Things are going great with my FWW. I am happier and have a marriage that I always wanted. But while I am no longer focusing on what she did, I still look at her differently. Tell you the truth I don't think I am in love with her anymore. She has become like a really good friend that I have SF with.

I love her but am not in love with her. She took something from me and our marriage that will never come back. I mean I realized something after her A...I put alot of what I think about a person on how much I can trust them.

I promiss never to cheat on you

I promiss never to cheat on you again.

That's a big one for me.

Are you about 8 months into recovery?

I can totally relate to your feelings. I am not in recovery, I am not in anything. Wh left in july and is now staying at ow's til he finds an apt of his own. (see my threads) but I have wondered if a miracle happens and he comes home and wants to work on marriage at some point, well, I know from being separated before from him and having him come home, I did look at him differently. But the problem was, the man that came home was still the alien. Maybe is my H actually came home it would be different. I would still want the marriage if he did and would work on it and live him, but trust is a big one for me too, especially when it has been broken so many times. yes, I can relate. mlhb

I am starting to feel the in love again. Not totally - I think that goes with the trust issue. It may take me longer du to the time and length of his A. I just take one day at a time.

MelodyLane

FWW left me on 9/6/04 because her A was crashing. She saw a bad M and a bad A and left to think. She moved back in on 9/20 and we went to MC and started working on fixing our M. Looking back after what I learned on MB, my FWW was deep in a fog. She had no contact with OM until he called on 10/28 and needed a ride. A week later they hooked up for oral SF. His GF found out...etc etc etc. She didn't talk to him again until she ran into him 12/23 at school where she told him that we were doing great and she never wanted to see him again and that she wanted to work on our M. On Christmas her guilt drove her to tell me about the A.

So yeah....about 8 1/2 months.

Hemi

I haven't 'given up' but I have known your every other sentiment.

Not much I can say other than everybody who successfully recovers reports the same feelings. If we persist we'll get past it.

Its harsh though, I'll admit.

Dear Hemidart,
Its a funny thing about feelings. I think an event can change the way you view your spouse.
The reason I say this is the fact that I was still in love with my husband after discovery day, but just recently, I was suspecting my husband was sneaking to see o/w after work. I found that my feelings for him, (I know this sounds crazy) seemed to lessen after thinking he was seeing o/w again. I am thinking to myself, how can one day I love him and the next day I can't find my feelings for him, what is happening.
I was so relieved to find out that he instead, was having problems with coming to grips with his mothers condition and was unable to deal with his mother in the dementia facility.
So, from my one little experience, I can see how people can divorce and never look back.
I still haven't gotten back all my feelings for my husband since then. That is my greatest fear, that one day, all my feelings are going to dry up, and I will want the marriage, no more.

i figure my H is exactly where you are. or maybe it is me that is where you are. i dont really know, we never talk. do you talk to your S about how you are doing?

((( Hemi )))

I think what you are feeling is very normal. (I think, no expert here at all) I can only speak for myself.

When my WH was deep into his A, I was soooo involved with breaking it up and "winning" him back that it consummed me. All I could think about. I have to get him back. All other feelings were put aside.

Once you "get" them back I think you start looking at what really happened, is happening. What you are left with.

Like I said, I can only say what happened to me and how I felt, feel. My WH has never nor probably will never, admit to his A. So, I have nowhere to start rebuilding from. Just a empty slate that I fill in the blanks to. It's a mess. Everything about this affair business is hard to deal with. I know that many others who follow the MB principles go on to great, better marriages. When you follow the expert advice given here, it works out the best for you.

You are not alone here. Experts can guide you to where you need to be. Or want to be.

Anyway, your feelings are very normal. Alot is lost when your s engages in an A. You can come out on the other side in a much better state. One way or another.

Best regards - Carnation

Thanks for all the replies.

Yesterday my FWW and myself went to her moms house. While we were there her mom gave her a bag of junk...assorted paperwork, bills, pictures etc that my FWW dumped into a bag when see moved out last September. When we got home see started to go through everything. I told her that anything that she found that had anything to do with her A, that I wanted to see it.

When she moved out and we were talking about our M and me knowing nothing about the A, she stated that the last five years of our M were really bad for her. That I was a bad husband....which I admit to some extent. Anyhow...she found a note she wrote herself in 2002...a little over a year before she met the OM, and it stated what a great husband I was and how she is so lucky to be married to me. So it hit me that it took about a year of bad M for her to stray. It also hit my that I have put up with her crap for way longer and I stayed faithfull.

Talking about rewriting history.

Now here I am again evaluating why I am staying with her. Why I am not in love with her. To top it off, since I redid my looks by working out, running and eating better, I get hit on by quite a few very beautiful women. Now I tell my FWW all my feelings and about these women.

Enough babble.

Don't know what I am saying...I am just freaking confused.

Red flag here. Are you trying to punish her by telling her that other women are looking at you and your feelings toward her. How can you rebuild if you are working at pushing her away and punishing her. As a BS i know how much pain that an A can inflict on you, but talking about other women and possibly acting on that is not the answer. JMHA. See if maybe you two can do somethings together that will help you connect on a deeper level...things you enjoyed doing in the past. Maybe then you feelings will grow again. I am no expert in this because though my H strayed I am still deeply in love with him...that is what makes the pain so strong. So maybe that fact that you are still upset over this shows that you care for her more than you think and that you are afraid to love her again for fear of being hurt again. I don't know just my opinion. Stay strong, my thoughts are with you.

LT

it's not any less confusing on this side of the equation.

are you often debating with yourself as to if you should stay?

FL

I have worked out what I think Squid could do that would accelerate my recovery and make my glass half full not half empty. I posted it in 'recovery' if you care to take a look.

Thats just my view of course, I cannot know if your H or any other BS would feel the same.