Dear Dazed and confused,
I want to pose a question to you?
Because your wife in incapable of resisting the o/m and cannot control the urge to contact him, do you think that by you exposing the affair it really caused her to decide that she would not give your marriage a chance?
The whole purpose of exposing was to allow the pressure of loved ones and friends opinions of this affair to show just what this relationship is. Sleazy, hurtful, dishonest and immoral.
Doing this is the right thing to do. This is the only chance you have of opening her eyes to what this affair is.
Hang in there, and don't give up, you have just begun the battle.

BE A BROKEN RECORD.... PLAN 'A'.... PLAN "A"..... PLAN "A"...... Oh yeah and PLAN 'A'..... No love busters, no angry outbursts, no disrespectful judgments, no threats, no calling the OM a loser.......

Dazed-- I exposed to everyone,yes she was pissed. Said the A wasn't as fun because everyone knew, the sneaking around was fun etc.. I plan A'd, small LB here and there. But be forewarned she may still leave as shes in the fog, but it puts her and OM now into reality and out of fantasyland. It's always different in reality. Just stay with your plans take care of DD, and hang in there.

They ALWAYS do this when exposed. Always, always, always. You are neither unique, nor special, Dazed. Ignore it the best you can. It is just babble at its worst.


Any word from her work? Again, dont worry about this. It is normal for a WS to react this way. Just maintain what SH told you and keep being that broken record. She is angry because in her quiet times, she doesnt even believe herself. As I just posted to Gramn...it isnt the wrong things she is doing necessarily...it is the fact that she IS wrong. She is wrong as a state of being. Cant be a very nice or fun place to be. And of course, when you are wrong, it is hard to get things right...like who is responsible for her being wrong.


Ho, hum. Right out of Chapter 47 of the Wayward Spouse Handbook, the chapter entitled "Where Did My Brain Go?"


Chapter 48, "And the BS Says 'Huh?'" Sorry Mrs. dazed...Mr. Dazed isnt like you!


People drink and drive all the time too. Doesnt make it right. Again, when you are in the state of being of wrongness, it is hard to get ANYTHING right.


My man...the truth comes out. Nice job!! I am sure that sat with her about as well as a bad plate of sushi. Most states allow the child to choose around the age of 13. You know, it was the court and my kids telling my wife was wrong before she finally listened. She wouldnt listen to me, the counselors, friends, etc. Funny how the truth can be rejected before ultimately accepted. She WILL accept it. Either by repentence, or by her life crashing down around her and her daughter not with her anymore. As God says, EVERY knee shall bend!


Brilliant! ALWAYS frame it this way. This isnt JUST a marriage being broken up. it is your daughter's and you and your wife's family being broken up.


More truth...and was probably like sunlight to a vampire for her!!

[/quote]Of course WW flipped out...[/quote]

As I thought!


Poor selfish thing. Help me here MelodyLane and Pep. Why cant I feel any compassion for this selfish WW? I mean, she isnt going to get everything she wants. How cruel! How so unfair of Dazed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Another great response. As I said in an another post, most men are accused of ignoring their wives and not listening to them. Well, in this case, it is a good thing!! You know what I do when my wife spouts off like that (still some residual fog even today)? I do like a dog that looks at something and cocks its head sort of sideways. You know the look, liek the dog is thinking "Say what?" Try it sometimes. Look at her, [censored] your head and have a look like she just spoke to you in Latvian.


And you ignored her and went on preparing food and putting groceries up, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


Huh? Now you sound foggy!!! Stop that. You may not know it but this is EXACTLY how she is supposed to react. It is her ONLY way back. Yes it is tiring. And it aint fair. But you are the only sane and mature parent and spouse in this family right now. So you had better make good decisions here.

She is reacting to your Plan A the way all WSs do. I would be worried if she didnt react...if she just shut up and said nothing. It only hurts her because she does care, and does love you, your daughter and your family.

No quitting allowed! Let her file. My wife did! And she lost custody. And she is home now. You did well. She reacted as planned. Just stand by and keep it up for a while longer. She is cornered in her fog. Reality and truth have her penned in, not you. Just let her filthy mouth just go past you. Keep your eyes on the road and hand on the wheel. The Lord will take care of the selfish teenager in the backseat.

In His arms.

Got the appointment tomorrow at 10AM filing of the legal papers.
At lunch break I parked across the way from OM apartment. Just like clock work they managed to drive 3 miles from there work to his place in 5 minutes. In pulls his truck in pulls her our car. The both quickly head to his door and in they go. I feel like I'm throughing in the towel by filing but I just don't see anything else changing. She called looking for me several times this morning. She finally got me 30 minutes before lunch. She said she just wanted to make sure I'm okay. Says she does worry about me. I told her; how okay could i possibly be? The love of my life no longer loves me, and no longer shares the same dream of a future together.
Her reply: yes BS-
it does really suck.
im truly sorry. i wish i
could just flip a switch
and make it all better for everyone-
but that's not real life.

I know SH said to keep up the plan A but I don't see a future in it. She has went from on the fence to anger and no hope for us. I think she is just to far gone to keep up plan A.
FYI- WW tells me OM gave his resignation at work yesterday. Apparently there job reviews are this week and he got drilled. WW's is this afternoon. Sure would be funny if she got tossed today too. It's just seems to little to late. It seems she is completely wrapped around his finger and the only hope I got is to give her a taste of reality.

Mortarman- I just read your post. Actually put a smile on my face. thank you....
i know steve said to hang in there. I'm scared. I really want to call her work today. SH said not to. I think I might call her HR and ask to speak confidentially about my WW and her A with OM. Ask her to protect me as the source because I want to save our marriage not end it. Then se what she says and go from there.
I think I'm going to keep the appointment tomorrow. Atleast get my ducks aligned and paper work in his hands.

Might as well go for the scortched earth plan!!

update:
Well- after calming down from watching the two love birds at lunch i resumed my plan A role last night. Moved my legal meeting back until Monday. This will allow me to get my plan B program in place and all my legal ducks in a row too. Also made an appointment for dd to see council on monday to help her with all this.
I guess until i can control my emotions i probably should stop looking for the love birds at lunch time. I don't know. Yesterday I even took pictures. That maybe i could use them some how. Digital camera records the date on the print. I though i could use this to put together a time line of events to give to legal if needed.
OM's mother is still bothering my dd at her school. What do you all think I should do. My thoughts was to construct a very well written letter to OM's parents. Explain just what there darling little son has done to my family. Also, nicely word that she is to stay away from my dd and niece.

Dazed,

Number 1 operating order...protect your daughter. Go to the school principle if necessary but get Om's mother out of her life and yes expose to OM's mother and express your displeasure with her behavior as well.

Good idea to stop the lunch recon. It is adding nothing new to your closet full of knowledge.

God Bless,

JL

Monday morning update:
It just keeps getting worse. This week end was a completly horriable. Friday me an WW had several very friendly exchanges during the course of the day. We both agreed to setting down saturday and putting a plan in place to get us off this cycle of pain. She said some nice things about me and we had even talked about going out to dinner Friday night. All good intentions and feeling went down the draing at 4:00 Friday after noon when DD12 missed the school bus to go to her cousins house and decided to find a ride there by herself. She did not tell either me or WW what had happened or what she was doing. Once actually getting to her cousins house she left to walk to my work which is a mile away. So, no one could find her, WW called the police. WW got really embarrased when she could not even tell the police what DD12 was wearing. Great mom huh.
About 4:30 DD12 was found by WW walking back towards her cousins house. WW took DD12 back to her work with her until 5:00. DD12 told me afterwards she was hoping to see OM try to talk to her or her mom. DD12 says she wanted to yell at him. Although feeling very uncomfortable DD12 never seen OM.
So, once arriving home WW was in a really really bad mood and immediately started in by saying, "you can cage me up now". After allowing half hour to pass i attempted to talk to WW. She was still mad and acted like I was holding her there against her will. I asked if she had plans for the night or week end for that matter. She did not say much. I made plans with DD12 to go eat dinner and see a movie with me. This upset WW and she gave me more crap. While DD12 was out of the room, I asked if she wanted to join us. She just rolled her head and said nothing. I got upset and suggested maybe she just go if that what she wants. She called me while we were eating to ask when we were coming back home. I told her she said she would be home later. I suggested if she was going to go see OM, she should not return. She hung up on me. She called again 20 minutes later crying asking why i was going to keep her daughter from her. I replied i'm not taking her from you, you are loosing her. She wants her mom and dad to change the world she has known for 12 years. To her you are changing that by choosing to not come home and to be with OM. She is hurt by your choices. Besides she was your first priority for 12 years, now she is not and she can tell OM is now. For that she is hurting and mad at you and blames him. I'm just trying to fill the void you are making in life. I'm her dad not her mom. I can't be her mom, but as a dad I have to comfort her and help her and that is what i'm doing. Her reply was I hate you for taking her from me and she hung up. Now being drawn in, i called her back and said your actions and choices is what is keeping you from you DD. All i have tried to do is love you and try to reach out to you and you just keep trying to turn it around on me. All you can think about is OM and that is what has poisoned your relationship with everyone you know including your dd. Again I suggested she be gone when we get home if all she wants to do is fight.
Me and DD12 went shopping around in the mall for awhile and decided to pass on going to movies. Now neither of us really wanted to see a movie. We went home and watched tv for a while and went to sleep. WW was up stairs in my our bed so i left her alone for the night.
Saturday:
I awoke to hearing the cordless phone continually when dialing phone numbers. Apparently Om would not pick up so she was just either redialing or using some special ring code so he would pick up. About an hour later I awoke again to hearing her talking on the phone with my mother. She was arguing with her about interveining into her role as mother to DD12 and Niece12. I did not listen in on entire conversation but WW was getting more upset as they talked. This was just the valcano preparing for eruption. After the phone call ended I went into the room with WW. She immediately started in about my mother and all the problems she was creating in her life. DD12 heard the yelling and also joined us in the room. WW yelled at DD12 to leave the room. DD12 did not move. WW then started in telling me to tell my kid to do leave. Yelling crap like she was not her mother any more and when she's gone crap over and over. DD12 in frustration kick the side of the stair case on the way up the stairs. A small decoration fell from the ledge besides the stairs. That was it for WW she went on a insane rampage that lasted a couple hours before leaving. She destroyed every picture in the house that had her in it. All our family pictures are gone. Broke all the frames and tore the pictures out. She broke anything and everthing that represented our family. Gifts that me and my DD12 had given her over the years are all gone. She broke glasses, frames, mirrors, all the house hold decoration. While in the process of breaking she was yelling and screaming how much she hated me and our DD12. I held DD12 in her rooom to keep her from her mom. WW came in the room once yelling the most sick hateful things you could ever imagine. She actually told DD12, "you now have no mother, to you i'm dead." I got WW to leave the room and help DD12 while she cried and cried. WW finally stopped breaking things and started crying and cleaning up the mess. WW left the house around 1:30 saying she would not be back and to give her cloths to DD12 or through away.
5:30 as me and DD12 was preparing to drive off to go to her cousins house, OM drive by real slow. Must have been looking for WW wife. Of course DD12 sees him and says don't do nothing dad, he just wants us to get into trouble. I told her she was right and he aint worth it.
On my way back home from DD12 cousins house I recieve a call from my house. It's WW wanting me to look at her car...She got stuck in the automatic carwash and now the car doesn't drive straight. When I get there, she is parked in the drive. I'm at work and I'm out of time to finsih right now. Quick summary. She left Saturday afternoon and spent the night with OM. Showed up Sunday evening while I was out and was in shock to see that I had packed up all her belongings so she could leave and not come back. She broke down and begged me and DD12 to forgive her for her destruction. She cried herself to sleep around 9PM. I left her to sleep on the couch and me and the kids went on up to bed. Waking from another bad dream around 2PM I went down to see if she was still there or what. She was still there and on the phone with OM. Seeing me she got angry and hung up with OM. I asked her to leave. She got mad and quickly jumped up to call my bluff and started putting on her shoes. I already had mine on. I started loading her stuff into my truck to we could get her gone. Now standing at the door crying she says but where will i go. I said OM's house let go. You want him so damn bad let's giter done. She stood at my truck for several minutes crying. Then we drove to OM's apartment. Mr.wounderful was gone. So, I then placed her stuff in her car and went on home. WW drove by the house and even stopped in the drive several times the rest of the night. She called 7am asking to speak to DD12. She just said I love you and have a good day. Sorry about leaving with out saying good bye.
She has now emailed me twice and called twice to apologize. I have an appointment with my lawyer in one hour. Drawing up papers and looking into protection for kids. DD12 has an appointment at 4pm with councilor to help her with this stuff. Mailing letter to OM's parents today.

Dazed,

I am sorry to hear this, but she is heading toward the bottom. Perhaps when she gets there she will realize what you and the kids offer her and she will see the light. I truly hope so, because I feel, if she straightens up she may well turn back into the woman you love.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you JL for your kind words.

WW just left another message. Her mother apparently just went to WW's work place and ripped into and told her that because of her actions that she was going to lose DD12 to me if this goes to court.
WW mother does not care about us divorcing but is really mad about WW screwing over the kids.

Dazed,

Well at least MIL has part of her priorities correct...the children are being damaged. Now if she had the rest of her priorities right, your marriage would factor into this as well, because in the long run you are the person that can make your W happy IF you try, and you are the person that can and has been trying to hold the family together.

Time and patience Dazed, it can work wonders. I hope it does for you.

God Bless,

JL

I am so sorry dazed with what you and your DD are going through. Please give her a big hug and I will be keeping her in my thoughts and prayers.

I have two DD's, 6 and 8 and my 8yo is having a very tough time of it right now. I hate this for both our daughter's.

Dear Dazedandconfused,
I truly admire you for the strength you have shown under such emotional circumstances.

I hope your w/w sees the light.

dazed-your weekend sounds like the one I had at the first part of Sept.Our WW's are following the same path to the bottom. HAng in thre for your daughter as I am doing the same. My WW can't understand why her DD(16) wants nothing more to do with her. I realize this will probably change but it is what it is for now. Take care of yourself and your DD.

WW wants to come pick up DD12 and play after work today. DD12 wants to see her, but after last round of arguments I'm afraid to let her out of my sight. At this point I do not have any legal order to keep WW away or out of the house. I don't want to block WW from DD12 but what if she don't come back with her?

update; WW showed right on time. 5:10. wow! now i know what time she could be home if it wasn't for OM. WW and DD12 was out for three hours. WW asked if she could come in and talk with me and use the bathroom. Because I have not offically started plan B i said ok. WW told me about her evening with DD12 and that she had a great time with her. She started crying again and telling me how much she misses our DD12 and me and the house. She says she went and looked at an apartment over her lunch break and felt like it was a mistake. She says more and more she feels like she is making a big mistake and should just end it with OM and come home to me and DD12. She says a big part of her wants to save our family. Between the tears and crying she could not talk. I held her for awhile and caught her tears as they ran down her face. She could no longer talk to me and after collecting herself she gave DD12 a hug and kiss good night and started heading for the door. I stopped her and reminded her of her options and where i stand. She asked if she could call in the morning and talk to me and DD12. I said as long as its not from his phone. She said she would go to a pay phone. (no call this morning).
With her now out of the house, I think i must impliment my plan b. I'm not sure if I should put my legal stuff into action yet. i'm going to turn in all my paper work this afternoon but, i'm on the fence about actually progressing with filing for a divorce, legal separation or what. Obviously I want WW to leave OM and come back to me. I know plan B is to offer a taste of divorce and a road map back home. Will filing legal separation or divorce go against what i really want to happen?
Also, protecting my DD12 is a major factor. Obviously any contact with OM will be devastating to DD12, and the WW has proven to be mentally unstable.

Tell her that there is a solution to this...

Tell her to give you three months. Ask her to COMPLETELY break off contact with OM for three months...no setbacks or mistakes, or the timer restarts.

Tell her that if what her and OM share is true love (BARF!) then three months will mean nothing to how they're feeling at the end of that. EMPHASIZE this part!!! If it's really love...three months will mean nothing... If it's meant to be...three months won't change a thing. (It's not true, but she won't really realize that...and it's a CHALLENGE to her that is darned hard to refuse.)

But three months with you will give her the time she needs to see if she's making a mistake coming back to you or not. It has to be three months of NC...completely and totally. But, if she still feels that your marriage won't work out after three months of NC with him completely, then you both can make a decision on what to do from there.

The truth (between you and I...don't share it with her!) is that if she stays NC for three months, and you maintain the changes you've needed to, the odds are GREATLY in your favor that she'll get through the withdrawl and start to work on your M. I know of a couple of counselors who have used this tactic in the past...it's pretty darn effective.

Spring this on her the next time she's crying and upset and 'wondering'...and tell her that she needs to start RIGHT then.

At this point, what have you got to lose by trying this? You're not committing to anything at the end of those three months other than looking again at where you both stand...just word it exactly like I've suggested.

I know of a few couples who have had their marriage saved by trying something like this...one of those used to be a poster on this forum (/wave Sysyphus!).

Owl- I like your suggestion. Because WW can never make up her mind, this may work.

Here is the latest email traffic between us from today; They are in reverse order.

thanks-
i'll keep that in mind.
my heart hurts for hurting
u too.
see ya.
WW
_______________
WW-
It hurts my heart to know you are in pain.
Keep in mind you can come home and we can start putting this all behind us at anytime.

Me and DD12 still want you home with us and are waiting for you.
You take the first step, and we will take the rest together.
BH


im here.
guess im ok.
back is killing me from
sleeping on a couch-
there are sock rings on my
ankles from sleeping in them &
my waist has a permanent red mark
from my belt & also bra.--
my eyes are swollen from crying all
night--but-i guess im ok.
WW