im writing you this letter because you think you know how ive felt this whole time.So im going to tell you how ive felt and how i feel i would tell you in person but its too hard for me to look you in the face and tell you all of this especially because i dont like your the same man i married. you broke my heart a long time ago and let that love go when you failed to show me how me how much you loved me. For a long time i i felt that i didnt even matter to you because thats what you were showing me. and that hurt me so much. you wondered why i never said anything to you about that but i shouldnt have to spend time with me-you should have wanted to. I shouldnt have to tell you to show me affection-you shouldve wanted to. and i shouldnt have to to tell you to love you because you just should.but you didnt give me any of those for too long- and thats when you broke my heart which no ones ever done before to me. You keep telling me im weak for giving up and not trying. I tried to be strong for so long...trying to be a good wife, trying not to to let you down. but you let me down as a husband. It hurt so much when you wouldnt go anywhere with me, when you wouldnt even sit next to me on the couch and just hold me. because you wanted to be with me. im sorry for what ive done to you and hurting you, i never intentionally wanted to but you also need to realize how much you hurt me. how much you let me down over the last two years.and there are too many times to even remeber. And that makes me so sad so angry and so hateful twards you. And i you never made an effort to be a part of my family. but now that this is goin on between us, theyre all of a sudden your new family. im not mad that your spending time with them but i feel like your taking them away from me. My dads the only one that wont pass judgement. But now that you guys are becoming close im afraid i wont have that either. I dont want you to think that i dont want you to spend time with them. But Why? why did it take this long for you to try and build a relationship with them, after ours had fallen apart? dont you think i would have liked to spend time with them and you before? But No all i ever heard from them was wheres jeff? and all i could say was "home". And then they would ask why and i wouldnt know what to say. I know you are trying to change things but its too late. HOw do you fall back in love with someone you dont even like anymore? I wish it were different but its not. for that im sorry.
heather

and thats her letter to me. I think its time i evalute my neglect of her. understand that i was a horrible person without being aware of it and call it a draw...no winners here folks. just a wife that needed love, a husband that thought he was loving just enough to get by and bittersweet ending to it all. do i really think i can change her mind? thats not fog talking that just someone who was neglected doing what was right for them. it hurts but i think shes right and i need to reevaluate myself and move on.

Well, I would write her back, and let her know that you are so sorry that she was lonely and hurting because of your actions. Tell her you were complacent and lazy, but that you do love her, and are working on changes.

Let her know that you never meant to break her heart, and would give anything to undo the damage.

It is probably best to say these things, no matter how your marriage turns out.

F4WR -

Almost every point in that letter could have been written by my WW to me. I neglected her, and threw myself into work.

It is never too late, even after D...just work hard to change yourself, try to follow the guidelines of Plan A/B, and pray. You can't change her heart, but God can...and if he doesn't, then you will have to learn how to forgive yourself, learn a lesson from this experience, and move forward with your new knowledge.

It is sad that we men aren't naturally more observant and intuitive, 'cause we sure could eliminate many heartbreaks in this world...



TM

Don't become convinced that this justified her affair - it did not. That was her wrong choice.

BUT, at least you know exactly what her emotional needs are and what your Plan A can look like!

I swear my wife wrote that letter - I'm not going to give up because i owe it to myself, my wife and my children to be a loving person to my wife and children - I listen to a CD - everyday (twice) about acheiving your dreams - have it clear in your mind and don't try to figure it out first - you will only demoralize yourself - beleive it and you will acheive - one small step at a time.

i know that it doesnt justify her affair but i think it best if i just let it go. For my sanity, for her happiness, and for the future of both of us. I dont agree with everything shes said but theres no reason i should keep trying when shes made up her mind over a year. If you love someone, let them go. Ive decided to let her go. Because i love her. If this is God's plan than i should just let him decide whats best for us both. My pastor/MC told me to call him tomorrow and see how i feel but i think that ill feel better about everything by just letting go. I love her. Ill miss her. And ill always remeber the good times. And as long as i have a computer ill keep posting here because everyone here is amazing. Theres so much love here for all of the broken people who need bandaids for thier hearts. I do know that it takes two to make a marriage work but i really started this mess and she was a wonderful wife that like a plant i forgot to water. It may work out in the future but for now i think im just going to let it go. Let her walk away. And work on myself. I have a lot to learn. A lot to do. And a long lonely road to walk. My heart breaks as i think this but its better for me, because to hang on would just keep killing me. To everyone else, STAY STRONG. I cant find that inner strength. Prayer, friends, family...they just cant help me. I need closure. I need sumthing to accept. Working on saving my marriage when faced with such adversity is too hard. Call me weak but i just cant do it this way. I need to move on and if she does come back one day. But until then, I have to set her free for the both of us. Much love to you all and Good luck to everyone fighting4whatsright.
I pray for the day that she comes back but i wont wait for it.
and my prayers go out to all of you who have the inner strength to keep fighting.

You might find that you are much stronger than you think.

God bless you.

Fight,

From the perspective of a FWS (and I've been both BS as well as WS), I will say this:

Your WW has a point that the neglect probably made your M vulnerable to an A. But the ultimate choice to have an A was hers. Sometimes it takes us a while to realize that....but when push comes to shove, SHE chose to be emotionally (and physcically?) close to another man.

So while admitting and taking responsibility for the neglect is important (in the M) it still does not justify her A. In her mind, right now, it might. But for you both to recover, she must realize that she had other options rather than turning to an A.....counseling, confronting you....divorce....

Not all wonderful options. But options that would have been more appropriate (and healthier) than the A.

So please understand that I commend you for taking responsibility for the neglect. That is admirable. But remember not to take responsibility for the A. That was her choice, and her task to work on. Do NOT dismiss it or 'forget about it.' It is something you BOTH will want to remember (although at times, you will wish you did not) and will both want to LEARN from.

Life is about experience. Both good and bad. You learn from the reality of it. From the joy or the hurt. But none-the-less, you have to learn what was YOUR responsibility and what was HERS.

YOUR responsibility was to be a loving, attentive H.

HERS was to be faithful, and if there were problems, to raise them with you, and to solve them with you. Worst case scenario, if you didn't acknowledge the problems, she should have left before having an A.

From a FWS perspective (yet again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) often we 'fog' ourselves with the belief that we don't want the M to end. We just want the attention, the care, the 'love' from our H's....we don't really want the A. In some sense that is true.

But at the same time, we go about it in a completely unhealthy way.......conflict avoidance. If that's what we want, why don't we stand up for it in a respectable way? Why don't we bring it up as a point of discussion? Why don't we have enough self confidence to stand up for what we believe should be something that both spouses feel for each other?

Of course, that's the way it SHOULD be. But some of us are not as strong as others. Some of us thought we were strong until we did what we did. And, as a result, we need to learn how to be strong for ourselves. And not put the blame on others.

Sorry for the rant. Just know that you did hold some responsibility for the degradation of the M - as did she. But when it comes to her A.....she is SOLELY responsible for making that choice. And THAT is something she will have to work through.

Wishing you all the best.......

LIT

I had a night just like yours just a few months ago. I was certain there was no way I was going to win back the heart of my wife. My boundary was I simply refused to be in a loveless marriage. I believed the only way I could get WW back was by coercion. By using my daughter, $$$$, etc.. I thought I could never win back her heart.

By that time I had found MB and committed to a 3 or 4 month Plan A. I was not posting, only lurking (I wish now I had posted as I could have ended the affair a lot sooner but that's another story). I figured I would regret not trying so I continued, despite my reservations, with my commitment to Plan A and being the best husband I could be, demonstrate the changes I had/was making, and enjoy the rest of the summer as best I could as a family. If my 5 y/o daughter was going to have to endure the coming pain...this summer was not going to painful in and of itself.

Amazing things happened when I turned it all over to God. At that moment I prayed "Dear Lord, give me the power to change what I can change and accept that which I can not change". Since I didn't think I could change her heart, I accepted it and let her go. I am not promising you the miracles God performed for me that very week but I can tell you that within a week or two of that very night OM broke up my wife and she and I set out on our journey to recovery. Plan A was more effective when I gave up attemting to control the situation. I no longer acted or appeared needy or desparate. I regained my confidence even though it was feigned confidence through acceptance of the inevitable. I was able to withstand, without traumatic heartbreak, a couple of breaches to the agreed to No Contact as my wife made her journey back to our marriage. Today, I find myself in a completely new place...a trusting marriage more satisfying than any previously known to us. IMO, letting go, but sticking to MY plan, was paramount to my success.

There are no guarantees but I hope when you wake up tomorrow renewed and refreshed you will set out to fight the good fight just one more day, then one more day after that and so on. It is never to late as long as one marital partner is still fighting for the marriage. It is my prayer that you become inspired to live up to the name you choose for yourself.

Good Luck, Mr. Wondering

PS - My wife could have written that letter also. I bet your WW was not meeting your needs as well. Perhaps, you thought things were just OK, but did you ever envision yourself being the husband you became. These changes are not that drastic and unbelievable, your WW in short time, will trust that you have become the man/husband YOU always wanted to be. SO ARE U READY TO IMPLEMENT A PLAN?

I would love to implement a plan but plan A calls for the affair to be over and she just wont give that up. And now shes talking selling the house. How do i implement a plan that calls for separation of the lovers when she wont do that?

you have ZERO understanding of Plan A ... as this statement shows....

go read up on Plan A

Plan A is designed to STOP the affair

plan A is implemented DURING the affair

you don't have enough information

go RE READ

We aren't much help to you if you don't understand the basics ...

Once you have a general idea of Plan A

we can help you more

No, in Plan A, the affair is not over. That is why you do a good Plan A, to show your wife what a great husband you could be. It also includes exposing the affair.

Then, after a few months of Plan A, you go to Plan B. Read more about Plan A.

Fight,
I understand your confusion about plan Aing when they are gone. That is where I am too. My D-day was 8/23 and WH moved out on 9/16. They say that I can still be plan Aing at this point, but also covering my butt financially.

I am looking at it this way. By plan Aing, I feel like I can earn my way out of the marriage as Dr. Phil says. I can be that lighthouse and if the addict sees it, than great. If not, plan Aing is helping me to detach emotionally on some level. To pour this much time into a vacuum is draining. I still have that sacred love for my DH, but it is very deep and protected. Now, I am just dealing with a heartless alien. I am not emotionally vulnerable to him, but that deep love gives me the motivation to keep trying.

But I am also thinking about that ship that I am trying to attract with my lighthouse. I am trying to think objectively about who he is and who he may be when his little experiment in self discovery runs into a ditch.

Don't take my advice, I haven't done much right so far. BUT, I haven't lost my mind yet, and in this situation-that is a great accomplishment!

ok,,Lemme help ya out here ,,,,

What are Plan A and Plan B?

F4WR,

I know what your going thru, it all seems so hopeless, there's nothing you can do to stop this, if you could only go back in time and do what's right.

Quit beating yourself up, whats done is done. Now the only thing you can do is make sure she is aware how you feel, let her know you are aware of the mistakes you have made, and how you want to change for the better. have a road map so to speak, drill this into her so she doesn't think you are just saying what is needed to get her back, mean it and follow thru.

I will be blunt and honest, if my W and I did not have kids, I don't think we would have stood a chance, but we do and for that reason we continue, and are both happy to keep at it.

Now the DO NOT's: Do not be a doormat, clingy, desperate, anything other than a strong man on a mission!

I would wager eventually she will see the grass is not greener, and when things start to collapes with her an OM, you need to be the strong guy who as seen the errors in his ways, that has a great relationship with her family, etc...

Keep doing what needs to be done, keep reading here, and keep us posted!

P.S. It's a long painful road regardless of the outcome.

Alright guys, since my Dday ive done this much. Ive obviously lost weight...36lbs in 6 weeks, ive gotten a new, better job, ive opened a checking account (she did all the finances i just gave her money outta my checks), ive began working out, ive in no small way told her that i love her, ive stopped being lazy and staying at home, man, ive even started wearing my seatbelt(that one was for me, figured if i was changing this much i mine as well go for broke). I know that i did these things to win her back at first but now their for me. And after sleeping on it, ive changed my mind about giving up. Im still waiting for my books to show up in the mail (surviving an affair his needs/her needs) and as soon as i get them im going to learn about plan A/B. Its just that at this point its getting harder and harder to get through to her.
I prayed last night for the strength to accept the things i cant change and the courage to change the things i can. And this morning i woke up a little clearer, a little less wrecked. I feel stronger. Still sad but not depressed. this may once again be an up on the rollercoaster, but at least i feel better.
If my posts are inconsitant day to day i apoligize but each day is drastically different, emotionally, physically,and spiritually (albiet spirituality is new to me). But i thank you all for anything you tell me. I just hope one day to understand enough about all this to help sumone else in thier plight. And wonderings, I want to live up to the name i chose for myself and fight for whats right.
I just lost hope the other day. Its everyone here that instills it in me. You all bring me back to trying. back to fighting. Its just hard for me to understand the plan A/B thing based on the blurb on this website because it doesnt quiet explain how to do a plan A when the other person isnt around or receptive to anything i say. Now i just need to try the lighthouse thing and wait for her to have her little "fun" even if its no fun for me. My MC just tells me that in his case (his W had an A) he just reassured her of his love and patiently waited and she came back, TWICE. Now he and her say that thier marriage is the strongest relationship either had ever been in.
I dont need to tell you all but this is the hardest thing ive ever faced in my life (even if i am young)
OH and one more thing, theres a lot on here for people with children but i dont have kids to use as any sort of leverage/persuasion. So when i read all the examples, its hard to know what to do because they mostly mention kids.


I pray everynight for all people who have to endure this dark road...

and i remind myself that the darkness can be broken by a single candle flame.

Most of us needed antidepressants to survive this ... have you seen your physician?

ive been tossing that one around...im not a medication taker. Never agreed with taking pills...even aspirin.

Perhaps your quote above is a good indication that maybe now is as good/bad a time as any to consider taking something which will assist you with the emotional upheaval in your life.

Just as you are seeking help here there is nothing weak with seeking the assistance of a physician. It is just common sense to look after your own well being.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering