A question is forming and I'm at a loss...

I want kids. If I can't have babies of my own, I like to think I would love someone else's child, children, with all the love in me anyway. They don't have to come from my body for me to love. At least that's what I think.

So here is the query. And don't laugh. Oh, OK, go ahead and laugh. Is that the same as being a parent? Or, if my family is adopted by me alone, or with someone else who might already have kids, will I always be a second class sort of parental-figure?

Will I be a real mom that way? Or in reality, will I always be a very good substitute, but still a substitute, for the real thing? Never quite mother enough and never able to be since I can't?

Even the closest of friends have, at times, I hope not intending to hurt, said the horrible - you don't know, you're not a parent or you're not a mother. Realistically, I'm asking, even if I adopted an older child would I still never know?

Are there any other men/women around MB who couldn't or didn't have children and won't be able to? What has been your experience with any of this? I'm curious...

Sally

My dear,

My step dad came into my life when I was 6 - he is NO less my father than any other father - in fact - I had HIM walk me down the aisle over my biological father.

He has two daughters from previous relationships that he loves dearly that one grew up with her mother, and the other in a disabled group home - I never felt any less one of his children or less love than the ones that are his blood.

He legally adopted me when I was 11, and my birth certificates were changed to his name. Most of the time, I forget that we aren't blood related - he is my DAD - he has been there for everything, loved and supported me through everything, and always told me how much he loved me.

he is the wise old dad that I post about on here in regards to Christianity.

If you adopt - you will love those childer or child as if you had given birth to them yourself - you will connect, and you will hurt like any other parent. they will be YOUR children and blood won't matter - and with all the love you give them - they will love you just as if you were their blood parents - and probably love you more than the parent that isn't around.

You will cry when they go to school, cry when they graduate, cry at their wedding as you will know they are YOUR children and you raised them - and a piece of you is in them - not blood, but your influence, your love, your teachings.

You will be a great mom. And you will love that child as much as any child that you could have birthed. That is the love I received and still receive from my dad.

Sally - Whatever lucky child you end up with, you will love like no love you've ever known. That comes from nurturing, not birthing the child.

I love my step-kids the same as I love my birth kids. It's the day in and day out caring and sacrificing for them that counts.

Personally, I think you will be a wonderful mom.

Thanks. I stopped crying. Now I'm crying again. I'll come back when I stop.

Sally

Sally, you all ready have the heart of a mother, listen to you.

Only you can decide what kind of parent you will be, if you act as a substitue you will be one.

I believe there are people who can love another child as their own, there are also others who can't. I feel the ones who can, know it, and it sounds to me like you know it.

Go for it, adopt a child or 6, see if you can get a deal, I would Loooooooooooove more children, I'm always looking for free ones. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jelly

Jelly,

You got me smiling in one thread only to have me in fresh (but very good) tears in this one! This is the most emotional I've been since I quit HRT and it feels so much nicer.

I've always been scared to have kids. I knew I didn't have a lot to offer above love, food, clothes and shelter. For the longest time I didn't think that was enough. I'm still not sure but I feel this terrible-and-good-at-the-same-time pang whenever I see people with their children.

I still much prefer the fantasy of a family that has a husband and children like regular people... All the brains didn't fly out of my head completely, I know it's selfish and selfish does NOT go hand in hand with mothering, but I am considering the more selfish routes now.

Is it so wrong?
Sally

Sally, if Kimmy can love two OC as much as her own flesh then you can love a child that is not your of your flesh my dear. It is as Jelly said, in your heart to do so.

Mothering is done with the heart, not the uterus. Or the ovaries, either. You've got what it takes. It's not all sunlight and sparkles with the ones we squirt from our very own bodies, for that matter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Even Neak and Neaksis have caused (and received) a cloudburst or two! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Although, I think that what Neaksis did by adopting those kids is a wonderful thing...given all the alternatives for those children, I believe that the ideal for most children is to have both a mother and a father in the home. I do not think that the role of the father should be downplayed or seen as unnecessary. I do not mean to slight any single parents who find themselves in that role by circumstances beyond their control or they adopted a child(ren) who is(were) less able to be adopted by a couple or anyone else.

I will also say that, in my opinion, of the parents I have observed that have adopted children, (some with natural children as well), there seems to be just something that I can't quite put my finger on that is missing. It is odd but I can't explain it. I think there is a slightly different bond with your own flesh and blood child. I also think that genetics can play a role in who the child becomes. I would want to know about the background of the birth parents before adopting. (extreme example: is the birth father in prison for murder). I know my opinion will be unpopular. Forgive me if I have offended anyone.

I do believe that most of those parents who adopted love their children and try to provide good, loving homes as they would children born of their own bodies.

This is only my opinion, which may be worth less than 2 cents.

Sally, were you told after you miscarried that you couldn't or shouldn't try to conceive again?

If you can have children of your own, naturally, and within a marriage, I would shoot for that. If you can't, then consider adoption.

Either way, I believe you would make a great mom.

Sally,

Does this mean I can start setting you up with single dads?

All kidding aside, I think you'd be a great mom whether it be natural, adopted, or step. As long as there's love and nurturing, that makes a "real" parent.

Dobie

See you are all ready acting as if you are expecting a child, EMOTIONAL!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't understand why you are feeling this is an act of selfishness, I'm confused, and that is very hard to do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Trix, your opinion is valuable any and every time you give it. I am in agreement with you. My ideal is a happy home with a mom and a dad raising a family together. It sounds like such a huge fantasy when I say it or write it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Phil is very fertile. I'm not. We openly discussed our options with each other and his family. I'd made my peace with not having children or so I thought. Phil felt the same way. When we found out we were pregnant (unexpectedly and unplanned) that changed.

One of the big positives that came out of plan A was our discussion about the pregnancy, hopes, dreams, sorrow, feelings of helplessness and failure. Phil's words were lovely even though anguished and I am grateful that he let me see his pain over our loss, even a year later.

It could be that I am not meant to be part of a family. I don't want to be so rigid in my ideals that I give up on something that could be wonderful just because it doesn't fit in with how I think life is meant to be. So many questions. So much to learn and unlearn... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I feel kind of lucky to even get to consider alternatives.

Sally

You'd be a great parent Sally. You're funny, emotional, caring and an "idiot". What more could a child want? tt

Dobie, Not just yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

faithful, t&l, Dobie - Awww. If I could only bottle this feeling. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thank you. What a great way to begin a new day.

Jelly, I've often thought wanting a child for no other reason than wanting something to love, hug, impress (as in teach) and reflect ourselves in the world eternally and so on, is kind of selfish.

From the outside looking in, it seemed (among other things) like the ultimate in personal vanity.

Like I said, I am re-thinking. Maybe it's not a selfish way to be. Maybe it is selfish, and maybe even if it is, that's OK?

Sal

I always thought it selfish too. I had advised my older sister against adopting as a single parent even though she would have been a wonderful mother. When she married, she decided not to have children with her now xH because he was an abusive alcoholic. She helped with his 4 daughters and grandkids as she could...even getting together with them and staying in touch after the DV. They were married 10 yrs. One of his D's was on her side in the courtroom during the DV.Others didn't attend.

She regrets never having kids. She has a dog and a cat.

I know people can argue either side of this. There are lots of older kids that would love to be adopted by a single parent.

My sister was very career oriented and a workaholic. She also had a tendency to get hooked up with the wrong guys. She is on her third alcoholic. So far, at 2 yrs into it, this one isn't abusive and is trying to control his drinking. I have my doubts long term.