Hi all

Needed to start a new thread - I don't know how to change the title of my previous threads when the main subject has changed.

This week my WH has been back in touch with OW after 2 months of NC. He told me that during this time OW has sent him 2 emails, which he is proud he didn't respond to. (but he didn't tell me about receiving them either, like he promised me and MC he would).

This weekend he sent her a letter, and since then there have been a couple of emails between them, and he set up another email account that he thought I wouldn't find out about. It's a slippery slope isn't it. A obviously isn't really over - reignited by the letter. She is now fawning again.

Here's the thing. He says the A is over - and I believe him when he says they haven't met. He says he wants to work things out with me, and agreed with the NC concept (obviously until he broke it!) But he says he doesn't know how to get over her - in FOG big style. He didn't say 'ILY but I'm not ILWY'. He said 'I don't love you anymore' and 'I'm not happy with you anymore'.

I know we need another NC letter.

One of my boundaries, and suggestions to him, is that he might feel better with time if he were to remove all evidence of her from our house. This would make me happy too. But he's not prepared to 'erase a whole section of my life'. Doesn't see the point. Discussion suggests we might be able to put everything in a box and give it to a respected friend of ours, who would do anything to protect both H and our M. A temporary solution - in the hope he might eventually let the friend destroy the box?

I don't know what to do, and I don't know how to support him through what has obviously been withdrawal with a relapse after 2 months.

I've tried to reassure him that I love him, and as long as he's honest with me I'm not planning to give up - whatever he says to me, and however hurtful I find hearing it. But I've also explained that removing all trace of her is a boundary for me, and he's just not prepared to meet it.

I'm at a loss. Do I need to go plan B here?

When he lied point blank to me earlier this evening (about responding to her email) I said to him that I wanted him to leave until he could commit one way or the other, with all the conditions in place. His response 'I'm not leaving this house'. Adamant. Do I have to leave then?

He can't suggest any form of recovery plan, but isn't prepared to read here, and doesn't really see the point of the counselling we are having. But it was clear, and we discussed the fact that he has lied during the counselling sessions.

I'm at a loss. He won't even agree to try most of the strategies on this site. I'm doing my best with Plan A, and exposed to his family, who support me and our M wholeheartedly. They are disgusted with him.

But how do you get through withdrawal?

Help

unhappy_badger

Given the facts that you have laid out, and without expectation that they will change (because all you really have today is - what you have today), what do YOU want?

frozen

I want a marriage where we are both as happy as we used to be, or more.

I just don't know how to get from here to there. I want to try, and I recognise that H has already done things that indicate that he's trying - he's changed jobs (a big deal) and our house is on the market. But he doesn't seem willing to do the things that I have told him will help me to heal. I don't feel like I can make him.

He obviously hit withdrawal and relapsed.

I want our marriage, but not unless I can feel valued in it.

unhappy_badger