hi - I need help with plan b- my h responds to verbal better than written.
He is living w/ow- vanessa. she is older (50)he is (42).
he moved in when he got caught by me on july 29th. We have talked and it seems like he wants to come home- found out this is a 1-3 yr affair. we have 3 kids she has one.
its been exposed to everyone except her ex which no one can locate.
they met at work and he said he felt our marraige was done and communication over.
I have been talking to him since then - doing plan a.
He has told kids he wants to come home but he knows there are things he needs to address and work on. He dosent want to go for counseling and has not been talking to his family.

We have started communicating and addressing the issues that led to the breakdown of the marraige and seems like there is progress.
I know she has told him not to bring the cell in her house (he dosent want her to see hes calling us- she dosent want to hear about us)He is telling me that things are not what i think a relationship is(movies, dating, family, etc)
He says no he dosent love her, no they are not getting hitched, no he dosent want divorce from me)
He was here Sunday to see kids - and told me that he does miss the family and house and me(this is different from 2 mos ago when he was like i dont love you, no this marraige is over, etc.) The more i thretened him the more he shut down and pulls away. The more that i be cool with him and communicate with him- he seems to respond positive. (reverse psychology?)
He did come to the kids open house and he is calling them more.
He is even explaining to me that he wants communication.
He is going away this weekend with college buddies for homecoming (no she is not going) all men......
I am going to tell him when he returns - when are you leaving from there (her house- reverse psych- if i say when are you coming home - its too open)?
I need help- im tired of merrygoround-EVERYONE says he is coming back honey- it will be before month is over or before christmas- this from his mom, my daughter, anyone)
I need to move on, get focused on my kids and school- as my grades are starting to reflect badly from lack of concentration. I have also been to a psychic (this is what i have stooped to).
enough.

((( Winter)))))

I truly believe you have got to figure out a way to do this planb. I really think it will knock him off the fence your way.

It sure sounds like he wants to be with you and come home. Sounds to me like he is saying the same thing my WH is saying and that is "I'm confused." Maybe not in those exact words but it sure sounds like it.....

Are you sure he won't read a letter? It would give him something to re-read over and over....Make it short just a few paragrahps with everything you need to say.... I am not a great planb letter writter but I am sure someone can help you with a short but to the point letter.....

Good Luck to you ....

I CAN TRY- THE REASON I SAID HES BETTER VERBALLY- BECAUSE HE JUST READ THE LETTERS AND SAID OK ILL PUT THEM WITH THE OTHERS YOU WROTE.
ILL TRY IT.

Well at least he does read them. My WH keeps them all in a brief case he takes with him in his truck.... In fact one of the first things he took when he moved out was all of the cards and letters I have given him over the years... He looked at me and said you know I keep all of these and look at them....

He has every letter I have written him since all of this started and he re-reads them .... I was shocked for sure.... So maybe your WH is like mine, he reads them and keeps them and reads them again.....

You can only try .... And if he breaks planb and you accidently talk to him then you can verbalize what you want.... N/C with OW is something I need before I will discuss anything with you. Goodbye..... now that is something I have to do myself since last nights good memories..... that reminds me please post your letter so the experts here can help you make sure it says the right things.....you want it to be said just right ...

ok

Dear WK,

A psychic?

I would write the letter. His fog clouded alien mind will not remenber what you said. He will just twist it around and forget the most important parts, like what he must do to be allowed to come home.

I would read him the letter then hand it to him to keep on his way out the door.

After you close the door take deep breath, have a nice glass of wine and call a good girl friend, let the tears come if they need to.

With Love,
VTY

Winter- as very truly said, give him the letter, close the door and take a deep breath. To tell you the truth I feel much better about everything since I went dark on WW. She came home said all the right things etc and left 3 days later, now it's me and DD living and enjoying life without all the drama. Personally it feels as if its a huge weight off my shoulders, people don't constantly ask me hows things going, they actually treat me as before all this affair crap. Plan A is so hard on BS as you usually get nothing in return , well maybe hostility. In plan b I can enjoy my life without constantly reopening healing wounds.
I pray your WH does wake up, as it appears my WW is off in another direction, BUT shes happy, yeah right.....

ok i will give him the letter.

It's a big step, don't be afraid, and remember the key is darkness.In darkness he will be wondering hows things etc..

I just asked my ww not to come home until she decided to break of the affair. I wanted to write a letter but it just all came out after finding a love note (the last straw).This all happened a month ago. I have slipped and asked her out ect.. 2 weeks ago I went dark. I have seen her around at family parties (we are close and they want me around) ect.. but I just ignore her. she tries to contact me through her sisters and email to discuss divorce , selling of the house ect.. but I ignore her because I know her affair is still going on. It's hard to deal with but I get stronger every day. Like bigwave said, no more drama. She will either come to her senses or she won't. I gave myself a 3 month time table. After three months I am gone and on to a better life. the ww spouses aren't worth spending the rest of your life suffering.

Exactly KDH, no more drama, DD and I went through enough in the past 6 weeks. I'm basically done, if WW wants a "ex convict loser",have at it. I hope she enjoys the life she has chosen. I know I can go on with life knowing that I tried and did more than most would have.

Winter---did you give the letter????? How are you doing??

No im still working on it. He was out of town over the weekend and he will be back today.
The oW i just found out got fired from her job 2-3 weeks ago. She got fired because she thretened someone at work (her mouth).
So now he is supporting 2 households I guess.
I will see him this week. He says hes on vacation and wants to come and fix up on the house and stuff once I said i have a friend who is coming to help me with repairs.
He said NO - he will take care of things.

Him coming to "fix things" at your house is his way of getting a "fix" of you and the homefront. Hang in there WINTER.

so tell him no dont come and fix anything? When you go dark- are you still plesent or just mechanical?
How can you tell when they are actually telling the truth about anything?
Do you think with the new developments - this is going to last for long (end of year, next year, etc.)
What do i have to look forward to? any answers pros???

NO..

Continue to PLAN A for right now...

Let him come over and fix things....

When he does, say thank you....

Be looking your best...

Add your wifely touches to the house...dinner cooking...good smells..neatness...

ok- Mimi- - why is he still with her now that shes not working?/
How do I know the stuff he's saying is true to me or not just a line?

Mimi- Pros out there:
Mimi now you say to stay with Plan a not b is this how i should proceed:
The first thing to do is keep your cool and act as unfazed by this as you can. Appear to be inwardly peaceful that, if this is the end, well, then this is the end. Act stoic.

This is important at this moment because one of the reason people leave a relationship is that they have a perception that the other person is too dependent on them and not worthy of their highest respect. You want to begin to turn that perception around as soon as possible, and your first opportunity is by the reaction they observe when they give you the message that they're leaving you.

Second, trust me on this, have an inward assurance that as long as you don't overreact too much and go crazy, he's going to at least keep in contact with you and give you further opportunities to make him start missing you more and more.

Third, instead of spending the time apart from him pining, spend it plotting. Plot your strategy (using the Love Tactics System, of course) and start making changes in your past practices that you now realize were damaging to the relationship.

Fourth, each contact you have try to implement one or two of the Love Tactics, and avoid doing anything further damaging to the relationship between the two of you. Don't press for him to come back, and certainly don't TALK about the personal changes you are making. That backfires, if you try to convince him with words.

Simply show by your actions that you are a new person, and one day you will notice him coming back with a new enthusiasm about courting you all over again. Only this time don't repeat the mistakes of your former life.

HMMMMMMM..>>>>>>

yes mimi- i will do what you said when he comes to fix -the stuff at the house- the above was just an addition.

I think you are on the right track..

Where did you get this term "LOVE TACTICS SYSTEM"?

What are the changes you need to make?

yes mimi- i will do what you said when he comes to fix -the stuff at the house- the above was just an addition.

i found a website love tactics with Chuck Woolery on it and it gives a lot of good advice it seems.
Lovetactics.com