I've been thinking about something recently and was wondering if others have had similar thoughts. I have been thinking that we need to add one more item to the list of things to be avoided in order to insure a healthy relationship with your spouse or SO: the Internet.

Mind you, one just about completely get away from the Internet, since it is very useful for conducting business. As time passes, we will reach the point to where some types of business transactions can only be conducted online. So, this isn't what I'm getting at. Rather, I'm thinking that using the Internet for any other purpose is probably a bad idea for married people.

Consider this: how many people do you know who's marriage or other committed relationship has got into trouble because of the Internet? It can be "addictive" (obsessional) and let's be honest, much of what can be found there is sick, twisted and potentially dangerous. There's not only porn, porn, and more porn, but there are also many other activities and information sources out there that are distructive to a good rerlationship. Some are deliberately designed to be.

A few years ago, we lived our lives without such conveniences as email. We didn't need the WWW to get information. We didn't know about these things and so we never missed them. Now we have email and somehow we can't seem to live without it anymore. The same is true about the WWW in general. I would suggest that while these are convenient, we really don't need them.

What's more important than the potentially dangerous content is the amount of time some people spend online chatting with "friends," playing games, reading online magazines, participating in various forums, looking at porn, etc. Should not this leisure time be better spent with our spouuse and family? Is this electronic entertainment really that much better than what we could create in our real lives?

While I depend on computers and the Internet to make a living, I have found that I am no longer comfortable with using them for entertainment. I prefer real communication with real people and no longer participate in any interactive forum other than this one. I have a private email account, but use it only for business and sending/receiving the occasional message. I do not communicate with family or friend through email anymore, but prefer phone conversations and face-to-face meetings. And I can tell you this - my ex's hours of use of the Internet had a deleterious effect on our marriage. Not only was this the medium in which she reconnected and communicated with her "old friend," she also found plenty of resources and forums to encourage and support her infidelity and the divorce that resulted from it.

So I now limit my use of the Internet in favor or more constructive activities. More and more, I am thinking that the Internet should not be a regular part of the lives of married people.

I have also cut/eliminated my use of the PC while at home to under 15 minutes a night when my wife is home. I never got into the 'darker' side of the web... more of an obsession with gaming and some other stuff... forums, collecting music files, graphic design stuff, etc.

Powerful tool... very addicting and created in me some destructive habits that emptied my wife's love bank little by little. I now see what I was doing and avoid it all together now... except at work and only for 'positive' things now. Like this site (a new favorite).

(TM stands up)

Ahem....

Hi, my name is TM, and I too am an internet addict.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


The net caught me as well. I would say it (read: me chosing to use IT) was the single most damaging factor in our M. It got to the point that my WW hates computers or anyhting to do with them. It was my escape, or cave as John Gray puts it. Not only porn, but gaming and boards such as this one. I never got into chatting or cybersex, though. More like a way to be involved in a community when I felt I had few other real-life connections.

I never made friends that quickly, and moving to a new state twice in 5 five years, along with the fact I traveled extensively for work, kept me from being able to invest much time trying.

My WW used to think I was the one having an online EA...I never even considered it.

I will take this lesson to heart in my next relationship.



TM

All things in moderation...I wouldn't want to be involved with someone who puts a lot of time and energy into recreational websurfing any more than I'd want to be with someone who puts a lot of time and energy into watching football or any number of other passive and noncompanionable pursuits. Marriage is fundamentally social, so if someone doesn't want to socially engage with their partner daily, marriage probably isn't for them.

That being said, it's really a question of priorities. Taking care of the marriage goes at the top of the list, or the marriage is doomed. In a serious but not married relationship, I'd expect the same in terms of taking care of the relationship gets consistently treated as more important than passive and noncompanionable pursuits. If not, time to move on.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to be Amish.

Stinky

Quote

Consider this: how many people do you know who's marriage or other committed relationship has got into trouble because of the Internet? It can be "addictive" (obsessional) and let's be honest, much of what can be found there is sick, twisted and potentially dangerous.

I know so many couples who have had their marriages ruined by the internet. I have a cousin who left his Wife over her internet affairs with men (rightfully so!)... I know a woman who meets men she connects with online--it's just AWFUL!

Although I admit, there is a lot of objectional stuff online, the one couple that I know who have been most affected don't even get involved in that stuff! The Husband of a friend of mine spends his time downloading movies and programs and selling things on Ebay. This man spends all night online and even sleeps in a separate bed from his W in order to not wake her up when he finally decides to hit the sack...

To be fair, the internet can be seen just like anything else that can be addictive--everything in moderation. I wouldn't advocate for the world to stop drinking because a few people have a drinking problem. I think it's a great tool and most of us know how to use it responsibly.

Heck--without the internet, I would have went crazy during my separation, but now that I'm married again, I really have no use for it in a "casual" sense. I post here when I'm bored at work. At home, our computer sits in our family room so even if I'm on it, my H is watching what I'm doing anyways...there is no "private" internet usage and I have no problem with that...nothing to hide, right?

I agree that the web has become a problem in our society.Sure it has it's uses but like many things,we tend to overuse them.I am sort of "technology resisitent" and don't rush out to buy the latest blackberry or iPod,etc.

I prefer,as check mentioned,"old fashioned" ways of living: beautiful note paper to send notes/cards to family or friends(not Blue Mountain e-mails);inviting people over for a dinner party or tea(not talking in chat rooms);I prefer buying goods in person so I can actually touch and see what I am purchasing (vs online shopping and eBay); prefer having really intimate sex and experiences instead of impersonal 2 dimensional images of strangers doing porn(puke),etc,etc.

For me,computer usage from my WH was a BIG factor in how our marriage started to tank.When my WH was home,he wasn't really home since he was always on the computer.When he came home on our last "false recovery" he did the same and didn't curb his use so I sat and watched him just so I could be near him.This was also a big part of the deceit in how he would keep up contact with the homewrecker and just one more way to do so that was difficult to reveal.

I live in a rural area,on 7 acres of land and I just love it.I feel so attuned with nature and every time I am on the computer,like now,I feel a sense of tension and I know I need to be sure to limit my time on it.

O

I'm with you on this one too.

After spending all day working at a computer, the last thing I really want to do is spend all night a slave to the computer too. It's not even really an option given my schedule and the kids schedules, so limiting time is an easy deal. (LOL, now as I wait for this computer to re-image I'm lurking)

I did find comfort with an on-line support group for a while, was good to chat with others going through the same thing (my counselor gave me the link) but after a couple months, felt the need to move on and away from that continuing negativity. Plus it raised a lot of trust issues for me, I think this won't go away as easily, but there is something to be said for hearing a voice and seeing the body language going along with a conversation.

I prefer to pick up the phone and call family. I don't play games on the computer on-line (or off), but do use it for maps, paying bills, etc. I'm doing good if I check personal email a couple times a week (whereas I'm in front of work email all day).

I recently was contacted by an old friend (old BF from 20 years ago to be exact) by phone who heard of my D by way of a GF. We've been talking regularly (think Fw/oB, LOL) - on the phone - he lives rural (TBG, about 2 miles from those Amish you talk about!) and doesn't own a computer at home and only gets on-line once a week. Refreshing!

I agree with you Check. This whole internet thing could be added to the list of addictions needing 12-step programs.

t

I've never played computer games. I've always found them to be frustrating at best and doenright stupid at worst. I do not own an iPod, nor will I ever own one. I do not have a Blackberry or other wireless device. I do not own a laptop and would never dream of sitting in a coffee shop or bar surfing the net (what's the point? Just stay home and drink a coffee/beer.) I do not have a TiVo and will never have one. I don't download movies or music from the internet -- I have a CD and DVD player for that. I do not have a big HD TV and never will. I have basic cable, but only because it's the only way to get the two TV programs I ever watch. My company supplies me with a cell phone, which I use strickly for business prurposes and when I don't need it, it is turned OFF. I would never purchase a cell phone for personal use.

I, too, have known peoople who stay on the net into the wee hours of the morning. Everyone of these eventually got into something they shouldn't have. Most have had affairs that started online. When my W was using the net strictly for research, we didn't have any problems, but when she started using it for personal purposes, our relationship went down hill fast. When I found out what she was doing, it was easy to see why.

Maybe being more like the Amish wouldn't be so bad! All this tenology, when you think about it, is the opposite of life. Too often, we use it as a proxy for living. So I come here, between doing other things during the day, but have you ever noticed that I do not post in the evenings or at night? This is because I have a personal rule: no computers after 6pm, except for an emergency. This time in the evening is my down time when I recharge by watching the sun set, reading, listening to music, talking to friends and family, etc. Computers have no place in that process.

If you want to keep your wife's EN's met stay away from MMORGS!

What is MMORGS?

Borgs with a speech impediment.

MMORPGS

Because it was going to drive me nuts if I didn't look it up...

Check:

Interesting topic here Check. I'd like to offer a differing opinion and explain my reasoning. (For those who want to fire the "holier than thou" arrows, please don't. It won't affect my position on this and I am nowhere near "holier than thou" to anyone. All of us have our blem's!)

Is it reasonable to consider that "addictive" personalities will find something to attach to - if it's their choice to remain "addictive"? I mean - isn't the real problem here related to self-discipline, or perspective, or meeting someone elses EN's instead of our own? Whether it's the internet, alcohol, pain pills, etc. is not the real issue. The real issue is why do we become "addicted" to these things. And if we learn "why" we do these things, then can't we learn not to do them?"

Just because something is available to us, doesn't mean we have to, should, or even need to partake - or overindulge. I guess what I'm saying is: Shouldn't we concentrate our efforts on meeting the needs of those closest to us, which takes a lot of time, rather than meeting our own needs (which seems pretty self-centered to me)?

What if meeting one of the needs of my (hypothetical) wife means spending an hour or two with her each night on the internet in helping her obtain a long-desired graduate degree? In this example - the internet is being used for a rather large amount of time, for a healthy, mutually satisfying reason.

So it's not really the internet that's bad, nor is it pain-pills, wine, sports, etc. all of which can be addictive. It's the addiction that is bad. Eliminating the internet is just removing a source. It's trying to be healthy by isolation, not by dealing with the real issues.

Does this make sense?

FR

Actually, FR, you and I are in complete agreement. I hate all this talk of "addiction." It's nothing byt psycho-babble and victim mentality. An obsession is not an addiction. And I have no use for victim mentality.

You speak of using the net in constructive ways and I would agree that using it to obttain an important life goal of gettting a graduate degree is a good application. Limited use of the internet as an informational resource is also appropriate. There are a few sites that publish critical essays and commentary that I read.

No, it is not the internet or any technology that is inherently bad. What is bad is how we use it to the point of obsession, allowing it to interfere with our real lives.

MMORPGS ...Oh, I see. And grown, married people with wives, husbands, kids, jobs, mortgages, etc., etc., etc., consider this a valid and constructive use of their free time? To each his own, I suppose.

Well, except for the iPod, me too. Ex got all the CD's, so I just copied them all and can listen too - much less trouble than going through them one by one and dividing up for the D.

But for the laptop, cell phone, blackberry - yes, I have them all - work issued beck-and-call devices. (the blackberry is worthless as a phone, so lets spend more $ and have both). And I use them all continuously for work, but it is real easy to turn them off at the end of MY day. However, work would sometimes have me believe I should operate on Singapore time too...

there are good uses for them - I also don't discourage my kids from using the computer for research projects, and for processing and spreadsheet. They are also playing with some programming. But I do have to watch the games they play, and be pretty militant about limiting the on-line time for them.

ugh, back to the computers, work to do

I admit that my internet usage and gaming tanked my marriage as well. However, why did I seek so much time online? Sometimes I think that my time online was used as an escape because I was unhappy with what was going on in my marriage. Since my D I limit my time to an hour per day. No more online gaiming either.

My WW also was on the net alot, however most of it was meeting other people or talking to the OM. Wonder why she acted wierd when I wanted to see who she was chatting too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />