hello,


been reading for awhile, its time to write. hello all. i feel like i know some of you already.
A little of my background. Ive been married for 13 years neither of us knew how to do a marriage right. We had fight in jan and decided to seperate. h moved out in march, we were going to work on things but he would make me mad so I would tell him no. I wanted space but he missed me so much that he would always call. I knew he loved me and I loved him but trully thought it would never work. I saw him as the bad guy. after months of telling him I would never go back, he decided to go out with someone we had both known. she approctched him. he was huting so bad that he wanted to get over me and not be alone.

i took it harder than I expected he slept with her fast I coulnd believe he would do that to me. i hurt the whole time but i wasnt going to ask him to come back. I know now there were things I needed to learn. the ow is 18 yrs younger than my h. the age of my daughter. I knew this girl was wrong for him.

after 5 weeks they broke up we got back together, we both deserved another chance. 1 week later found out ow pregnant. im not sure how to do this. help, I dont feel nc is an option now.how do iget through this. how do i not bring it up to h. how do i not compare myself to her shes 20 years younger then me.

thanks now for your help and support [color:"yellow"] [/color]

imtswife, Sorry to hear about your story, what is it with married for 13 years??? Seems like almost everyone on here is married for 9-13 years when this happens!

I'm no expert on all the steps possible, but if you and your H are trying to work things out, and he was involved in a short-term A while you were separated, and now OW is pg... why do you say NC is not an option?

My H didn't have one iota of C with OW from 3-9 mos. pg, didn't go to the hospital, and hasn't seen her or the baby. NC is always an option. Do you have children together that would be affected by the existence of an OC?

Here's why I say NC from my experience, for now at least.
#1) It gives you 2 a chance to heal your M
#2) It gives WH a chance to disconnect from OW/his feelings for her
#3) It gives OW a chance to realize that your H is NOT going to be there with her or for her
#4) She hasn't had the baby yet (lots of things can happen, OW's miscarry, abort, or lie & were never pregnant in the first place) The OW of my H lied about being pg several times before she really pulled it off...
#5) Paternity hasn't been proven yet

So, in the meantime, I absolutely think NC is your best option. He doesn't need to be in her life to support her thru the pg. The baby doesn't know he is or isn't there for him/her right now...

Don't compare yourself to her either, she's 20 years younger and 20 years stupider. Obviously.

NTL

I sure don't have any answers, but I did want you to know that I faced a similar situation. My xWS was 47 years old. His OW was 21...the same age as his oldest child. They met at their NA/AA meetings. She would call our house, but I figured it was NA/AA related and that it was none of my business. Afterall, it was an anonymous group.

I did mention to my xWS a few times that men were supposed to support men and women support women according to the recommendations of AA. My ex played it off as that he was helping her with her fiance who had relapsed! I suggested she go to Al-anon like the rest of us family members.

When I finally confirmed that my WS was having an affair, the OW was 7 months pregnant with his child (although my xWS wasn't totally convinced it was his.) My xWS did say he would like to try and reconcile with me, but he knew he could never ask that of me under the circumstances. He did make it clear that he would never abandon his child. That he felt an obligation to parent his child. That the child was innocent and deserved to have his father in his life. He planned on being with the OW at the child's birth for the child's sake.

I know that most people don't think that the baby knows any difference. I don't believe that is true. Bonding goes on at birth, especially in the first 2 weeks. Studies have shown this. If an infant does not bond well with a parent, they may later develop psychological issues around their capacity for attachment. I felt that the OC's wellbeing must come first. If I had shared any children with my WS, I might not have been as open to the idea.

I told my xWS that I would take it one step at a time. I wasn't sure I could accept an OC into my life and not be resentful. He agreed with what I shared. We had already been divorced at that time.

Well, next thing I know the OC is born....and I hear about it from a co-worker who is in Recovery! What the heck?? I confront my WS about it. He said he was all upset because within hours of the OC being born they thought that he might have Down Syndrome.(He did) No excuse! This was a number of days later!

I finally met the OC when he was about 2 months old. The first time I held him and gave him a bottle I knew that I could love him.

It was to no avail. I spent the next year listening to my xWS talk about how awful the OW was...that he hated her, but stayed for the OC's sake. Month after month he was going to move out. It is three years later. He and the OW live together with their son. They've never married.

Throughout all of this I was dealing with my feelings of inadequacy compared to the body of a 21 yr old woman. My xWS couldn't have hurt me much more in his choice of the OW. I know we shouldn't compare, but you try to figure out what went wrong and if there was something you could have done differently. I obviously could never be 21 again.

My step-daughter wrote me a letter in which she said "The OW can never replace you. You have more class in your little finger than she'll ever have." I guess my xWS wasn't looking for "class".

This is a painful time for you and your spouse. Having an innocent little baby involved just makes it worse. I would encourage you to take it one step at a time if both of you are not certain about what you want to do in terms of the OC.

My heart aches for you. Please know that I care and wish you the best in your decision making.

imtswife, Hello. I just wanted to share my experience. My H and I were married for 6 years (almost to day) when OC was conceived. We had lived together for 8. We too were short on "how to be happily married" skills. Things started coming to a head when our youngest was born with 2 major birth defects (and a medically stressful pregnancy). We both had a hard time coping with our own grief. pain, confusion and thus the marriage went on back burner. The fights grew more and more frequent and we separated when our youngets was almost 2. Neither of us knew if this marriage could work. Because I was more invested (3 young children and financially dependent) I think I became more willing shortly after he left. We did some counseling but he soon "had no time". He loved me, but questioned being able to live with me, could this work?, could we change?, he was living in his office (owned his business), felt displaced, unloved, unappreciated, etc. He started a 2 month affair 2 months after he left the house, she conceived within days of our 6th wedding anniversary. He ended affair about a week later, and then a week later he got the news. He sat on it and waited for her to get ultrasound, etc. and told me 2 weeks later.

For the first 3 weeks after D-Day, I was gone, I'd done all I could, I was moving on. H didn't ask for me to stay, he says he felt like he had no right. But slowly as we moved through the grief stages, as we apologized to eachother, took responsibility for our roles in the marriage and grieved we began to have some really honest conversations. One day H sat me down and told me everything he felt for me without asking for anything in return. That was the turning point for me. I could see he truly loved me and his sincerity in light of the affair made me respect him again. I didn't KNOW if I could do it, but I decided not to slam the door...yet.

Having NC in this situation is a personal choice. If H wants to be involved in child's life, then you have to decide what you are willing to do. You can't make a decision for him, nor he for you. If you can't do it, you must be honest with all and not hold this over his head for eternity.

Give yourself time, you never know what you are capable of. Limiting C during pregnancy is very doable and for all the reasons someone else suggested. I think it was very helpful to focusing on our M and readjusting xOW's expectations. By the time the baby was born I think our XOW wasn't sure if H WAS going to want visitation or if SHE even wanted it. I simply explained to her that H was not trying to ignore her, but that it was a conflict of interests for H to continue C with her and concentrate on our M. She understood and slowly, the reality of her new life sunk in...as it did for me.

Our OC is almost 6 months now and we are doing fine. I still have my days and trigger moments and would just as well assume that xOW didn't have to set foot in my house, but all in all we have done very well. XOW is very sane compared to some on this board. Though I think she had feelings for my H, I think she quickly moved on in that department and we haven't had any emotional outbursts with eachother.

I was able to separate OC from OW easier than I had thought. She is my H's daughter and my children's sister and that's all.

If you have a chance in heck in your M of surviving this NC is the only way to go right now. If H HAS to have C regarding $$ he can talk to her when you are there. This was the only way I felt any security in the matter. XOW nees to know you are a united front and that this is not ALL about her. The only way for your H to prove his loyalty to you is to show it. When the baby comes, he has time to bond, but he doesn't need to be there for her doctor visits, or even birth. There will be time for that. I have 3 children and I doubt it made a difference in their bonding with their father that he was at the birth or not...that was for me. Good luck and God Bless! I am sorry you find yourself here, but you can overcome!

hi,

thanks for your thoughts. Its making me think. wow what a long story this is, I am a mom that believes kids need their fathers, when my h first told me i told him I couldnt do it. He then said he wouldnt see it cause m more important.I told him I couldnt be with a man that would deny his own child. there is a history over time im sure all will be told. I coulnt handle the pain of not being with him so we got back together.

I know im the most important to him. i read back on some of your story cold your story alot like mine. but right now I seem to blame my husband more cause he was the adult, this girl is very immature. I feel motherly towards her. I kept telling h while he was seeing her to use a condom cause she could get preg but he didnt it makes me mad and it hurts me. my h doesnt have c with ow i do. She doesnt understand why he cant be happy and show that he cares. she doesnt get it. how did you all stop getting angry at your h, how do you trust that h isnt going to run to ow if you have a fight. I dont know if its a matter of trust or low feelings of myself. anyway, she is a lonely girl like i said i know her, my h and i belonged to the same club she goes to. i welcomed her when she first came in. personally i dont see her handling a baby very well. her mom wants her to have an abortion. i dont believe in that. but theres still a part of me that hopes she will lose it, awful of me, ya think. or that it wont be his, I dont want to pay child support again. were almost done with cs from his d from first wife. d is 18 now. I often wonder what i did to deserve this. Ive already had my turn with his first wife. She put us through h*** when we first got married had to move out of state for 3 yrs just so our m had a chance. Imhoping shell give us joint custody, hoefully she will when she sees how hard it is,withno real support to help her. By the way we also have 4 grandkids oldest will be almost 8 when oc is born. ow wants hd to be her coach for her delevery, only saw her twice. thats how alone she is, its sad, but she had no bis going out w mm she knew he still loved me. my h wasnt her first mm or her oldest. I really think shes trying to get her daddys love through these men. oc is really going to need us.
well ive rambled enough, thanks for listening.

imtswife:

Wow you sure do have a lot of compassion!

You said that you hoped that she gives you joint custody. She really does not have a choice. Your husband has just as much right over seeing this oc as she does. The courts perfer that joint custody is wanted.

I hope that the ow apprceciates your commpassion. I also hope that she learns from this drastic lesson and stops w/the MM's and learns what birth control is all about.

Good luck to you and your husband.

Welcome to the board--so sorry you need it. Does your H show remorse? How many children do you have together?

Just want you to know many marriages have survived this, with or without contact. It's important to address all the issues in the marriage, not ignore what happened. This MB site is excellent--read the principles for good marriage, do the quizzes, etc, read recovery books (our fave was After the Affair by Janis Abram Spring), and get counseling if possible.

IF you have visitation later, you'll need a plan for boundaries and how to handle xow, and what circumstances would make you and H by joint agreement to stop contact. However, don't do anything until DNA is proven!!!!! Protect your finances.

Re: comparing yourself to xow, the best thing is to ignore that as much as possible. She was a matter of CONVENIENCE for him, kwim?!! She was willing to "put out" at a time he was being needy and stupid... her attributes from now on will only matter in so far as whether you have to deal w/her for visitation. If what he really wants is his marriage, then being the best *you* is all that matters!!

(that's spoken from years down the road. I do my share of comparing H's to me too, but what a waste of time.)

I found it better to tell almost no one in the beginning, as I did not want to be hassled about what Others thought I should do or not do about marriage, and OC. People will often support you once some healing is made, time passed, etc. It can be hard for them to support the marriage if they spent the early months bashing your H.

Best wishes,
J
recovery 7years--a success story!
1y visitation w/OC
3 kids at home
married 19y

hello all,

thanks to all of you. it sure helps knowing your all out there.

my h had an awful ew that gave h no rights concerning his dd. h paid cs yet had no rights we never could afford to get a lawyer to fight it. even worse she had another son that the father flat refused to pay cs, yet exw let him see and have his kid whenever he wanted. she always made problems for him then us. anyway it makes us concerned about how things would go with ow. with her being so young i feel that we have better chances. but how do we go about filing for joint custudy without getting a lawyer as we still cant afford one. should we tell other woman shes already afraid were going to try to take baby. i told her no that i just wanted to help her. i think it would benefit her also if we had oc half the time. id like to convince her that it would be in everyones best interest.
i need to leave it all in gods hands his will not mine. i sqrew up alot when i go on my own selfwill.
anyway help withthis issue would be greatly appriciated.

thanks and bye for now

You should have a self help center at your family court house. Most courts now encourage both parents to be invovled.

I would have your h find out (if he has not already) what her true intentions are. That why you know what your going to have to fight and what your not.

How old is oc? Some courts will not allow (unless equally agreed) overnight visits until a certain age. SHE CAN NOT HOWEVER NOT ALLOW HIS FAMILY MEMEBERS out of the loop. Unless there is proven abuse of some type. So basially she is playing her cards. You have to legalize this NOW. The sooner the better.

Your selfhelp center can not give you legal advise, but they can help you with the forms you need.

Also, if you know someone who has gone through a custoday and has an order, it can be copied of course, but with your own words.

You have to file petitions to for the DNA test, and CS and etc.