I made phone calls to OWomen who confirm that he is still calling them -- though for 2 weeks we have been together every day, and he is desperately trying to come home.... YET I will not let him home and he is giving me sooo much grief about it- tears, promises, etc. etc..... SO since I will not commit, he is still holding these ow at bay "just in case" I will not reconcile with him.

Has anyone experienced this "if you cant be with the one you love, love the one youar with" syndrome?

How many recovering or recovered couples out there had a situaion where YOU would not let your spouse home - and they continued on lying and seeing ow ONLY until and UP until you said they could come home? My H and I have seperated 3 times and each time he helps himself to an OW who he meets right at our lowest point- each time I find out and kick him out-- then he carries on with her until I give in to my better judgment and get back with him. Each time, as if grounhogs day- he immediately drops her, comes home with a passion for me that is a girl's dream.... and I can confirm, know for sure- and SEE that he is NOT with anyone, that he is head over heels with me-- and he is a regular, normal , unbelivably loving husband. Ow gone like a bad dream- and he cares not for any of them. Just passes time with them to get his ego stroked, among other things while I deny him our home and my love.

We never recovered properly, ever. No counseling, nothing. It does not work. So...

Back to original question- what the heck do you do with a man who is a two faced, liar and cheater unless and until you let him home and take a chance AGAIN?

I know we need to do things right but I am pretty sure I am beyond forgiveness again and will only destroy him once I get him home- due to the enormous amount of lies and hurt.

but I love him and i hurt so bad right now- I feel like my life is not my own.... i wish I had it in me to suck it up and swallow my pride for a REAL reconciliation and for a real stab at forgiveness and loving him the way he would need to stay.

I could call my H right now and have him here with a new cell number, a renewed promise, and he would NOT call these women, I know it. YET how can I do this again if he will not be truthful BEFORE I let him home?

My heart is broken, I am so confused and I thought I was doing good. Not anymore. Please be easy with me- I know I sound so dumb but I am just dying inside right now and have no clue of who I am anymore and how I got to be such a stupid doormat. I never felt like a doormat before, and now I am there. I am a wreck.

G, This never works because it's not your H that's coming home. It's your WH. Big difference.

Ask him if he wants to come home and work on your marriage again. Then ask him what HE is willing to do to earn back your trust and allow you to feel safe with him again.

Whatever he says -- even if it's nothing, which it may well be -- just thank him and then tell him you'll think about it and get back to him. Then post his answer here and get some help from the experts (not me.)
Mulan

"Ask him if he wants to come home and work on your marriage again. Then ask him what HE is willing to do to earn back your trust and allow you to feel safe with him again."

Mulon, thanks for your quick reply. I am so needy right now and I have no one I dare expose this to- they would crap a brick and I'd feel so stupid admitting that he has lied again.To answer your question-

He absolutely, positively BEGS me and showers me with love every day...he is only away still because I cannot accept him home again. I have a son who is 15, who is hurt by him, and who I cannot just throw back into the situation. His 2 chidren are hurting also- but its because they love me so much and miss me. ONe of them lived with us, also.

This is the strange twist of my H-- he DOES love me- and he always spends hours holding me, promising me the moon, doing what he can to help me heal- lets me cry, scream, hit him even- and takes it.. YET there is SO much pain from the past, I cannot simply open my arms to him again and be "okay" without some professional help, etc.

AND THEN I have to sit and feel sick that he would be holding me every night, but I am too afraid to let him. SO he keep OWomen (more than one) just in case.... and I found out today about it.

I know my son will love him again and follow my lead, and forgive him eventually- and I know that my son cannot dictate my marriage, but he is all I have and his feelings are very , very valid and very important to me, also. They are both tugging at me and it is killing me.

So...... what do do with this info? As I type this, he has called me 10 times on the answering machine crying for me to please plase talk to him. It almost HURTS me to hear him begging for my love.. YET he is STILL lying AND WILL NOT stop w/these other women until .... I am with him full time. He is incapable of suffering ALONE as I have done for the most part.

The sick torment lies with the fact that he wants to spend every waking moment with me during our marriage, and even now-- he begs to not go back to his sister's house.. he cries- YET he is capable of still carrying on some kind of relationship the MINUTE I send him home for 1 night. He is holding me hostage--

I DONT want to send him to Ow's arms-- she lives right across the street from his sisters!! it is gut wrenching -- yet i cannot just say okay come home-- or shouold I??????

My WH tried to move back in while still with the OW. He told me that he would end it with her when he moved in. He called me at work, and said he was in the process of moving his stuff in.

Luckily, everyone here said NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
I am so glad I listened to them. That was almost 2 years ago, and I'm happy again. He is still living with the OW, and we are almost divorced. I can hardly wait to unload this weak excuse for a man.

Believer, did you actually stop him from moving in- or did he actually move in- and just keep on with her?

As soon as H know I am emotionally and physically unavailable for him, or living my life and not calling him, etc... he freaks out and comes to my house.. stalks me...... he will not EVER allow me to move on. Yes I could allow me, but it is so painful to have the option- sometimes I wish he would just FORGET about me for some fabulous OW that he is not willling to drop for me--and do me a favor and SET ME FREE- remove the possibility of being with him.

I stopped him by taking off work and going to court.

the same day?!!!

***"Ask him if he wants to come home and work on your marriage again. Then ask him what HE is willing to do to earn back your trust and allow you to feel safe with him again."***

G -- what, EXACTLY, does he say or do when you ask him the above question? You have said only that he begs to come home and showers you with love. That's not good enough, as you have learned.
Mulan

Yep, the same day. I was at work happily working away. All of a sudden, WH called - this was after 4 months of a dark Plan B. He told me he was moving home, and was in the process of moving his stuff in.

I IMMEDIATELY posted here. Everyone said NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! So I took off from work and drove home all excited. I asked him if OW was out of the picture. He said no, not until he was moved back in with me.

I went to court to get a restraining order. It turns out I was not granted one - WH has never been threatening. But I brought the paperwork home and waved it at him and told him I was calling the police if he didn't get his stuff out. He did.

I am so thankful for the great advise here. I would have gone through many more months of horrible pain if I hadn't held my ground.