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PS
when it gets truely bizarre you can say...
"Can I speak to my wife please? I don't want to talk to the woman having an affair."
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I beleive she has every intention of going to the lawyer and to start the formal process and I did tell her last night that I have NO intention of giving up. Thats when she said we will eventually hate each other - I find that hard to beleive since I haven't begun to hate her despite whats going on - I actually feel sympathy that I drove her to seek solice elsewhere - but I still want this to work..this may sound stupid...but what 3 EN's do you speak of? How do I know which ones and how do I do that if she doesn't want anything to do with me?
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I also told her that if we split I intend on joint 50/50 custody of the children which she opposes - my lawyer assures me that this is the goal of the courts in Canada and whats best for the children - it will also limit by more than 2/3 the amount of support she is expecting. While fighting for you marriage you must remember to protect your backside. What ML says is dead on - do not discuss divorce. But this is not just assistance to save the marriage advice it is also to protect yourself legally. Now that your wife knows your intentions regarding custody and it is not what she wants how does she fight it. Does she dig up dirt on you? Does she move out and try to take the kids with her and file immediately for temp custody which better positions herself as custody winner in the end? Does she trump up charges of child abuse or spousal abuse? I know a woman that beat herself up and called the cops on her husband. Luckily she was so doped up on prescription narcotics the cops believed the husband and ended up comitting the wife. By any stretch of the imagination, if you think she could set you up then protect yourself with an voice activated digital voice recorder...to monitor all your communications with her. Again, don't reveal the recorded conversations until court or your actual attorney advises otherwise. Finally, if you want 50/50 custody you better be keeping a journal of your activities on behalf of the children. You need documentation so that when and IF you go to court it is not just her word against yours. You have proof. If you warn her to much about your acquiring proof then she'll acquire her proof...If you don't warn her you will have the advantage in court. WW's are far to fogged out and too busy thinking about their fix to bog the attorney down with details. You want her and attorney both overwhelmed looking in front of the judge. Good Luck, Mr. Wondering
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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I spoke to OMW last nite as well - she was concerned about how intamint my W @ OM were - I told her that I wasn't present but that my W did say they had sex ( her H did not tell her that ) he was there as well and I spoke to him as well - he makes it out that my wife has been the agressavive one persueing him even after his many attempts to end it..
One thing that gets a wayward wife upset is if she begins to feel that the MM she is persueing is using her as a side-dish to his marriage. Most wives who get involved in an affair imagine that they have found (gag me) 'true love' and that the star-crossed lovers were meant to be together ... and that when things are sorted out they 'can be together at last' ... and they MOST OFTEN VERBALIZE that "everyone will be better off once we are finally together". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
in short .... they've lost their minds
and it is often the woman in the affair that gets DUMPED because it turns out the man in the affair never ~really~ intended to leave his wife and kids ... for many different reasons. He often still loves his wife and he often realized he will be living a much less affluent lifestyle if he divorces !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
and
once your wife finally gets it in her head that MM is NEVER going to leave his wife ... she is gonna fall HARD and her self-respect will be mud-covered .... and guess who gets the brunt of the blame??? YOU guessed it ---> YOU
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I beleive she has every intention of going to the lawyer and to start the formal process
and trust me
he's NOT going to (because he lied)
and your WW will NOT be likely to follow through with a divorce ~without~ OM/MM's guarantee he's also divorcing.
This is part of the *fireworks*
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Just when you journal - make sure it's YOUR time with the kids, what you contribute to the kids, what time she is with them, etc.
I found out when H left me that even if he wanted to take the kdis from me due to my affair (when he left) here where I am in Canada (different provinces have different courts), my affair would have no ground in courts. So bringing it up would be pointless - it would be more about who has provided for the kids attention, financial, emotionally wise.
So keep that journal, as if you show you have spent 25-50% of the time with those kids or more, then you are definately entitled to that 50/50 joint...and yes it would significantly reduce what you would pay her for child support and your ratio of daycare, etc.
Last edited by dorry; 09/29/05 10:02 AM.
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I don't know - what if she truely beleives that the A had noyhing to do w/ her feelings.
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I don't know - what if she truely beleives that the A had noyhing to do w/ her feelings. It's all HAWGWASH, spin, don't pay it any mind. Don't hang on the words of a person who is in the throes of an addiction and just lost their crack pipe. She is saying all the same rot they all say when you interfere in her affair. Just smile sweetly and offer her a Pepsi. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't know - what if she truely beleives that the A had noyhing to do w/ her feelings. Just look at what you wrote... "the A had nothing to do with her feelings" does this even make sense?
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Just smile sweetly and offer her a Pepsi. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> shameless product placement !!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thats OK - I feel I'm "part of the new generation" - you know the ones who actually want to save their marriage - not take the easy route of divorce! And as for making sense - I'm not sure I've ever done that since she dropped the I don't love you anymore crap.
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Thats OK - I feel I'm "part of the new generation" - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> don't encourage her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
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I love this guy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Read up about Plan A and Emotional Needs. How to tell which are her top three? Are there some things in your M she has been asking for, but has stopped asking after a while...not because she is happy with this EN fulfillment, but because she gave up. She found fulfillment of these EN's in the OM.
You be the fountain of EN she drinks from instead of him...
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!
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What about calling this guy to tell him I think he's full of [censored]. That he is trying to save his bacon.
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Personally I wouldn't get in any battles with the OM. It's just gives her more ammunition to throw back at you. If I were talking to anyone it would be his wife and I would disclose everything I knew.
On a personal note I admire a person who is willing to fight for their marriage even when it doesn't seem like it is worth fighting for at the moment. People give up too quickly and if a marriage can be saved for the sake of the children's future then it's well worth the battle.
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You're doing a great job spin. Listen to the sound advice you're getting.
Find some comfort in the fact you have a plan. The WS kind of flies by the seat of their pants, they flail about, the smoke and mirrors are falling apart. They've exercised such a high level of control to maintain the A, when it falls apart in front of them, chaos breaks out.
As been advised, do not contact OM. Do watch for contact on your end.
Be calm.... and come here for venting and advice. If you're faced with a situation, that you don't know how to respond to, again, come here FIRST...someone here can help you.
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What about being so open with books etc. Should I be discreet?
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When it comes to the book, websites, leave no secrets. Leave things open, you've said she's picked them up from time to time right? Even to contradict, she isn't walking past them.
As to being discreet, you want to recover your M, there's no reason to hide it, and you should be as open as you can with it. It's going to send your message without beating her up with it.
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