Not that recovery is easy at anytime, but I feel so strongly that my H has had a hard time being emotionally available to me, and that I have been unable to do the same for him, because there was the two As. We are both hurting so incredibly--we seem like ships passing in the night sometimes. We are both so scared to trust and be hurt again.
We just had a MC session yesterday where my H was crying and said he feels like I do not validate/respect his feelings and that I am telling him how to recover. He said my lack of support for his personal recovery has really hurt him and affected him deeply. It made me so sad to hear that because I have already hurt him so much and here I am hurting him again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Once he explained it, it was so obvious. I totally could see why he would feel that way because I have not been doing a good job being his friend. And, what is sad, is we were such good friends before and I really want that again, as that was a huge strength in our M (I miss that so much). I wish I had known I was hurting him sooner.
For the first 6 or so months after the D-days, I was a mess and not coping very well. I was dealing with the guilt and shame of my own A and the pain of his all at once (I still am constantly struggling with this). I probably did everything that someone could do wrong in early recovery. I really want to save my M. Now that I am in a better place emotionally, I have been able to recognize, and start making, the changes that I really have needed to make all along.
He says "you destroyed the reasons I loved you" (with the A) and that he does not trust me anymore. And, now he is expressing doubt about the changes I am making as being "insincere" or "just Plan A". I can certainly see why he would think that. As I said, I was not exactly a model W in R. The thing is, this has been the first time I have felt strong enough to really look at me and what I need to do/change to be a better me. I had scratched the surface before, but my new inner strength, and working with our MC, has helped me to see things that are not helping us. I just never knew. I wish I had sooner.
And, now he has been talking about separation and divorce and I do not want that at all. I never have.
I am not sure what my point is, I just needed to get some of these things off my chest and sometimes I feel you are the only ones who truly understand.
