Short summary: D-Day May 14th, Married 13 years. Exposed in July, exposure was weak. WH has "tried" NC. Doesn't work. Re-exposed Sept 7th. WH furious. Sleeping in extra room, no wedding ring. I had session w/SH last week and WH had session this week. WH still not sure if marriage can be rebuilt. I hold true to what I have said all along: I believe in our M, it can be rebuilt. WH: I just don't know.

I ask if he is still in touch with OW(I know he is). No resonse from WH, so I say: I guess you are since you are not telling me otherwise.

I am ready to knock my cake eating WH off the fence & into the mud. I am tired of the disrespect and I am tired of being treated like this.

So, back to my question earlier today(and by the way, right now I can't afford a phone call to SH ---maybe next week, but not now.)
Should I: 1 - expose yet again with new info that I have to OWH(text message, voice mail number) or 2 - Go straight into Plan B?

If I re-expose, will I have to go through "clean-up" before Plan B? I don't feel like things are all cleaned up from the last exposure.

I feel like my last exposure really might have put the nail in the coffin. Part of me thinks that I shouldn't have done that. It is too much of a cat & mouse game......

I have to be prepared to ask him to leave & I also have to be prepared to move out myself if he won't go.

I am revising my Plan B letter to personalize it more & will post shortly.

Please help me with these steps. I just can't take living in the same house with him anymore knowing that his mind is inhabited by OW. It pains me too much

Kimberly

PLAN B LETTER:

Dear WH:

My deepest apologies for contributing to the loneliness and sadness in our Marriage that made your affair with OW possible. I got caught up in trying to be a good mom, housekeeper and provider while at the same time ignoring some physical issues that I should have been dealing with. I was not there for you and I was not meeting your needs. Now we are both suffering from my mistake.

I have been making improvements in myself, some of them may not even be noticeable to you, and am willing to work with you to create a life that will meet your emotional needs. But I cannot do that until you completely end your relationship with OW.

Until that happens I cannot see you or talk to you. I have made arrangements with our friends x & x to visit DS whenever yourlike. I have also spoken with x and if you need to communicate about DS or any other matter, it will have to be through x.

Please respect my decision to not see you right now. I have endured much pain because of your relationship with OW and I just cannot be with you, knowing that you are still in touch with her. I still love you, but cannot see you like this.

As soon as your are willing to permanently separate from OW and are willing to follow measure to ensure that, I will be willing to talk about our future together.

I want to be your wife and best friend. I want to spend holidays with you and DS as a family. I want to experience with you the day DS looses his first tooth and learns to ride his bike without training wheels. I want to sing songs with you and laugh and play silly games. I want to rebuild our Marriage one day and for us to make each other happy again. I believe we can do this and stop hurting each other. I want you as my best friend again.

I loved you from the moment we had that first dance, I love you when we married and I love you still. I just cannot be with you or help you any longer while you are in a relationship with OW.

WH - I love you with all my heart,

BS


Feedback please!!

Kim

Kim, your last exposure did not put the nail in the coffin, they are still seeing each other. They are able to continue like this because you don't expose when you need to. You help them hide the affair. It is always too little, too late; because you are so reticent it has the effect of bringing a pea shooter to a gun fight. We have told you over and over to expose this recent contact and you have done nothing. Please stop dithering and just do it. JUST DO IT. Call the OWH and call the boss. Please just stop talking about it endlessly and do it.

Then stay in Plan A for another week and go to Plan B. Your H is having a good time having two women meeting his needs and has NO MOTIVATION to stop.

p.s. I would ask that he move. What are your options if he doesn't want to move out?

I will e-mail OWH tonight & call the boss in the morning....I know I have let a lot go. My fogged out brain was not seeing the truth of the situation and I had a wild hope that WH would see that he still loved me.

If WH wont' move out, I believe my plan is to pick up and move two hours away to my parents. I have a job waiting for me in the family business, I will be surrounded by family and tons of support, home church community and DS will be able to see his best friend/cousin ALL the time.

I have a lot of questions: WH & mine's finances are separate already, have always been so no joint accounts. There are things that he has purchased with his money(THE COMPUTER!!) What does he get to take????

Kim

Kim, I am so sorry, but it is not uncommon that it takes Plan B to save the marriage. But please get the exposure done, pledge to stay in touch with the OWH and then move to Plan B. I hope that you don't have to move out.

Did you see Pep's post about giving him your H's cell phone #? I would do that in addition to telling him about her claims of wife beating.

ooooohhhhhhhhh

OW tells your husband her H is beating her???

You MUST give OW's H your H's phone #

ask OW's H to call your H to discuss "wife beating"

laughable

ML - I did see her post. I think OWH has his #'s already - That is how he was tracking the communication before. Do text messages show up on phone bills??

Kim

ML - I don't even want to look at WH right now. Or speak to him. How can I manage to clean up after this exposure?? There is not going to be a clean-up and then he will be left with bad thoughts of me when I give him the Plan B letter.

Kim

WH turns my stomach right now. He pretended to care about me by telling me to "Be sure to drink some more Ensure before you go up." (I have lost weight down to 97 lbs and am trying to gain weight)

I am so tired of these mind games.

Kim

Pep -

Yep, I have been fed the abusive H story. WH truly believes that OW has been beaten. No police records to prove it though.

Kim

Kim, by cleaning up, I am referring to YOUR behavior, not his. Just because he reacts badly to your exposure [and of course he will react badly to having his affair interfered with] does not mean you have something to "clean up." Just stay away from lovebusters and do your best to be FIRM but civil.

Kim, in other words, you can't control him by "cleaning up" his behavior. There is nothing you can do about his anger at your exposure of his affair. You have no control over that and can't "clean" it up. He will be angry and that is wonderful. The angrier, the better the hit.

hum,
The old abusive H story. Of course WH thinks what he is doing to you is not abusive,Right?

What is there to clean up?

I'm down to 106 lbs.
Carnation instant breakfast tastes good. I gained back 1lb drinking it last week.

PS
I think Mel & Pep are right
expose to the ones you need to then sit back and wait.

VTY

ML - thanks for clearing up that "clean up" thing for me. I truly thought that I was supposed to clean up his anger. You are right - I can't control that....Geez. Just like I can't control anything else he does. How long should I wait after exposure hits before Plan B????

VTY - I got some Ovaltine too, just haven't been actively trying to gain until recently......My parents noticed how thin I was & asked me if I was sick. I haven't told them yet about the marital problems(my mom has her own emotional demons she has to deal with).

How bout you & I see who can back to a healthy weight the fastest??

I just got off the phone with my sister & told her what I was planning. She said that she knows it will be hard for me, but that it has been TOO easy for WH. That he needs some cold water splashed in his face.

One of her questions to me: What will I say after I ask WH to leave & he says "Where am I supposed to go. I have nowhere to go."

My response: "That's not my problem."

Kim

Very good that you are thinking ahead on how to handle his objections. I would wait about a week before you ask him to leave. Then when he is gone, give him the Plan B letter. Don't TELL him you are going into Plan B, or let on that this is a strategy, ok? When you ask him to leave, simply tell him that you need a seperation and ask him to move out. If he objects, tell him that its not fair that you and DS should have to move to accommodate his affair. He should be the one to move. Don't tell him any more than that. Then when he is out the door, give him the Plan B letter.

I think it would be a good idea to tell your parents about this. You need their support.

Oh, move out first then the letter.....I really don't want to contact a lawyer right now. Can this usually be done without one??

ML - thanks for hanging in there with me!!

Kim

If I am just a week out from asking WH to move, I guess I should tell my parents. I was planning on telling them something at that point.......

Kim

When I ask him to move out, Do I say that this is in no way meant to be taken that I don't want to work on the marriage, that I just need some time apart from him for now?

Kim

You tell him to move out, because it is just too painful to be with him as long as he continues to have contact with OW. You ask him to move out so you can protect your love for him should there come a time that he is ready to cut off contact with OW and commit to working together with you on making your marriage a happy place for you both.

It is not meant as a punishment for WH. It is to protect you and your heart.