I met my wife when she was 16 years old. We have had our ups and downs like everyone. Money has been a bad issue for us. Well in April I got sick thought I had colon cancer. I did not but I did WAKE UP!! and realize what my wife really ment to me. I wrote her a letter saying how sorry I was for being who I was. I judgmental, a-hole to her for alot of the marriage.

Well long story short, in May she ask for a seperation, I was like WHAT? I moved out into my mother in laws small house while they were out of town. They got back and I went home and thats when my wife said she had been seeing someone. Well all ****** broke out.

I then moved into my sisters house. Well again long story short <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. She saw the guy one time then ask for a seperation . And in the month after that she went nuts! Mid life crisis in full force, tattos, tanning, lost weight. All of that. Well she broke it off with the affair guy in June. then she hoped right in bed with a 25 year old. Then a 30 year old. By the way she was sexualy molested when she was 8 to 10 years old by her father <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Well in late June or July I think the affair guy called her back and she startes seeing him again, she is 37 hes is married and 28. Well I had no place to go for about a month and I moved back in the house. Funny we got along good. We talked alot, she was still seeing this guy but we started as weird as it sounds a new friendship. I finally found a place about a month ago.

So here we are today. The affair ended badly, his wife found out, my wife got hurt. (She was very stupid, she had only been with me in her life, she fell for this bozo fast and hard). Well lets say everyone got hurt. I have forgiven her for the affair. She did file for divorce about 2 months ago but its no where near going to cort yet. Might be the nicest divorce in history. I do love my wife so much. I knew with her history that something like this would happen someday. The sex does not bother me at all.

So here we are today, I talk to my wife about 4 to 6 times aday, I see her almost everyday, I see my daughter everyday, she is 8. Im in therapy she is not yet, we did start going out with eachother about a month ago. Movies, stuff like that. Taking daughter to dinner, to the fair. Like I said we are good friends and we always will be.

I know right now there is no way we can be together as Husband and Wife, to much pain to much hurt right now.

She is asking me for time, I know she still is in the middle of this mid life crisis. I know she will still see other men right now, tho thats not really what she is looking for. She wants her fun she thinks she missed out on.

So what do to what do to. It hurts like ******, i do love being with her, she knows I have changed so much, I want nothing more then to be the man she wish she had for so many years.

I ignored her for way to damn long <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Our communitcation is really good now, we are very honest with eachother now.

So do i give her the time, or do I just let her go. She has not let me go and I her. Its hard for 21 years she did everything for me and I did not cherish her like I should of.

Scott

Scott,

You are new to this board so I recommend that you read all of the articles and also see about buying Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley. This will help you a great deal.

If you read here for awhile there is a term we use called the "fog" and that is the state many WS's find themselves in. Their "logic" is not the logic of the real world nor is it based on reality, the concept of "rewritten" history is very well known here. Your W is in the fog, and further she is NOT having an affair, but she is having her cake and eat it too.

There is another term used here occasionally call the BS "fog", the betrayed spouse fog. This is where the Betrayed spouse does NOT see things clearly and thus either fails to make decisions that should be made or makes decisions that should NOT be made. Meaning the "logic" of the BS is flawed.

Permit me to quote your post and offer you some things to consider. I am sure you will receive even more advice as time goes on but Fridays are slow.

You said
Unless she addresses these issues there is NOTHING you can do. They were not caused by you, but by her childhood. Her behavior is beyond just having an affair because you were not attentive to her. This is far beyond that. So don't fool yourself here. YOu may and perhaps have changed your approach to her but this is not about what you did or did NOT do.


This is called having your cake and eating it too. You are meeting some of her needs and the OM or OMs are meeting others. If you want this to stop, you need to stop feeding her cake. Would you really consider having a friendship with someone that treated you with such disrespect?? I don't think so. Here is an element of the BS "fog", even the slightest bone thrown your way makes you think there is hope or that she is changing her mind. Yet, as you tell us later in this post, NOTHING is really changing.


Why? Has she asked you to forgive her? I have no problem with you doing this, but I find your subsequent words don't really support this statement. Forgiveness IS a gift you give yourself, but It makes no difference to her unless she seeks it. What she wants is to not look so bad in the eyes of all that know of her behavior. Have you exposed her behavior to her family, friends, etc? You should if you have not. Obviously OM's W now knows and that is a good thing.




Don't bet the ranch on this, unless you plan on rolling over and playing dead. Further, given her behavior and mindset what have you done about protecting your child from her behavior and the men she is dragging into this child's life? I am guessing that IF you start to look out for your child financially and custodially in the divorce settlement, this will NOT be as easy as you seem to think. Personally, I would recommend that you seriously consider your child here, you don't not want to happen to your child what happened to your W and with strange men coming and going YOUR CHILD IS AT RISK. So again you seem to have your head in the fog, if you think this divorce will or should be easy. PROTECT your child.



Really??? I don't beleive this statement for one second. What I do believe is that you could get OVER the sexual part of her betrayal of you. The person that you love does NOT exist now, and perhaps never again. Are you in love with a woman that would abandon you, have an affair, pick up stray men have sex with them, expose you, your child to who knows what STD? I don't think you would or do love such a woman, but you are married to such a women. Time to stand up and get your head above the "fog".


You are meeting your W's needs and that is part of plan A, but if you want to save your marriage you are going to need to go to plan B very soon. You will need to see a lawyer and get child custody straightened out, and given your W's behavior, her history, I think you are making a very bad assuption about her ability to protect your daughter.


This is a very telling comment and it leads to my answer to your last questions. You are therapy, but she is not. This strongly suggests she is not willing to face what she has done, what has been done to her, and learn from any of it. It also suggests she should NOT be in custody of your child at this point.


Good friends indeed. Your criteria for selecting friends is far different from mine.


See what I mean about the "fog". You have not forgiven her as you seem to think. Further, if you don't think you can be with her as H and W, then there is NO hope for this marriage, because clearly she is not going to work on anything without a compelling reason and she is in her own "fog" and sees no reason.


Time to acquire an STD? Time to further mess with your Daughter's mind by showing her what a married woman should act like? Time to go through a lot of men, until there is no one who will take her but you? Or is it for you to hold off on the divorce? She can do what she wants, you have no control over that, the question is what are YOU going to do?


What you do is plan on going to Plan B. Please read this site. Other than divorce which is drastic, Plan B is probably your ONLY chance to save this marriage. If she continues to see other men, and ignore your marriage with you KNOWING what is going on you WILL lose you love for her, and when that happens there will be NO recovery. Plan B is to protect your LOVE for her until the affairs end and she starts to come out of the fog.


Great, then tell her you don't appreciate how she has treated the family, your daughter who is clearly in the middle of this, nor her risking her health, possibly your health and your daughters health with her behavior. The bring plan B into this, because while she likes the communications, I suspect it is accepted only as long as she gets to do what she wants and that is NOT be with you.

Read up on plan B my friend, I am strongly of the opinion it is your only hope, and PLAN on fighting for your daughter. Her behavior is very dangerous to your daughter, and don't beleive she doesn't bring these OM around your D, remember the only thing you can trust right now is that your W lies virtually very time she talks to you about this.

There is hope, but it is very likely NOT in the directions you have been thinking about so far.

God Bless,

JL

Wow thanks for the repley. Not sure I can answer everthing. You are so right on some of this tho.

Your right she is not the woman I knew 6 months ago. As of right now she is not seeing anyone. I know that she would never bring a man into the house with my daughter there, my 19 year old son is there and would not in a sec put up with it.

Do I think one day we can be H and W? Yes but not untill whatever this is she is going thru is over. Your right on the therapy part of this, she even told me she is scared to go.

You might be right with all you have said, and ill look into the plan B part of this. I just hate that any of this has happend. Its amazing to see someone who you have known for 21 years just change so fast.

As for us being friends, I have know this girl (what she is acting like now) since she was 16 years old and yes we are friends. Im sorry you seem to think she is not worth being her friend. I have been thru alot with her and i wont, when she needs me, just drop her.


"

Re: My Story [Re: Falcon554]
#2825879 - 09/30/05 04:25 PM
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Scott,

You are new to this board so I recommend that you read all of the articles and also see about buying Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley. This will help you a great deal.

If you read here for awhile there is a term we use called the "fog" and that is the state many WS's find themselves in. Their "logic" is not the logic of the real world nor is it based on reality, the concept of "rewritten" history is very well known here. Your W is in the fog, and further she is NOT having an affair, but she is having her cake and eat it too.

There is another term used here occasionally call the BS "fog", the betrayed spouse fog. This is where the Betrayed spouse does NOT see things clearly and thus either fails to make decisions that should be made or makes decisions that should NOT be made. Meaning the "logic" of the BS is flawed.

Permit me to quote your post and offer you some things to consider. I am sure you will receive even more advice as time goes on but Fridays are slow.

You said

Quote:
And in the month after that she went nuts! Mid life crisis in full force, tattos, tanning, lost weight. All of that. Well she broke it off with the affair guy in June. then she hoped right in bed with a 25 year old. Then a 30 year old. By the way she was sexualy molested when she was 8 to 10 years old by her father



Unless she addresses these issues there is NOTHING you can do. They were not caused by you, but by her childhood. Her behavior is beyond just having an affair because you were not attentive to her. This is far beyond that. So don't fool yourself here. YOu may and perhaps have changed your approach to her but this is not about what you did or did NOT do."

This I agree with, she went to therapy for it once along time ago and I think she really needs to see someone now.

Thanks alot you gave me alot to think about. Its so damn hard all of this crap.

eek that repley is all messed up. I will tell you this, as far as my daughter is concerned.

1. She would not bring a man into the house with her there. My 19 year old son would not let that happen.

2. STDs that scares the crap out of me.

3. I know she loves my daughter, what she has done yes has hurt her. But we are doing our best to help her thru this.

I know I seem to be in a fog and I very well maybe. I go from confused to not sure every hour it seems.

I did marry a mess up woman for sure. She was molested, almost everyone in the family was. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> so sad. I agree she needs help and needs it now. She says this has nothing to do with what happend to her. There she is wrong and I know that.

I see everything you are saying and I understand it. Its so funny you go to different sites and you get 300 different answers. Friends say screw the ******, others say try to save it, other have no clue what to say. Only I and my wife know what happend in the relationship these last 21 years.

I do have some hope but not much. She has gotten better over the last 4 months but she still is way into what she wants and needs right now.

I would be husband and wife now is she wanted to but thats not what she wants right now.

****** I dont know. This all sucks.

All I do know is that I do love her and im just sick that all this crap has happend. Right now if I can just get her in therapy just for herself ill be happy.

Its so hard to see someone I have know since she was 16 years old be in so much pain. I know alot of this acting out has to do with her past. I feel sick about it, I wish i could fix it but I cant.

Thanks again, you have given me alot to think about and read.

I think you have a good shot at saving your marriage. But hold on a second. Women DO NOT have mid-life crises like men do and even if they did, your wife is waaaaaay to young. She's only 37; she's not a middle-aged woman, but a young woman. There is definitely something going on with her and it must be addressed. Any recociliation plan must include psychotherapy for her with someone specifically trained to deal with adult issues arising from childhood sexual molestation. You already understand that her denial about this is wrong and that she's going to destroy herself, so you have to hang tough on this one. If she doesn't get help, the two of you cannot remain married, because this will happen again and again and again.

So get professional help and don't be distracted by pop-culture hooey.

I agree with you 100% My therapist told me that every 10 years people that have had that happen need to deal with it. Its been almost 10 years since I think she seen anyone about it.

My wife has told me that she had been really thinking what it was like to have sex with someone else for 2 years. I understand that, but whats funny is after she had the affair and stuff she told me wow its not that great. Well no crap, makeing love with someone you care about is sooooo much better then just sex.

One other thing my therapist said was right now my daughter is the age my wife was when she was abused. My daughter turned 8 in March, this started in April when she turned 37.

I know alot of this was not about me. Yea I was a jerk, so many times but choices she has made these last 4 months just boggle the mind.

Seeing a married man, and my have destoryed there marriage is just nuts. The one big fight we have had where she riped my shirt was this. I flat out told her what she was doing was soooo wrong and all I got out of her was its his choice not mine. WTF! I said its all you, you can stop it any time you want.

The affair only stoped when his wife found out and all heck broke loose, and my wife finally understood there was a family there, a wife with 2 kids.

So funny she use to tell me she did not understand why women did things like this, well I still dont know if she knows why. She gets mad so easy now over anything. At times she is out of control. Dont dare tell her no about anything.

Now her mom and dad, who did alot of this to this poor girl, are to the point of saying I love you but dont come around us anymore. He relationship with her sister is all but done, and they were so close just 5 months ago. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Her sister was abused to but faced it and confonted her father. My wife has not.

Its so easy to hate someone but boy can it be hard to love them. I do love her will all my heart but I think im fighting up hill at all times.

One other thing why I think its a mix of mid life crisis and this, she now hangs out with 28 year old. The guy she had the affair with was 28, in a band and all that goes along with it. She has gotten 2 tattos, lost weight, tans all the time, changed her hair and makeup. She seemed proud that she attracted younger men, what she does not see is that they dont give one damn about her, I see it so clear she just thinks its because she looks good now. ****** she always looked good.

Well its done now. I blew up at her lastnight after finding out she was "talking" to someone again. That is her key word for screwing.

LOL the affair ended 2 weeks ago. She waists no time does she. Im so sorry I spent 20 years with this woman and had kids with her. Damn im a fool.