OK...I guess alot of people here have been watching my posts over the last year plus...After FWW's last leaving...D day was a year in July...she came home again last week and wanted to come "home" and be my wive...What suggestsions do I need from you guys to not start over again with the end result being her unhappiness and wanting to leave again? She keeps saying we are best together...but on Sat. she watched a elderly lady eat ice cream by herself...then began crying saying she didn't want to be "old". FWW is 40 now...and really seems to worry so much about things she has no control over. I just need to do something different this time...I'm scared I guess?

Nothing?

Did you ever do a Plan B letter? What did it say? What conditions did you give for your relationship to continue?

In mine, I said that there had to be NC with OW ever again. I said that we need to have joint counseling. Does that sound familiar?

Personally, I'd take it very slowly. What's the situation? What's the motive? Why is your WW doing this? Has OM given her the boot? Is it financial? Did she just have a birthday and realize what 40 is about? Does she realize that there is no guarentee in life that she won't be an old lady eating ice cream alone? Try dating each other for while. Can you like, love or trust her again? Make sure that you aren't just a fallback position.

A while back, I asked a question on this forum if any of the BS on this board went on to become WS. Somewhat surprisingly, yes it has happened. I wonder if they were BS who didn't ask for or get what they needed from recovery? Make sure you get what you want out of this. I don't think that selfish. I think you need to work out the dynamics, the needs, the chores, the trust issues NOW before you jump back in.

Thanks Grape...I've got to read this over a few times, Yes, she has been super sweet and there has'nt been any physical contact for over a year. Although he had phoned her about a month ago. When she told him of no interest in her, he has been telling a few people that my W is involved with someone else. We have been spending allot of quality time...but no MC yet. I'll work this over in my mine...I'm not sure of what I should need? Does this make any sense?

Welderboy,

Quote:We have been spending allot of quality time...but no MC yet.

So you are willing to go thru another DDay with a person that has not gone to counseling, not read a book, nor asked for marital (not A )advice from her peers.

So I guess being with you is sufficient reason to take her back?

Best of luck. No plan when your WS wants to comes back insures that history will repeat itself.

Dear Welderboy,
It is natural that you have doubts. I don't know much of your history, but if you feel she is being honest with you, I would then lay down some boundries and expectations before letting her come back. Maybe MC, and IC, NC, filling out Harleys questioneers together, etc. or what ever would make you feel safe.

I will be including you and your wife in my prayers welderboy.

Best of luck,\

K.D.'s Heartbreak

She has already came back...Sunday will be 2 weeks. I somehow feel guilty about laying down boundaries. Tonight she called as she was leaving work, and asked me if it was OK to have supper with a couple girlfriends...I kinda swayed around around and said...go ahead and go just be home by 9. She then called back a few min. later saying that she could hear my "tone" and was'nt going. It makes me feel damned if I do...damned if I don't. She then called again...and when I tried to tell her my feelings...she said, Forget it..."i'm coming home like a good little wife." I'm really a bit confused?

Have you both agreed to Policy of Joint Agreeement???
Only do something if there is an enthusiastic agreement between both of you????
Just a thought.

Nope...I've talked of this in the past...but tonight might not be the time. I'll go over it, it is in the surviving an affair book right?

I'm not real sure of timing either. I would be thrilled to death if my husband would just do the honesty thing. He is a conflict avoider too. I am still trying to show him that it is safe to tell me the truth and I won't react emotionally and inflict LBers on him. I know that policy of joint agreement is in a few of the books. I have all of them, I just can't remember which ones its in. Lol.
My nightstand is starting to look like a bookstore with all the self-improvement and marriage books.

Thanks guys...she said tonight the reason I feel guilty is cause I know I should trust her....she came home though and seems OK with it?

Welderby,

First let me say I really do not know your story so you may feel I have know right to respond. I do have a question

Why should you trust her?

If I were you the little comment about being a good wife would have hurt my feelings.

Lifted...it did hurt a little, but I guess everyone seems to be pissed a little when we don't get our own way.