontation with your H will accomplish absolutely nothing.

Your son will watch you descend to your WH's level..

The best you can do is to show your son that you are HIS ROCK, HIS SHELTER IN THE STORM....

Your WH can change, his R with his children can heal..

However, he will have to do this on his own, in his own time...

You can't rush it...

If you intervene now, you will PROLONG this PROCESS...

In his state of mind, he will use any action of your part to JUSTIFY HIS CONTINUATION OF THE A....

Remember he is AN ALIEN, TEMPORARILY INSANE...LOST IN A DRUG-CRAZED ADDICTION....

Your son knows how much you will do for him.
Exert your energy in the right place. Find other support for your son.

Your WH is not the person to help you.
If your kids are done with him, that is a consequence he will have to deal with. YOU MUST NOT PROTECT HIM FROM THIS. Calling him to help with your son is a TEMPORARY FIX.
He will get the temporary "high" of feeling like a participating parent. You just prolong the situation.

hurting: I hope you take deep breaths and call in your support network to keep you from taking this step. No action involving your WH is required, needed or will be helpful right now.

From what I've read, in following your situation: you've been wanting to contact your WH so badly in the past couple of weeks. You've been talking repeatedly about how hard his going on the road will be for you.

And now you have your reason, the one that resonates so cleanly with you -- you HAVE to talk to him because of your son!!!

And yet, you know it won't have a positive outcome. You know that you don't control your WH.

What I see you doing (like with so many other BS, like it was with me) is fighting mostly with yourself -- to stop trying to control him, to change his mind, to get him to do what you want.

Stay strong hurting. Stay walking with mimi who's walked this path before you and can help as much as you'll allow her to.

All the best to you,

Merge

Edited to add: on occasion, I had to call in my support network to help me through a bad patch. This might be the toughest thing we BS have to learn to do -- to change our part of the pattern, even though we weren't consulted about a pattern change at all! We must work with what we really have, not with what we wish we had, or what we formerly had.

Stay strong hurting! I know it is difficult, confusing and deeply painful.

Do something with your son tonite - instead of sitting around or yelling at your WH. Tell your son we are going out and going to have some fun. Special attention helps every child. I know I went thru the same with my XH -his 2nd son has not spoken to his Father in years. From all his neglect with him and you know what he is a great kid -but boy its hard on us mothers. Death would be to easy for them. I had to be a rock. I did not make excuses for his father - but I was there for him. I told son straight out that is the way his father is and I could not change him. I love my son so much I would do anything for him. Its ok sometimes we can not fix everything but we can teach them how to deal with disapointments.

TY Kd,
I know you and Mimi are right. I just can't imagine allowing him to get away with type of behavior.

I do know nothing I say will penetrate his fogged up head. So far nothing has.

I am beginning to wonder though is it really fog or confusion or is it real????

Do I want to wait around to find out? In the mean time my kids are hurting and missing their father.

I am missing my H ... but is he really in the body that looks like him?

I just don't know what to believe anymore. I just can't imagine someone that far in the fog they would treat their kids like this....

MEET MY FWH and other WSes...

YOUR H IS ABSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENT THAN MINE WAS....

Our son was a star athlete and WH didn't come to his games..didn't want to spoil Friday nights with OW....I could go on and on, Hurting..

I think MERGE is onto something..

Your unconscious is telling you to get with him before his trip out on the road....

FIGHT...FIGHT..FIGHT...THIS URGE.....

Ok you all have convinced me to leave it alone....

I don't want to prolong this any longer than it has to be.

WH will just have to pay the consquenses of his actions. And if his children decide they are done thats on no ones head but his own.

I just pray someday he wiil figure all of this out before its to late.

You may be right Mimi and Merge ..... I guess my mind is telling me without realizing it I need to see WH before he leaves. And I do know all that would do is set me back.... I never realized how hard this was going to be....

Hurting-take care of your DS. Right now in my case I am so pissed at WW and her actions to DD, it will put me in plan B. Take care of your son, as you will have more impact on him than you ever will with WH while hes in the fog.

my experience with this as late is that while h is in the fog there is no point wasting your oxygen on him. I too am having huge problems with my kids who are 8. although wh has agreed for them to go to counseling (which shocked the heck out of me) anything I say about how they are doing, how they cry all the time, how can he do this to them, etc... in one ear and out the other, flies right over the head, he hears nothing that comes out of my mouth. And when I do try to talk to him about different things like what is going on with kids he either tries to use it against me or do something just despite me to make me more hurt and angry. So.... it is hard, but I have stopped trying to make him aware of what his actions are doing to the kids. He is going to have to see for himself when he "wakes up" and is "defogged" what it has done/ is doing to them. Right now,he can't see a darn thing. well, maybe a little bit he can. I think the "fog" is every so lightly starting to lift. But not the extent my any means that I can talk to him about things yet.

I know it is hard, I get so reactionary just like you, so justified in why I want to rip his face off. That I am all right and he is all wrong. But I am every so slowly learning to step back and breathe and realize any attempts right now are in vain. My kids know where there safe haven is, where "home" is, they have even told me as such. And it is NOT with daddy, it is with me. My h is going to start feeling that sooner or later. Plus, now that he has to stay at ow's until he gets a place of his own, he cannot even have the kids overnight or for visits cuz they cannot go over to her place (over my dead body will he carry on an affair in front of them and he knows the effects it has had on kids all ready) so he is paying the consequences there now too. Soon he won't have them at all and one day he'll wake up and wonder why his kids aren't close to him anymore. mlhb

hurting...


This is for the best. Good for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I was wondering, do you think it would help you to talk to your son and tell him that you would like nothing better than to go over there and talk to his father and convince him to be there for his children and for you, but that this will just not work; his father will not listen to anything that you have to say right now...

I don't know, but your DS may want to get some reassurance from you that YOU yourself care enough about him to fight for him...
I guess I wonder what your son thinks about your plan B, does he understand what you are trying to do and that no conflict (and no contact) with WH does not mean you are giving up but that you are actually fighting for your family??!!

All the best!

Daisy

Yes daisy I have explained why I can't see or talk to their dad. In fact both of the kids are doing a somewhat planb themselves.

I did not tell them what to do, They decided on their own not to have much to do with him because it hurts them to much. DS does not want to see or talk to him at all right now. DD is torn she fears he will turn against her for good. But like I told them its their decsion what they do.

They know I have not given up on WH. They both know I want our family back together, but I have also explained to them it may not happen even though we all want it.

I think if it was not for my kids I would probably have given up myself. I know I love my H but a person can only take so much. All the lies and coldness are really wearing on all of us. So actually as a family including his mother and sisters have pretty much decided to planb him. None of them are seeking him out at all, its all up to him to contact anyone now.

Not sure what the effects will be but its all on him now...