Why cant I admit that my H is having an EA, possibly an PA with our so called best friend? I just cant see him or her as being that slimy and cold hearted that they would do that to me, to our children, to her children. I just dont want to believe it. I suppose that I am in serious denial. I know something is not right - I have felt this way for some time - perhaps 2 years or so. He knew her first - they work in the same building - but not in the same department or floor, they used to carpool togther with a bunch of other carpoolers, her husband stepped out on her while he has been stationed in CA the last three years and they just got divorced about 1 year ago. Since then, especially, she has been at our house almost as if she lives with us. She has two teenage boys - who hate their father right now - becuase of what he did. I cant imagine that she would in turn do the same thing knowing how angry that made her children. I also have two children - but much younger - mine are 8 and 3. She is godmother to the 3 year old. I just cant accept that he wouold be cheating on me. And I cant believe that she would do that to me, she is supposed to be my best friend. When she comes over - with at least one of her kids, she stays most of the night - as a matter of fact I go to bed before she leaves becuase my youngest gets up before the sun and I am the one she wants in the mornings. Sometimes they (Husband and her) will go out for a few drinks without me (Someone has to stay home), or to his family functions, lunch (I know this sounds bad - but I just dont believe it). I feel horrible that I ask my oldest for informaiton on what she has seen, and usually its nothing. I have been greiving since May of 04 - my step dad died without much notice that he was even sick, and it made me pay closer sttention to my life - and I am just not happy. Could it be that my husband has always been this way. Why wont he have the conversations about work and such with me and not her - is it just becuase they hear all the gossip first hand and he doesnt want to have to explain it to me? He has spent the night at her house - at least two times - both becuase he was very intoxicated and we were fighting, so I dont know what if anything happened - she does have the two boys and they see everything. I am just at odds what to think. I go to see my IC tomorrow. Can it be that I am just so depressed that I am making a huge thing out of this?
See I am truly shattered.

Oh I am so sorry. This happened to me many years ago. My lawyer told me this is common. I was shocked. It tore my heart out not only my H but my best GF in the world. You are probably right and I would ask her not to come over anymore. If she shows up tell her you know what is going on and she must stay away. They should not be out drinking together he has responsiblities at home.

bump

I know how you feel. Of course you don't want to believe that 2 people you love would betray you. My WH developed his EA with a family friend right under my nose. I had a feeling something wasn't right. I knew how much each of them love their families. I couldn't believe 2 "good" people could do such a terrible thing. It took a recorded conversation to truely convince me. They talked like friends and then the kissing started, and the talk of how they couldn't wait to be together. It sickens me.

Even if your WH is EA it is still an A. He is choosing to bond and share things with a woman that is not his wife. They may not even see it as an "Affair". The sad part is that EA almost always lead to PA.

Have you heard the frog story? I'll kind of summarize it.
If you put a frog into a pot of boiling water it jumps right out. It senses the danger. If you put a frog in a pot of tempid water it stays, as the heat slowly increases the frog adapts and doesn't sense the danger. The frog will stay there dead and boiled and never saw it coming.
That is how EA usually start. Its a series of innocent conversations and contacts that lead to a bond they don't see building.

If your friend had walked up to your H (or he to her) and said "Hey you want to have an affair and shatter our families? Or how about some fun sex, who's gonna know?" They both probably would have run screaming NO!!!!! Not that they didn't cross a line...they foolishly started a dangerous path and never saw the warning signs.

Have you read up on EA? Have you talked to your H and your friend? What evidence do you have?

I am definatly the frog. I am the dumb one to see it happening right before my eyes and never think anything was wrong until recently. I dont have any real evidence. I wouldnt even know how to go about getting it. Other than spending the time with her that he should be spending with me and his children, and the fact that we have not been intimate in a while, and he doesnt talk to me, doesnt touch me really, not even any endearing way. I know for sure this HAS to be an EA - becuase he has created a bond with her that doesnt exist with me any more. It makes me feel worhtless to him, like I am nothign to write home about. All our family sees this relationship too and they dont see anything wrong with it!? So I wonder if I AM making a huge thing over this. I just dont want to jump to any conclusions and accept he is having an affair - whaty if I am wrong? How do I find out if they are? He doesnt get on the computer at home, and everything they do is right in front of me, so they arent hiding - and I think THAT right there is his justification for telling me that nothing is going on. Except they do do things without me - becuase I am at home with his children - while he is out having a few drinks, or grabbing a bite to eat, or taking a trip to the dump for her, or whatever - becuase he feels bad that she is alone - HELLO - dont forget you have a wife. I always make the comment that his other wife or his girlsfriend os on the phone when she calls - he gets very angry at me, and I repeatidly tell him that he has one wife that I am aware of, but he thinks he has two - am I wrong in being the ****** about this? Am I going about this all wrong? I am hurting so badly that the meds I am on arent even helping me. I just want to scream, and cry, and yell, I am so shattered by this.

Hi SH, I am glad you made to GQII. First order of business to snoop and find out what is going on. You can tap your phone, if it's legal in your state, buy a keylogger to see what he does on the computer, and check your phone records online to see whom he has been calling and who has been calling him. If I were you, I would go to radio shack and call your phone company today to get the requisite information.

It is better to act than to dwell on the situation. Right now you are not sure of what is going on, and until you do, you will be in some kind of suspended limbo. This needs to be resolved ASAP. I wish you the best.

Welcome. I would get a babysitter, and start going out with your husband a couple times a week. You will find out soon enough, especially if he refuses to spend the time alone with you. I think that is your best bet. You don't have to accuse them of anything. Just bit by bit try edging her out.

If he complains about this, then you know there is trouble.

Also, if he is not having SF with you, it is probably already a PA. Prepare for that.

It is easier to hide from the truth then it is to face it head on. It reminds me of a country song in which the line is "Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then. Wish I could start this whole thing over again. When you say this couldn't be true, I just don't want to know how it ends". I was in your same boat in 1/03 where my husband was doing exactly like you were doing, and I too did not want to believe it, even thought the evidence, my family and friends were screaming it at me- that they were cheating. THe ow lived with us as our children's nanny, godmother to my youngest (at the time just born) and when I started questioning things, they started eludeing me- leaving as soon as I would get home. I tell you this so that you prepare yourself emotionally- do not disilliosion your self. You may think you did not want to know- and I wished that many times, however would you rather live in constant suspision and wonder?

Shattered,
You are not crazy. It may feel like that. I know I felt like that. We had a circle of friends 6 couples. Our families traveled together, spent weekends together. Every thought I was over reacting, I needed to relax they said "Oh your H loves you, he would NEVER cheat on you." I started having anxiety attacks, in my gut I knew and I doubted my own instincts.

We spent alot of time with her family. My H was friends with her H. My kids had sleepovers with her kids. She was welcome in my house, and shared food at my table. I would cry to her and ask why my H was so distant from me. She would look me in the eye and say she didn't know. I thought I knew how much time they spent together, he would tell me "We went out for a drink after the meeting." I thought he wasn't hiding anything from me. Then I found the cell phone bill with 70 calls to her, that he would leave work to meet her, that they would meet in parking lots just to have time alone.

Don't doubt yourself. If you think there is a problem there probably is. You can get a voice activated digital recorder for under $30 at Walmart, digital recorders are silent on and off. Hide it somewhere, where you know they will be talking alone. Get the evidence. If it proves there is nothing going on then you will feel better. If you get evidence something is...you can plan accordingly. Either way you need to make a plan, there are problems in your marriage...or he would not be so involved with her. You need to identify and address the problems.

Keep posting here. I am not one of the wise ones, I am still struggling with my own issues. But you will get support to get you through this. You are not alone and you are not crazy, paranoid, overly jealous or hallucinating. Once you have a plan of action you will feel empowered. The kind souls here will help guide you. You have come to the right place. There is a future and there is hope.

Do they talk on a land line phone?

Hi Again - me - shattered - ok - met with IC yesterday - was really upset when I left - thought I was going to have to look for someone else but then I started to process everything that was said and I am taking believer's advice and I am flirting with my husband - sounds so giddy - but since yesterday I am actually having a great deal of fun with this - I am prepared if he doesnt warm up and respond - but if he does than I know he is still interested and all is not lost. However, if there is none then I know I can leave the situation knowing I did not fail. I am believing in that. So, instead of being doom and gloom I am taking the positive side of this. If anyone has ideas on how I can flirt with him - its been so long - it would be appreciated - clean flirting if you please. Subtle things

Shattered,

""clean flirting if you please. Subtle things""

Why just "clean" flirting? I thought you wanted to get his attention! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Also you could get a voice activated tape recorder and hide it where ever they gather. Turn it on when you go up to bed. Or hide it in his car.

k

There are all kinds of costumes for sale now, could there be a french maid in his future, wee, wee?

You can try subtle first...but he may not get it! Some men don't even notice subtle when they are paying attention...let alone if they are in fog.

Subtle can be a lingering look with a grin like you've got a secret.

A kiss that lasts a second or 2 longer

The famous hair flip

Ask him if he likes your new perfume, have him come in close to smell

Watch him get dressed...and smile...ask him to wait a minute before he buttons his shirt and gently brush away some "lint".

Comment that those pants make his butt look cute.

I asked for clean - I meant describe it clean..... otherwise I would be banished from this site! :-)
And I dont want him to think that I want him solely for the sex. I want it for everything.
SO far I have been sending text and emails - and he likes it - so there is a response but nothing directed to me - but I will be patient - I know I have to give it time to sway him my way again. I will endevour and persist on.
He did give me a very sweet card today (It is my bday today) and he did write "I love you" in it.

Happy Birthday Shattered!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Its the perfect reason for you and your H to go out and celebrate. Go do something fun. Something where you can laugh and have light conversation. Be sure to shave and wear sexy underwear. Maybe he'll find out maybe he won't that'll be your secret. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

SH,

Beware, Beware, Beware. My FWH remained in contact with a college classmate from school in Paris for a decade after graduation. She lived there and we in the states. I had met her and she had even visited our home once. When she moved back to the US with her husband, the level of communication between she and FWH increased. He even gave her free lance work as a writer. I frequenly mentioned her over the years and I NEVER gave it a moments thought.....Come on, I had SEEN this woman, BIG, DUMPY, SLOPPY dresser, just plain unattractive....why worry?!

I should mention that theirs was a phone and internet involvement at this point due to residing on opposite sides of the country. Anyway, somewhere along the line, with increased communication and confiding personal problems to each other, it all started. ALL of the signs were there, too bad I never looked until the evidence smacked me in the head. If I had been paying attention, I could have stopped the EA from becoming an 8 month PA.

If you are uncomfortable with his relationship with OW, tell him how you feel and ask him to end it. His reaction will tell you alot. It may not be too late to stop it from becoming a PA, ACT NOW.

Shattered,

""And I dont want him to think that I want him solely for the sex. I want it for everything.""

According to John Gray in "Mars & Venus in the Bedroom" For the man sex IS everything! Or its the begining of everything. The man feels most loved with SF.

As a man I must agree. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k