if only i had left for the office before he came downstairs <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

i emotionally lost it, big time. i even physically hit him, something i have NEVER done before.

i'm totally losing it.

he doesn't understand why i can't be happy with the way things are, i can't truely understand it myself.

the catylst was another SF encounter which was one way. to tell you the truth, i don't even want to be touched anymore. he is afraid he might catch something from me, and so he keeps contact between us "safe", which he is wrong about anyway. i think. is OS considered safe? i don't know, but he tends to think that is safe, OS to him only. i am sure if i looked it up i would discover he is wrong. i really don't care. i know he is safe.

do other FWWs deal with this sort of thing? how do you not feel bad about being told time after time that your S is afraid you are not safe.

however, now that i was so emotionally nutso this morning, i have even less rights.

we are not going in the right direction and (sorry JL) i still don't know how to lead us into the right direction.

Safe as in STD's? or safe as in emotionally distant? big difference there. {{FL}}

std

I assume you have been thoroughly tested?

yes

he says he has to assume that i have been unfaithful at some point in time, more accurately, at EVERY point in time.

So, really he is keeping himself emotionally and physically different just in case it has/will happen again?

What can you do to help him feel safe?

yes, just in case it happens again, he does not want to get anything. i have no idea what i can do to help him feel safe. i ask him, he says he does not know. he knows where i am all the time, what else can i do.

if he does not want to believe, he won't, no matter what i do.

i was a fool for thinking this was workable.

i feel like saying... listen, if you are so unsure, then stop using me. because i feel used.

so i guess i am not supposed to say stop using me but only that i feel used, right? although i think either wording would end up being heard the same way. me accusing him of using me.

No, you are not a fool. Let H own this. You are transparent? You have been tested, have you gotten follow up HIV tests? Have you offered to use protection during SF? Did you have unprotected sex with OM?

is he using me?

what does that mean? "Let H own this"

there is nothing that needs to be owned here, he is perfectly happy with the way things are.

You are transparent? yes

You have been tested, have you gotten follow up HIV tests yes

Have you offered to use protection during SF? no

Did you have unprotected sex with OM? yes

You feel used sexually?

You feel used sexually? yes

and yes, i do recognized that my brother did use me and that i am trying to confront him right now so i am probably super sensitive.

knowing that does not seem to help me at all.

i also have my mom harrassing me and contstantly telling me that i was probably sexually abused by my dad too.

I mean you can't change his way of thinking. Are you sure he is happy with things the way they are? Seems to me if this came up that neither of you are satisfied with it. Most men want to please their W in SF. Ok, try offering to use protection. Nothing you can do about what was already done but you can try to change your approach. "H, I understand your hesitation to do ____ because of my past history. What would you think of using _____ to ease your fears until you feel more comfortable?"

I am sure the issue with your B is cranking up your sensitivity however it does not really address the issue between you and your H. There is nothing wrong with wanting your needs met if he is ready to meet them. He may not be ready. This may call for more patience and new tactics on your part.

Why is your mom doing this? ARe you still in IC?

FL,

You did the doctor thing and got checked out, correct? So there should be no problem. My God it's been over a year!!

If so, then the boy is holding a grudge and punishing you still. And your self esteem is such that you accomidate him, and then lose it big time?? Are you more angry at yourself for being in this sitch and then spewing it at him?

To insist this is the only way for SF is degrading to you IMHO. Does he ever show you any respect?

Can you go celibate and wait for him to try to light your fire?

""to tell you the truth, i don't even want to be touched anymore.""

So don't be touched, until he decides to enter into equally participating and fulfilling SF. That is sooo much more gratifying for him and you both than the occasional bj.

What about a sex-therapist? I know NOTHING about them but at this point it couldn't hurt, right? Would he go?

SF must not be real high on his EN list.

k

FL, a BS has the responsibility to ask for whatever would make them feel safe. It does not sound like your H is doing this.

If your husband refuses to ask for anything that would *help him*, but just degrades you by the kind of SF that you described, then he is just punishing you and behaving like a martyr himself.

Have you asked him what would help him to feel safe? If he won't answer, see the paragraph above.

Good luck.
Mulan

no, i'm not in IC.

i called her last monday, to maybe start again. i have to call insurance to re-open case, i have not done that. IC left me a msg last tuesday, telling me to call insurance. i have not done anything since then.

my mom is doing this because my sister talks to her about her belief that dad abused her and then she dumps on my mom with the "why didn't you protect me" line. my mom has no true memories or concious knowledge except to say that she is sure my sister must be right because the way my sister talks about exactly what my dad did to her is described in a way that my dad used to interact with my mom (WAY TOO MUCH INFOMATION!!!) however, she seems to take pleasure out of saying this. and then she follows it with, and i'm sure he must of done it to you too.

quite frankly, i don't want any SF needs met anymore. i don't want to be touched. i know it is unhealthy to shut down like that but every day that goes by, after every interaction we do have... i feel more and more repulsed by the thought of SF in any shape or form.