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Luz, this is nonsense. You don't understand the nature of an affair if you believe she "should" just magically come to her senses and make the right decision to quit her job. She is in the deep fogged out mental state of an addiction and expecting an addict to make a rational, sane decision is NUTS. I don't know who is foggier here, you or her.

You need to view her as you would a coke addict in that she is under the influence and cannot operate in a rational manner. She will not willingly give up the source of her addiction without proper motivation because she is not in her right mind.

However, if you take the crack away from her, she WILL come to her senses when she sobers up. She will be furious that you turned on the light and took her crack away, but she will be forced to give up the crack because no one likes to practice their addiction in front of everyone else. After the drug wears off, she will no longer be angry because she will be rational enough to see the wisdom in what you did.

You don't understand that the greatest threat to your marriage is not exposure, but the AFFAIR. Your marriage will survive some anger from exposure, it won't survive the affair. Your fears about exposure are very misplaced.

Let me ask you this: would you sit there and allow your w to kill herself with crack because she "might not ever forgive me?" [and this is just FEAR talking] Would you sit by idly doing nothing while she kills herself because you want "her to make that decision?"

Does that make a lick of sense, my friend? Because that is what is happening here. Your W is not in her right mind and is killing your marriage because you won't lift a finger to stop this affair.

Instead, you gravitate towards solutions that only increase the risk of divorce, such as an ill-timed Plan B. Exposure is PART AND PARCEL of Plan A and if you have not done that, you have not completed Plan A. Plan B is supposed to come AFTER an effective Plan A. They are in that order for a reason.

Luz, this is most frustrating because you posssess the tools to bust up this affair but won't use them because of irrational fears. Please think this through more carefully.

Your entire letter indicates that her affair was all your fault. That is the ONLY message she could possibly get out of it.

Melody is right friend...you will NEVER get her to quit her A with someone just by asking her to do so. She has to have a REASON to quit...a very powerful one. Just loving you isn't enough...it hurts to hear but it's the truth.

You've been given a lot of good advice, but seem to wish to do this your own way without heeding any of that advice. All I can really say to you is good luck...and I hope everything works out for you.

First let me start out by saying I should have listened to everyone's advice here.... and it has proven to be the biggest mistake of my life. I did expose to OM's GF but not at W's work. She has not talked to OM since Sept. 7, confirmed by cell/long distant bills and OM's GF (who has been watching him like a hawk). I did end up sending W a modified version of the letter I posted here, which has since been deleted. I did take out much of my taking responsibility for her A, but had to send it to her so that she sees that our M is over. I really think this woke her up as we were trying to work things out.

Things were great for about 3 weeks. She was finally starting to accept how much I loved her and she was actually giving me what I needed (love and affection). Then things started right back down hill. She went away for a 9 day conference and her sisters wedding (OM wasn't with at the conference according to his GF). I actually met her at the wedding where we spent the day together. All of her family was there. We were getting very close that day, slow dancing and she was very emotional. She cried the last time we danced and later when we were talking. Her mom and dad (and other family) were not aware that we were trying to work things out. Her sister actually started crying and said she really hopes we can work this out. My FIL came over to me before we were leaving and gave me a hug and said he was glad we were thinking things out. I ended up taking W to the airport (to fly to her conference) which was about a 2 hour drive all in all. The entire time we were in the car, he help me hand rubbed my arm, and played with my neck and hair (the kinf of attention I told her I always wanted). I dropped her off, said my goodbyes, and thanked her for her attention and told her how much it meant to me.

When she got back, things took a nose dive the minute her plane landed. She got very emotional seeing the kids after being gone so long. I kinda got my feelings hurt a little because she barely said hello let alone give me a hug. I understood though as she really missed the kids and I just let it go. Frm that night forward, she never once showed me any affection what so ever. (She had been sleeping with one of our boys for the last 5 years with the exception of the prior 3 weeks when things were wonderful.) I let it go for several days and finally asked her why she is being so cold towards me. She had no excuse and only said that she feels like I am expecting too much from her. Of course, I asked her if it was natural that a W not see her husband for 9 days and then not want to show him any kind of affection let alone act like she missed him. Anyway, this kept up for about 2 1/2 weeks then I decided to start investigate. Turns out her she got 2 blocked ID calls on her cell phone on a Saturday she was working. One was a missed call and the other was 8 secs. long. I asked her about it and she said someone pranked her. I asked her if this had anything to do with how she has been acting the prior 3 weeks and she just got pissed.

To make a long story short and to get to the latest and final straw. I ended up getting STD tests done 2 weeks ago. I should have gotten them done earlier but I believed that W wasn't sleeping with OM. I talked to OM GF for the first time on Sept. 6. In this conversation, she mentioned many times that she didn't believe they slept to gether b/c OM would be too embarassed to give W HVS (which he has had for a very long time). That night, when I got home, I told W that I had talked to the GF and that OM has HVS. Well, the week after I got my STD test, I got a bill in the mail from the lab saying that my Ins. refused my claim. The bill was sent in my name so I opened it. After looking through the pages (I thought thoroguhly) I seen that they tried to bill me old Ins. Co. I later called them to straighten it out only to discover that the tests were not mine but the W's. And she had the tests done the day after (Sept. 7) I told her OM had HSV. While confronting her about it, she said that her sister and one frined has W convinced that I was having an A, so she got the tests done. I asked her why would she only test for HSV and not all STDs. She said she tested for all and that the lab must of messed up and only billed for HSV. During this conversation, she said many times for me to call her sister and friend and they would verify her story. Knowing I would just be lied to, I called both of them. I was surprised to find out that neither of them knew anything about the tests and neither of them said anything to W about me having an affair. Now W is being very unreasonable and a total B*tch about the whole thing. She claims her anger is coming from the fact that I called her sister and friend only to try and turn them against her and how I embarassed her with her family and friends. What? She is now deniying that she told me to call them.

MAN..... this fog is so thick I can't even see. I can't take any of her lies BLATANT anymore..! Noentheless, both her and I tests came back negative (hers for HSV and mine for everything). She has been denying a PA all this time and now it is undisputable but she still denies everything. She actually made the comment the other day that I "don't even know half the story". What does this mean? She denies everything but says things like this. I really think she needs professional help which was the real reason I called her friend and family. I specifically told them that the sole purpose for my call is to ask them to help W and encourage her to get this help. Now she is saying that I am trying to turn her family against her.

How do I straighten this mess out. I believe she hasn't talked to OM for at least two months prior to the last few weeks. I thought the fog would have worn off but she is more deep into now then she ever has been.

To update everyone, we have sold our home, and I am purchasing my own home and W is. We agreed up until the STD situation that we would seperate for a while and see where it goes. We actually have a legal seperation which was required for each of us to pursue purchasing seperate homes. I will be moving very shortly. I chose to do this because I cannot be with W anymore. I cannot get her through this so I musy move on with my life.

Here is where I need opinions. We are legally seperated. In our agreement, we agreed to 50/50 shared parenting and I had to agree to her as the default custodial parent in order to ge ther to sign the agreement so I could close on my new home. After all of this, I now need to take our seperation beyond what it is. We did the seperation also so that we were not legally divorced in case we worked things out. We cannot work things out now and I cannot stay married to her. I need to decide now to filer a dissolution or a divorce. I would like to stay with the dissolution but she would never agree to let me be the default primary. With her deceiving everyone close to her and the fact that the kids will be going to the school 2 blocks from my new home, I feel that i should be the default primary. She will never agree to this so my attorney says that a dissolution cannot happen unless we both agree to the terms. He said if we don't agree, then we'll have to pursue a divorce. The question is, I don't want to make this ugly but we will never agree to the primary parent thing. So should I continue to talk to her and try to convince her that she will ultimately lose in the divorce. Our state is no fault but very much favors shared parenting. My attorney worked the numbers for child support and says that W will owe me a hefty child support even if we have 50/50 custody. Should I keep reminding W of this and all the embarassment she will have going to court to try and convince her to fold on the primary parent. Or should I just go ahead and just file for divorce and temp custody until the hearing. She is in major fog so I don't think she will fold at all and we will end up in court anyways. I am also not sure if filing without letting her know is going to set her off. What should I do?

Sorry I have ben dark for awhile. Just thought that I could get us through this my own way and boy was I wrong.

Could you guys give me some guidance again, I promise I will listen and not let my bull-headedness get in my way of doing the right thing.

thanks,
Luz

So have you absolutely decided that you don't want to be married to your wife anymore?

Yes.... I can't take it anynore. After looking objectively at everything under the microscope for tha last months or so, my feelings really do go beyond her lies and her A. My decision has much to do with these two things but also to do with her as a person. She has always been a very selfish person.... always a taker and rarely a giver. Her A only proves that. I am the exact opposite, I have always given.... according to my friends and family, this has only hepled create the person she is today. She has always gotten what she wanted and I have always accepted everything she dished out. Her sleeping with our son is one big example, this has always bothered me in which I have brought it up many times throughout our marriage. I lovingly explained to her that we never make any time for us, as husband and wife, and that bedtime could be a time we could have to us and explained to her how much I needed this. She has always justified her sleeping with him in one way or another and I always accepted it.... even knowing how damaging it was to our relationship.

So, yes, I am absolutely sure that I do not want to be with her based on how she is now and how she has been the last 5 years of our marriage. I do love her and alwalys will but I know that my love for her is for the person she used to be and not who she is now. If I thought that she could be the person I fell in love with, I would do everything I could to still be with her. I have done absolutely everything I can (to be with her as she is today) and that still isn't good enough. So I have resolved myself to give up and move on knowing I will eventually find someone who would appreciate me.

Luz