The one thing my BH seems to be struggling with in coming home to work on things with me is that he fears there will be damaged relationships with his family. His exact words to me were "*Whenever I think of what could be in our relationship, possibly, it is always tempered by the fallout in relationships with my family, and the closeness that would not be there if I were with you. It's hard for me to say that it is worth it right now."

Has anyone had to deal with a changed relationship with your family because you decided for reconciliation with your WS? Did it ever change back? How did you deal with this?

yes, very much so. With the possible exception of one of my sisters my family was not at all supportive of me forgiving my husband. The relationship between my husband and my family does not exist any more. I literally have to split my time on the holidays because they are all too uncomfortable around each other. I wish that people could see into the future before making such a huge mistake!

How do you deal with it, another?

I know that my H's family is not supportive of my H forgiving me. But I also know that my H's family is very Godly and can look to God for the strength that they need.

I wish I could have seen into the future for making my own giant mistakes, but that isn't possible. I want to do everything I can to make things right though.

Does anyone else have any stories they care to share?

Only 2 of Squid's sisters and my Brother knew about our problems.

My brother thinks it is to my credit that I helped bring our marriage back from the brink, and Squid's eldest sister thinks I am a "remarkable and strong" man for doing what I did.

In truth....nobody has openly told me I was wrong to do what I did. Perhaps because I was so forthright in my actions ? Dunno.

Your H shouldn't use relationships with relatives as an influencer to be honest. My Mom said initially that " Squid ain't the one you'll marry!" when we had dated for a while. And here we are on our 19th wedding aniversary, and my Mom eventually called Squid 'her second daughter". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Relatives who care will support your H in whatever decision he makes, not affect the decision.

Unfortunately, when my H decided on D, his family told everyone ... brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. Everyone knows.

I know that his family cares about him, but I think they are letting their own emotions affect whether or not they support him. I know that they don't want him to get hurt. But I don't want him to get hurt either. They don't seem to see that we have a common goal.

The mistake isn't telling the families, but having the affair. Affairs hurt much more than just the immediate family and because of that, the WS is obliged to make amends to the rest of the family, not just the BS.

The BS should never sacrifice their family members to accommodate the cowardice of the WS. The WS should face the consequences of his affair, rather than demand that the BS cut off her relations with her own family to accommodate his cowardice. That is adding insult to injury to allow the WS to punish the BS with an affair and then to compound the crime by cutting off relations with the families.

Instead, the WS should be encouraged to not act cowardly, but to face the music like a grownup and apologize to the family members also. Sure, some will never accept him again, but that is the risk one takes when they have an affair, a risk the WS willingly took.

DO NOT protect the WS from the consequences of his affair, especially at your own expense.

Cinny, his family is rightfully scared for his safety and security with you. They don't trust you. The best thing to do is to have a heart to heart with his parents and tell them that you know you screwed up, are remorseful and are committed to rebuilding your marriage. Tell them what you are doing to rebuild trust. They need reassurance that you won't hurt their son again. Over time, they should come to accept you again, but if they don't, there is nothing much you can do. The worst thing you can do is expect him to avoid his family over this; that is not fair as he has been punished enough.

p.s. My mother and one sister were especially angry with my H and would not talk to him. They have both warmed up to him over the years because he demonstrated trustworthy behavior. He proved to them that he would not hurt me and that is all they wanted. It takes time, but it usually can be done.

Cinnymd Hi

I have very macho protective big brothers.

My husband's choice to betray us, betrayed them as well, his decisions hurt his own siblings & parents too, the ramafications still linger - in respect of where other family members go, what they encounter, gossip, vile, everything.

This is a man whom we all loved & trusted.

He hurt my father & mother too. Everyone who ever trusted him felt hurt & alienated, he duped us all & made sh1t of us.

Okay enough of the sentiment. What to do.

Firstly your family are important but YOU need to decide YOUR SPOUSE IS MORE IMPORTANT.

We actually had a family meeting, brothers his & mine were ready for their own versions of 'teach him never to lie to them again'.

I waded in & told them clearly that I LOVE HIM, I WANT HIM.
If you love me then you will support me in my efforts to save our family.

They were raging, both sides, I was driven swiftly by loving family to a solicitors office, our joint family men were taking it in turns to 'protect' me from being with my husband by keeping him away, & offering to change the locks.

Both extended families cried. Both stoic strong angry fathers hated who had become his told me he wasn't worth it, mine asked me to consider life beyond the pain, to think of life in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years. Who did I want to be, & how would I get their & with whom & how.

My Daddy & Mammy calmed me, & my angry brothers.

The simple told them that it was MY CHOICE, that they had no say in it, but should certainly help their sister to be happy which ever choice she made.

My brothers couldn't look him in the eye, his wanted to beat him black & blue.

I rang them all & told them HE NEEDED THEM TOO. HE NEEDED THEM MORE THAN ME, HE NEEDED TO FEEL SAFE WITHIN OUR FAMILIES.

We all closed ranks around our family because I WANTED IT.

The families opened their doors but not their hearts for a long, long time - this hurt my husband.

I explained that all though I could love & forgive they did not have to.

I asked my husband to think in their shoes.
How would he react if it had been his little sister or even our own daughter, how would he feel towards the man who would do that to an innocent woman or girl?
How would he help that man who made conscious decision to hurt his wife on purpose by his choices for selfish gains & not frankly care who else he betrayed or hurt when committing adultery?

It took almost 2years of consistent caring for me, for them to see he is a changed man, & even now sometimes if we have 'normal' relationship difference's I have to stop & realise I must share more of the good with my family so they can see his integrity for real.


When they see & know I am happy they are more accepting.

When they see & know what he has done to love me more, & protect our children, they are more loving.

It takes softening of hearts through time & actions.

Best wishes Ktulu

When I was the WS, I was terribly ashamed to have to deal with BH family. He only has one sister, but realizing I had lost her respect was painful. But, part of my fog wanted everyone to tell me it was alright and that I would always be a part of their family...But it wasn't alright and I had no right to expect WH's family to give me a shot.

When we reconciled, his family was very pleased and I felt welcomed. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, I try to be cautious when speaking about the stuff to my family. I know it will be hard for my mom to ever forgive WH (if we did reconcile) My sister does really well, she listens to me rant and rave and cry, but she says that if WH would ever start acting right again, she could muster up some happiness for me.

The strained family relationships are part of the adultery package. The BS's hears all the bad stuff and the pain, but doesn't get to see the warm fuzzies usually at first. Just show by your actions that your husbands heart is safe with you. Don't expect them to forgive and trust quickly. Good luck.

If only we had it within us to tell how people would react.

Our community actually ostracized him, he was shunned on the street, his cell phone stopped ringing, his olde drinking buddies rang me, they could NOT stomach what he had done, they did not want to have anything to do with him, one man told me he hated him for the agony he was arrogantly enjoying, even his sports team did not want to be part of his life anymore. The only 'friends' who spoke with my husband during this horrific time were two other people heavily involved in their own affair.

I was shocked, deeply hurt & further humiliated.

Our children, our adult siblings were subjected to barbs.

I did not know people cared that much.

WE COCOONED, US & THE WORLD.

The first of many outings in public where tortureous.

We let the world know we were a team. (Inside shaking)

Eventually people started greeting him again.

My own father did what I consider a very valiant thing he went out with my husband, sat & laughed with him, sang together, & even rubbed his shoulder in front of a huge crowd.

As my Daddy told me later "He is the man you my daughter are chosing to love, he is the father of my grandchildren, I want to be proud of him too, for you, me, your kids & even himself".

My brothers came round they used to be best friends.

It was through seeing us regualarly out, that everybody got the idea eventually that if I his wife was happy, then they should accept us and let us live happily.


It is hard, but nobody but you & your spouse can do it for yourselves.

Best wishes Ktulu

I just want to thank everyone that has responded so far. I skimmed through all of the posts (I have to pick my students up in a few minutes and didn't have time to really digest what was said).

I just want it to be known that I am not trying to make my H sacrifice anything for me. I just him to understand that, while it might be hard initially, I am willing to be open and transparent with everyone that I hurt as a result of my actions in order to mend broken relationships. It may never be where it once was, but he knew that when he first decided to work on things after D-Day.

It's good to know that my H is not the only one who is going through this, and that things actually can get better with time.

Clearly, I must pray for patience for both of us!

Well, one of my sisters actually admitted to my wife that SHE had started to get involved in an EA with someone she'd met a few years ago. She never told her H, but ended it on her own and took some good steps to ensure that she wouldn't fall back into that trap again.

My wife was floored. But it helped for her to hear what my sister went through, and to know that it worked out in a good way.

My family is all aware of what we went through...but made it very clear that they didn't 'hold anything against her'. They still love her, and they're very happy that things worked out for us. And if they didn't respond that way, it would have been THEIR loss...not ours.

My H stepped up to the plate and ~pro-active~ called my parents and apologized TO THEM for causing their daughter (moi) pain and hurt and embarrasment.... without being asked to do that.

He made a man out of himself.

He earned my parents' respect.

He made a huge LB deposit for me....

It's what we do to FIX the damage we've made that defines us.

Cinny

go read

Hopeful Person ... ask her questions

she is the real deal !!!!!!

My WW Mother has told me that OM is not welcome in her home. Her brother and sister are appalled at her actions. so it's not only the BS family that has issues with A's.

Your BIL and SIL want the OM in the house? I will admit, I have some issues with my family over my A sometimes, but it is not because they think I was right!

my mistake, her brothers and sister are backing the mother in that they don't won't OM to come for any visits.
which will make it easier for me to bring DD to her grandmothers for holidays etc..

Oh, ok. Yeah, that makes more sense.

I am assuming by the fact that the thought of an OM coming to visit means he is still with your WW? I hope she comes around.

Pepper,

I took your suggestion a while ago and e-mailed my H's mom. She was less than appreciative. She responded with a rather hurtful e-mail telling me that I needed to grow up and stop acting like a child. She said that I was manipulative. I can't remember everything else that she sent me because I deleted it. But I remember it being very harsh.

I think trying to contact her right now would upset her, and thus upset my H.

I don't think I would know what to say anyways.