Having an emotional delimma and would like some advice. My H's affair started on the internet and then he made "business" trips out to see her. Since D-day he has not taken any true business trips out of respect and concern for me...but that cannot continue. He is being presured to answer about another trip and asked me what he should do. The truth is that i don't know if i ever will be comfortable with him going on trips again. I cannnot stop him forever at the expense of him losing his job. (getting another job is not an option because most positions require some travel, he is not traveling a lot on this job) He has offered that the whole family go to so i won't have to worry, but the problem is that we cannot afford it. He put us in a lot of debt to give the OW money to bail her out of her miserable life. What should i do? What should i tell him....I already feel myself shutting him out over just the thought of this...please help me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

~LT

If you can possibly swing it at all, I would go with him...

well I think you should slurp this man up one side and down the other...

he has offered you many things and options to assist you in coping with such a thing....

the truth is for your marriage to recovery you may need to figure out how to be comfortable for him to go on trips...

this is not to deny your pain
or not to deny the triggers this is causing..

BUT
the less drama you add to this the better and smoother this will be..

it sounds like you got a guy willing to try anything to make you feel OK about this...
if your post was about his callousness or dismissing your fears...then I would be more concerned..
but that's not as it sounds...

so he goes....
and he stays in complete contact and accountable to you all the time when not as work...

please don't punish him for trying to make this right..when we do that and when it happens to us...we give up trying to the right thing....which it sounds like he is trying to do

ARK

the problem isn't only the money, but pulling the kids out of school too to babysit him. (which will also cost more money to bring them)

do you have a husband that needs babysat..
or do you have a husband that is working with you to rebuild...

you can't have both....

and you can't control anything he does....

ARK

It's worth it...the highest priority is healing your family and keeping your family together..

It takes sacrifice beyond normal limits....

"To babysit him"...why do you have this attitude?

Not to babysit him...to be with him..he is your husband and the father of your children..

If this is true RECOVERY, spending extra time with him is necessary....

I used to pull my children out of school to go on trips with my H when they were little. The teachers understood and let them do reports about their travels....These were great times in our M and fond memories that my grown children have to this day...

What you all are saying is very true. And i guess it is a bit harsh to call it babysitting. It all comes down to the fact that he fractured my trust in him and i am scared. You see two weeks after D-day he had a business trip, I decided that to rebuid our relationship i would have to trust in him again so i let him go. This was a trip that i knew about a long time ago and had the conference brochure to confirm it. Though i was in deep depression and suicidal over the affair i let him go. That week her was gone i was an emotional wreck. When he came home i found out that the business trip was actually a goodbye week with the OW in our State not to far from my home. So business trips are an extreme sore spot for me and a huge trigger. I know what i am supposed to do, the problem is my emotions get in the way. I AM SO SCARED, scared of being hurt again. and though he has so far given me no reason to believe that he is in further contact with her, i cant help but feel guarded and frightened.

Hi losttiger,

I'll say that if going along on this trip with your FWH is too much of a hardship and you can't go alone without the kids( don't know how long the trips are?) then at some point,agreeing with ark here,he does have to be accountable and you do have to let him go and hopefully he will be true to you.

I can appreciate how hard this is for you and how painful.That is very normal given your past history with him.But in all honesty,there is the possibility he may not be faithful again.It's just a fact.Hopefully not true but what I did long ago was allow myself to accept that it was a possibility and that I would be ok no matter what happened.That is where the strength comes from,IMO.Knowing that,well,if the WH is dishonest and strays again,you can rely on yourself.Unless you have a crystal ball and can be with your FWH 24/7,there is just no way to be 100% sure all the time of someones integrity and honesty.They have to build that up over time to a point you are comfortable with.

You have every reason to be guarded and scared.You've been hurt.But at some point,again,you make your *own decisions about your *own life based on the actions of other's who are in your life.If your FWH is going to be sneaky and unfaithful,then you have decisions to make.If he appears to be honest and is accountable and doing what he needs to be to make you feel secure,then you make decisions with that knowledge.

Is this making sense? In other words,it has been my belief being here for almost two years and going through what I did,that a lot of the fear and insecurity we have is because of a placed burden on ourselves of relying too heavily on what the other person does and how it affects us and not feeling secure in our own selves.Of course it is painful and scary to go through all this and deal with a cheater.It always is.But,the difference I had was I always knew I would be ok no matter what,I loved and cared enough about myself that even my own WH wasn't going to bend the rules for me and make me break my integrity,value system,what I believed in,what I needed.

Part of the fear I think is the failure,knowing that our partners are failing so that must mean we are too.It isn't true.There are two partners in marriage.It's not like a ship where if one half is broken the other half goes to the bottom of the sea.We came to our marriages as individuals and we should always be that.Not the soulmates fused at the hips misleading expectation.

Anyway,I hope some of this made sense.I just would like you to feel empowered and not helpless.Ark is right,we cannot control anyone anymore than we could have when our spouses made the decision to cheat.No gun was put to their head.They did it willingly.

Be in charge of your own life and what you want from it.That *depends on NO ONE but yourself.

O

Ok so you are all right. I just told my H to book the trip and see exactly how much it would cost for us to go. If we don't go i would like to have some exact info regarding the trip and where he is staying. He is okay with all of that. *sigh* This is so hard, but i do need to find the strenght in me. (i may need some support from you guys if i don't go though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) say some prayers for me guys.

I felt this way for a long, long time.. After two years, this has just now eased up tremendously..

What has helped me is taking my H up on his offers to spend an extraordinary amount of time with him..

I've come to realize that his A was an addiction. He has engaged me in helping him with this...avoiding temptation...we work as a MARITAL TEAM on this..

Our R may look much different than other Rs that have not been through the trauma of infidelity..but it's absolutely necessary for us to take EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS..really I'm helping my H with this...

He calls me throughout the day, keeps me painstakingly aware of his whereabouts and wants me to go with him on all extended trips....

I don't call it babysitting..I call it MARRIAGEBUILDING...we have built a new, better and MORE INTIMATE MARRIAGE.....

Just sharing my experience with this.....

I think you are right in a way. My H just called me and he actually sounded excited at the prospect of us going too. He said that we should turn it into a trip too. I had only said check into how much it would cost for us to go and we will see from there and he heard we will go. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think the problem is that i am carring past baggage about trips. We used to go on his trips with him, but the kids were littler and he said that we were a distraction from the work that he was trying to do....so when i think about going i am afraid that i will start hearing the "distraction" line again. (and this was way before the A even happened.) I don't want to turn us going with into a further stressful situation.

This is your NEW MARRIAGE...

This is a NEW DAY....