What does it mean when you feeling really bad about a short term relationship that didn't work out? I have a hard time trying to convince myself that it couldn't work out. I just couldn't feel comfortable with her set up. I hoped that she could make me feel comfortable with it. She's 26 years old, lives with her ex-boyfriend (who is not the father) and he has a good relationship with her daughter. He would babysit the daughter while she went out with me on dates. She said she didn't want to throw me in his face so that's why she kept it from him and that she still cared about him but not in a physical way. I never even knew where she lived. The problem is I really wanted this to work out because we had so much in common. When I explained to her how we should just be friends, it didn't even phase her. She seemed completely fine with it-like it was expected. Said something like--your a wonderful person with a lot to offer and I'm sure you won't have a problem moving on. She was wrong about that last part.

Been there, done that.

I took it to mean that I was not ready to date. Subsequently, I took a very long break.

Be thankful, be very very thankful that it didn't work out. Trust me.

"She's 26 years old, lives with her ex-boyfriend (who is not the father) and he has a good relationship with her daughter. He would babysit the daughter while she went out with me on dates. She said she didn't want to throw me in his face so that's why she kept it from him and that she still cared about him but not in a physical way. I never even knew where she lived."

Coughlin, uh, how to say this..... He is not her "ex-boyfriend"; he is either her current BF or her husband and you were unwittingly her OM. She lied to you. Be glad it's over

I know what your saying and it's like this weird pattern I have lately of dating women that aren't "available". I mean she said it was over with him and she's only been there for a year but that she couldn't find a place that she she could afford on her own and he wouldn't just kick her and her kid out of the apartment. I guess she did all kind of things for him like cooking and laundry. Anyways, I know it didn't feel right but I definately wanted it to. I guess she needs to fix her situation first but part of me thought it would just fix itself.

Approximately a year after my divorce, I had a one month relationship with a young woman who I knew in my head was not a good prospect. She broke it off with me. I was so distraught that I drank over lunch hour one day just to numb the pain.

Just recently I had a girl break out in tears on a first date because when she asked if we would be seeing each other again, I said that we wouldn't.

When your emotional response is totally out of proportion of what the reality of the situation says it should be, it means you have not yet fully healed from your divorce. It means you are not ready to be in the dating process. It means you are apt to make poor choices. For example...



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> HUGE, HUGE RED FLAGS!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

She doesn't tell her "boyfriend" about you (2)... You don't know where she lived (2)...

(2+2=4) She's cheating on him and using you as the OM.

You don't do someones cooking and laundry if you are just roommates

"it's like this weird pattern I have lately of dating women that aren't "available"

C, This sounds so familiar! After my first divorce, I listened to my friends and "got back out there" within a couple of months of my telling me she wanted a divorce. I'd sure show her! The problem is, I kept picking all the wrong women to have an interest in. None of them were "available." I mentioned this to my therapist and he asked me why I thought this might be. I told him I was clueless about why. He suggested that I was deliberately going for women who weren't available because subconciously I knew I wasn't available either, so these women were emotionally safe. He also asked that I considered that my "need" to be dating was that I was attempting to hold onto something I had already lost.

As it turns out he was right. I stopped dating. When I started again much later, I wasn't picking women with whom there was no hope for a future. That is, until I picked my now-ex-wife. So I guess my plan wasn't perfect. LOL

Thanks guys for your input. Lots of good points. Last night, we met and talked and I came up with a solution that might work for me. I told her that we shouldn't have any expectations in eachother because of her current living arrangement and it freaked her out because now she's worried that I'll go out with other women which I definately plan on although I told her I didn't want to. This should take the pressure off and free me up to see what else is "available" to me.

Sounds like a Great plan for you..Good Luck!!

She freaked out? Let's see, she's living with another man, who she treats like a husband, and doesn't want him to know about you. You don't even know where she lives. Now she's going to get freaky about your seeing other women. This is a short-term relationship and such considerations shouldn't even be discussed.

How can you not see that there is nothing real here? This woman is in all probability married, and if she isn't, her behavior is even more bizzare. You need to walk away from this "relationship" now. Nothing good can come of it. I don't say put up some boundries, cintinue with her and look for something else, but walk away; make a clean break. I'd be willing to bet you that within the next few days, she is going to start manipulating you.

Hey C, Maybe you, she, her child, her BF?, I, my xWS, his OW and their OC should all get together!! Bet we'd have a great soap opera going!

My xWS was 47 and had an affair with a 21 yr old OW. When I found out about the affair the OW was 7 months pregnant with his child. I divorced him. Hadn't found MBs, and he was having the affair when we were in marriage counselling. We discussed reconciliation because he "really still loved me" and knew he had made a "terrible mistake". I was open to the idea after much discussion, pending my ability to accept the OC after the birth. OC is born. Has Down Syndrome. OW and OC discharge from the hospital to my xWS's apartment because "I can't have my child living in the streets, and I don't know if she will be a good mother to him. She's young and irresponsible" (No duh!)

I knew where he lived, but he had no phone to contact him.

Every month for the next year my xWS was making plans to move out by the end of that month. Never happened. I set up no contact. He then had a really bad motorcycle accident and almost didn't live. I stepped back into the picture when my step-daugher called me and told me what had happened, and asked me to come to the hospital. Of course the OW was there. My ex told me that he had really had an awakening after this life threatening experience. That he felt he had the accident because of how badly he had treated me and that he really wanted to be with me, and would definitely do it now.

Next scene:
3 years later.
He is still living with the OW and their OC. They have never married. He tells me he has no love for her. They"exist" together. He "doesn't know where she is half the time." He's usually caretaking the OC. He "wants to be with me but doesn't want to abandon the OC." The OW is now 24 years old. Very healthy. Basically lives off the OC's disability money. OC has had no health problems that are often associated with Down Syn. No reason for OW not to have a job.

I no longer know where he and she live because they were evicted from his apartment due to not receiving any disability money from his accident yet. He won't tell me "since the rental is in her name". He has no phone or pager to reach him. I've attempted no contact numerous times, with little success. (By the way, when he got back disability pay he didn't bother to get a cell phone or pager for me to have a way to contact him. He got a guitar, tatoo, paid some bills,etc.)

So.....................RUN........RUN......RUN....away ASAP!!!!!! As you can see from my story, things only got WORSE as time went on! And it only hurts more and more the longer it goes on. Much of that hurt comes from my allowing this situation to go on for so long.

Two weeks ago I moved 2 and 1/2 hours away. My ex knows to what city, but has no address or phone number for me. I moved mainly for financial purposes, but also to protect me from myself! It's embarassing for me to even share this story. Do you really want to get tied up in this kind of mess???

I hear what you all are saying. I'm making plans to date other women as we speak and all of a sudden I feel more in control of the situation and she can't manipulate me because I've been through enough of that with my Ex to know better. I have to say though that if I had the choice to date many women over just one, I'd go with one. Dating is like a full time job for me.

Coughlin, I'm not trying to beat you up here, but I do not believe you really are hearing what we are saying. We're not saying that you need to "make plans to date other women." We're suggesting you drop this woman altogether and then make your plans.

I have another reason for saying this beyond the fact that I believe you are dealing with a married woman, who is lying to everyone. We men don't like to be without a woman once we have one in our lives. A "dry spell" is something we tend to actively avoid. So we decide that the current woman isn't what we want, start looking for new prospects, and when we find one (or more), dump the current woman. Then we wonder why women call us pigs. This is very hurtful to women. Think about it just a second. Isn't doing this while single pretty much the single equivalent of infidelity? Could it be that this same mindset is what leads men to cheat on their wifes later. "I'll find me some new honey before divorcing the one I have. Forbid I should be without a woman for a week!"