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Luzin,

Welcome back. You can not trust a WW. You are deluding yourself trying to prove you can trust her. You need to prove to her you know this is an inappropriate relationship. She has denied and con'ed you for way to long.

Go to Radio Shack. Puchase a voice activated DIGITAL voice recorder and a ton of batteries. Hide the recorder in her car and eavesdrop on her conversations with OM or just her friends that know the situation. Once you have actually proven to her that you know everything (do not disclose how you know just give enough details to make it believable) then you will bust through the cake eating/fence riding denials. She will come clean. Release her guilty conscious and her "friend" excuse will no longer hold water. You can then expose, expose, expose. It might not work immediately or at all; but, it will be a better than the stalemate situation you find yourself in right now.

There are no guarantees other than if you continue to do nothing, nothing will change.

ACT OUT

Follow up --- Just like a drug addict, WW come in and out of the fog for brief respites between their "fix". Never put off a conversation till later. If she's ready to talk...sieze the opportunity right then on the phone or otherwise. Further, you must get alone time without the kids. How ever you can arrange it yourself, just do it.

Luz~

I'm glad you're back...I've kept you in my prayers...I think that Act's advice is dead on...when can you go and buy the recorder?

Mrs. Wondering

""If she truly feels this way and she defends her right to continue her relationship with OM, then I have to assume that she is still having this relationship.""

""I told her this last that her resistance to talking about this only leaves my mind wondering and when red flags come up, my mind will always assume the worst.""

I think you must assume the worst in all of it. She is still seeing him at work. Do you know any fellow workers that could help you? Has her boss ever been approached on the matter.

Have you ever exposed to the OM's wife if there is one? Any exposure at all?

She is still in contact at work and the postponing of the disilusionment sounds like cake eating, stringing you along.

Get the voice activated recorder. Maybe hide it in her office if you would ever get the chance! Hey I like that idea!!

If you are seeing red flags and are having gut feelings there is a definite reason.

""phone so she feels she should have the same right (to talk to ANYONE she wants -- even OM).""

Way big fogbabble. She is still in it up to her eyebrows.

k

Luzin, there is not and never has been "no contact" if she sees him every day at work. Recovery is impossible until contact ENDS. She will NEVER withdraw from him until the contact ends. Your marriage will never recover until this happens. Her continued contact with the OM is WHY she is not interested in her marriage.

Would you imagine that a recovering alcoholic would ever recover if you sent her in the bar every day to have a "professional" drink? Because that is exactly what you are expecting here. You are expecting the impossible.

Read this Harley article:

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

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Luz, I would first explain to her that your M has no hope unless she leaves her job and get her response. Plant the seed. And then instead of writing final letters, why don't you expose her at work? That would make it extremely uncomfortable for her to stay there. Then, if she doesn't leave her job, you can move to Plan B.

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Luzin, there are already insurmountable walls in your marriage because she is in continued contact with the OM. She is already pushed away because of the affair. Exposure at work will serve a direct hit to the affair, serving her papers will not do any such thing. Both things will piss her off, but only ONE will cause the affair to crumble. Serving her papers will only strengthen those walls and will do NOTHING to bust up this affair. If anything will make her feel pushed away and rejected, it would be legal papers. She will be angry about exposure, but she will get over it as the affair crumbles.

I think you have much better options than serving her. You haven't completed exposure and haven't done a Plan B. Serving her just increases your odds of divorce unneccesarily.

Luzin - I was in the same sitch with my WW. Follow Mel's advice here. If she works with the OM, expose at her work. If contact continues you have no chance to recover your M. Do not serve her with papers as a threat.

Mel - I know you will probably disagree with this, but it may apply here. The concept of brinkmanship. Luzin could once again explain to his WW NC is a must. Tell WW, you will use any means neccessary to bust up the affair. You are on the "brink" and you don't know what you will do. Since she seems so concerned that you not expose at work and she won't change jobs, she should get the message that exposure at her work is a real possibility. If she truly wants just the job and to not continue the A, she should realize that her career their is done one way or the other. Either by exposure, or if she leaves on her own. Most career minded people will always choose leaving on their own over getting fired. If she doesn't respond, (in a matter of days) then expose, cause your M is doomed either way. (i.e. either she's still in the A, or in the fog and doesn't get NC is the only way to recovery).

Maybe I'm way off, and I'm not trying to cloud the picture. I just know how my WW is with her career and I can relate. Just trying to help

rprynne, here is why it is bad to make threats to expose a WS, versus just doing it. It is because forewarned is forearmed. His W will simply go to her boss and warn him about her "crazy jealous H who is insanely jealous of male coworkers." This happens all the time. Forewarning also takes away the much needed shock value because the WS has had time to work out an effective reaction. Without that forewarning, they are caught off guard and don't have time to drum up a story.

Forewarning a WS is like handing your battle plans to your opponent, you essentially LOSE that weapon.

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Luz, if the boss already knows, then it shouldn't be a problem giving her a call and filling in some gaps in the story. You can also back it with the fact that the doctor's W knows all about it and offer her phone #. AND you could also expose the doctor to his boss/board.

ML - Understand what your are saying. My response was to not tell the WW your battleplan, just let WW know that you are going to battle and you will use all your weapons. I agree, if this tips your hand than its not as effective. I said it as more of a way to get the WW to clearly understand, that her neat little plan of keeping the job with OM wasn't going to be so neat.

Anyway, its a moot point based on Luzin's last post.

Luzin - IMHO, she has not told her boss. This is just a head fake to keep you quiet.

He needs to tell the boss. I think that is the best weapon in his arsenal.

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My first reaction? Don't send it. Though I fully sympathize with you, it only makes you sound needy and victimized (not that you haven't been victimized, but you can't come across as one -- you need to remain in a position of strength.)

Your WW will only take this as, "Yay! He's taking responsibility for everything! He won't stand up to me at all and I'm off the hook!" I know that's not how you mean it, but that's how any WS would take this IMHO.

This letter will have no effect because it forgets a very important thing: BS pain means NOTHING to a WS. A WS feels nobody's pain but his/her own.
Mulan

I agree with a previous poster-don't send it. I have apologized more since discovery my WH's A than he has. After a few weeks of me apologizing and working on my shortcomings, he has left feeling fully justified in his A. Of course he had to have an A, his wife has fully admitted her failure to be a good wife.

Keep it for future reference, if you get to a place where you are allowed to be a good husband to her, keep it somewhere you can refer to it so you don't make the same mistakes that you feel you made in the past.

I agree with Mulan. Do not give it to her. You can plan A and see how things will work out. It may take some time tho. If I gave that to my H he would be delighted for me to take full responsiblity for his A. Nothing a WS would like better. Tear it up. You are not in the wrong here for her A.

Luz~

It's the continuing affair/contact that is ending any chances of your marriage being saved...why can't you see this? Expose the affair at work!

DO NOT SEND THAT LETTER!!!


Mrs. Wondering