I would be discreet when it comes to your WW looking at these posts ... no reason to allow her to look at your war plan

You know all of you have been great..thanks. Funny last night my wife told me (when she said I should find someone else because she can't do it for me anymore) that I have grown and changed so much that I will make a great husband to someone else!Also told me I was a great father and that everything has been great for the children, I told her I wasn/t interested in others...she was upset that all of this [censored] has helped me and not her.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> here's a response:

"Yes. I feel the same way."

Just catching up...

Spinmaker, you said the courts generally go 50/50 for custody and Dorry you agree.

I called for legal advice through our EAP at work (I'm also in Canada)... he bluntly told me my W would get custody. Unless I can prove that she is not capable of looking after the kids (drug problem or something like that), then 90% go to the wife. Should I check with a different lawyer???

Shaden

spinmaker hang in there. With the OM on the defense with his wife he now has to make some choices. Does he continue his affair and risk greater consequences or back off and try to minimize damages. Most guys will usually back off, which is what I am hoping for. If so it leaves your wife in limo land without any emotional support and eventually she will realize the damage she had done to her family. It is why it is so important for you to try and keep things as civil as possible. Try not to LB even though it might be tough not to. She needs a place to fall back to when she crashes and hopefully if the OM falls out of the picture it won't take long.

Remember to keep your boundaries in place and keep them positive. Be there for your children and makes sure arguements don't happen around them.

My lawyer indicated that the courts of Ontario beleive that it is in the best interest of the children for shared custody - the only hic up is very young children - however as they get older say 10 - 12 the courts will actually ask the opinion of the children. She said that the pendulm is swining back away from women aotomatically being awarded the primary care giver. I know of others within my peer group that have this arrangement - some wives are fighting it because of the difference in payments. My example if I have children 50% then support to wife will be $500. per month anything less say 40% or less equals pyments of $2400. per month

I stay positive / upbeat whenever I'm around her - it drives her crazy. I always smile and make jokes and tell her everything will work out..that I know she doesn't beleive it - but that I beleive it enough for the both of us. She actually might leave in a straight jacket if I keep it up.

It is a very powerful message that you stay in control of your mood

good for you!!!!

The lighthouse, without even reading it.

This will work better than you expect it to.

Right now she sees your stability as a threat to her.

Eventually, after she gets knocked around the ocean long enough, she'll seek the safety and security of the lighthouse.

Great job. Hang in there. Your strength is admirable.

I bought her flowers today on the way home - nothing expensive - just daiseys and sent her an e-mail asking if she viewed her path as a one way journey - no response. Signed it by saying "looking forward to the future"

She probably won't appreciate them. After all, she might be realizing that OM is really going to work on his marriage. But at least you tried. Hang in there. It may be hard to watch all of this.

send me the daiseys, send me the daiseys....they're my favorite.....i NEVER GET THEM!!! lol

Well today the wife has an appointment with her lawyer - she has gathered all the financial stuff to take to the lawyer so that her lawyer can determine assets/liabilities and the split of said assets. She is determined to end this marriage - she is stubborn as a mule.
Last night, while I was reading LB she commented that I spend too much on all the books etc. that I have. She also said it drives her nuts that I go to such extremes when it comes to a goal - she said I was either ON or OFF without any middle ground. I told her that important matters deserved 100% effort - she rolled her eyes.
However, when reading Love Busters - if I read it correctly - my effort to save the marraige is a HUGE LB by itself because I'm trying to "force" my wife to change her mind - I'm not sure how you would persuade someone not to end a marriage when they are so determined.
Anyways spent an hour or so talking w/ wife about her day/job etc. (she just loves to talk about her accomplishments @ work - have been doing this alot for the past few months - because I never had shown any interest before - she has a cool job - but I never thought she wanted to talk to me about it).
My D(5) loved the flowers - wife???

YOu can start with compliments. The old saying, "Flattery will get you everywhere", is so true.

She sounds like a gal that REALLY appreciates appreciation, so start with simple, sincere compliments...about what she is wearing, how she wears her hair, what she cooks, or the way she keeps house, all those little things that you never really noticed...appreciate!

spinmaker, how are you trying to FORCE your WS to change her mind? Is that possible?

I think I would forget the flowers and ILY's. Most women like conversation as much as men like sex. Continue chatting and listening about her job.

I guess I'm trying to force her by my determination to make this work - I read - I tell her that all will work out and that I refuse to accept her conclusion of our marriage. I'm blunt about my message. I can't see any middle ground because there is none its either her way (end it) or mine. Any arguments that I make are countered by my wifes view of our marriage - its like we were married to other people - I may not have been the best - nor she - but my god it wasn't that bad - but as she sees it - that past will repeat itself.

HA

Sometimes when you have a different opinion ... the wifey will say "You are trying to force me to change my mind" ... simply on the grounds that ~you don't agree with her~

theater of the absurd

spinmaker, having your own viewpoints is not forcing her to do anything. It would be IMPOSSIBLE to "force" her into anything. That is not a lovebuster to a hold a different view and to refuse to agree with her dismal view of the marriage. You are doing the right thing. You would be doing the wrong thing to try to agree with a fogged out WS who has temporarily lost her mind.

The best thing is stop arguing with her and stop trying to educate her. Let her know that you are not interested in discussing divorce, only in marital recovery. Don't help her in any way, shape or form in destroying your marriage.

See, once the affair ends and she gets through withdrawal, this will all change, I assure you. Right now her thoughts are under the influence, so to speak, so you shouldn't take anything she says to heart. Just smile sweetly and tell her that you don't do divorce, you only do recovery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep,

This has to be my favorite phrase "theater of the absurd".

It is so descriptive!

Spinmaker, you are recieving the "best of MB". When Pep and ML team up and help someone it is awesome! Blessings to you as you make you way through the muck.