I just found out 4 weeks ago that my husband has been cheating on me with someone who works at his work complex. Our marriage has always been a good one and he used to read his Bible faithfully.

Yes, he is still seeing her. Yes, he says he's in love with her. He feels he was pressured into marrying me over 15 years ago because I was pregnant. However, he has always said he was happy in our marriage. This pressure business did not come up until I found out about his affair. Says he loves me in a different way. Does not want to keep secrets and feels better that it is out in the open.

He says she's not a bad person like I want to think she is.

I told him I am going thru he**. He says he does not mean to hurt me but says I was/am a great wife and mother but he's in love with her.

How in the world can a man claim to be in love with another woman, yet be intimate with his wife (me) much more than in the past?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just don't get it.

I told him the kids are very afraid that he will leave us and that we will have to move into another house. He says no, that will never happen. So--he is staying here, married to me, yet, continue leading his double life??????

No, he has not read his Bible in over a year as that is how long this affair has been going on.

I continue to pray, be kind, but I don't know how long I can do it. I know that I must be diligent and that things take time.

I wish someone, somehow could open his eyes.


I feel so humiliated.

Update as of lastnight:

I unloaded at church today and the pastor prayed with me and the girls.

I came home and gave him an ultimatum. He has to choose between his family and his girlfriend. He then said what if I were to choose her? I said so be it.

Guess what???? He isn't going.

Furthermore, he said he doesn't know how or why he is in this mess but that he has been praying very hard to God about it and he said he is leaving it in God's hands. I told him I had been doing the same. Also, he said that no one can change what is in his heart about how he feels for this woman.

You know--Satan is mighty strong right now. I believe that it is Satan who is guiding his thoughts most of the time.

I told him that today's sermon was on Psalm 51!!

He said he would never leave his kids at all. I told him that I told the kids that I might have to put them in school and get a full time job. He told me I should not have said that because that's not true.

Maybe, little by little, he is seeing the light. I pray for this all the time.

Your situation sounds similar to mine. I was married to a devoted H and Father for 10 years. My H has not said that he is In Love with the OW yet, but his actions have proved his feelings. I am no one to give advice. I had to dig to discover the A. He moved out and then came back a week later under my request to make things work. Three weeks later he told me that he just "wasn't getting his feelings back". In anger, I told him to leave if that is how he felt and he said he wanted to "be there" for me, our daughter, and unborn son. I told him I didn't want him to stay were he didn't want to be and he left. I might have pushed him away, but he seemed to be wallowing in misery staying with me. I am also afraid that if I "allow" the A to go on knowingly that it will never end. I feel I'm worth more than that.

It sounds like your H is willing to put more effort into the marriage than mine was. I never truly thought that such a good father would leave his precious daughter, but he is in the fog and visits and calls are enough for him right now.

I hope "your story" continues better than mine has. My story has became my worst nightmare. I spent several weeks wondering when I was going to wake up.

Good luck. Your strong faith will help you through this.

Marriedwchildren

hsmomx3,

So WH just thinks he'll keep his family and OW, huh? NOT! This is the incredible fogspeak that WSs can spew and it is classic.

Keep bringing him back to reality. And say it matter-of-fact and without nastiness.

WH: "I will never leave you or the kids. But I love OW and will continue to have her in my life."

BS: "Oh, I see. Well, it's nice to know that part of you wants to keep our family intact, but I don't think I can go along with being married to you and having OW invited in as the third wheel. No, I just don't think that is fair to me or the children.

"So, even though you would LIKE to keep your family and your OW, I just don't see how it can be done. I am willing to give you time to think about this, but the more I think about it, the more I feel I need to get the kids in a school, get a job, and prepare myself to be a single mom."

WS: "But I just said that nothing will change."

BS: "Yes, I know, I heard you. And I replied that I need to get the kids registered in school and find a job so that I will be ready to go on without you in our life. Guess there really isn't a middle ground here, honey."

The reality is that he can't impose his wishes upon you any more than you can impose your wishes upon him. He wants her? OK. He gets her. But he doesn't get you or the kids carte blanche because then he is imposing his will upon yours. See? Draw up your boundaries. You repeat them enough times in a calm, concise manner, and eventually he'll say, "you mean that if I keep seeing OW that I won't be part of our family anymore?" To which you reply, with a heavy sigh, "so it seems."

~ Snow

Well, the starting point is Plan A. Please read all about it here. It includes exposing them at work. Also to his family and your family.

If the affair doesn't end, and most do, then you start on Plan B. Might be good to look for a job now.

And also, most WS's don't use any protection. So if you are having SF with him, you may be putting your health in danger.

hsmomx3,
I'm sorry you find yourself here... but you will find a lot of support from a lot of people that have (sadly) been through exactly what you are experiencing.

Believer's right, start with reading abut Plan A here. It sounds like your pastor is a firm follower of Dr. Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" which is also a great book to read when your WH isn't around (it's just chock-full of insights into his behavior that only you need to read for now). It is exactly what you have done, as Snowbelle so accurately detailed - "I love you, I want to work on our marriage, BUT you must completely end the affair first, as a marriage demands exclusivity." Period. You (Thank God) do not have to live in a warped love triange. And believe it or not, he will respect you for having the self-respect to refuse to be with someone who is being unfaithful (and obviously you believe it because you already told him "so be it" - great for you!) This is just the kind of response that will make him think twice about whether he really wants to give up his family for this Other Woman. Dobson calls it "Opening the cage door" and it can be a very effective tool for saving marraiges by appearing to let them go. Of course, it feels risky at the time, but it's really not so risky. It CAN result in the WH going his own way, but usually it actually shortens the A.

Because this is probably the hardest time in your life to date I'll bet, and you have indicated you believe in a living and active God, I recommend the daily devotional of "Streams In the Desert". It will really help you understand some of the suffering you are going through, and the ways that God can bring you closer to Him through events like these. It brought me immeasurable peace and comfort during those months.

Satan is in control of your WH's life right now, but darkness flees from the light, and it is your job to shine the light on this. Exposure can be key to getting things headed in the right direction.

[color:"brown"] Job 24:13 Wicked people rebel against the light. They refuse to acknowledge its ways. They will not stay in its paths.

John 3:20
They hate the light because they want to sin in the darkness. They stay away from the light for fear their sins will be exposed and they will be punished.

[/color]
Stay strong, stay on your knees, and stay in God's loving arms - He WILL carry you through this. Your WH said no one can change in his heart what he feels for OW - God can, and I will be praying for his fog-lifting to happen soon.

NTL

Dearest hsmomx3,

How are you and the children doing? We havent heard from you.


Remind him that God can. Remind him of the wayward prodigal son.

Love & Prayers,
Lady

Hello- I am sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds quite similar to what I went thru 4 yrs ago. My H of 15 yrs at the time was in love with a single co-worker and had an ongoing thing with her for months before I figured it out. All that time WH and I would go with our 3 kids to early church every week and H would comment on how great our minister's sermons were each week. ( H insisted on early church so that he could sneak off to see OW right after.) Of course he told me he was 'heading to the gym.' On the one hand my WH never said anything about leaving me and yet he was telling OW that our marriage was 'over in his head.' He is a huge conflict avoider.At first I was completely devastated and wanted him to stay. After his double life continued for several weeks I prayed about it and asked him to choose me or move out. He immediately threw some of his stuff together and ran off to OW's place. At this point I found the book "Love Must be Tough' it is an excellent guide to dealing with an ongoing affair. I also read Harley's 'Surviving an Affair." ' The Power of a Praying Wife' was also comforting.Be sure to find emotional support for yourself. I chose to confide in others for support but did not tell my 3 kids the true reason why their dad moved out. I told them he was 'making choices that caused him to be out of the house.' After H had been out of the house a month he wanted to move back in and reconcile. I should not have let him back home without alot of joint counseling first because he slept on the couch downstairs pining away for OW and secretly continued contact with her. He then kept threatening divorce because OW was pressuring him. He did file on me secretly and I was shocked to get the papers. That night he finally had a huge breakdown and went to see my counselor and confessed he didn't really want a divorce. It took months of counseling after that as well as his going thru a depression from withdrawal from the affair before things began to get better. I truly thought my marriage was over when I received the divorce papers but that proved not to be the case.However it involves an extensive rebuild to go on from this kind of damage. Take care- lifeismessy

I asked him if he is going to keep turning his back on me forever regarding imtimacy. He said he did not know then quickly accused me of making demands that push him away.

Says his feelings for her are so real and strong that he has never felt anything like this and she makes him happy. He does not know why God allowed the situation to happen, it just did.

Says he has to talk to the kids more and assure them that:

they will continue to be homeschooled
nobody is leaving this house
i will have to seek p/t work as we have a lot of bills
he will never abandon any of us

Says his love/relationship with her has nothing to do with me at all and that I have done nothing wrong.

Actually, he admitted that down the road, I could be right because I told him this was a fling and would not last. He said he would come back to me and say how stupid he was.

He later backed off the statement of my being demanding. Says what he feels for her no one can take it away from him.

Remember the card I gave him because I thought we were doing so well? He threw it away because of the affect it had on him.

I think he is under such darkness and sin, he can't see the forest from the trees and can't/won't repent, etc.

I think God did not allow this to happen, Doug was tempted and swallowed the poison.

I found a picture in my daughter's backpack today.

At the top was a sun shining with her birth year, followed by RIP-Jonathan (my son's death) and then at the bottom was a picture of a broken heart and a woman with a Bible and it said, "the great depression 2 in 2005."

I showed it to Doug this morning and he did not know what to say.

I don't like to talk bad about my husband but he is going over the edge and because he is so weak and vulnerable, it's as if he can't get up and pull himself out of the darkness.

Even though I am unstable right now, at least I have the sense to see that this is demonic and he has fallen into Satan's power. This is not love at all. I see this as a diversion from what is real (his family who loves him and wants him back) and I think this woman is very dangerous as well. Yet, he can't see the forest from the trees on that one.

They really don't spend that much time together. She gets off work at 6:30 and he is home between 8:15-8:45. This is love???? Nope, not in my book.

I am curious to see if what marriage builders.com said about affairs--that most affairs end within 6 months after being exposed. Not only that, how long does this floozey expect to stick around knowing darned well things are not changing?

I wish I had the courage to talk to my in-laws. Doug said that his parents would always love and support me and the kids no matter what. They would be beside themselves.

Sorry, I had to vent.

It's very hard on all of us and believe it or not, on my husband.

I am praying night and day because I believe God wants us to work it out and because this sin/darkness are not to His liking.

My husband used to faithfully read his Bible, etc.

I am seeking counselling and I have also spoken to one of the pastors at our church.

We'll be fine but it will take some time.

Hi hsmomx3,


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Children can be very prophetic in their pictures can't they! I pray that picture pierces his heart. Put it on the refridgerator! I also hope that God will convict him of his sin so much that he gets physically sick every time he is with her, and that he feels so terrible that he cannot stand it. He does not need to feel good about it, he needs to feel shame.

Keep the "Mind of Christ" and you will get through this. May he give you and your family great peace in the midst of the storm. Your faith in Him will keep you.

Love and Prayers,
Lady

In my opinion, it is time to "fish or cut bait". You need to tell him point blank that he can't have it both ways. It's time for the no-contact letter. He needs to decide -- you and the kids, or OW. No more "cake-eating".

When my beloved finally admitted to his own affair with a co-worker -- that was my first reaction -- I love you, I forgive you, but it ends NOW -- one way or the other. We end or you/she end. You cannot continue to have me and have her. It was wrenching for him -- he too professed to love her and miss her. It was more wrenching and soul destroying for me to hear it. Bottom line -- I stuck to my guns. I insisted on "no contact" -- it took a month, but I got it, and my life and world is amazing. We are so much in love today......

Be strong, my friend. But insist.... it's enough -- he must choose!

Sounds familiar. This is what I did. First I told him ( in a letter), that what he was doing was hurting me, I was not able to be a good mother, and that he owed me the right to move on with my life. It was an ultimatum - leave her or move out. He moved out. I told him with a smile that he had done the right thing by me and that now I could have a life.

The next thing I did was to start organising my life the way I wanted it - get yourself a job and send the kids to school, he will see that you are serious.

Next, when he tried to keep a foot in my life and seemed uncertain, I told him that he would be able to think clearer if he could be alone. I suggested a trip interstate to stay with relatives. I told him that he had so much to think about and decide that he would not be able to do it with all the pressure. I also said that if she cared about him as she said she did, she would understand his need for space and wait for him until he had wound up the marriage. Guess what - he broke it off with her.

He is now living away from home, and not coming back until all has been resolved, she is out of his life for good and I am satisfied with the changes that have been made.

Whether he comes back or not, I am now in control of my own life. A very much better position to be in than the one you are in. Tell yourself that you can make it without him, then tell him.

God is going to test your patience here.

Keep on the your meetings with your pastor, his Dobson-esque approach is what's called for - "I love you, I want to work on our M, I won't exist in a painful love triangle."
[color:"brown"]
From James 1 -
2Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. 3For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.
5If you need wisdom--if you want to know what God wants you to do--ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. 6But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. 7People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8They can't make up their minds. They waver back and forth in everything they do.

12God blesses the people who patiently endure testing. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. 13And remember, no one who wants to do wrong should ever say, "God is tempting me." God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else either. 14Temptation comes from the lure of our own evil desires. 15These evil desires lead to evil actions, and evil actions lead to death. 16So don't be misled, my dear brothers and sisters.

17Whatever is good and perfect comes to us from God above, who created all heaven's lights.[d] Unlike them, he never changes or casts shifting shadows. 18In his goodness he chose to make us his own children by giving us his true word. And we, out of all creation, became his choice possession. [/color]


God never changes or casts shifting shadows. Don't you LOVE that? Be patient.